Monday, July 25, 2011

How Therapy Helps Us

Yesterday we went to the beach as a family. Of course, the whole time I was ridden with thoughts of my husband with his slut at the beach last summer. I *love* thinking about them frolicking in the water and on the sand...let me tell you. The anxiety was too great as we got in the car to head back to the hotel.

 I told him how I was feeling and how I wondered if I will ever be able to do anything without thinking about them two. Immediately, my husband put his defenses up. He became offended but I remembered what Dr. S told me, that this is the guilt that is talking to me. He doesn't want to hear it because it raises a lot of guilt inside of him. So I told him  to take a step back and realize that this is about me. He calmed down but anytime I said anything, he would start to get defensive again. We did the let's calm down a few times. He talked about how he is really trying to do what Dr. S is teaching him but it's really hard for him because he is still working on it (applauds) and I told him that I just want comfort. I don't want him to solve anything because there is nothing that can be solved here. It is what it is... what happened last year cannot be erased. All I need is the comfort of hearing, "I know how much this has hurt you...I am so sorry...I wish I could take it away...I really do". He tried to say the words, but they weren't grounded.

Dr. S and I spoke about how he has still not faced the affair. He tries to run from it as much as possible, which is why he becomes so angry when I bring it up. He wants me to feel better and he wants to help me with it, but at the same time, it hurts him too bad to see me in so much pain.

I must say that just being able to work  through these times with him does make me feel closer to him. Being able to use the things we have learned in therapy is pretty great. I am so glad he decided to go back and I hope he continues for as long as it takes to heal him. Because I think his healing will in turn help my healing as well.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Therapy Tomorrow...

I have my therapy appointment tomorrow. I was going to write down what I wanted to work on but as I sit here with a blank page in front of me, I am at a loss of what exactly I want to work on. Probably because I don't really have anything I am struggling with right now.

Thank God, I do have some good coping skills. I am not perfect and I do blow up at times, but I am rather good at figuring out what it is that really bothers me in a situation and then doing something to take care of it.

Michael wants me to discuss how I can rebuild trust in him. He wants that so bad and well, I don't really feel compelled to rush that along. I mean, I know that it's going to take a long long time for trust to seep back into the relationship, so I don't really think I need to "work at it". I think trust comes with time and with trial. I bought a new car with him, right? SO it's a start...

He also says that I need to deal with my habit of always referring to the past. Now, see, he thinks the past is last week. What he did wrong last week, shouldn't be brought up today. Nor should yesterday be brought up today because he is not doing what he was doing yesterday today. Huh? Yeah, I know. Oh he just hates that he is a cheater and that he has treated me so badly these past oh 7 years. Honestly, I just need him to suck it up and really swallow how horrible he was as a husband - because maybe then I would start to feel less compelled to throw it in his face.

You know what I really want - I want to stop feeling like I have to take care of him. You know, all throughout the time that his grandfather was dying, I desperately tried to take care of him and be there for him. I worried day and night and I just wanted him to be home with me so I could take care of him. I sent him emails, I went and visited his grandparents, I begged him to come home ... I followed him around like a puppy dog and did everything for him. Only to be slapped in the face over and over again. Told that I was useless and not good enough...

And now...still... whenever I know something is wrong with him, he continues to tell me he is fine and that he doesn't need help and that he is some different person now. ONLY to find out a couple weeks later that I was right when he finally admits he really wasn't doing well.

You know, I am just over all of this. I take care of two children and I am just about fed up taking care of a grown up. Of course, I would be there for him if something tragic happens or if he really needed me but I am just done worrying about how he is before something bad happens - I am done foretelling the future. Done looking at him and thinking, "uh oh he's not doing well, how can i save him?" Because as we all can see, I can't save him. He makes his own decisions on how he wants to handle his emotional pain...

It's time that I start to look at myself and see what lies ahead for me rather than what lies ahead for him. I need to learn to pay more attention to myself and just be available when someone else needs me. Instead of looking outward all the time, it's time to look inward. See the problem with the whole affair is that instead of looking inward - I kept looking outward - analyzing everything around me... instead of analyzing me and the great pain I was in. I knew I was in pain...But I kept trying to solve my pain by solving his pain. The only problem is that his pain was fueling my pain and I didn't know how to stop his...

I have no clue how to do this though... I am not a selfish person ...and I always think of other people before myself. But maybe the reason why I don't think of myself first is because it hurts too much to deal with myself ...and I derive pleasure from cultivating the pleasure of others. Hhhmmm...It's like I can't make myself happy unless I am making someone else happy. But what else makes ME happy? Only me happy? Honestly, my work makes me happy...going back to school would make ME happy. It's really all that has ever made ME happy. It's funny because going to school used to be about my parents and making them happy (probably where all of this originated from) but now, it's really what I enjoy. I love learning...and exploring myself. I need to explore myself to find out what makes me happy - and what I need to do to make me happy.....

