Dissociation from the Affair

I discovered that after the emotional upheaval of the D-Day anniversary, I am now dissociated from the affair. I don't feel emotionally connected to it. Whenever I try to get emotionally connected, I feel myself pull away.

My shrink explained that this is a time to process the events of the affairs (before, during and after) without the effects of emotions coming into play. It's an important part of my recovery. It's when I will be able to make some hard decisions for myself on how I will proceed.

 I came up with some interesting revelations in that session:

• In many ways, I don't forgive myself for allowing my husband to treat me and the kids the way he did for so long, especially during the affair.
• I often rely too much on making sure everyone else is happy and don't make sure I am happy, so what happens is that all of a sudden I am in a hole of unhappiness. 
• I don't know if I ever will be  able to forgive my husband and I learned that forgiveness doesn't lie with him. He can't do anything to make me forgive him....forgiveness comes within my healing. However, I don't know how to get to that point.

Therapy sure is helping me.... I just wish my husband would make it a priority as much as I have been making it mine.

Why did you stay?

Lately, I've been wondering what the exact reason is that I decided to stay with my cheating husband. Of course, I know I love him but is that enough? Is it a combination of love, attachment, and family? I don't know....or I am just confused. Maybe it is that but it doesn't make much sense after everything he did to me and the kids. I mean any other person would think I am crazy...I would think I am crazy if I weren't actually doing it....if that makes sense.

So I want to know why you decided to stay and work on it?

I told a wife her husband is cheating on her...

After renewing our friendship, my best friend told me about someone we both know who is having an affair with a married man. This person has been telling everyone about her escapades and some have told her how offensive her bragging is ...

As a victim of infidelity, my heart dropped for the wife of the man she is sleeping with...what is wrong with people?

So I came home from the trip and messaged the man's wife to tell her that her husband is having an affair and the person she is having it with.

Why? Because I feel it is my obligation now. I wish someone would have done the same for me... because then I wouldn't have gone through so many months of sheer hell.

How Therapy Helps Us

Yesterday we went to the beach as a family. Of course, the whole time I was ridden with thoughts of my husband with his slut at the beach last summer. I *love* thinking about them frolicking in the water and on the sand...let me tell you. The anxiety was too great as we got in the car to head back to the hotel.

 I told him how I was feeling and how I wondered if I will ever be able to do anything without thinking about them two. Immediately, my husband put his defenses up. He became offended but I remembered what Dr. S told me, that this is the guilt that is talking to me. He doesn't want to hear it because it raises a lot of guilt inside of him. So I told him  to take a step back and realize that this is about me. He calmed down but anytime I said anything, he would start to get defensive again. We did the let's calm down a few times. He talked about how he is really trying to do what Dr. S is teaching him but it's really hard for him because he is still working on it (applauds) and I told him that I just want comfort. I don't want him to solve anything because there is nothing that can be solved here. It is what it is... what happened last year cannot be erased. All I need is the comfort of hearing, "I know how much this has hurt you...I am so sorry...I wish I could take it away...I really do". He tried to say the words, but they weren't grounded.

Dr. S and I spoke about how he has still not faced the affair. He tries to run from it as much as possible, which is why he becomes so angry when I bring it up. He wants me to feel better and he wants to help me with it, but at the same time, it hurts him too bad to see me in so much pain.

I must say that just being able to work  through these times with him does make me feel closer to him. Being able to use the things we have learned in therapy is pretty great. I am so glad he decided to go back and I hope he continues for as long as it takes to heal him. Because I think his healing will in turn help my healing as well.

10 Things You Want from Me

My husband and I love hard and fight hard. I've been under a lot of stress trying to decide on this whole car situation (update: I found an Expedition that I love...but I am riddled with fear that if I get it...what if he decides to cheat again sometime in the near future?...anyway) and well, I blew up because I felt like he wasn't pulling his weight around the house as he said he was going to be doing.

As he's telling me that he is so much different now and that I am crazy to think he doesn't do anything (never said he didn't do anything... just not enough), he tells me that I could be doing more too. So I invite him to share exactly what he would like me to do because he never tells me what he would like from ME...this is an ongoing issue in our marriage.

Instead of telling me what he would like from me, he proceeds to tell me that I don't handle criticism well and that is why he never brings up issues he has with me. HUH? Well, how do you know if in the eight years we've been married, you haven't?

So...to put my counseling skills into action, I told him to write down ten things that he would like from me. I wouldn't refute them and I wouldn't take offense. I just want them written down and if they are reasonable, I will do them.

He had the hardest time coming up with 6 and the first one isn't even one - I want you to follow through. Here are the other 5.

Don't bring up the past about his anger.
Stop not caring what he has to say.
Tell him what is the matter and how he can help me (better communication).
Get back compassion.
Don't say I am leaving.

I was looking more for THINGS to do not things I shouldn't say or feel. But whatever, it's fine. I will do them...it's easy enough to hide feelings and not say certain things.

He did say that he can't stand when I say that this is how I am now and if he doesn't like it, he can just leave. But I told him I won't bend on that. I am going through a  process and I will go through this process at my own speed and if he really doesn't like it, he is welcomed to go. If he stays, good, but I will go through the process with or without him.

5 Stages of Grief in Infidelity Recovery

This is a really good article and so true - check it out:
5 Stages of Grief You'll Experience

Meaning of Infidelity

Check out Meaning of Infidelity!

