The Good News and The Bad News

The slut mobile is gone....and I lost my job.

Yes, we sold the truck last night. The one that my cheater would drive his slut around in during their little get togethers. I was not sad to see it go. BYE BYE SLUT MOBILE.  I never did sit in the passenger seat again after I knew she had sat on it. Glad to know I will never have to either. Another trigger out of my life...YAY.

In other news, I lost my job last Friday. Yep, just like that. I'm actively seeking other employment now. But I can't help but think what if I was divorced right now? Of course, I am going to apply for unemployment, and maybe I would be okay financially? I am not sure..... but it scares me....and makes me sad to think that I still don't trust my cheater to think that it could be tomorrow that he decides he doesn't want to be with me again.

Then you have the whole situation of how life is really teaching me a hard lesson...I may have something today but that doesn't mean it will be here tomorrow. Something you have could be taken from you just like that. I loved my job...of course, finally I love my job and for the first time in my life I get laid off because of the company's lack of funds to pay us (almost everyone was let go...). <sigh>

But how does this relate to infidelity you may wonder? Well, besides the fact that I relate to the possibility that I could be dealing with this as a single divorced woman. My husband has been trying his best and doing a good job being supportive to me. He even saw the shrink to find out how to best help me in this bad time. Kudos to him.... I knew there was a reason I came and stayed and why I love him... I just knew there was a reason....

Infidelity in Cedar Rapids

So I wanted to see the movie Cedar Rapids because it seemed as though it would be a funny flick. Well, it was funny, up until one of the characters, who is married basically cheats on her husband. Oh, you know the deal, they look lovingly into each other's eyes, make out and then hop into bed with each other. They then think the sex was spectacular and oh how great life is....

OH whatever. Thanks for showing a movie of the affair my husband was in... I can hardly watch anything anymore without some sort of great love affair story. Because yeah, that's what I want to see ... two people who are committed to other people think they are in love with each and break their vows for one another. Yep, love that....ugh.

Of course, we turned off the movie as soon as the sin had been committed. Now, all I am left with is the haunting feeling of what the affair my husband was in was like. Super.

Can't Escape the Affair No Matter What I Do

I can't win. While at the gym, I started to listen to Pandora on my phone because the TV keeps playing the hotel advertisement where I found out about my husband's affair (which I wrote about before). Well, I am not even safe with Pandora.

I decided to try something a little different today to get myself motivated. I started listening to my techno station. All of a sudden, I looked at my phone and saw something that I had seen before. It was the name of a singer that I saw in an email to my husband from his crazy girlfriend. I immediately said, "ARE YOU SERIOUS?" I must have looked really sane talking to myself on the elliptical while frantically grabbing my phone all the while still moving away.

I started to listen to the words and they were like sharp knives in my heart. All about how it would be a miracle if she could be his girl...how if he would just let him be his girl, she would show him that they were meant to be...blah blah blah. YUCK...BLAH...YAK.
I texted my husband and immediately asked if the singer's name meant anything to him. At first he denied it but then confessed that it was some YouTube that she sent him once. Riiiiight.... that lead me to a downward spiral. Talk about a trigger! The song basically begged the person to leave his wife so he could be with her.....EEERRRR....

While he didn't actually leave me, it still really bothers me that their relationship really went that way. And why is that she really didn't think she already had him? I mean they were CONSTANTLY emailing each other how much they loved each other, how much they couldn't wait to see each other, how they wanted each other so bad....ugh... and they had sex. So um, if that's not a relationship, I have no clue what is...

Anyway, pretty soon, I won't be able to leave the house without having a trigger slap me in the face. Did someone put a curse on me so that I would suffer as much as possible? What did I do to deserve this pain? What's so unfair in all this is that I didn't do anything....absolutely nothing.

The Universe Won't Give Me an Infidelity Break

Photo: rockinfree

After having to endure a whole weekend of two people celebrating their love for one another in a wedding, I have to continue to be reminded how my husband sucks.

As I was on a pretty vigorous session on the elliptical, I had to watch one of the three TVs because I couldn't listen to Pandora due to my phone being dead. All of a sudden, I felt like someone just threw bleach at my face. A commercial of the inn and suites where I finally found out the truth came on. Not only was it just the name of the hotel, it showed the front desk. The same front desk I stood at and begged the receptionist to let me into his room, while he was out with HER. Then it showed the room, the same room I saw his clothes all over the floor and her hat on the nightstand and bag with bikini and cigarettes hanging out on the floor. I looked away at that point because I could feel my blood pressure and pulse rise.

You would of thought that after seeing that it would have been enough of a trigger to send me flying off the elliptical into a raging phone call to the stupid husband figure. But no, I stood strong. Then, all of a sudden, the commercial played again on the other TV. All I could think was, "Are you kidding me?". This time I saw the pool that he dropped his phone into because he was drinking by it...with or without her. He says he was alone, I beg to differ. In any case, I saw the commercial one more time after that one and thankfully it wasn't long after that I was done with my workout.

Honestly, I think I took out my rage on the elliptical, all of a sudden I was going faster and today, I am sore. Rage needs to be released and I found the way that was most available at the time...

Triggers that Spark my Rage

Photo: Simon Howden

I have never been so messed up mentally. I can go from being calm and somewhat happy with the day and all of sudden, BAM, I hate my cheating husband again.

I feel as though triggers are all around me. If I see a girl who somewhat resembles the bitch that stole my husband, I immediately feel like kicking something. Passing by the hotel I found them at makes me want to crash the car. When my husband tries to be sweet to me by saying something sweet, I immediately remember reading he wrote the same thing to her. JERK.

These triggers are what fuels my rage every single day. I can't go through one day without thinking about this nightmare I am living. If I had some magical gun, I would just shoot everything and everyone that makes me remember anything that has to do with the affair. Until I find that gun, I will just yell at my moron husband, who decided to only think of himself when he decided to start a relationship with a slut.