Women, Men, and Infidelity

Rayshell Clapper, STEAMRegister.com Women and men are different. Though we are the same species and certainly have many similarities, we differ in many ways. From how we communicate to our thoughts, women and men just have differences. A recent statement from the Norwegian University of Science and Technology discusses a study that confirms a new difference…

The Demographics of Infidelity

Researchers widely agree that the rate of female infidelity is rising - that women are increasingly willing and able to risk their marriage and step out on their husbands. The National Post looks at recent data from the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, & Reproduction in the U.S., and with the help of Forum…

Mourning the End of Our Marriage: First Anniversary

I broke down a few times today thinking about where I was at this time last year, where he was this time last year and everything that lead to my life falling apart. As I was so depressed that I could hardly bare to think about it anymore, I decided to join my husband when he announced he had to go to bed.

As I laid there, I couldn't help but wonder why exactly I am so devastated. I questioned why it was that my husband could go through the day as if it meant nothing to him, while I struggled to keep it together. He told me that I have no idea how it is for him... which in my husband's words is "I don't want to tell you that I don't think about it so I will tell you this because it's not really lying this way."

I tried to ignore my resentment towards this and started to analyze my thoughts and feelings. Then, I realized what really bothers me is that this day marked the end of my marriage. This night was the night I took my wedding rings off for the first time and have never put them back on since. This is the night that I lost my faith in marriage.

As I explained this to him, he immediately told me that this wasn't how he felt. I had to remind him that it's fine he doesn't feel this way, but it's how I feel and that's why I am so devastated. See, it devastates him too so instead of dealing with it, he just refuses to accept it. He runs away from anything...ANYTHING....that causes him pain.

As for me...I run  to pain and embrace it...I let it seep into me until it just doesn't hurt anymore - until I am numb. Tonight, I truly embraced the loss of my marriage. I explained what marriage meant to me...I thought when I married someone that I was going to be with that person forever. That we would have kids, be a family and deal with any of life's horrible situations together so that someday we would look back and think about all the wonderful things that we shared as well as all of the things that we had to deal with.

Now, of course, you could argue that the affair is one of life's horrible situations. But no, not for me...see what I mean are things that happen TO us not what one of us does to the other. This was an attack from the one person who was supposed to be by my side forever. This is the person who committed to me but then decided to uncommitt to be with someone else. When his grandfather was dying - it wasn't US getting through it - it was him and her getting through it. It was him saying, our committment to each other, our vows, our life together isn't important to me now...Our marriage ended with that.

As I face another year after the affair, I wonder what it will be like. I wonder how my views on life, marriage and the future will change. What will I say next year on the second anniversary? How will I feel? Only time will tell....

D-Day Anniversey

Well, here I am...one year later. At this time last year, I was on the road driving - starting the 14 hour drive to "surprise" my husband. I remember thinking that I wasn't really sure if I was going to catch him doing anything but I wanted to prove to myself if whatever I was suspecting was true. I remember a part of me said, "Are you ready for what you might find?" and I answered, "Yep, I'm ready..."

Today will be a hard hard day. I cried last night for a good hour and my husband hugged me and we both shared some tears this morning. I am processing things subconsciously because I can only deal with so much consciously. That's why I start crying and I am not really sure exactly what brings it on.

All I can say... this really hurt me and I think it's more than I really realize.

Therapy Tomorrow...

I have my therapy appointment tomorrow. I was going to write down what I wanted to work on but as I sit here with a blank page in front of me, I am at a loss of what exactly I want to work on. Probably because I don't really have anything I am struggling with right now.

Thank God, I do have some good coping skills. I am not perfect and I do blow up at times, but I am rather good at figuring out what it is that really bothers me in a situation and then doing something to take care of it.

Michael wants me to discuss how I can rebuild trust in him. He wants that so bad and well, I don't really feel compelled to rush that along. I mean, I know that it's going to take a long long time for trust to seep back into the relationship, so I don't really think I need to "work at it". I think trust comes with time and with trial. I bought a new car with him, right? SO it's a start...

