Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Defining Love After an Affair

I've always had a romanticized view of what love is because I never really experienced while growing up. My parents aren't affectionate or emotional beings. They view love as taking care of your kids until they are old enough to fend for themselves and then their job is done. I always thought that love was when you like being with someone so much that you would rather be with the person than not be with him, that you would do whatever it takes to make that person happy and happy with you. I also thought that love was someone feeling and doing the same to me. With that love comes affection and comfort from life's harsh realities.

However, since the affair, I really have no clue what love is because I thought I was doing everything I needed to do to ensure love in our relationship. My husband wasn't, but I was able to deal with that. As long as I knew that he knew I loved him and that he appreciated what I did for him, I thought that it was okay. Until I found out that he truly didn't appreciate or care what I did for him.

I asked a question I already knew the answer to the other night to my husband. I asked, "Didn't you ever talk to her about how much you missed me and the kids?" Since he said they talked about everything because he was so depressed about his dad dying. At first he said no, but then tried to backtrack when he could tell that my heart blew up into a million pieces. He then said that he talked about me with his friends while she was standing right next to them. That's not what I call talking to her about how upset he was about being away from me and the kids.

Not talking to her about me shows that he really didn't hold me in his heart and as closely as I had thought he did. He always told me that she manipulated him into loving her. However, if he never talked about me, showed her how much he cares for me, and didn't wear his ring around her, that makes me think that she was thinking he wasn't that attached to me, which meant a very easy way in...

Through all our marriage difficulties, I never let go of my husband. I always held him as my husband and respected him as that. If I ever talked to a guy, I would talk about my husband. It was clear that I was attached and loved him.

So did he lose his love for me during that time? Did he forget what love was? What is love anyway? Everyone who has ever loved me has treated me badly or hasn't treated me the way I define it. I have thousands of emails where he tells her that he loves her but now he says that he didn't and it was all bullshit. Okay, so how do I know he loves me? His actions surely don't show that he did or does? What do I believe, especially when my trust for him has been completely broken?

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Dreaming About the Affair

Lately, I have been having some really crazy and upsetting dreams. Some don't make any sense at all because they are just me doing things I usually do such as going to McDonald's for an ice coffee with caramel. Actually, many of them are about food, which is weird. While that isn't the disturbing part (it's actually the nicer part of the dreams since it's like eating all night without the calories), it is followed by some sort of affair related material.

Last night, someone came into my bedroom (which didn't look like my bedroom in the dream) and found a large stack of photos of my husband and his mistress. As the person went through each photo, it was like a slideshow of the photos I saw in my husband's secret email account and then some ones that my mind made up. It was killing me to look at them but I could not look at them.

See that's the difference between your daytime thoughts and night ones. You can somewhat control the ones you have during the day but you can't really at night. Your mind is free to think about whatever it desires and you can't tell it to shut up.

Since I have been having them for a while now, I have calmed down my reaction to them. At first, I would be disgruntle all day dealing with the emotional aftermath. Now, I tell myself it was a dream and try my hardest to push the images out of my head. Thankfully, if I don't dwell on it too long, I sometimes forget what they are about.

I did wake up my husband to tell him that I had a bad dream. I wasn't interested in talking about it but I needed to release some of the tension and of course, make him feel bad that I was having yet, another nightmare about his stupidity. It's just another stab...I know. However, if it makes me feel better, and he is committed to our marriage, he will be able to deal with it.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Picking the Right Counselor for Infidelity Help

It's imperative that victims of infidelity seek some sort of therapy to effectively deal with the aftermath of infidelity. Without professional help, you may struggle longer than is healthy and permanently damage your ability to not only trust your cheating spouse but anyone who you come into contact with in any type of relationship.

Not all therapists are created equal. I am myself a counselor and can tell whether or not a therapist is truly being genuine in efforts as an effective counselor.

It's important to understand that not everyone benefits from the same "good" counselor. Therefore, seeking help from someone only because someone recommended the person may not be your best choice. You have to mesh with your therapist. Your personalities must work well together and rapport building should be easy and comfortable with him or her.

It's also important that the counselor is working on issues with you to get you from A to B. The therapist I have right now is not doing this. She is more like a sound board rather than a partner in my process of recovering from infidelity.

Together with your therapist, you should establish goals and discuss steps to reach those goals. Each session should address at least one of them and there should be activities or something to work on outside of the session so that work done in therapy can crossover into your life, giving you the ability to apply coping skills.

That's it for now but there are some other factors you should consider when choosing a counselor for surviving infidelity, so check back.

The Death of a Marriage After an Affair

I once heard someone say that you never really accept that someone you love has died. Instead, you learn to live without the person. I think that a marriage after an affair is very similar to this...again, because the marriage was killed by the infidelity.

