Still in Affair Recovery

Thanks for checking in someone. :-)

I know...it's been a long time since I posted on this blog. Once I was no longer in rage mode of my recovery, my writing just didn't fit for this blog. However, I know that it helps a lot of readers and I will make a point to come back and write more often about the private side of this personal struggle.

It's going on a year and half since I found out and about two years since the affair started. Today, my husband's aunt said, "I am so glad you guys are doing so well." She then proceeded to tell me about how hard it is to forgive and forget. All I could get thinking was how she was so sure that I have forgiven and forgotten. Then I couldn't help but think that I couldn't believe that she was bringing this up to me. See, we haven't seen her since the affair broke out...so she thought we were still in some chaotic mess of a marriage.

Behind closed doors, we were discussing how I wish he would stop doing some sexual things that I know he got from the affair. He refuses to admit that he did get it from the affair but yet he never did it before her and has done it ever since her.

Mind you, I can talk about this stuff without batting an eye lash now. I used to be full of rage and cry about it. I know talk about it as a fact and have no problems with it. I am in a place of acceptance. I am very strong now with it. I know what I want and what I don't want. I can voice that too. Something I could never do.

Anyway, my husband on  the other hand continues to carry a lot of guilt over the affair. He has many anxiety attacks over it and when I bring up things like how I wish he he wouldn't kiss my ear because I know he got that from her - he immediately get's really anxious and is stricken with a sense of utter devastation. He denies it..crumbles...I let him go into his hole of "I want to die" and when he emerges ...we move on to the next thing.

I'll tell you...it's not easy. It's the hardest thing ever. My heart drops every time I hear about someone who is going through what I have gone through and what I am going through. Since I am a counselor, I have started focusing a program that helps wives whose husbands have cheated and trying  to save their relationships with their husbands. I am not ready to disclose that here because I have divulged a lot on  this blog through my rage. Maybe something I would like to share this...because many of these posts are real raw emotions. They are helpful to those in the beginning stages of recovery. But right now, is not the right time.


As far as the wedding rings - which is the most poplar post here - I still do not wear one and VOW never to wear one again. I look at them and like them but I have no faith in marriage. I have faith in relationships.

Okay, so check back. I will keep you posted more and give you some back information. Feel free to post your experiences... Oh and if you are really curious about my program for affair recovery - email me or comment here and I can share it privately with you.

Stay strong everyone... because it will make you strong... It did for me.

The Natural Progression of Marriage after the Affair

Well, tonight I saw the next stage of what we will be working on in the marriage. My husband's uninvolvement in the children. The kids have been pretty mean to my husband lately. He picked up our daughter from school and said, "Oh, is it just you?" Then he said he would put our son to bed tonight and he kicked, spit and yelled for me the entire time. The kids prefer me over him but I have been their primary caregiver the second they have been born. It's only natural for them to want me. Now that he wants to be involved, they aren't comfortable with that.

He got really upset about it all. He started vented and I tried to help him by giving him suggestions but he didn't want to hear them. So I said, "Well, what is the point of sitting here venting if you don't ever want to stop the problem you are having with them?" "If you want to have a better relationship with them,  you have to start being a part of their life." He of course wanted to make excuses for his actions in the past but I wouldn't allow it. You can't excuse they way he was before. All you can do now is treat them  the way he should have always treated them ....just like he is treating me now.

I made the suggestion that every night I would cut out of the house, take a walk, go get some coffee or something like that so he can put our son to bed and spend some time with our daughter. That will be the quality time he should have with them and get them more comfortable with him putting them  to bed. AND BONUS...me some time alone.

I am glad that he is actually going to take steps to change it now... and it bothers him enough to make a change because before....he just didn't care enough...he would just distance himself even more...so much that it lead him to an affair.

Some of the things he said to me during his venting was:

"You don't understand how it is to be away from the kids for months at a time..."

"You don't understand what it's like for them to never want you"

"You don't understand how it feels to have them ignore you"

As you can see, there is a theme here. The reasons why he feels this way is because the times he was away, the kids didn't have him around...they only had me. He never would ask to speak to them when he would call...and he doesn't now no matter how much I tell him that he should at least say hello to them. And when he used to come home after long deployments? He would be so distant.....he would just sit on the couch and wouldn't play with them or involve himself with us. So it was like we were by ourselves....yes, this was way before the affair. He basically couldn't deal with the pain of being away from us so he just cut himself emotionally from us so he wouldn't have to feel the pain. ... I said to him (as much as it hurt him)

"Your pain is paining them....."

So true....all around....

The Good News and The Bad News

The slut mobile is gone....and I lost my job.

Yes, we sold the truck last night. The one that my cheater would drive his slut around in during their little get togethers. I was not sad to see it go. BYE BYE SLUT MOBILE.  I never did sit in the passenger seat again after I knew she had sat on it. Glad to know I will never have to either. Another trigger out of my life...YAY.

In other news, I lost my job last Friday. Yep, just like that. I'm actively seeking other employment now. But I can't help but think what if I was divorced right now? Of course, I am going to apply for unemployment, and maybe I would be okay financially? I am not sure..... but it scares me....and makes me sad to think that I still don't trust my cheater to think that it could be tomorrow that he decides he doesn't want to be with me again.

Then you have the whole situation of how life is really teaching me a hard lesson...I may have something today but that doesn't mean it will be here tomorrow. Something you have could be taken from you just like that. I loved my job...of course, finally I love my job and for the first time in my life I get laid off because of the company's lack of funds to pay us (almost everyone was let go...). <sigh>

But how does this relate to infidelity you may wonder? Well, besides the fact that I relate to the possibility that I could be dealing with this as a single divorced woman. My husband has been trying his best and doing a good job being supportive to me. He even saw the shrink to find out how to best help me in this bad time. Kudos to him.... I knew there was a reason I came and stayed and why I love him... I just knew there was a reason....

Dissociation from the Affair

I discovered that after the emotional upheaval of the D-Day anniversary, I am now dissociated from the affair. I don't feel emotionally connected to it. Whenever I try to get emotionally connected, I feel myself pull away.

My shrink explained that this is a time to process the events of the affairs (before, during and after) without the effects of emotions coming into play. It's an important part of my recovery. It's when I will be able to make some hard decisions for myself on how I will proceed.

 I came up with some interesting revelations in that session:

• In many ways, I don't forgive myself for allowing my husband to treat me and the kids the way he did for so long, especially during the affair.
• I often rely too much on making sure everyone else is happy and don't make sure I am happy, so what happens is that all of a sudden I am in a hole of unhappiness. 
• I don't know if I ever will be  able to forgive my husband and I learned that forgiveness doesn't lie with him. He can't do anything to make me forgive him....forgiveness comes within my healing. However, I don't know how to get to that point.

Therapy sure is helping me.... I just wish my husband would make it a priority as much as I have been making it mine.

Real Housewives of New York - Ramona Singer

The episode when Ramona is sitting with the fortune teller in Morocco and she tells her that she sees another woman in Mario's life, I knew was taking a turn towards the cheating path. Because you know, all shows these days have to have a splash of infidelity in there somewhere. Shoot, all relationships these days have to have some of it it seems.

But, when Ramona tells Mario what the fortune teller said, the truth was written all over his face. He is most definitely cheating on her. You could tell he was trying really hard to make his voice sound as truthful as possible. It was strained.

Then at the reunion show when Jill said that there is talk among the social circle that he has been cheating on her...well, that's the hook and sinker right there. People don't go around talking unless it's true.

My heart goes out to Ramona...I'm sorry girl - we're in a club no one ever wants to be in. Hoping the best for you - whatever that is...