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

To all the broken hearts....

Tonight I spent some time browsing different blogs about people in my situation and my heart is so full of sadness for all the people that have gone through what I have gone through and who are going through what I going through. Everyone's situation is a bit different but we all have the same rage, sadness and fear. We all wonder, "What the hell happened?"

If only we could all be in a room together to see the pain we all feel so that we all know we are normal. To know that what our husband's did to us is as bad as we feel that it is. To know that even though a lot of us are broken...we are still strong enough to hold our head up high to find out what lead to the affair and try to put our families back together.

To all the women out there with broken hearts...I commend you. I say keep it up...we've come up from the wreckage and we are re-building. We know who we are...we know who our husbands are... and we know what we need to do and not for everyone else but for ourselves.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Counseling Back ON...for now.

My husband has a tendency to haggle me when he knows something bothers me so we had...DING DING DING...Round TWO this morning. I told him that he said he would never disappoint me again but he just did with his plans to quit therapy.

He then said he never said he wouldn't go back. That's just false. But he said he didn't mean to say it and that he is planning to go back. Of course, it's just his way of saying, okay so I couldn't get away with it so I will say that I never meant to never go again.

Tears were shed, hugs were given and all is right in the world again...for now.

Living Life Waiting for the Storm

My husband tried to make up to me last night by washing my car for me. Then he came and hugged and kissed me. He said he was sorry but didn't say he was going to counseling. I told him that I am still upset with him ...but it's more of disappointment. I never really got my hopes up about him going to counseling because I know him...but this just confirmed my thoughts.

So now I feel like I am just waiting for the storm to hit. I know how he becomes when he is under stress. He did not learn effective coping skills like he should have in counseling...when we were going to marriage counseling the counselor continued to say he was a work in progress. However, now  that he has decided not to go, that work in progress will never end and I am the one that is going to deal with the repercussions.

I used to fear the time when his grandfather would pass away. Rightfully so, as we all have seen what has happened. Now, I fear the passing of his grandmother. His grandmother is his biggest fan and is the one that has created this gold standard for him. When she passes, he won't have that back up anymore and I believe he will fall again. I know he will fall again. No one ever believes what I say (learned that from experience) but it always come out that I am right when it comes to these things.

So here is the problem though. He has cracked me so incredibly bad and even though I know I am strong...I am also at a breaking point. Even if she doesn't pass for a few more years, I think the affair will continue on with me forever and will push me over the edge when he does whatever he does to cope with his grandmother's passing. I can't take the abuse from him again. I won't take it again.

All I can do is live life waiting for the storm... and only hope that I am wrong.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Not going to counseling anymore...WHAT?!

So I woke up this morning in a pretty good mood. The kids were being good, I had the cleaning itch and was able to get it all done with some assistance from the cheater after he woke up around 9:30.

We decided to go out for lunch and as we were driving there, the cheater says this:

Cheater: Dr. S (our individual/marriage counselor) must wonder what happened to us.
Me: Yeah, I know.
Cheater: He did a good job with us.
Me: Huh? Are you not going anymore?
Cheater: Well, I don't need you think I need to?
Me: Yes.
Cheater: I don't see us having any time to go. Why do you think we need to go?
Me: Because you haven't even started to work on issues.
Cheater: What do you mean by that? What do you mean I have issues... You just offended me.
Me: Oh boy...

And off went the races... Apparently, I am the mean one here. I ended up having him take me home because we were getting nowhere and it pissed him off even more when I said, "You know what? It's your have your choice and I have mine. Always remember I have a choice."

My husband was cheating on my a year ago...and he thinks he is fine. He hasn't worked through shit in counseling because he keeps having to leave on the boat. So the therapist can't get down to anything plus the fact that he is closed up with a steal trap door.

I know where this will go...He has already started to slow down on his let me make it up to my wife thing and he has even started yelling at me again. Yep, it's all coming I knew it would.

He can't stand for anyone to tell him that he needs help. His almightyness that has been instilled in him does not allow him to hear otherwise....His coping skills are still horrible so someday if he decides to cheat or do some other stupid thing, well that's his choice...and I will have mine.