I really don't think I'll ever be able to accept that my husband cheated on me. I don't even know if I can go there in my mind. It's just so painful and I'm already in so much pain. However, as time goes on, I see myself learning to live with this history. I'll most likely carry it around with me like a battle wound of some sort.

Extreme trauma can change you forever and influence choices you make in the future. I may never be able to see my husband as the man I married. However, I may see him as my husband, the father of my children and someone who has hurt me so incredibly bad. It may be a defense mechanism in that as long as I keep him as "the cheater" in my mind, I will always be careful not to get too sure of him. I guess that's the same as not truly ever being able to trust him again....

Monday, November 22, 2010

Dealing with 'What Could Have Been'

I talked about this a little in my last post about how my husband doesn't deserve being with me and the kids but I guess I just have to write about it again because I am really not doing well right now.

As I sit here and think about Thanksgiving, I can't get the visions of that night in the hotel after I discovered the truth of my husband's infidelity. My kids in the king size bed as I paced thinking about how we would have to share the kids on holidays and weekends etc. etc. How Thanksgiving would come too quick and wondered if it would be my first one alone without the kids or if it would Christmas.

Now I sit here with my family, who used to be picture perfect and I feel like it's all fake. We're going to have the traditional Thanksgiving dinner and the kids are all excited. However, it's like a black cloud is sitting over us that won't leave me alone. I can't shake the feeling that maybe this shouldn't be this way. Maybe I was weak and should have gone through with the separation...after all, he cheated on me for EIGHT months.

I picture myself in an apartment with the kids like I did a lot after I found out. I don't see it as so bad but I don't see it better than where I am now. I'm so conflicted. I know this is better in the end if we can repair the damage in our marriage but really...this is all so hard. I feel trapped...dealing with infidelity sucks and divorce sucks too. I'm so... sad...mad...confused.

Post Infidelity Stress Disorder

My therapist often tells me that I exhibit the signs of someone who has post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Someone with this disorder experiences a heightened state of anxiety and anguish over a traumatic event and will envinsion themselves going through the experience over and over again. In essence, people who suffer from PTSD not only experiences the horrible event once but relives it many times. This can be in thoughts, dreams, and in some extreme cases visions.

To describe a stress response to infidelity much like PTSD, Dr. Dennis Ortman came up with a term called Post Infidelity Stress Disorder or PISD. The symptoms are very much like what I am experiencing:

Certainly, discovering a partner’s adultery causes enormous stress for any individual. However, some are traumatized, feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope, often for years. Their reaction is similar to those who have had life-threatening experiences, such as war, natural disasters, violent crimes, physical and sexual abuse, and automobile accidents. These individuals manifest a predictable pattern of symptoms marked by alternating periods of emotional numbing and reliving the horror of the trauma (van der Kolk, McFarlane, & Weisaeth, 1996). Many victims of infidelity experience their psychic life threatened, and become preoccupied with the betrayal and filled with rage. I call their reaction “post-infidelity stress disorder,” with the acronym PISD, which expresses the rage that is a primary symptom of the disorder. Exerpt from: Journal of Psychosocial Nursing and Mental Health Services abstract.

There's always something comforting about finding out what is really going on inside of you. It helps you feel less crazy and know that many other people must be feeling the same way if they have a name for what you are experiencing. Is there anyone else out there that fit this description?

By the way, there's a book by Dr. Ortman that further explains his theory for PISD. It's called Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

He Doesn't Deserve This LIfe

As Thanksgiving draws near, I am struggling with some thoughts that have really made me depressed. I remember after finding out that my husband cheated and I was getting ready to hand over the check to the lawyer for the separation how soon I would be dealing with either Thanksgiving or Christmas without my kids. This devastated me...more than finding out my husband was with some other girl.

Now, I sit and  think about my decision not to divorce him and making this marriage work. I am conflicted with sadness and rage. A part of me is sad that this almost didn't happen, while the other side of me is angry because after what he did, he just doesn't deserve to be with a loving family during the holiday. He not only betrayed me but he betrayed our children, so why is he so lucky to have us around now?

I feel like he should have been punished more for his infidelity. He should have experienced what his consequences could have been because unlike me, I don't think he fully understands what could have been. He wasn't the one looking for a divorce...it was me. I was the one who had the ball and decided what to do with it. That scares me, because I could have made a different choice, which would have changed the course of our life forever.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Three Types of Cheaters

Photographer: graur codrin
As I delve more into the world of infidelity, I am starting to realize that not everyone has the same reason for cheating. Infidelity is much more complicating than someone just wanting to have sex with someone else. It also has much more to do with just meeting someone new and sharing emotions with the person. When you look at the bigger picture, cheating has to do with an underlying motivation. So to recover from infidelity, it's important to look deeper into the reason why rather than the what (as in what happened).

