Sunday, July 17, 2011

Living Life Waiting for the Storm

My husband tried to make up to me last night by washing my car for me. Then he came and hugged and kissed me. He said he was sorry but didn't say he was going to counseling. I told him that I am still upset with him ...but it's more of disappointment. I never really got my hopes up about him going to counseling because I know him...but this just confirmed my thoughts.

So now I feel like I am just waiting for the storm to hit. I know how he becomes when he is under stress. He did not learn effective coping skills like he should have in counseling...when we were going to marriage counseling the counselor continued to say he was a work in progress. However, now  that he has decided not to go, that work in progress will never end and I am the one that is going to deal with the repercussions.

I used to fear the time when his grandfather would pass away. Rightfully so, as we all have seen what has happened. Now, I fear the passing of his grandmother. His grandmother is his biggest fan and is the one that has created this gold standard for him. When she passes, he won't have that back up anymore and I believe he will fall again. I know he will fall again. No one ever believes what I say (learned that from experience) but it always come out that I am right when it comes to these things.

So here is the problem though. He has cracked me so incredibly bad and even though I know I am strong...I am also at a breaking point. Even if she doesn't pass for a few more years, I think the affair will continue on with me forever and will push me over the edge when he does whatever he does to cope with his grandmother's passing. I can't take the abuse from him again. I won't take it again.

All I can do is live life waiting for the storm... and only hope that I am wrong.

1 comment:

  1. That's no way to live! Being in constant anxiety is not fair to you. Perhaps you can continue counselling on your own and learn how to deal with your husbands issues. Often, if one spouse changes it forces the other to change as well. Dr.Michelle Weiner-Davis believes that it only takes one spouse to change a marriage for the better. I recommend checking out her books. Her theory that is if you stop your normal behaviour and start to do a complete 180, it forces your spouse to completely change their attitude/behaviour as well. I'm not sure if I explained that very well, but it makes more sense in her books.

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