Sunday, May 27, 2012

Bewildered by my Church

When my us and was having his affair, I sought out the comfort of a priest while I was staying with his grandmother. The priest told me that I had better treat my husband well or he really would cheat on me. All I wanted my some comfort with faith, and I received a slap in the face.

Last week, I emailed my priest who baptized Michael to tell him I do not want to validate my vows in the church because Of what he did. Don't worry, my husband already told him what he had done. Anyway, after emailing him my decision, do you know he didn't write back to me?

All I expected was a "I'm so sorry for the pain you've been through and continue to go through. I will pray that God helps you find peace, and if you need anything at all, please let me know."

No, instead I get the feeling that I am being looking down upon because I can't forgive. I am the one in the wrong because I refuse to renew my vows two years after an affair that has altered my life forever. It just doesn't seem fair. It's definitely made me question a lot about the church.... which has always been a really huge part of my life.

Friday, May 4, 2012

2 Year Anniversary of the Affair and the Visions are Back

The other day I was having a lot of visions about the affair. I would picture her and him smiling and laughing and having a great ol time together. The visions were so real that I started having a hard time concentrating on what I needed to do for work.

All of a sudden I realized that this was the time my husband came home off his ship and I discovered the text messages and phone calls to his slut. This was the time two years ago that I started to find out bit by bit he was having an afffair.

Two years later and that time still affects me so much. I can definitely say that I am better than I was a year ago but not completely healed. I don't believe I will ever be healed.

I told my husband and he immediately was uptight. I can tell these things...he wasn't a jerk about it but I could tell he was bracing himself for the attack that he thought was coming.

I didn't attack that time but a couple days later he asked me to go for a run with him and I immediately thought about how he went for a run with her in a beautiful park the day that I caught them at the hotel. The vision of them running, smiling, stopping to kiss and then taking a shower together afterwards just threw me off. He didn't not react well and started saying he didn't do anything....yeah not that minute but he sure as hell did a whole lot two years ago.


I am so damaged it's ridiculous....

Cheater Husband Gets Baptized

I'm so horrible aren't I? My husband gets baptized, which is supposed to wipe all sin and I can't help but call him a cheater. Once a cheater always a least to me I guess.

When my husband got baptized I felt as though he did an awesome thing and I was going to be able to completely forgive and forget. And now I am not anywhere close again.... Ugh infidelity sure does suck.

See when he was baptized the priest started asking for our marriage certificate and my baptismal certificate so we could go ahead with having our marriage blessed in the Catholic church. I am not okay with this...

It's essentially a renewing of the vows and I am not ready for that and I'm not sure if I will ever be ready for it. I don't want to profess my faith to him because I don't think he deserves that. I gave him that once before and he completely screwed it up. I don't want him to make me any promises either because again, he screwed that up.

Honestly, I am okay with how things are right now and I don't want to do anything that might change that, including making some sort of commitment to each other. Heck no.

So anyway, my husband since his baptism has been all holy and is hanging on to believing that now she is erased of his sins. See, I don't know. I feel like he did this because it was like a get out of jail free card. Like if he devotes himself to God then he wont be guilty anymore...

I know my husband deep down inside is a good man but I don't think what he did will ever be erased. I don't believe when someone does something bad that it should ever be erased. I mean he didn't just make some trivial mistake, he .....I don't even know what you call it but it's certainly not just a mistake. Confessing your sins away just doesn't seem should want to follow God because he is awesome not because he is relieving you of a sin.

See even though this was all about him...or it should have's affected me a great deal. I now run from the priest because I don't want to face the fact that I can't forgive him because I know that's a sin but it's one I am holding on to.

Then there's the whole belief in baptism and confession that makes me question my faith because if I don't believe he .relieved of all sin then I dont believe in what he did...what kind of Catholic am I?

It makes me faith has always been something important to's carried me through the affair and throughout my entire life. When I have felt the lonlinest, my faith was there to comfort.

Now my faith is being tested I guess....of course it has to do with the same man that made me question a lot of other things in my life...

I think I really need to just hold on....I need to weather my storm and get back to my own faith...the one I have always fell into when life just didn't fleel right.