Friday, May 31, 2013

We are moving...Moving on?

I can't believe it. Tomorrow the truck comes and all if our belongings are being sent to Virginia. Our time here is over. 

Three years ago, we moved here in midst of an affair. It wasn't until August that I was able to have the proof I needed, but this time three years ago, moving here was the worst.

While this move is going better, despite not being able to sell the house and having to live in a two bedroom apartment paying a mortgage and rent. I just keep telling myself, "It's better than last time." 

I am plagued by memories... Yesterday, my husband said he had to go check into work one last time and I broke down just thinking how that was his excuse last time just to go see her. 

I ended up crying, him holding me, and asking if I could go into work with him. His answer was, "Of course, why would I leave you here?" He of course doesn't remember leaving me so many times before to be with her.

He cried too yesterday... He says it hurts him to see me upset like this for what he did.

I'm leaving the house where I put my family back together. If these walls could talk, they would tell of all the cries, screams, sadness, triumphs, laughs, and joy we've had here. 

We are moving to Virginia. The place where my husband and I started. It's where we first lived together, got married, bought our first home and had our first child. He says its like we have come full circle. I think he's right. 

I'm not a big marriage advocate. I really don't believe in it anymore. I believe in relationships. I hate that people get wrapped up in the fantasy world of getting married when its anything but a fantasy. 

I still don't wear a ring... I don't know if I ever will again. My husband said our wedding picture in the frame gut cracked somehow in the attic. If that isn't symbolic, I don't know what is...

I'm happy with my decision. I am glad I didn't leave him. I would much rather be here than anywhere else. 

For anyone else just starting this journey.. I can't tell you it's easy. I can't tell you it won't hurt like hell. I can't even tell you it's worth it. All I can tell you is to do what you feel is right in your heart. Your mind has been polluted with society, but your heart speaks the truth. 

If your husband doesn't stay true to you after the affair, it's probably not going to work. If he does everything he says he will, and is scared to death you'll leave h, it's a good sign there is some hope. Even when you have no idea whether you should stay or go, just watch. Just step back from the reality of this nightmare and watch for he says and does. Don't react until you are absolutely sure on what you want to do. YOU want to do. Not your mom, dad, sister, brother, best friend, etc. they are not the ones that will live your life. You are the one that will live your life, so take care of yourself. 

I did what I thought was right. I don't know if he will ever cheat on me again. I know he isn't right now. As long as I hold on right now, I am happy. I will deal with whatever happens in the future when it happens. 

Oh, and one more thing. Don't deny yourself the anger, sadness, and rage you deserve from the pain inflicted on you. Because I went through the madness If infidelity, I believe I am in a much better place than if I had swept it under the rug. It's true what they say. You can't go around it, you have to go through it to get over it.