He also says that I need to deal with my habit of always referring to the past. Now, see, he thinks the past is last week. What he did wrong last week, shouldn't be brought up today. Nor should yesterday be brought up today because he is not doing what he was doing yesterday today. Huh? Yeah, I know. Oh he just hates that he is a cheater and that he has treated me so badly these past oh 7 years. Honestly, I just need him to suck it up and really swallow how horrible he was as a husband - because maybe then I would start to feel less compelled to throw it in his face.

You know what I really want - I want to stop feeling like I have to take care of him. You know, all throughout the time that his grandfather was dying, I desperately tried to take care of him and be there for him. I worried day and night and I just wanted him to be home with me so I could take care of him. I sent him emails, I went and visited his grandparents, I begged him to come home ... I followed him around like a puppy dog and did everything for him. Only to be slapped in the face over and over again. Told that I was useless and not good enough...

And now...still... whenever I know something is wrong with him, he continues to tell me he is fine and that he doesn't need help and that he is some different person now. ONLY to find out a couple weeks later that I was right when he finally admits he really wasn't doing well.

You know, I am just over all of this. I take care of two children and I am just about fed up taking care of a grown up. Of course, I would be there for him if something tragic happens or if he really needed me but I am just done worrying about how he is before something bad happens - I am done foretelling the future. Done looking at him and thinking, "uh oh he's not doing well, how can i save him?" Because as we all can see, I can't save him. He makes his own decisions on how he wants to handle his emotional pain...

It's time that I start to look at myself and see what lies ahead for me rather than what lies ahead for him. I need to learn to pay more attention to myself and just be available when someone else needs me. Instead of looking outward all the time, it's time to look inward. See the problem with the whole affair is that instead of looking inward - I kept looking outward - analyzing everything around me... instead of analyzing me and the great pain I was in. I knew I was in pain...But I kept trying to solve my pain by solving his pain. The only problem is that his pain was fueling my pain and I didn't know how to stop his...

I have no clue how to do this though... I am not a selfish person ...and I always think of other people before myself. But maybe the reason why I don't think of myself first is because it hurts too much to deal with myself ...and I derive pleasure from cultivating the pleasure of others. Hhhmmm...It's like I can't make myself happy unless I am making someone else happy. But what else makes ME happy? Only me happy? Honestly, my work makes me happy...going back to school would make ME happy. It's really all that has ever made ME happy. It's funny because going to school used to be about my parents and making them happy (probably where all of this originated from) but now, it's really what I enjoy. I love learning...and exploring myself. I need to explore myself to find out what makes me happy - and what I need to do to make me happy.....

To all the broken hearts....

Tonight I spent some time browsing different blogs about people in my situation and my heart is so full of sadness for all the people that have gone through what I have gone through and who are going through what I going through. Everyone's situation is a bit different but we all have the same rage, sadness and fear. We all wonder, "What the hell happened?"

If only we could all be in a room together to see the pain we all feel so that we all know we are normal. To know that what our husband's did to us is as bad as we feel that it is. To know that even though a lot of us are broken...we are still strong enough to hold our head up high to find out what lead to the affair and try to put our families back together.

To all the women out there with broken hearts...I commend you. I say keep it up...we've come up from the wreckage and we are re-building. We know who we are...we know who our husbands are... and we know what we need to do and not for everyone else but for ourselves.

Wedding Anniversary TOMORROW

I haven't written here for months because life just got in the way. I would have something happen and then another thing happen and then I just got overwhelmed to have to come here and write it all out. But, today I received an email from someone who is where I was about 4 months ago and I felt like it was time to come back.

I am struggling right now. Tomorrow would have been our 8th anniversary. No, we didn't get a divorce, I just have chosen to not celebrate our anniversary ever again. When my stupid husband had the affair he broke the promise he made to me on that day 8 years ago and when a promise is broken - it's broken for good. I mean really, why make a promise if it can be broken and then made again? Yeah...not possible in my book.

So what do I feel right now? Like I am mourning the death of someone special. But in this case, it's not a person but it's my marriage. I mourn that special day that we had standing up at the alter promising that we would be faithful to one another for the rest of our lives... And again, I find myself thinking, "And it wasn't even my fault."