From my readings on cheaters, here are some of the themes I have found:

Distorted Reality Cheater
This type of cheater wants to run away from something in his/her life that is unpleasant and run to someone who doesn't have anything to do with the unpleasantries he/she has to face in reality. So the cheater creates this fantasy world with this person that is completely separate from the truth. When the distorted reality cheater is away with his/her fantasy person, life left behind stops and vanishes for the time being. There is no thought to what is going on in the "other world".

Excitement Addict Cheater
This person is addicted to excitement. Cheating is forbidden and that is what makes it exciting. If it weren't for the spouse, being with the person he/she is cheating on wouldn't be half as wonderful as it seems it is. It's the getting away with cheating and not being caught that is addictive. It's a rush when you go off to meet someone new knowing that you are so sly in being able to pull it off.

Revenge Cheater
This isn't only for the people who have been cheated on themselves, but also for people who are just resentful to their spouse. People who continue to live in unhappy marriages will overtime begin to resent their spouse for anything he/she does...no matter if it's fair or not. This type of cheater will cheat because it's a secret way to get back at the spouse even though he/she may not find out for a long time.

Knowing these types of cheaters will not only help you if you've been betrayed but it can help you even if you haven't been. Knowing the signs of cheating by looking out for your spouse distancing him/herself, looking for drama or excitment and acting resentful can really help you work on your relationship before it's gone the route of infidelity.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Song About Cheating: Cheater Cheater by Joey and Rory

It's good to sometimes change your focus and channel your rage towards the homewrecker that sunk her teeth into your husband. Cheater Cheater by Joey and Rory is my new favorite song about cheating. I think you'll enjoy it too and won't be able to resist the urge to replay it repeatedly. Before you play this video, scroll down to the bottom of the page so you can pause the cheating songs player or you'll be hearing two songs at once. Crank it up!

Self-Esteem Boost: Eva Longoria Divorces Cheating Husband

As a follow up to my self-esteem post from a few weeks ago, I must say that I am feeling a bit better about myself after hearing about how Eva Longoria was cheated on. I mean of course, I am not happy to hear that she has been attacked like I have been but it says a lot about not mattering what you look like or who you are.

Look at Eva...Most men would just love to be with her. Many of them probably thought how lucky Tony Parker was to have her as his wife. Beauty is of course only skin deep and it does count how you are inside, but I'm going with my gut and the incredible urge to stand up for her that she isn't a bad person or a bad wife. Even if she is, there is never any acceptable reason for cheating. If you don't like her, divorce her first, then have sex with as many women as you would like. What's so hard to understand about that?

I guess for today, I will calm down on my self-bashing and realize that even ridiculously gorgeous woman get cheated on. It's not about the looks...it's about the man, who has no control over resisting the excitment of doing something forbidden.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Story of Cheating Husband Who Married His Mistress

Photographer: graur codrin
This summer,  in the midst of the affair, my husband and I were moving to a new town very faraway from where we were living before. Because of my husband's behavior during the affair (before I found out) we backed out of a house we were going to buy and had to start over to look for somewhere else to live. During this interim time, we lived in a hotel.

When my husband started his new job in our new town, he met this guy who he mentioned to that we were currently living in a hotel awaiting closing on a house. The guy immediately offered his house to us so we wouldn't have to pay to live in a hotel anymore. We accepted the offer and it soon became known the reason why these people entered our lives....it was a window into my husband's "what could have been".

Bryan is ten years older than Cara. He has been married before and has two teenage daughters from his previous marriage. Cara told me the story of how they met and married. Bryan cheated on his wife with Cara. Cara, who was told by her doctor that she couldn't get pregnant and has been having unprotected sex for years, all of sudden became pregnant. Since she was into the wild lifestyle of drugging, drinking and partying she wasn't quite sure who the baby belonged to, however she told Bryan it was his.

Bryan left his wife and married Cara. When the baby was born, it was a good thing she looked like Bryan or Cara would have been in trouble. A year later, Cara became pregnant again. Since Bryan is in the military, he is gone a lot. Bryan's two teenage daughters live with Bryan and Cara instead of their mother so Cara immediately because a mother to four children.

Things are not good between Bryan and Cara. Cara admitted that she is very scared that Bryan will cheat on her just because he cheated on his wife with her. She also mentioned that he acts like an old man because he doesn't want to go out to the bars and party with her (he's 10 years old..been there...done that). The older teenager is out of control, into drugs, dating men much older than her and acting out at school.

