Monday, June 10, 2013

Broke Down after 3 Years? Ugh.

Well, we went to the pool yesterday and that slut look a like was there again, of course. I just can't deal with it. 

When we left the pool. I was getting changed and my stupid husband asks to get it on. I said, "Oh hell no. This isn't going to be some sick habit of getting it on after seeing that chick at the pool." He got all offended, and first said "She doesn't really look like her" but then thought about it and said "okay yeah she does..." I tried to explain the pain I had inside of me and instead, ended up in the closet in fetal position crying. The cries come from deep down inside of me. I mean these are cries that come from my core.

My stupid cheater husband basically shuts down now whenever I bring up the affair. He said sorry that I was upset and walked away. He came back to TRY to console me but when I started wailing WHY and HOW he could have hurt me so much, he walked away from me. Yes, you are thinking the same thing I am... What an ass.

My kids were of course concerned about me. They wanted to know why their mom went from seemingly being okay to sobbing like a baby on the floor. Very unmotherly like....

My precious daughter who is 7 put her arms around me and I swear she was like an angel placing a hand on me. Almost immediately I felt as though the pain eased. I thanked her... And we hugged... She felt good and I felt better. My baby girl... 

The pain runs deep. My stupid husband talks about having another baby and if it wasn't for the affair, we probably would have done it. I just can't do that now. 

It's such a shame how the person who does the damage doesn't feel the damage as much as the person affected by it. It's unfair. 

I don't think I'll ever be over the pain. It's changed me. Our 10th wedding anniversary is coming up and I dread that day. I hate that day. I can't stand how he took that special day away from me. He's made me believe what my mom had said to me for years about how not to get married and that all men are the same. I now tell my daughter not to get married. Of course, I tell her it's her decision someday and I will be with her no matter what, but that is what I believe now and if she wants to follow that advise that will be her decision 

I know many of you are probably like "Oh don't tell her that." But if you were betrayed, you know that marriage is a sham. Vows mean nothing anymore, and no one ever respects their spouse as they should. People who remain married for 50 years are like me who gets slapped in the face and turns the other cheek. Doesn't seem awesome or how marriage should be...

Well, I guess that's all I wanted to write now. The pain.... 3 long years andthe scab  was scratched off and I'm bleeding again. 

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Slut Look a Like at my New Place

Really?! I mean... Really? We just move from KY to VA, so I left all those damn triggers behind me. Now, I sit at the pool and it only took 5 minutes before I almost choked when I saw this stupid slut look a like walk in. Really?! This just confirms that what my stupid adulterous husband did will affect me forever. No matter where I go... I will be reminded.

He knows that she resembles the slut because he started telling me if I saw her and that she should get a job and stop living off her mom. He was all mean about her. I just answered, "Yeah, I don't know her and hate her anyway." Today we saw her again and I mentioned how I never felt like punching someone in the face so much. I then asked if he knew why I felt that way and he said "yeah..."

You know... This just sucks. I will see this chick all summer. It's not like she's pretty at all and I have low self esteem so that's saying a lot. I don't see her as a threat at all...if he went for her? Well then he is a bigger idiot than I ever thought and that's saying a lot too.

You know what I should totally do? Take a picture of we sometime, just for fun. 

I wonder if she can feel my "I hate you" vibe. Hmmmm...

I have no one to talk about this, so maybe I am helping you all out there or maybe I am just writing for no reason. Why I do know is that I am sure that ill have more to say as the summer goes on...