You know he said he would never disappoint me again...but he just did.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Family Thoughts on the Affair

My husband spoke to his grandmother yesterday, at which time, she told him that she spoke to her daughter (husband's aunt) and she said that she thought we should get a divorce. She knows everything husband did or at least the gist of it.
My husband was upset over her reaction as was his grandmother who is the biggest reinforcer of his golden childness. Heaven forbid anyone ever say anything negative about her darling grandson…
But anyway, I told him that this was not surprising and is the exact reason why I had cut myself off from people. If I were in someone else's shoes, I would too think we should get a divorce. He cheated on me…had a girlfriend…why wouldn't his wife leave him? People in different situations don't understand why we are trying to work this out and it is what it is.
Why is it that my explanation made my husband upset? Oh because it doesn't go along with his all goodness he has going for him. Honestly, this whole, I am being such a great husband and person now is really starting to affect me. You did a bad thing and you shouldn't be proud of the consequences of that bad thing.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

The Wonder of Internal Protection

My husband arrived shortly after my discovery of the reason why I have had so much trouble sleeping the last few nights. See my last post. I wasn't doing well. I could tell I was being pulled into the past..into last year. My husband, of course, was so excited to see me and it took everything for me to get a smile out. Finally, I just told him that I couldn't do this and that I wasn't doing well. He was put off by it and said, "I understand you don't want to be around me right now." But that wasn't it, I did want to be around him. I couldn't deal with this on my own. He ended up holding me as I cried like a little baby saying how I don't know how I got through last year…I just don't know. I must have been someone else, that was the only way I did it. That I couldn't go through the same thing again…I just couldn't. He comforted me and then I had a realization.
It's interesting how I realized what I have been internally upset about all week right before he got home. Almost as if my subconscious was protecting me… it wouldn't let me see what I was struggling with until I had someone who could take care of me. It knew that the pain would I bear would be too much on my own. Maybe it also wanted to show me that even though my husband was the one person who couldn't console me before…may be the one person that I really need now. Is it possible that the one person who hurt me so much be the one person who can heal me?

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The Approach of D-Day Anniversary

While I am not thinking about the affair as much as I used to and I'm not feeling the rage and sadness I once felt, I have a feeling my subconscious is working through it by itself. I suffer from Restless Leg Syndrome - I have had it all of my life but they get bad during stress and pregnancy. Well, for the past three nights I've only slept three hours each night. They are so crazy!

Sometimes, I will fall asleep and all of a sudden I will wake up. I'm left with this eery feeling of something like I had just had a dream that I can't remember. So then I started to think, what if this is all coming from the dum dum dum "anniversary".

This time last year, I was on the verge of divorce because my husband was crazy telling me that he didn't know if he wanted to be with me and the kids anymore. I broke out of a contract for a house we were going to buy because of that. <Now, that I am writing this, I realize that that is what is going on inside me because yes, this was the time> We were on the fence if we should even get a place to live together because I flat out said I would not buy a house with him with our relationship this rocky.

He went off on the boat (he's in the military) for a week and while he was away I asked him what we were going to do "Was I looking for a house for me and the kids or looking for a house for me, him and the kids" and he said for all of us. Now, remember, I have been struggling for months at this point, having a gut feeling he was still seeing her but couldn't prove it because we were in the middle of moving across states.

You know what? If you're a regular reader, come back, because I will tell you what happens each week last year on my blog. This is it - this is the end of the road last year when I was approaching the truth. It's a nightmare that came true and looking back now... it sends shivers down my spine - my life... how could have gotten so out of control? How could the man who was supposed to take care of me and our kids, support us and never hurt us, leave us in such a horrible situation. No where to live... no where to go... all because of him....and here I am waiting for him to come home tonight after being away on the boat for a week... I simply can't believe that I am still here...I really can't.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Women Who Cheat

So I am making a little change in my topic of blogging today because I am on a rant lately on women who cheat. What the  hell is wrong with women who cheat? Honestly. What is wrong with you?

We all know that men are stupid and think with their penis' sometimes but women - have you lost your minds? Apparently. If you have a husband who hasn't cheated on you - then you should appreciate that. If you can't stand him for some other reasons, well, then deal with that. Bring it up - go to marriage counseling - tell him you are done and want a divorce. Anything but start sleeping with a male slut. It makes you trashy...really.

Then there are the women who cheat who have children. Okay, really? What is wrong with you? You have children and this is the role model you want to be to them? You want to show them it's okay to be mommy by day and slut by night? Classy...really classy.

You know, I am not perfect - who is? But I sure as hell wouldn't be slutting myself around at the expense of my family.