It's no wonder why Cara is unhappy. She went from care-free lifestyle to a demanding tied down one. She is on antidepressants, talks about going to live somewhere else with the kids, and they are in the process of seeking marriage counseling.

My husband's mistress was about just as much younger. If he had chosen her, would she had been ready to take on what Cara has? I assure you not. She doesn't even want kids...and scary enough, assured my husband she also couldn't get pregnant. Stupid husband.

The story of Cara and Bryan was like a window into a world that my husband came very close to crashing  into. I am glad that he didn't make the same choice as Bryan, because now we see the other side isn't always greener...

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Emotional Pain Vs. Physical Pain

Photographer: luigi diamanti
I have never felt such emotional pain in my life. Many people who have not experienced such severe emotional pain may never understand that it can be so much worse than physical pain. There are many occasions where I wished that my cheating husband would have just punched me physically than punch me emotionally.

When my husband was in the midst of his affair, he was emotional abusive to me. He would criticize me and yell at me at the drop of a hat. He would push me away as much as he could and even though he was going through the worst emotional pain of his life, he would not let me in to help him at all, which was just another emotional slap in the face. I love my husband and all I ever wanted to do was help him and he would not let me. Instead he would tell me he was fine and didn't need help. Whenever we did have any sort of real conversation, I was attacked with accusations that I didn't understand and couldn't help him.

Not only that, after I found out about the alleged emotional affair he had with his girlfriend, he would tell me that she understood him and they related with each other. He also said that she was going through the same thing  he was (even though  he later found out that she lied about that...among other things...). Every time I heard how much they were connected, it was like being beat down with a stick. I couldn't deal with the news that he had found someone that he would rather talk to and care about.

Emotional pain lasts so much longer than physical pain. Although, anyone who has experienced domestic violence knows that with physical pain comes emotional pain as well. I guess the only way I can say that emotional pain is worse than physical pain is if he had killed me...because he definitely killed me emotionally and that involves more suffering than if I just been shot.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Infidelity's Impact On Children

I HATE that my daughter and son had to be with me when I found out about my husband's physical affair. I was so enraged that I had no control over what I said in front of them and that pains me.

The night my daughter was born, I held her close and told her that I would protect her. I just didn't fulfill that promise that night. Before you think I am a horrible mother putting my kids in the middle of this, know that I didn't really know what I was walking into that night (I had suspicion that I was trying to prove wrong to myself) and we were in the process of moving to a faraway town away from friends and family, which is where I went to "surprise" him. Instead of finding an empty room with only his stuff (he was out watching the UFC fight) I found her stuff there as well.

After finding out about the affair, my husband did not handle it well, especially in front of the kids. He would throw himself on the floor, wail, and throw up. He was a mess and it happened on more then a half a dozen times.

My daughter who is 4 experienced this drama. Last night, she revealed some disturbing thoughts about my husband's throwing up and how he was going to jail. She had tears in her eyes...she also thought my son and I were going to leave too. This broke my heart... She is in so much pain and I didn't protect her from it.

After talking things out with her and reassuring her, I brought this up to my husband. He was concerned but for some reason (probably because I did have those pent up emotions from the night before) I could not hold my anger towards him inside. Not only has he scorned me, he also scorned our children. Scared them and threatened the security they once felt so strongly. Motherly instinct is one of most powerful motivaters when it comes to protecting the well being of your children.

I suppose my rage mostly comes from wanting him to know the depths of how horrible he has treated us. The next time he even looks at another woman, I want him to remember how bad this was and how he never wants to ever live through it or something worse again. I hope my rage will be enough to scare him straight.....

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Forgiveness for Cheating Husband's Girlfriend

In a recent post over at the blog, Emotional Affair Journey, Linda discusses whether or not she forgives her husband's mistress. This got me thinking about my own ability to forgive.

I don't really think about forgiving her because I really have nothing to do with her. If she were a friend or someone I saw on a daily basis (OH THANK GOD I DON'T), I guess there would be a time when I would have to decide if I could forgive her. However, since I am blessed not to have to deal with that over everything else, I don't spend any brain power thinking about forgiving her.

What does it really matter anyway? And honestly, I blame my cheating husband more than I blame her. Of course, she sought out my husband so she does have a major role in the infidelity, but really, my husband should have resisted her advances.

Not to say that I don't have rage for her, because believe me, I hate her. She knew he was married and had two kids. What kind of person tries to break a marriage and take a father from his children? That's a pretty self absorbed person...

All I have to say is...Karma is a bitch.

Swallowing Rage

Photographer: Darren Robertson
My husband came back last night from being away for almost a week. For some reason, whenever he comes home, I get a surge of emotions, mostly rage. You would think I would be excited to see him again but instead, I have something like post traumatic stress disorder.

