Tomorrow-Two Years Since D-Day

Oh I am so not well. I have a migraine and I didn't sleep last night thinking about all the signs that led up to tomorrows two year anniversary. What was cheater doing? Sleeping. Oh I don't worry I kicked him, threw his sheets off him and made him get up with the kids. I also told him how I've realized some thing about marriage... When you get married, you trust someone with your life. You should NEVER trust anyone with your life.

It's bad enough when your parents treat you like crap.. You have no control over that. It's another thing when you choose the person that ends up treating you like crap.

Last night was the first time I ever felt like doing something to the mistress. Like posting her nude pictures on the Internet. I thought about doing a whole blog with her name as the title. Wouldn't that be oh so nice for her, her family and friends to see someday. Or an employer when they search for her....

It's lucky for her that I have a conscious and I know right from wrong. It's a good thing alright....

I'm so flipping mad today... I can't even stand it.

Two Years Since D-Day

For the past three weeks, I've been really restless, irritable, and unable to focus. My daughter is going into the first grade next week and she's been sick, so I thought that was what it was...

While it's distressing, I just knew that wasn't it. My husband was trying to help me figure out what it was, and then he said "Is it because we closed on the house this month two years ago?"

No...that's not what it was, but what it is that this was the month of D-Day. Actually, August 7th was when I stepped into the hotel with the kids behind me. It was the month that my world came crashing down.

On August 14th, I discovered the 4000 emails between them confessing their undying love for one another.

After I realized what was going on in my subconscious, I cried...I cried hard for a long time. My husband wanted to hold me, but I didn't want him to hold me.

Why would I want the person who caused me so much pain to console me? And why would I want someone who wrapped his arms around someone else to wrap his arms around me when I was feeling so vulnerable.

I was perfectly fine in my own private hell. The hell of going through the images of D-Day in my mind. Crying for my pain to end. Crying for the loss of the innocence of my marriage.

This whole infidelity thing sucks... it sucks so bad. And I know why people leave... I know.

The Priest Responds about the Affair and Renewal of Vows

Well, just when I thought I was being condemned by the priest, I receive the email I wanted from him. It makes me happy and relieved that at least I can say that at least I am not attacked by my faith like I thought I was....

Here is his email to me:

Thank you for your email. I’m sorry I didn’t respond sooner. I’m still trying to get caught up.
First, please be assured that where you are with this does not in any affect my view of you or Your husband. I know there has been much pain and suffering in your life as a result of this situation and I can never begin to know what that is like.
My hope and prayer is that our Lord’s healing may come into your marriage and bring you both the peace that comes only from Him. You are a great family and it gives me great joy to see you practicing your Catholic faith as a family. It is in doing so that you will experience the healing love of our God. If there is any way that I can help you or Your husband, please do not hesitate to let me know. I think a lot of you both and your family and wish you all the very best.
May God bless you always.
Peace,

Aaaww see how nice? It makes me want to cry. Why? I have no idea.

Infidelity Silence Isn't Good

So it's been three days since I promised not to talk about the affair, and I am not doing well. I had insomnia last night, and yay here I am blogging at 1 AM.

I'm not thinking about the affair really. I am thinking about how I really should get this whole new counselor thing going. I was going to call the insurance company but then lazy outed with that.

I don't know what my problem is anyway. I am not mad at anything, I am not really sad anymore, I'm just kind of .... Dead to it. It's like this wound just sits inside me and it's sore. The wounds haven't had any more damage, but they just sit and ooze. Will the wounds ever stop oozing? Will they close up and heal? There will always be a scar won't there?

Out of all the people in the world...my husband had to do this to me. He couldn't have taken care of me like he should have.. As the mother of his children and the love of his life he says I am. No, he had to take knife, stab me multiple times, and then pull me back when I was ready to run. Now I sit here healing while looking at the perpetrator. It's all so screwed up. It's all so unbelievably ridiculous.

I need therapy.

Can't Talk about the Affair Anymore

So, I've made a habit of poking fun at my husband. You know, whenever something about cheating comes up, which is mostly daily, I will make some crack about it to him. I will admit I am quite harsh at times. But, whatever he was harsh our whole marriage.

Yesterday, we had a fight and in his selfish fashion said that the affair hurts him too, and how do I think it makes him feel when I crack jokes about it. Obviously it's my way to cope, but see, he wants to be over it.

So I told him I wouldn't talk about the affair ever again. Jerk.

So where does that leave me? Crying in my dreams, as he informed me about this morning. I also have a money spending problem, which okay, was already going on. But yeah, I feel it to be a stress reliever.

Anyway, I think I am going to ave to seek therapy from someone new. Husband dearest already claimed golden boy status with our current one.

If I cant talk about the affair to him, I am going to have to vent somehow and the blog only helps a little.