You may say, "Well, why don't you just celebrate how you are getting through this huge bomb that went off in your marriage?" Because that's not what you celebrate on an anniversary. An anniversary to celebrate the day you committed yourself to one another. It shouldn't be a day to say, "YAY...even though you broke our marriage vows, we are still "married"" Seems a bit ridiculous to me...

Not to insult anyone else who does believe that they should still celebrate their anniversary...it's just not me. I will wallow in my self-pity and mourn the day. Tomorrow night I will look back and think, "Thank God that's over..."

This is the beginning of me writing on this blog again, so check back often I have SO SO SO much good stuff to tell you. You will be really surprised at how life works ...or at least how mine does.

God Speaks to Me About the Affair

I have never had so many signs from God than what I have experienced during the entire affair. When I first got the feeling that my husband was cheating, on a whim, I checked the Verizon bill to find one number texted hundreds of times. Without even thinking about it, I left clicked and my eyes were drawn to something that said "search on google", I did that and what do you know...her facebook page came up. That is when I found out and my life changed.

During all the times that my husband was with her, I had this very strong feeling. Some people say that it's because we are soul mates so I am in tune with him. But I firmly believe it was God telling me something was not right at all. I had many months of agony as these strong signs became stronger even though everyone told me that he would never do something as bad as have a physical affair on me.

Since my husband's grandfather died and I was staying with his grandmother while we closed on our house, I visited his grave site. I begged that if there was anyway that he could help me then please please send me a sign. I left the cemetary and within a few minutes, I felt very anxious ...so anxious that I started shaking. I told my husband's grandmother that I had to leave the next day to "save her grandson." I begged her not to tell him I was coming.

The next day is the one that I drove 14 hours back to where we were moving to and found out about him with her in a hotel room by begging the receptionist at the hotel to let me just peek in his room. All I needed to see was his stuff and her stuff and I would know. What do you know?...that's exactly what I saw. Again, my life was changed forever.

My husband now has become much more religious and has come to mass with me on Sundays. Each week, the gospel and homily directly talks to my husband about sins. It's freaky actually. But it does make me smile because it's usually about how you should resist temptation and that you should ask for forgiveness for sins.

Well, my husband is gone right now, so I went to church by myself. And what do you know....the gospel was about how God sees marriage and divorce. Then the homily was about....anger. Yes, that's right ANGER. Then to top it all off...the priest asked all the married people to stand up...he then did a special blessing for all marriages. Wow.... I could never of asked for a better sign that God continues to look after me and is trying to help me.

I did find comfort in the words the priest said. He mentioned that anger not only strains all relationships in your life but also the one you have with God. That is so true...since the affair discovery, I continue to have faith but it's much weaker than it's ever been. I know God is watching over  me and trust that he knows what I need...but I haven't really asked for it. Anyway, the priest went on to say that anger may lead you to commit other greater sins and I do believe that is true.

He suggested that while you can be angry, don't let the anger control you ...rather you control the anger. Don't lose yourself in it and forget how to be a good Christian. Something that I have thrown to the wayside to emotionally punish my husband for hurting me so incredibly bad. The thing I forgot was that I am committing a sin and as the gospel said, I will have to answer to that as much as he is going to have to answer about his affair. Side note: That makes me mad too because the affair, which didn't need to happen, is the reason why I have to answer to God about anger - it's not as if I am angry over a frivolous matter. But I digress... I want to get my life back in order. I want to start having my faith back...because I know God is with me. I just need to give my fear and depression to Him, so I can be free. As long as I can keep that in the forefront of my mind, I may be able to feel a little more at ease.... we'll see....

Contacting the Mistress - Is it Appropriate?

I received an email from a reader the other day that made me think about whether or not it's appropriate to contact the mistress. In my opinion, nah....


Even though I think my husband's mistress is a dumb, immature, slutty bitch... I don't really need to concern myself with her. It was my husband's responsibility to stay away from her and it was his fault that the affair happened. She didn't tie him up and rape him. He willingly had relations with her and had a relationship with her.

I think some people have an issue blaming themselves and the people who really should be put at blame. They have an easier time looking outside of themselves and the reality of where the problem lies. Like I said, it's not  like I don't blame my husband's mistress at all, I just don't think she deserves any of my time. I don't need to discipline her. I need to discipline my husband and look at our relationship for reasons why it happened.