If you're reading this and you're a woman who cheats - grow up! You aren't in high school's not all about good times and wild hairs up your ass. It's about time to be an adult and appreciate a normal life full of real love. Yeah, that's right, that gem you're banging ain't in love with your ass (well....he may be in love with your ass...but that would be about it). If he was in love with YOU, he would have enough respect to tell you to leave your husband before laying down with him. Your male slut is just as trashy and classy as you... what a perfect pair. HA.

I know what you are thinking, "You don't husband doesn't love me...he ignores me...I need more out of life." Look, life isn't easy...sometimes we have to make difficult decisions. If you can't deal with your husband, no matter what, it's time to end the marriage. If you have kids, yes, it will be hard on them but how hard will it be on them when someone finds out you are an adulterer. Don't think they will find out? Fine..go ahead and keep doing what you're doing...don't say I didn't warn you.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

My Bitterness About the Affair

Yesterday, I received an email from one of my readers. It struck a chord in me so I wanted to respond here in the blog. She gave me some suggestions for great cheating songs, a site on recovery, and then said this:

Lastly, you seem extremely bitter which is very understandable. In the long term, you will need to make peace and the marriage a place your husband wants to be or he will be gone. 

I know that when you come to this blog, you see my rage and "bitterness". However, this is an Infidelity Rage blog so I am not going to discuss how great my marriage is now compared to the way it was before. This is my safe place to come to vent my raw feelings. 

Some people overgeneralize and believe that seeing one part of something means it's the whole of something and in this case, it is not that way. I am not always "bitter" or full of rage. Normally, I am one happy person. Or I wouldn't be able to live with myself never mind my husband living with me. 

I wonder what the situation is for this person who wrote this because while I believe I shouldn't be downright cruel to my cheating husband, I don't think I should bow down to him and make life peaceful for him just so he doesn't leave me. Like I have said before, this is a process that I (and no one else) has to go through at my own pace. One day, I may get to that peaceful place where I never get upset or maybe I won't. If I don't, then that is a consequence of his actions and he has the freedom to do whatever he would like...and so do I (always keep that in mind).

I love my husband and I think my husband loves me. We are working together on this and we hope to come out of this storm stronger. In the process though, there will be lightening and thunder because that's what a storm is. People who choose to bow down and cover up their feelings don't ever truly let go of what has happened and they carry it in their subconscious forever...

Friday, July 8, 2011

Affair Nightmare Continues

Just as I think I am getting better, memories get stirred up to remind me that I am not healed yet and I still have a long way to go.

I agreed to do a story on cheating by reviewing a book that discusses what you should look for when you suspect your partner is cheating, what to do after you find out and how to move on from it. I read the entire book tonight. The whole book was like taking a trip back to everything I've been through ...even the moving on part. I can't believe my life is an entire infidelity book...

I can't sleep now (it's almost 1:30 AM) from just thinking about everything I went through when I knew he was cheating on me. I read that there is a program you can install on a computer that tracks keystrokes so you can see what someone is doing on a computer - oh why didn't I know about that then. ...Or maybe it wasn't meant for me to know then. I believe everything happens for a reason...maybe if I had found out anytime sooner, I wouldn't be where I am today.

It just makes me so sad looking back at how he treated me through the whole ordeal. I wish I hadn't allowed him to treat me and the kids so badly for so long.

I think about his relationship with his slut and how they must have been so loving to one another. How can you say that it meant nothing? And why is that every man who cheats says that? Kinda makes you wonder how real it is... Or when I read that cheaters usually grovel back and beg you not to leave - how genuine is it if every one does it?

Some days I want to believe that he really does love me but there's always that "but why..." It's really is...I'm sure the slut really thought that he was going to leave me for her. I am sure that he thought the same at times...which crushes me. I hate this nightmare... I want to wake up.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

I Bought a Car with a Cheater

Okay, well, I went ahead and did it. I found a vehicle I really liked and we bought it. I wasn't as nervous as I thought I would have been when agreeing to purchase it. I just kept saying that he better not leave me or be stupid again. I must have said it about 20 times. We'll see what happens...

It's nice to have something that is really for me because I chose it. It was also nice to see how happy my husband was to buy ME something. After we closed the deal, he went out to the store to buy me all the stuff I need to keep it clean and looking new. We bought new car seats for the kids and everything. It's so awesome.

I did say that it felt like we just made a commitment to each other in a way, it was like taking a step forward. I wouldn't have done this months it must mean something that I was at least willing to enter into this. I just hope it doesn't come back and bite me in the butt someday.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Cheaters Entertainment

I used to LOVE watching the show Cheaters. However, once my life became a classic episode in it, I haven't had much need to watch it. BUT...I decided to watch a little on YouTube and I may just have to start up again...this one clip made me laugh so hard. LOL... Sometimes in the rage and sadness, you have to find a little humor to get you through! Sorry: sorry for the cussing...

