Yesterday we went to the beach as a family. Of course, the whole time I was ridden with thoughts of my husband with his slut at the beach last summer. I *love* thinking about them frolicking in the water and on the sand...let me tell you. The anxiety was too great as we got in the car to head back to the hotel.
I told him how I was feeling and how I wondered if I will ever be able to do anything without thinking about them two. Immediately, my husband put his defenses up. He became offended but I remembered what Dr. S told me, that this is the guilt that is talking to me. He doesn't want to hear it because it raises a lot of guilt inside of him. So I told him to take a step back and realize that this is about me. He calmed down but anytime I said anything, he would start to get defensive again. We did the let's calm down a few times. He talked about how he is really trying to do what Dr. S is teaching him but it's really hard for him because he is still working on it (applauds) and I told him that I just want comfort. I don't want him to solve anything because there is nothing that can be solved here. It is what it is... what happened last year cannot be erased. All I need is the comfort of hearing, "I know how much this has hurt you...I am so sorry...I wish I could take it away...I really do". He tried to say the words, but they weren't grounded.
Dr. S and I spoke about how he has still not faced the affair. He tries to run from it as much as possible, which is why he becomes so angry when I bring it up. He wants me to feel better and he wants to help me with it, but at the same time, it hurts him too bad to see me in so much pain.
I must say that just being able to work through these times with him does make me feel closer to him. Being able to use the things we have learned in therapy is pretty great. I am so glad he decided to go back and I hope he continues for as long as it takes to heal him. Because I think his healing will in turn help my healing as well.
Monday, July 25, 2011
How Therapy Helps Us
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Im glad that things are getting better, it is a testiment to your strength. I'm also glad that you are creating some new memories. She may of been with him last year, but you are with him now. And now she's alone.
ReplyDeleteI'm happy you were able to get him to understand it is about you and not him when you are upset about the past and I am also glad that he is at least beginning to get that comforting you is the point, not defending himself <3
ReplyDeleteI feel you on what you shared. My husband often turns the table around when I express my pain. He immediately goes into a rant about him and how he messed up and how he will never allow that to happen again. He gets very angry and you can tell the anger is at himself. Reading what you said the therapist said to explain the anger makes sense. My husband is also one NOT to deal with painful subjects. He does not like confrontation does not like to spend a lot of time on things that take emotional effort and is really horrible at expressing himself emotionally or stepping into another person's pain.
ReplyDeleteI want to tell him when he does this, "we know this already!"
He has expressed extreme regret and always tells me, "I can't believe I almost lost my family." but I don't need that. It doesn't help me in my pain. When he says that stuff it takes the spotlight off of ME and puts it back on HIM. What I need to hear is what you need to hear as well. I need to hear, "I am so sorry this is happening, I wish I had never done ______. I hurt because you hurt and there is no one I'd rather be with than you. She was never you and never can be you."
I also wouldn't mind if he said "I was a blasted idiot!" too lol
UGH!
Your words are my words exactly...we know we experience the same pain when we find comfort in the same way. ;-)
ReplyDeleteI'm two years down the road from this post, but oh how its helping
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