What do you think about contacting the mistress?

I Am Green with Jealousy About the Affair

That's right. I am jealous. I want to experience the excitement of doing something so wrong. If you haven't had an affair, can you imagine how much passion was in the sex because it was just so wrong. Dang. Whatever, I want that. Sure, sex with my husband is fine because we love each other. But I bet the sex he had with her was spectacular. Not only that, because it was so new, it was great just because of that.

I want that. I am so jealous that my husband had that and I can't. Sure, I could go out and have an affair. Would I? Absolutely not. I would never disrespect my children that way. Come on, what kind of mother would I be to cheat on my husband. Yeah, exactly. My selfish husband never thought about that. It's also funny how I didn't say that I would never disrespect my husband that way. How could I care about disrespecting him after how disrespectful he was to me. He would deserve me to cheat on him, however, my kids do not deserve that.

I am an example to my children. I am an example of how they should live life. Now, what kind of example would I be if I went off with another man who wasn't their father? It disgusts me.

If I were selfish, like many cheaters, I wouldn't even think about it and fulfill my desire of having the same type of relationship he had with his mistress. However, I care too much about other people to hurt them as much as my husband has hurt me. I wish everyone would think about others before thinking of only themselves...there may not be so many cheaters in the world.

Infidelity: It's Genetics

I knew it! Genetics does play a part in infidelity. When I found out my husband cheated on me I wondered if it may be something in his DNA. His father cheated multiple times on his wives (yes, wives) and his grandad (who he refers to his real dad because he raised him) cheated on his grandmother multiple times.

It's no excuse for cheating though. We are all predisposed for something. That doesn't mean we do it or get whatever it is. It means we look out for signs and deal with those signs. Granted he didn't know he should have been aware because up until now he didn't even know that his grandad did what he did. However, you don't just do whatever feels good because it's not always good, as we know in infinity.

If someone can't control their urges, then professional help is in order. Genetics aren't the end all in anything...fight through DNA and fight hard. Infidelity isn't cancer (something you can't always control), cheating is an action, one that you can keep yourself from doing. Hey, even if you have to tie yourself up in a straight jacket.

Self-Esteem Boost: Eva Longoria Divorces Cheating Husband

As a follow up to my self-esteem post from a few weeks ago, I must say that I am feeling a bit better about myself after hearing about how Eva Longoria was cheated on. I mean of course, I am not happy to hear that she has been attacked like I have been but it says a lot about not mattering what you look like or who you are.

Look at Eva...Most men would just love to be with her. Many of them probably thought how lucky Tony Parker was to have her as his wife. Beauty is of course only skin deep and it does count how you are inside, but I'm going with my gut and the incredible urge to stand up for her that she isn't a bad person or a bad wife. Even if she is, there is never any acceptable reason for cheating. If you don't like her, divorce her first, then have sex with as many women as you would like. What's so hard to understand about that?

I guess for today, I will calm down on my self-bashing and realize that even ridiculously gorgeous woman get cheated on. It's not about the looks...it's about the man, who has no control over resisting the excitment of doing something forbidden.

Story of Cheating Husband Who Married His Mistress

Photographer: graur codrin

This summer,  in the midst of the affair, my husband and I were moving to a new town very faraway from where we were living before. Because of my husband's behavior during the affair (before I found out) we backed out of a house we were going to buy and had to start over to look for somewhere else to live. During this interim time, we lived in a hotel.

When my husband started his new job in our new town, he met this guy who he mentioned to that we were currently living in a hotel awaiting closing on a house. The guy immediately offered his house to us so we wouldn't have to pay to live in a hotel anymore. We accepted the offer and it soon became known the reason why these people entered our lives....it was a window into my husband's "what could have been".

Bryan is ten years older than Cara. He has been married before and has two teenage daughters from his previous marriage. Cara told me the story of how they met and married. Bryan cheated on his wife with Cara. Cara, who was told by her doctor that she couldn't get pregnant and has been having unprotected sex for years, all of sudden became pregnant. Since she was into the wild lifestyle of drugging, drinking and partying she wasn't quite sure who the baby belonged to, however she told Bryan it was his.

