Real Housewives of New York - Ramona Singer

The episode when Ramona is sitting with the fortune teller in Morocco and she tells her that she sees another woman in Mario's life, I knew was taking a turn towards the cheating path. Because you know, all shows these days have to have a splash of infidelity in there somewhere. Shoot, all relationships these days have to have some of it it seems.

But, when Ramona tells Mario what the fortune teller said, the truth was written all over his face. He is most definitely cheating on her. You could tell he was trying really hard to make his voice sound as truthful as possible. It was strained.

Then at the reunion show when Jill said that there is talk among the social circle that he has been cheating on her...well, that's the hook and sinker right there. People don't go around talking unless it's true.

My heart goes out to Ramona...I'm sorry girl - we're in a club no one ever wants to be in. Hoping the best for you - whatever that is...

Family Thoughts on the Affair

My husband spoke to his grandmother yesterday, at which time, she told him that she spoke to her daughter (husband's aunt) and she said that she thought we should get a divorce. She knows everything husband did or at least the gist of it.
My husband was upset over her reaction as was his grandmother who is the biggest reinforcer of his golden childness. Heaven forbid anyone ever say anything negative about her darling grandson…
But anyway, I told him that this was not surprising and is the exact reason why I had cut myself off from people. If I were in someone else's shoes, I would too think we should get a divorce. He cheated on me…had a girlfriend…why wouldn't his wife leave him? People in different situations don't understand why we are trying to work this out and it is what it is.
Why is it that my explanation made my husband upset? Oh because it doesn't go along with his all goodness he has going for him. Honestly, this whole, I am being such a great husband and person now is really starting to affect me. You did a bad thing and you shouldn't be proud of the consequences of that bad thing.

Blaming the Innocent for the Affair

A recent comment from Mrs Bad Ass has led me to this post. It's so true what she said about people blaming the innocent person in an affair. As soon as everyone found out that my husband cheated on me, I suspected people must have thought "What's wrong with her that he cheated on her?" So not only did I get slapped in the face by my husband but my friends as well. My ex best friend even, (yes, the one who wrote that email in my last post) asked me about our sex life. She was under the impression that I didn't like sex or didn't give into it often. Is almost everyday often enough for you? Yes, so when he was having the affair...he was having sex all the time.

But that's beside the point, the point is that no one truly understands the reason for infidelity...sometimes not even the people caught up in it. Of course, there's always things you can point your finger at...but they may never be the real reason why he strayed.

People really need to keep their eyes on the sinner rather than the abused. It's like when people blame rape victims saying that they deserve it because they dress or act a certain way. People want to blame the hurt because the hurt ones won't fight back since they are so weak.

My Best Friend Turns Against Me

Well, it was a matter of time before one of the only people I allowed to enter my world of dealing with an affair hurt me like I know my other friends would do, which is why I isolated myself from them. I don't need to hear what I should or shouldn't do. I don't need to hear that the decision lays in my lap and how my husband is being so great now. That stinks for me. He is one that did wrong and it seems I am the one who has to suffer the most. Here's the email my best friend sent me:

I’ve been thinking about you guys since I saw you last and there’s some stuff I just need to say. Remember above all how much I love you and that yours and your children’s happiness is my priority.

My main concern here is not about missed dinner plans. I was annoyed about that part only because I knew my husband was really looking forward to it and I knew it would be our last time to see you guys this trip. Then to not hear anything from you was surprising. Then to hear nothing on Friday was at first disconcerting and then just upsetting. I knew I wouldn’t hear from you while he was around, but I felt sure I would hear something before he got out of class on Friday.

I guess I let the fact that we’ve stopped talking as much lure me into thinking that things were getting better with you guys. After getting to talk to you face to face and then seeing how quickly things got really bad on Thursday (I’m assuming), it seems like you’re still right in the thick of the affair aftermath.

I have to speak to you now as the child of divorced parents and as the grandchild of a SUPER dysfunctional marriage. First of all, my mother’s marriage to my sister's father was a raging nightmare. However, the only reason I know that is because she told me…long after it was over. She was able to shield us from a lot of his nonsense and their fighting. As a result, even though things were terrible with them, My sister's and my memories of that time are good ones. Your kids deserve that. You may be in a very awful situation, but it can’t become their problem. It just can’t. And I know you both love them tremendously, but it seems like when you get angry, the focus completely turns to each other and the kids end up waiting it out. I’m sorry, but if you’re both still so emotional about things that you can’t pull it together in front of the kids, there’s a problem. My grandparents loved each other a lot, but I spent three weeks with them every summer growing up and I saw them drink themselves into oblivion and scream at each other—usually it would end with my grandmother accusing him of cheating, crying hysterically, and my grandfather walking out. I can’t even be NEAR that kind of tension now without being afraid that it will end badly. Every time two people argue, I’m afraid their relationship will end. Even now—more than 20 years later. Your children need to learn from you how to fight productively and they need to see you make up and move on. The kind of unleashing that you’re talking about just cannot happen around them. You guys have the formula to have a great family…so my next question is whether or not you still want that. Do you?