Monday, July 4, 2011

10 Things You Want from Me

My husband and I love hard and fight hard. I've been under a lot of stress trying to decide on this whole car situation (update: I found an Expedition that I love...but I am riddled with fear that if I get it...what if he decides to cheat again sometime in the near future?...anyway) and well, I blew up because I felt like he wasn't pulling his weight around the house as he said he was going to be doing.

As he's telling me that he is so much different now and that I am crazy to think he doesn't do anything (never said he didn't do anything... just not enough), he tells me that I could be doing more too. So I invite him to share exactly what he would like me to do because he never tells me what he would like from ME...this is an ongoing issue in our marriage.

Instead of telling me what he would like from me, he proceeds to tell me that I don't handle criticism well and that is why he never brings up issues he has with me. HUH? Well, how do you know if in the eight years we've been married, you haven't? put my counseling skills into action, I told him to write down ten things that he would like from me. I wouldn't refute them and I wouldn't take offense. I just want them written down and if they are reasonable, I will do them.

He had the hardest time coming up with 6 and the first one isn't even one - I want you to follow through. Here are the other 5.

Don't bring up the past about his anger.
Stop not caring what he has to say.
Tell him what is the matter and how he can help me (better communication).
Get back compassion.
Don't say I am leaving.

I was looking more for THINGS to do not things I shouldn't say or feel. But whatever, it's fine. I will do's easy enough to hide feelings and not say certain things.

He did say that he can't stand when I say that this is how I am now and if he doesn't like it, he can just leave. But I told him I won't bend on that. I am going through a  process and I will go through this process at my own speed and if he really doesn't like it, he is welcomed to go. If he stays, good, but I will go through the process with or without him.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Buying a Car with a Cheater

I've had a Toyota Corolla for 8 years and have a 2 and 5 year old. It's not exactly a family car because it's small. It works though so that's why I haven't had to get a larger vehicle. However, it's gotten to the point that I am little embarrassed when I go places because it's older and most moms have a mini-van or SUV.

My husband has always done what he wants with vehicles. He has a lifted off-roading dream Jeep, he's had a Infiniti, a pickup truck, and two motorcycles. I'm not one for vehicles so he's picked up the slack on that.

Anyway, we've been talking about getting me a family car for well over a year. Even while he was having the affair. But once I caught him and almost divorced, we definitely put those plans to rest for a while.

The past few months we've started talking about it and saving again for something for me. This week I got the itch to finally buy something. We went to see a Ford Flex but the guy would not budge on the price and it was just ridiculous. Then we stopped at another dealership and there is a Lincoln Navigator (used) for sale. My husband, of course, falls in love. It does have everything we were looking for in a SUV...but it's not exactly a mom-mobile. I think more Ghetto-mobile (no offense to those offended by the word ghetto)...All I can think of is "BIG PIMPIN" Not little white girl...

But the price is really good and it's condition is really good. It really is a smart purchase EXCEPT... when it comes time to buy...MANY thoughts run  through my mind... what if he decides to be stupid again? Can I afford this vehicle? Will he run off with it? Why am I entering into this agreement to buy a car when it hasn't been a year since he had a slut as a girlfriend? Is this really a smart move?

When I told my cheater husband that I didn't think I wanted to get it ...he became so upset. Oh I am so sorry cheated on me, now I can't trust you, and I won't do everything you want anymore. You sure did screw shit up huh? Ugh... He was ranting and raving about how good he has been and how he has shown how much he loves me...and he would do anything for me...and he is so sorry...and he wants to give up because he doesn't know what else to do blah blah blah... You know what I say to that? SHUT UP! You cheating bastard... I am scared to death you will leave me in ruins because you'll decide it's a good idea to have some slut as a "friend" again. And by the way, who is this vehicle for? Me or YOU?

I told him that he is unsupportive and he said I was is that being hateful? Being supportive would have been putting an arm around me and saying, "I know... I really messed up...we will wait until you feel more comfortable getting a car with me." NOT..."WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO DO - NOT GET A NEW CAR? AND WHEN IN THE WORLD WILL I EVER GET A NEW VEHICLE". Oh so that's what it know you can't get a new vehicle, until I do... LOL... I guess that's just more motivation  to put things off.

One year ago, my husband was telling me he was sick to his stomach and sent me and the kids to play mini-golf while we were vacationing in Myrtle Beach. While I was playing with the kids, he was meeting his slut for a car quickie.... Yeah, I think I will keep my paid off vehicle for a little while longer. JERK.

What would you do?