Bryan left his wife and married Cara. When the baby was born, it was a good thing she looked like Bryan or Cara would have been in trouble. A year later, Cara became pregnant again. Since Bryan is in the military, he is gone a lot. Bryan's two teenage daughters live with Bryan and Cara instead of their mother so Cara immediately because a mother to four children.

Things are not good between Bryan and Cara. Cara admitted that she is very scared that Bryan will cheat on her just because he cheated on his wife with her. She also mentioned that he acts like an old man because he doesn't want to go out to the bars and party with her (he's 10 years old..been there...done that). The older teenager is out of control, into drugs, dating men much older than her and acting out at school.

It's no wonder why Cara is unhappy. She went from care-free lifestyle to a demanding tied down one. She is on antidepressants, talks about going to live somewhere else with the kids, and they are in the process of seeking marriage counseling.

My husband's mistress was about just as much younger. If he had chosen her, would she had been ready to take on what Cara has? I assure you not. She doesn't even want kids...and scary enough, assured my husband she also couldn't get pregnant. Stupid husband.

The story of Cara and Bryan was like a window into a world that my husband came very close to crashing  into. I am glad that he didn't make the same choice as Bryan, because now we see the other side isn't always greener...

Emotional Pain Vs. Physical Pain

Photographer: luigi diamanti

I have never felt such emotional pain in my life. Many people who have not experienced such severe emotional pain may never understand that it can be so much worse than physical pain. There are many occasions where I wished that my cheating husband would have just punched me physically than punch me emotionally.

When my husband was in the midst of his affair, he was emotional abusive to me. He would criticize me and yell at me at the drop of a hat. He would push me away as much as he could and even though he was going through the worst emotional pain of his life, he would not let me in to help him at all, which was just another emotional slap in the face. I love my husband and all I ever wanted to do was help him and he would not let me. Instead he would tell me he was fine and didn't need help. Whenever we did have any sort of real conversation, I was attacked with accusations that I didn't understand and couldn't help him.

Not only that, after I found out about the alleged emotional affair he had with his girlfriend, he would tell me that she understood him and they related with each other. He also said that she was going through the same thing  he was (even though  he later found out that she lied about that...among other things...). Every time I heard how much they were connected, it was like being beat down with a stick. I couldn't deal with the news that he had found someone that he would rather talk to and care about.

Emotional pain lasts so much longer than physical pain. Although, anyone who has experienced domestic violence knows that with physical pain comes emotional pain as well. I guess the only way I can say that emotional pain is worse than physical pain is if he had killed me...because he definitely killed me emotionally and that involves more suffering than if I just been shot.

Why Men Cheat: Selfishness

Photographer: Darren Robertson

Beside the fact that my husband has bipolar disorder, I believe his actions were also based on his selfishness. He has always been selfish, it's inherited from his mother. However, he's taken selfishness to a whole new level when he decided to have an affair.

He says that the affair had nothing to do with me (which I don't entirely believe). He says that he wasn't thinking about hurting me, he was just doing what felt good. Oh so when you decided to text, email, call and meet her, you didn't think about me and how I would feel if I found out? What an ass.

All he did was think about how he felt and what he wanted. He wanted to escape from the reality of life and death. He wanted to be in never never land with someone who didn't truly care about him nor the life he created with other people (his wife and kids). All he wanted to do was sit by the pool, drink with someone, not have to deal with the responsibilities of parenthood and then have sex and nap whenever he wanted to because he didn't have to wait for the kids to go to sleep.

Life is hard and we all wish we could escape it once and a while. However, we can't. We have to learn to deal with the crap that enters our lives, not run away from it. My husband has run away from everything that has been painful in his life, the problem in this situation is that him running away didn't only affect him, it affected all of us.

I Didn't Cheat On My Wife

My good friend got married this weekend. I was a bridesmaid and my daughter was the flower girl. It wasn't something that I could simply say, "I can't make it." It was a hard weekend facing everyone who knows what my cheating husband did to me. Not only that, I was surrounded by the promises of fidelity, faithfulness and through sickness and health, for richer or poorer, through good times and bad.