When my husband came home early from his deployment to see his dying father back in April, he hardly looked at me and wasn't interested in me at all. He was so different. I chocked it up to grief and just tried to be supportive. Well, in hindsight, he was stricken with guilt because he had just committed infidelity.

So now, whenever he comes home from being away, it's like I return to that time and it enrages me. The last time he came home about a month ago, I couldn't control it and we ended up having a heated discussion about the affair for better part of the night. Not exactly what he had in mind when he came home, if you know what I mean.

As I go through the process of surviving infidelity, I feel myself progressing. Last night, I again had those same feelings but I was able to swallow them. They were there...I just chose not to fulfill the urge to fuel it. It was hard but in the end, the night was much more romantic and peaceful.

I would not recommend that anyone swallow their rage until they are ready to. It's taken a lot of yelling at him and processing of the affair to get to this point. I am also not saying that I have swallowed the rage forever. I will have my time again...it just shows some progress that I was actually able to control it this time.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Cheating Husband's Song for Me

I am not always full of rage, sometimes I feel hopeful. So for the sake of not sounding like I am always a bitch, I would like to share something sweet my husband has dedicated to me. I won't even point out that his girlfriend used to find songs for him all the time and now he's all about finding meaningful songs for me (eeerrr). ;-)

So yes, he has dedicated the song Just the Way You Are by Bruno Mars to me. Listen to it:

Cheating Husband: Forgiveness

I don't really understand what forgiveness is all about. I have always thought forgiveness is essentially saying that it's okay the person did something so horrible to you and you're willing to let it go.

Our marriage counselor explained forgiveness in a completely different way. She said that it's accepting what happened, not condoning it at all, but able to move past it.

I'm not sure if I agree with that and because of that, I don't think I will ever be able to say that I forgive my husband. In some people's definition (like the therapist's definition) I have forgiven my cheating husband, but according to mine, I cannot.

Forgiveness is just a word. The feelings you have are much more valuable than the power of a word. I'm sure my cheating husband would love to hear my say that I forgive him. I can't give him that power though...not when he took all my power away from me.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Cheating Revenge Bulletin Board

From Chromoz
Nice touch...but expensive! I hope they have a lot of money because those lawyer fees are going to cost her. That is, if she does indeed decide to leave him. I know that the initial thought is that the marriage is over (it was for me) so you just don't care what you spend your money on or how many people you tell about your cheating husband. However, if you do decide to work it out with him...that's when some of these actions come back to haunt you.

Running over Cheating Husband as Revenge

True...you have to have some restraint when you first find out your husband cheated. But a cheating husband has got to be one of the most common causes for temporary insanity. Those of us who have caught our cheating husband know the rage that went through us at that precise moment. Of course, not everyone is going to run him over, but really, I think we all know how this lady felt.

I love how the only one defending the car runner over is female and Dr. Phil along with the other guy are totally flabbergasted by her remarks. Sure, Dr. Phil, easy for you to say, "Get a divorce." Things are always easier said than done and it's always easier to look at a situation from the outside in and react calmly and rationally.

New Cheating Songs Added to Playlist

Cheating songs are the greatest! Even if you have never been cheated on, you can still feel so empowered by knowing that someone is taking action against someone who has done wrong.

I'm adding cheating songs to my playlist as I hear them. Thanks to Birdie (again), I have added another Carrie Underwood song, Songs Like This. I like it so much that I would like to post the lyrics to it:

Wanna find some boy, rip his heart right out 

First man I see, gonna take him down 

It ain't the Christian thing to do, they say 

But someone, somewhere's gotta pay 

And if it wasn't for guys like you, there wouldn't be songs like this 

And if you hadn't gone and done me wrong, I wouldn't go off like this 

Yeah, even I'm surprised how easy sweet revenge rolls off my lips 
If it wasn't for guys like you, there wouldn't be songs like this 

Broke my tv, pawned my guitar 

After maxing out my credit cards 

You lied much too much, and you lied again 
Caught you on the couch with my best friend 

And if it wasn't for guys like you, there wouldn't be songs like this 

And if you hadn't gone and done me wrong, I wouldn't go off like this 

Yeah, even I'm surprised how easy sweet revenge rolls off my lips 

If it wasn't for guys like you, there wouldn't be songs like this 

Songs like this one that 

Tell the whole world 

Just what a jerk you are 

And if it wasn't for guys like you, there wouldn't be songs like this 

And if you hadn't gone and done me wrong, I wouldn't go off like this 

Yeah, even I'm surprised how easy sweet revenge rolls off my lips 
If it wasn't for guys like you, there wouldn't be songs like this 

No, if it wasn't for guys like you 

There wouldn't be songs like this
[ From: Metrolyrics ]

The other song I added is an oldie but goodie...Linda Ronstadt's song, You're No Good. How perfect is that one too!?

