I Bought a Car with a Cheater

Okay, well, I went ahead and did it. I found a vehicle I really liked and we bought it. I wasn't as nervous as I thought I would have been when agreeing to purchase it. I just kept saying that he better not leave me or be stupid again. I must have said it about 20 times. We'll see what happens...

It's nice to have something that is really for me because I chose it. It was also nice to see how happy my husband was to buy ME something. After we closed the deal, he went out to the store to buy me all the stuff I need to keep it clean and looking new. We bought new car seats for the kids and everything. It's so awesome.

I did say that it felt like we just made a commitment to each other ...so in a way, it was like taking a step forward. I wouldn't have done this months ago...so it must mean something that I was at least willing to enter into this. I just hope it doesn't come back and bite me in the butt someday.

Buying a Car with a Cheater

I've had a Toyota Corolla for 8 years and have a 2 and 5 year old. It's not exactly a family car because it's small. It works though so that's why I haven't had to get a larger vehicle. However, it's gotten to the point that I am little embarrassed when I go places because it's older and most moms have a mini-van or SUV.

My husband has always done what he wants with vehicles. He has a lifted off-roading dream Jeep, he's had a Infiniti, a pickup truck, and two motorcycles. I'm not one for vehicles so he's picked up the slack on that.

Anyway, we've been talking about getting me a family car for well over a year. Even while he was having the affair. But once I caught him and almost divorced, we definitely put those plans to rest for a while.

The past few months we've started talking about it and saving again for something for me. This week I got the itch to finally buy something. We went to see a Ford Flex but the guy would not budge on the price and it was just ridiculous. Then we stopped at another dealership and there is a Lincoln Navigator (used) for sale. My husband, of course, falls in love. It does have everything we were looking for in a SUV...but it's not exactly a mom-mobile. I think more Ghetto-mobile (no offense to those offended by the word ghetto)...All I can think of is "BIG PIMPIN" Not little white girl...

But the price is really good and it's condition is really good. It really is a smart purchase EXCEPT... when it comes time to buy...MANY thoughts run  through my mind... what if he decides to be stupid again? Can I afford this vehicle? Will he run off with it? Why am I entering into this agreement to buy a car when it hasn't been a year since he had a slut as a girlfriend? Is this really a smart move?

When I told my cheater husband that I didn't think I wanted to get it ...he became so upset. Oh I am so sorry honey...you cheated on me, now I can't trust you, and I won't do everything you want anymore. You sure did screw shit up huh? Ugh... He was ranting and raving about how good he has been and how he has shown how much he loves me...and he would do anything for me...and he is so sorry...and he wants to give up because he doesn't know what else to do blah blah blah... You know what I say to that? SHUT UP! You cheating bastard... I am scared to death you will leave me in ruins because you'll decide it's a good idea to have some slut as a "friend" again. And by the way, who is this vehicle for? Me or YOU?

I told him that he is unsupportive and he said I was hateful...ummm....how is that being hateful? Being supportive would have been putting an arm around me and saying, "I know... I really messed up...we will wait until you feel more comfortable getting a car with me." NOT..."WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO DO - NOT GET A NEW CAR? AND WHEN IN THE WORLD WILL I EVER GET A NEW VEHICLE". Oh so that's what it is...you know you can't get a new vehicle, until I do... LOL... I guess that's just more motivation  to put things off.

One year ago, my husband was telling me he was sick to his stomach and sent me and the kids to play mini-golf while we were vacationing in Myrtle Beach. While I was playing with the kids, he was meeting his slut for a car quickie.... Yeah, I think I will keep my paid off vehicle for a little while longer. JERK.

What would you do?

Holding Onto the Known Until I Trust the Unknown

There are just things in life you will never know for sure. You just have to trust that they are true. When dealing with Infidelity, I think this is just another difficult factor in a broken relationship to repair.

What I know is true:

• I know that my husband did not leave me for the affair girl.
• My husband has changed a lot of his ways.
• My husband has started counseling.
• He has started taking medication and has continued for the last four months.
• He has showed me much more attention as well as the kids.
• Is still here after all the ugly things I have said to him. 

