Therapy Tomorrow...

I have my therapy appointment tomorrow. I was going to write down what I wanted to work on but as I sit here with a blank page in front of me, I am at a loss of what exactly I want to work on. Probably because I don't really have anything I am struggling with right now.

Thank God, I do have some good coping skills. I am not perfect and I do blow up at times, but I am rather good at figuring out what it is that really bothers me in a situation and then doing something to take care of it.

Michael wants me to discuss how I can rebuild trust in him. He wants that so bad and well, I don't really feel compelled to rush that along. I mean, I know that it's going to take a long long time for trust to seep back into the relationship, so I don't really think I need to "work at it". I think trust comes with time and with trial. I bought a new car with him, right? SO it's a start...

He also says that I need to deal with my habit of always referring to the past. Now, see, he thinks the past is last week. What he did wrong last week, shouldn't be brought up today. Nor should yesterday be brought up today because he is not doing what he was doing yesterday today. Huh? Yeah, I know. Oh he just hates that he is a cheater and that he has treated me so badly these past oh 7 years. Honestly, I just need him to suck it up and really swallow how horrible he was as a husband - because maybe then I would start to feel less compelled to throw it in his face.

You know what I really want - I want to stop feeling like I have to take care of him. You know, all throughout the time that his grandfather was dying, I desperately tried to take care of him and be there for him. I worried day and night and I just wanted him to be home with me so I could take care of him. I sent him emails, I went and visited his grandparents, I begged him to come home ... I followed him around like a puppy dog and did everything for him. Only to be slapped in the face over and over again. Told that I was useless and not good enough...

And now...still... whenever I know something is wrong with him, he continues to tell me he is fine and that he doesn't need help and that he is some different person now. ONLY to find out a couple weeks later that I was right when he finally admits he really wasn't doing well.

You know, I am just over all of this. I take care of two children and I am just about fed up taking care of a grown up. Of course, I would be there for him if something tragic happens or if he really needed me but I am just done worrying about how he is before something bad happens - I am done foretelling the future. Done looking at him and thinking, "uh oh he's not doing well, how can i save him?" Because as we all can see, I can't save him. He makes his own decisions on how he wants to handle his emotional pain...

It's time that I start to look at myself and see what lies ahead for me rather than what lies ahead for him. I need to learn to pay more attention to myself and just be available when someone else needs me. Instead of looking outward all the time, it's time to look inward. See the problem with the whole affair is that instead of looking inward - I kept looking outward - analyzing everything around me... instead of analyzing me and the great pain I was in. I knew I was in pain...But I kept trying to solve my pain by solving his pain. The only problem is that his pain was fueling my pain and I didn't know how to stop his...

I have no clue how to do this though... I am not a selfish person ...and I always think of other people before myself. But maybe the reason why I don't think of myself first is because it hurts too much to deal with myself ...and I derive pleasure from cultivating the pleasure of others. Hhhmmm...It's like I can't make myself happy unless I am making someone else happy. But what else makes ME happy? Only me happy? Honestly, my work makes me happy...going back to school would make ME happy. It's really all that has ever made ME happy. It's funny because going to school used to be about my parents and making them happy (probably where all of this originated from) but now, it's really what I enjoy. I love learning...and exploring myself. I need to explore myself to find out what makes me happy - and what I need to do to make me happy.....