At the rehearsal dinner, the priest stood up front to bless the meal. He told a story that sent me raging. Here is the story:

Photographer: Francesco Marino

A man dies and is at the gates of heaven. God says, "You need 100 points to get into heaven.  What have you done to warrant you 100 points." The guy tells God that he has been married 53 years. God says that he gets two points for that. The guy then says proudly, "I have never cheated on my wife nor in my heart." God exclaims that he also gets two points. The guy seems perplexed and says that he served his wife breakfast in bed at least once a week. God says he gets one point for that. He then says that he gave his wife a bath at least twice a week. God says that he also gets one point for that. The guy wonders how he will ever get into Heaven. He then said, "I have always held my faith in God." God lets him in.

My cheating husband will never be able to say that he never cheated on his wife. How ridiculous is that? The one thing you should never do in marriage, and he does it. What a fool. While he is repenting and trying to make up for his "mistakes", the fact is that he did it. You can't go back and undo what has been done. Sure, you can live life as a better person, but in my eyes, you will always have that sin as part of you.

Wearing Wedding Rings After an Affair

Photographer: Salvatore Vuono

The night I found my husband in a hotel with his slut, I took my wedding and engagement rings off. I had never taken them off, even when they were strangling my finger because I was pregnant. Taking them off was symbolic for me, it meant the end of our marriage.

At that time, I was convinced that I was getting a divorce. There was no way I would stay with someone who would do something so horrible to me and our kids. Who does that? How disrespectful. He had no problem taking his wedding ring off to be with her...and to me, by taking his wedding ring off he was breaking his commitment to me and our marriage to each other.

Not having my wedding rings on really hurt him and he realized the real damage that he has done to us. How he didn't see that while he was with her is beyond my comprehension...selfishness along with mental illness I suppose (but that's for another post).

I won't put those rings on again. As we work to repair our marriage, I feel as though we are creating a new relationship and in time, a new marriage. The one we had before is dead. It's gone. Our wedding rings, which used to be a symbol of our love and commitment to each other, is now just a symbol of loss and betrayal...

Did you take or would you take your wedding rings off?

Why Men Cheat

Photo: Now and Zen Photography

I just read an interesting article on the Opera Winfrey website about Why Men Cheat. A marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman conducted a study and discovered some of the reasons why men cheat on their wives. As I read it, I started to shake my head and agree with so many of the signs that a man is cheating or will cheat.

It's such a shame to read things like this because even though most of these types of articles say that it's not the wife's fault, it always makes me feel like I have done something wrong. My husband says that it wasn't me...and that it doesn't have to do with  me. However, I can't believe that. I understand our situation is different from someone else's but at the same time, I am not going to deny that our marriage was perfect. We fell into the common trap of taking care of the kids before taking care of each other. We grew distant...and the distance between us (due to military deployments) didn't help that along with one of the most devastating moments in my husband's life while he had to be away.

I did like the part where he says, "And here's the bottom line that a woman has to understand if you're going forward in this relationship and he's confessing and he's remorseful, and that is he was screwed up before. He made a mistake. He knows that. ... But right now he's saying, 'I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I really messed up." ...That is very comforting.

Special Moments as a Family After the Affair

Photo: jscreationzs

I have always cherished the time we spend together as a family. I love holidays because they are the times that you have the most memorable moments. I have a feeling that holidays will have much more meaning now...because they almost didn't happen this way.

Yesterday, we had trick or treating because our town didn't want to celebrate Halloween on a Sunday. As we watched our kids walk up to each door, yelling trick or treat, saying thank you and then walking to the next house as me and my husband walked hand in hand, I realized that this all could have been so much different. All I had to do was slap down $2500 at the attorney's office, tell him to write up the separation agreement and we would be living in two different states awaiting a divorce settlement. I could either be taking the kids trick or treating by myself or they would have been with my husband...and I would have been alone...missing the joy the kids were having.


The risk my cheater husband made makes me sick to my stomach. He almost ruined our family....and our future. He almost ruined the memorable moments we would have shared together. He almost ruined everything because of his selfishness. He didn't think of me and the kids and all of these things he took advantage of before. He didn't realize how important we are to each other and how good life was with us. It took a near divorce to open his eyes...