What I have to learn to trust:

• That when he says that he loves me that it is true.
• That he won't ever cheat on me again.
• That he doesn't long for his slut. 
• That he has no communication with her.
• That he won't change his new ways and revert back to inattentive and lazy husband.
• That he isn't lying to me anymore.
• That he won't ever betray me again (cheating and otherwise). 

While the things that I have to learn to trust in are some of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship, at least I can begin to grasp what I know I have and what I have to strive for. 

Defining Love After an Affair

I've always had a romanticized view of what love is because I never really experienced while growing up. My parents aren't affectionate or emotional beings. They view love as taking care of your kids until they are old enough to fend for themselves and then their job is done. I always thought that love was when you like being with someone so much that you would rather be with the person than not be with him, that you would do whatever it takes to make that person happy and happy with you. I also thought that love was someone feeling and doing the same to me. With that love comes affection and comfort from life's harsh realities.

However, since the affair, I really have no clue what love is because I thought I was doing everything I needed to do to ensure love in our relationship. My husband wasn't, but I was able to deal with that. As long as I knew that he knew I loved him and that he appreciated what I did for him, I thought that it was okay. Until I found out that he truly didn't appreciate or care what I did for him.

I asked a question I already knew the answer to the other night to my husband. I asked, "Didn't you ever talk to her about how much you missed me and the kids?" Since he said they talked about everything because he was so depressed about his dad dying. At first he said no, but then tried to backtrack when he could tell that my heart blew up into a million pieces. He then said that he talked about me with his friends while she was standing right next to them. That's not what I call talking to her about how upset he was about being away from me and the kids.

Not talking to her about me shows that he really didn't hold me in his heart and as closely as I had thought he did. He always told me that she manipulated him into loving her. However, if he never talked about me, showed her how much he cares for me, and didn't wear his ring around her, that makes me think that she was thinking he wasn't that attached to me, which meant a very easy way in...

Through all our marriage difficulties, I never let go of my husband. I always held him as my husband and respected him as that. If I ever talked to a guy, I would talk about my husband. It was clear that I was attached and loved him.

So did he lose his love for me during that time? Did he forget what love was? What is love anyway? Everyone who has ever loved me has treated me badly or hasn't treated me the way I define it. I have thousands of emails where he tells her that he loves her but now he says that he didn't and it was all bullshit. Okay, so how do I know he loves me? His actions surely don't show that he did or does? What do I believe, especially when my trust for him has been completely broken?

The Death of a Marriage After an Affair

I once heard someone say that you never really accept that someone you love has died. Instead, you learn to live without the person. I think that a marriage after an affair is very similar to this...again, because the marriage was killed by the infidelity.

I really don't think I'll ever be able to accept that my husband cheated on me. I don't even know if I can go there in my mind. It's just so painful and I'm already in so much pain. However, as time goes on, I see myself learning to live with this history. I'll most likely carry it around with me like a battle wound of some sort.

Extreme trauma can change you forever and influence choices you make in the future. I may never be able to see my husband as the man I married. However, I may see him as my husband, the father of my children and someone who has hurt me so incredibly bad. It may be a defense mechanism in that as long as I keep him as "the cheater" in my mind, I will always be careful not to get too sure of him. I guess that's the same as not truly ever being able to trust him again....

Trusting Your Cheating Husband

Photographer: jscreationzs

Trust is one of the biggest obstacles when recovering from infidelity. It's one of the factors that could make or break the marriage completely. Without trust, you won't have that deep emotional connection that healthy relationships need to survive.

I've been thinking a lot about trust lately and came to the conclusion that I don't trust my cheating husband. Of course, how could I? He cheated on me. However, my level of mistrust is so low that I don't believe that I will be able to rebuild it. That doesn't mean I am ready to pack up and walk out the door. It means that I am starting to look at things differently.

I had a discussion with cheater that didn't make him very happy. Basically, I said that if he wants to really be with me, he will be with me. If he wants to be with someone else, he can go off and be with someone else. I can't live life in the constant fear that I will be cheated on again. I won't allow myself to trust him again, because that is when feelings get wrapped up in it and you start to feel as though you have to tie him down so he won't run away.

The truth is that no matter what you do, if a husband or boyfriend wants to cheat, he will. These are choices he makes and the repercussions are whatever you make them. You can either stay with him or leave him ... THAT choice is yours and only yours.