Last week, we were in Virginia because my husband had
training. Virginia is where my best friend lives (the one that wrote me that
horrible letter a few months back that I posted - My Best Friend Turns Against Me). I decided to text her
to meet for dinner because I kept thinking about it and since I was thinking
about it, I figured it must mean something.
I tried to act like nothing ever happened but she wouldn’t
allow it. After we had dinner with both of our families, she asked if we could
have lunch. Lunch started out the same way (acting as if nothing happened) but
I kept getting this vibe from her. So finally I said, “Okay let’s do this” She
said, “THANK YOU!”
We then discussed the letter…and of course, she has her side
and I have mine. I could tell that she was really broken hearted by how she
hurt me. It really touched my heart when she said that she has lost many people
in her life through death and other ways but she has never cried as much as she
has cried for me. I could tell she was genuine and she admitted that should
have never sent the letter and she should have thought of me and my state of
mind when she said what she said.
After hearing her, I could feel myself release something…all
of a sudden I said, “I forgive you…” And followed with, “I forgive you in my
own definition of forgiveness. People tell me forgiveness is about accepting
what happened and moving on even if you do hold on to what happened. But in my
definition, forgiveness is forgetting what happened and not having any sort of
hard feelings from it. It’s as if it never happened.”
The surge I felt when I said those three words was amazing.
I forgive you… powerful stuff.
As I left our lunch, I contemplated that feeling and then
wondered if I could ever feel that way about my husband. Could I ever truly
forgive him for what he did…. I just can’t see how. Many people believe I have
forgiven him because I came back to him and we are working it out….but really,
in my definition, I don’t think I ever will….
That's where we differ. I have forgiven I just haven't forgotten. I almost feel like if I could forget then the forgiving would be more complete but it doesn't work that way. I don't feel bitterness or resentment or anger, just pain pain pain pain and bewilderment. Still trying to wrap my head around all the things left to heal from.
ReplyDeleteGood for you on forgiving him...I can't imagine how that must feel. Maybe someday down the road ...years down the road? We will be able to forget...although I imagine myself laying on my death bed when I am 80 looking up at him saying, "I still can't believe you cheated on me..."
ReplyDeleteThat is so funny, but true. I pray that God works on our hearts so that when we get to the death bed we can think on more important things :)
ReplyDeleteHow long has it been since you found out?
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