It may very well be that ---- has violated your marriage in such a way that you simply cannot move past it. That is completely understandable. It may be that this was an unforgivable breach and you will never be able to be happy with him again. If that’s true, do the humane thing and end it. If you choose to stay, then part of that has to be about him, not just to keep him close to his children. Do you want to stay with him? Do you want to be back in love with him, and to be proud to be married to him? Do you want to work towards that goal, or are you staying because a) your kids should be physically close to their father or b) you’ll feel responsible for what happens to him and to your kids if you leave? The bottom line…do you want to forgive him for this? Even if you feel like you can’t forgive him now, do you want to eventually forgive him? I just feel like that’s an important question, and it’s a choice that only you can make. I think he is genuinely interested in making things right, for which I commend him. But it may be a case of ‘too little, too late,’ and no one can fault you for that. I know how important the concept of family is to you, and how obligated you feel to try and keep yours together. But if you guys can’t find a way to reign in the emotional stuff your children see, I promise you it will be detrimental.

When we all had dinner together on Tuesday, we really got a glimpse of how good you guys can be together and that you really seem to be at least getting a friendship back. And I’m serious when I say how much we miss your little family and wish you lived closer. But back to my original point about your happiness…you know I’ll back you up either way. I just want what is best for you…which in this case really boils down to your kids. They can be happy, well-adjusted children of divorced parents, or they can be happy, well-adjusted children of parents whose marriage went to crap for a while but who stayed together and worked hard to get past the bad stuff. But they cannot be happy or well-adjusted if their parents are miserable and stuck.

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So yeah. Thanks for telling me I am a bad mom. I am doing the best that I can with what I have. My daughter, who is 5, talks to me about how she feels about what happened and she opens up to me about her fears. I feel that I am teaching her something valuable. That people make mistakes and there are consequences and also that marriage isn't something that is given up on easily. My husband and I are not miserable all the time. I just still have triggers (since I only 7 months in) and then things get out of control. If my children are shielded from stress they will never learn coping skills, which already one of my husband's biggest problems since he was shielded from that.

Anyway, just wanted to post that because I know a lot of you are in my same position of having people point fingers and place blame on the betrayed rather than the betrayer.

Popped My Head Out of the Hole

So yesterday my dad called again. He has been calling me continuously for over 5 months and I have ignored the call each time. I haven't been able to talk to him and almost all of my friends (except for two) since I found out about the affair. I just can't take the criticism over not leaving my husband. I need to figure things out on my own within my own mind rather than taking in what other people think and feel (even though they have never been in my situation).

So when he called yesterday, I looked at the phone and contemplated whether or not to answer. On a whim, I just answered it.

It didn't go as bad as I anticipated for so many months. He said that he doesn't blame me for staying. He said I shouldn't feel so ashamed because I am not the only one who has to deal with something like this. He also invited all of us (including my husband) to visit next summer (my parents live in a foreign country).

I am not interested in visiting. I may feel differently next year but right now, I can't travel around as a happy little family when I feel like it's all still in wreckage.

I had a lot of anxiety after getting off the phone despite how well it went. I saw my psychologist last night and we discovered that the anxiety is from a part of me that thinks it has to now open the door to other people and completely come out of the shelter of my hole. Understanding that I don't have to completely come out of hiding yet is really reassuring and made me calm down...

I guess it is a step in the right direction. It scares me because it's a sign that life is getting back to normal at least a tiny bit and that means that I am vulnerable again. I don't ever want to be hurt like I have been again. I am so scared of it...at least I know that I lived through it once and has shown me how strong I really am... but who wants to suffer like that again? Blah.

Support After Catching Cheating Husband

Photographer: renjith krishnan

The one thing I learned about what to do after catching a cheating husband is to be careful who you look to for support. While you may want to tell everyone what happened to get as much support as possible, it's important to realize that not everyone is going to share the same feelings and thoughts as you. Furthermore,  you shouldn't let other people's opninions of what you should and should not do sway what you decide to do from that point forward.