Recovering from Infidelity: The Emotional Roller Coaster Is Going Down

Photographer: Francesco Marino
Anytime my cheating husband has to go off on his boat for a week, I feel myself slipping back into the infidelity hole. He's been gone 5 days today and I have fallen into depression again.

I wasn't able to sleep last night again (second night in a row). All I do when I am asleep is dream about them together and when I wake up, I am stricken with grief. I understand that whole perception that if he's with me, he really wants to be with me, but I can't let go of the fact that he did choose her over me at one time. At a time, when I really should have been the one he turned to when he was so low. I feel like I failed and I couldn't be what he needed me to be...

He says that there was nothing I could do. He had to be gone from me and the kids during the worst time in his life and nothing I could have done would have made it better. He says that he should have listened to me when I pleaded that he make a plea to stay behind when that ship took off for those three months...should of, would of, could of....what happened, happened and now we are stuck in the aftermath of it all.

I also know I shouldn't let myself feel like a victim, but I can't help it when all I can think about is how my marriage wasn't supposed to be this way. It wasn't supposed to take this hard of hit. Of course marriages go through bad times, I just didn't think I would have been fine one minute and at the door of divorce the next. It scares me... my life could be completely different right now, if I hadn't come back to him.

Another thought goes through my mind...what if he cheats on me again? What if he really isn't done with her? What if he's just gotten smarter? I know...don't "what if". I am so scared though...I'm scared that tomorrow may be the end of my marriage.

Dear Annie: Cheating Wife Won't Stop

Photographer: Simon Howden
I just read a Dear Annie question about a guy who's wife was caught cheating, begged to have him stay with her, is going to marriage counseling but continues to talk to her lover every day for an hour. Here is my response to the cheating wife:

Ummm....I just have to say, WTF!? End it already! You either want your husband or you want your boy toy. You can't have both lady. I know so many people think they can but really, stop being stupid and selfish. Your lover won't commit suicide...he'll move on to some other slut who's stupid enough to fall for his "charm". You think you are special? If you were that special, you would have left your husband so you could have your side dish all the time. This whole game is ridiculous. Make your mind up sweetie...it's not that difficult.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Why Men Cheat: Selfishness

Photographer: Darren Robertson
Beside the fact that my husband has bipolar disorder, I believe his actions were also based on his selfishness. He has always been selfish, it's inherited from his mother. However, he's taken selfishness to a whole new level when he decided to have an affair.

He says that the affair had nothing to do with me (which I don't entirely believe). He says that he wasn't thinking about hurting me, he was just doing what felt good. Oh so when you decided to text, email, call and meet her, you didn't think about me and how I would feel if I found out? What an ass.

All he did was think about how he felt and what he wanted. He wanted to escape from the reality of life and death. He wanted to be in never never land with someone who didn't truly care about him nor the life he created with other people (his wife and kids). All he wanted to do was sit by the pool, drink with someone, not have to deal with the responsibilities of parenthood and then have sex and nap whenever he wanted to because he didn't have to wait for the kids to go to sleep.

Life is hard and we all wish we could escape it once and a while. However, we can't. We have to learn to deal with the crap that enters our lives, not run away from it. My husband has run away from everything that has been painful in his life, the problem in this situation is that him running away didn't only affect him, it affected all of us.

True or False: Cheating Husband's Words

Photographer: jscreationzs
I wonder if my cheating husband really means what he says. I can't stand that he tells me the same things that he said to his slut.

Just this morning, I was telling him that I didn't sleep well. He replies that he doesn't sleep well without me laying next to him. Yeah okay, he said that about 100 times in email to the mistress. Glad you were sleeping next to me every night but yet telling someone else that you can't sleep because you aren't sleeping with her. It's all fake too because he slept just fine. 

So how true are the things that my cheating husband is saying to me? And where does it stop? Does he truly love me for me or are there ulterior motives? If he can say things like that to me and her then how do I know what to believe anymore. I hate him for what he did to me and ruining my security in his words. I used to take his words as truth and now it's all speculation. Ugh...him and his affair.

Update: My husband is two for two this morning. I chose to be the better person and ignore the comment. I am having a good hair day so I snapped a picture and sent it to him. Dont worry, total innocent picture of my face. Well, he responds nicely with that I am gorgeous etc. Then he took it one step too far...he texted, "Yummy!" Yeah, exactly the same thing he said to HER of a picture she sent of her all dolled up to go to the bar.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Trusting Your Cheating Husband

Photographer: jscreationzs
Trust is one of the biggest obstacles when recovering from infidelity. It's one of the factors that could make or break the marriage completely. Without trust, you won't have that deep emotional connection that healthy relationships need to survive.

I've been thinking a lot about trust lately and came to the conclusion that I don't trust my cheating husband. Of course, how could I? He cheated on me. However, my level of mistrust is so low that I don't believe that I will be able to rebuild it. That doesn't mean I am ready to pack up and walk out the door. It means that I am starting to look at things differently.

I had a discussion with cheater that didn't make him very happy. Basically, I said that if he wants to really be with me, he will be with me. If he wants to be with someone else, he can go off and be with someone else. I can't live life in the constant fear that I will be cheated on again. I won't allow myself to trust him again, because that is when feelings get wrapped up in it and you start to feel as though you have to tie him down so he won't run away.

The truth is that no matter what you do, if a husband or boyfriend wants to cheat, he will. These are choices he makes and the repercussions are whatever you make them. You can either stay with him or leave him ... THAT choice is yours and only yours.

Cheating Revenge Video: Throwing Your Husband's Stuff All Over the Road

I had to laugh at this because you can feel the fury going on inside of her. If you've ever been cheated on, then you know what she is feeling and why she appears to be insane. This is exactly what I felt like when I found out but I didn't actually do it.

Oh and in case you are wondering, that guy in the suit isn't her husband, it's some random guy who is looking for free stuff. You gotta love it!

Cheating Revenge: Post a Cheating Husband Sign

If you're looking for a way to ruin your cheating husband's reputation, putting up a huge sign in your yard may do the trick.

From Hilarious Pictures

Just remember, if you do this, you are also telling all your neighbors and passer byers that you've been cheated on and you may not want that much exposure for yourself. Just a thought.

I Didn't Cheat On My Wife

My good friend got married this weekend. I was a bridesmaid and my daughter was the flower girl. It wasn't something that I could simply say, "I can't make it." It was a hard weekend facing everyone who knows what my cheating husband did to me. Not only that, I was surrounded by the promises of fidelity, faithfulness and through sickness and health, for richer or poorer, through good times and bad.

At the rehearsal dinner, the priest stood up front to bless the meal. He told a story that sent me raging. Here is the story:

Photographer: Francesco Marino
A man dies and is at the gates of heaven. God says, "You need 100 points to get into heaven.  What have you done to warrant you 100 points." The guy tells God that he has been married 53 years. God says that he gets two points for that. The guy then says proudly, "I have never cheated on my wife nor in my heart." God exclaims that he also gets two points. The guy seems perplexed and says that he served his wife breakfast in bed at least once a week. God says he gets one point for that. He then says that he gave his wife a bath at least twice a week. God says that he also gets one point for that. The guy wonders how he will ever get into Heaven. He then said, "I have always held my faith in God." God lets him in.

My cheating husband will never be able to say that he never cheated on his wife. How ridiculous is that? The one thing you should never do in marriage, and he does it. What a fool. While he is repenting and trying to make up for his "mistakes", the fact is that he did it. You can't go back and undo what has been done. Sure, you can live life as a better person, but in my eyes, you will always have that sin as part of you.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The Universe Won't Give Me an Infidelity Break

Photo: rockinfree
After having to endure a whole weekend of two people celebrating their love for one another in a wedding, I have to continue to be reminded how my husband sucks.

As I was on a pretty vigorous session on the elliptical, I had to watch one of the three TVs because I couldn't listen to Pandora due to my phone being dead. All of a sudden, I felt like someone just threw bleach at my face. A commercial of the inn and suites where I finally found out the truth came on. Not only was it just the name of the hotel, it showed the front desk. The same front desk I stood at and begged the receptionist to let me into his room, while he was out with HER. Then it showed the room, the same room I saw his clothes all over the floor and her hat on the nightstand and bag with bikini and cigarettes hanging out on the floor. I looked away at that point because I could feel my blood pressure and pulse rise.

You would of thought that after seeing that it would have been enough of a trigger to send me flying off the elliptical into a raging phone call to the stupid husband figure. But no, I stood strong. Then, all of a sudden, the commercial played again on the other TV. All I could think was, "Are you kidding me?". This time I saw the pool that he dropped his phone into because he was drinking by it...with or without her. He says he was alone, I beg to differ. In any case, I saw the commercial one more time after that one and thankfully it wasn't long after that I was done with my workout.

Honestly, I think I took out my rage on the elliptical, all of a sudden I was going faster and today, I am sore. Rage needs to be released and I found the way that was most available at the time...

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Blind Gossip About Cheating Husband

Photographer: Filomena Scalise
My cheating husband today received a call from his mom asking if I had told anyone else about his infidelity. Apparently, one of his aunts, who still has no idea (and is the only one doesn't know) is starting to ask questions. I will honestly tell you that I did not say a word to anyone..remember, I am hiding from criticizers right now. So that means, I hide from EVERYONE.