When I caught my cheating husband, I was frantic even though I knew something was up. I called my family, his family, and all friends I could get through to. I even made a post on facebook that didn't exactly say that I caught him cheating but it talked about finding out some horrible news, which made many of my friends wonder and contact me, which I then told.

The problem is that after the hurricane past and I was left with the decision of what to do. Many of my friends were not supportive of my decision. I found myself starting to step back from friends I knew would shake their head and think  I was crazy to stay with my husband after he did such a horrible thing. I had to follow what my heart was telling me and try to work things out. It was what I felt was right for me and my kids.

Three months in, I am still avoiding a lot of people and they don't know what is going on with me. They know I am going through a hard time in my life but they don't know what I am doing. I would rather stay away from people who will ridicule me until I am strong enough to defend myself. I also need to make sure that my marriage will outlast infidelity before I try to rule out their "buts" and "what ifs".

The lesson for today is beware of who you turn to for support and do what you feel is right no matter how wrong or right people may think you are...after all, you have to live your life...not them.

Blind Gossip About Cheating Husband

Photographer: Filomena Scalise

My cheating husband today received a call from his mom asking if I had told anyone else about his infidelity. Apparently, one of his aunts, who still has no idea (and is the only one doesn't know) is starting to ask questions. I will honestly tell you that I did not say a word to anyone..remember, I am hiding from criticizers right now. So that means, I hide from EVERYONE.

It's interesting how months after this came out people are still wondering what is going on with us. We live thousands of miles away and we still send out a vibe of, "Oh no, something REALLY horrible has happened."

People will always gossip. In this case, it's blind gossip. They haven't seen anything or even heard the whole story but they still talk. I guess it's hoping that someone will crack, and knowing my husband's family, someone will.

I could tell that this bothered my unfaithful husband quite a bit. That is fine with me. Whatever backlash and shame he gets out of this mess HE put us all in is well deserved. He really should have thought about how many people would find out and what they would think of him way before  he decided to have slut sex. What an idiot...

Societal Scrutiny Over Demi and Ashton Bumping Up Affection After Affair Allegations

Photographer: Francesco Marino

Okay, so we don't know for sure whether Ashton is Demi's cheating husband but most rumors result from the truth. So let's just assume that Ashton is definitely a cheating husband. Recently, they have been spotted being very affection in the media spotlight. This is apparently a big deal because the media is covering it, such as in this article, Demi and Ashton: Still in love and stronger than ever in wake of cheating allegations.
I say, who cares! No one knows for sure what is really going on with them behind closed doors. This may be a whole big ploy and they may be planning a divorce any day now, OR they could really be recovering from infidelity and are trying to appreciate each other like maybe they have failed to do for the last few months or more.

Society always has to point fingers and make judgments about other people's lives. So Ashton had an affair and now they are trying to make it work or appear to be trying. If no one paid attention, no one would write about it. They would just say, "That's  nice." and keep on moving. Since most of society is shaking their head, calling Ashton a scumbag and wondering what Demi is thinking, the media is all over it. Let's all focus on our own lives and the shame we all have somewhere in it.

Check out my other post about Hiding from Criticizers After an Affair.

Hiding from Criticizers of Infidelity Recovery

Photo: Salvatore Vuono

My rage isn't only towards my cheating husband. It's also towards people who seem to worry and care about me. I've just had one of the worst things happen to me and all people want to do is offer their "advice". However, their advice is completely from a viewpoint of "what would I do if I were in her shoes". Well, that's all fine and dandy but they really don't know for sure what they would do if they were in my shoes. How am I so sure?

Before my husband and  I got married, we both told each other that if either of us cheated on the other that it would be over. Well, here we are, one of us cheated on the other, but yet, we weren't feeling like it was over. I also understand where people are coming from because if someone were to ask me last year what I would do if my husband cheated on me, I would have said that I would have divorced him so fast that his head would spin. However, for some unknown reason right now, the love is still there...which makes things so much more complicated.

Since society's view of infidelity is that it immediately leads to divorce, it's made me want to crawl into a hole and hide. I can't stand to hear how stupid I am for trying to make it work with my idiot cheating husband. Instead of these people respecting my privacy and time to mourn and heal, they have been stalking me by contacting anyone they can find to find out information about me. Gossip, much?

People really need to stop looking for drama and focus their attentions on more important things in their own life. My life is just that MINE and I am the one who has to live it. RESPECT people. R-E-S-P-E-C-T AKA LEAVE ME ALONE.