It's interesting how months after this came out people are still wondering what is going on with us. We live thousands of miles away and we still send out a vibe of, "Oh no, something REALLY horrible has happened."

People will always gossip. In this case, it's blind gossip. They haven't seen anything or even heard the whole story but they still talk. I guess it's hoping that someone will crack, and knowing my husband's family, someone will.

I could tell that this bothered my unfaithful husband quite a bit. That is fine with me. Whatever backlash and shame he gets out of this mess HE put us all in is well deserved. He really should have thought about how many people would find out and what they would think of him way before  he decided to have slut sex. What an idiot...

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Societal Scrutiny Over Demi and Ashton Bumping Up Affection After Affair Allegations

Photographer: Francesco Marino

Okay, so we don't know for sure whether Ashton is Demi's cheating husband but most rumors result from the truth. So let's just assume that Ashton is definitely a cheating husband. Recently, they have been spotted being very affection in the media spotlight. This is apparently a big deal because the media is covering it, such as in this article, Demi and Ashton: Still in love and stronger than ever in wake of cheating allegations.
I say, who cares! No one knows for sure what is really going on with them behind closed doors. This may be a whole big ploy and they may be planning a divorce any day now, OR they could really be recovering from infidelity and are trying to appreciate each other like maybe they have failed to do for the last few months or more.

Society always has to point fingers and make judgments about other people's lives. So Ashton had an affair and now they are trying to make it work or appear to be trying. If no one paid attention, no one would write about it. They would just say, "That's  nice." and keep on moving. Since most of society is shaking their head, calling Ashton a scumbag and wondering what Demi is thinking, the media is all over it. Let's all focus on our own lives and the shame we all have somewhere in it.

Check out my other post about Hiding from Criticizers After an Affair.

Wearing Wedding Rings After an Affair

Photographer: Salvatore Vuono
The night I found my husband in a hotel with his slut, I took my wedding and engagement rings off. I had never taken them off, even when they were strangling my finger because I was pregnant. Taking them off was symbolic for me, it meant the end of our marriage.

At that time, I was convinced that I was getting a divorce. There was no way I would stay with someone who would do something so horrible to me and our kids. Who does that? How disrespectful. He had no problem taking his wedding ring off to be with her...and to me, by taking his wedding ring off he was breaking his commitment to me and our marriage to each other.

Not having my wedding rings on really hurt him and he realized the real damage that he has done to us. How he didn't see that while he was with her is beyond my comprehension...selfishness along with mental illness I suppose (but that's for another post).

I won't put those rings on again. As we work to repair our marriage, I feel as though we are creating a new relationship and in time, a new marriage. The one we had before is dead. It's gone. Our wedding rings, which used to be a symbol of our love and commitment to each other, is now just a symbol of loss and betrayal...

Did you take or would you take your wedding rings off?

Monday, November 1, 2010

Cheating Revenge: Woman Drives Car Into Boyfriend's Apartment

Photo: ret0dd

LOL I have to laugh because I know that my rage over my husband's infidelity is bad but this woman's rage far exceeded mine. I may have thought about slashing the tires on his precious vehicle, smash his new PS3 or beat him down, but I never actually did it... Wow...my cheater sure is lucky he wasn't messing around with someone like this chick.

Gotta love the rage though...and she only suspected he was cheating. So her cheating revenge may not have even been justified...can't imagine what she would have done if she actually saw him in the act of cheating!

Cheating Revenge: Hope She Was Worth It


Photo courtesy of:  www.chromoz.com

Why Men Cheat

Photo: Now and Zen Photography
I just read an interesting article on the Opera Winfrey website about Why Men Cheat. A marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman conducted a study and discovered some of the reasons why men cheat on their wives. As I read it, I started to shake my head and agree with so many of the signs that a man is cheating or will cheat.

It's such a shame to read things like this because even though most of these types of articles say that it's not the wife's fault, it always makes me feel like I have done something wrong. My husband says that it wasn't me...and that it doesn't have to do with  me. However, I can't believe that. I understand our situation is different from someone else's but at the same time, I am not going to deny that our marriage was perfect. We fell into the common trap of taking care of the kids before taking care of each other. We grew distant...and the distance between us (due to military deployments) didn't help that along with one of the most devastating moments in my husband's life while he had to be away.

I did like the part where he says, "And here's the bottom line that a woman has to understand if you're going forward in this relationship and he's confessing and he's remorseful, and that is he was screwed up before. He made a mistake. He knows that. ... But right now he's saying, 'I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I really messed up." ...That is very comforting.