Let's Talk Medication for Affair Recovery

One of my biggest pet peeves is that people still stigmatize mental health issues. There is nothing wrong with being a little crazy. I can say that because I worked in the mental health field. We all have issues and if a little medicine is going to help your mind function properly, I am all for it.

I have a history of depression and it runs rampid through my family. So, when the affair struck, my therapist suggested that I ask about an antidepressant as sort of prevention. I didn't have a problem with that except I resented my husband for making me have to deal with this. But anyway, I was given the same antidepressant I was on years ago but for some reason, this time, it didn't work as well. So I had to switch to another one...and then another one....until I was given Cymbalta. EUREKA!

With all of the ruminating I do about the affair, it's a wonder I can focus on anything but I can and it's all because of my new little friend. However, it made  me stay up all night. I would have bad restless legs and I would just think about the affair ALL NIGHT LONG. Astounding enough, I wasn't that tired in the morning, but that could also be from the adrenaline all my thoughts were revving up.

I was also having migraines...yeah no one should have an affair on someone who suffers from migraines because stress precipitates them. All the stress did make my migraines worse and more often. So I started on all these different migraine medications (I am in my 30s but yet I am like an old woman needing meds and doctors appointment everyday) and none of them worked. Now I am on a prevention for migraines - Elavil.

That stuff KNOCKS ME OUT. It's so great. As soon as it starts working, I drift off to sleep and I don't wake up until the morning. No more sleepless nights for me. Hopefully, no more migraines but it's too early to tell.

So what's my point? If you're suffering badly from the affair and it's affecting other areas of your life or you have a history of depression or other mental health disorder, ask your therapist or medical doctor about medication. There's nothing wrong with it....when you're physically ill, you don't worry about treating yourself with medication then do you? Well, treat your mind, which rules your body, just as well.

Support Through an Infidelity Message Board

I decided to see how much help I can get through an infidelity message board. Talk About Marriage seems like a great forum with a lot of support given to all sides of infidelity. This is what I wrote in my post:

This community has such wonderful support for all people involved with infidelity that I wanted to jump in and ask for some help.

Because of my husband's infidelity, I am now dealing with every symptom of post traumatic stress disorder. I am almost four months out of D-Day and we are working on our marriage. However, my emotions and thoughts are so out of control that I don't know which way is up or down sometimes. One minute I don't want to be in this marriage (with someone who did the unthinkable) and the next minute I love him and am so glad I didn't leave him. This can happen multiple times a day. I feel insane sometimes!

When I say that I have all the symptoms of PTSD, I mean I also see things, which I call visions. I will see her walking with him, hugging on him and even have sex with him. It's so crazy.

I've started getting physically sick over it all and my feelings have started to feel raw again without anything new happening. It's like I just keep reliving it and becoming beaten down with it repeatedly. When I first found out, I talked to my counselor about how I feel like I am only able to experience a little of what happened because my body would shut down and refuse to face anymore of it. Well, now it seems as though I have an internal war of wanting to deal with it but at the same time trying to push it down.

I have a lot of rage, and a lot of sadness, I have nightmares and can't concentrate on things unrelated to the affair at times. I have so many triggers, it's ridiculous (thanks to the thousands of emails I found between them).

My counselor I have had since D-Day hasn't been much help in this area, she has been mostly a sound board. I am supposed to see a new one on the 9th...but I fear she will be just as effective.

I feel like I am drowning....

I'll write about some responses and my reactions to them as I get them. If you need help with infidelity, check them out!

Picking the Right Counselor for Infidelity Help

It's imperative that victims of infidelity seek some sort of therapy to effectively deal with the aftermath of infidelity. Without professional help, you may struggle longer than is healthy and permanently damage your ability to not only trust your cheating spouse but anyone who you come into contact with in any type of relationship.

Not all therapists are created equal. I am myself a counselor and can tell whether or not a therapist is truly being genuine in efforts as an effective counselor.

It's important to understand that not everyone benefits from the same "good" counselor. Therefore, seeking help from someone only because someone recommended the person may not be your best choice. You have to mesh with your therapist. Your personalities must work well together and rapport building should be easy and comfortable with him or her.

It's also important that the counselor is working on issues with you to get you from A to B. The therapist I have right now is not doing this. She is more like a sound board rather than a partner in my process of recovering from infidelity.

Together with your therapist, you should establish goals and discuss steps to reach those goals. Each session should address at least one of them and there should be activities or something to work on outside of the session so that work done in therapy can crossover into your life, giving you the ability to apply coping skills.

That's it for now but there are some other factors you should consider when choosing a counselor for surviving infidelity, so check back.

Post Infidelity Stress Disorder

My therapist often tells me that I exhibit the signs of someone who has post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Someone with this disorder experiences a heightened state of anxiety and anguish over a traumatic event and will envinsion themselves going through the experience over and over again. In essence, people who suffer from PTSD not only experiences the horrible event once but relives it many times. This can be in thoughts, dreams, and in some extreme cases visions.

To describe a stress response to infidelity much like PTSD, Dr. Dennis Ortman came up with a term called Post Infidelity Stress Disorder or PISD. The symptoms are very much like what I am experiencing:

Certainly, discovering a partner’s adultery causes enormous stress for any individual. However, some are traumatized, feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope, often for years. Their reaction is similar to those who have had life-threatening experiences, such as war, natural disasters, violent crimes, physical and sexual abuse, and automobile accidents. These individuals manifest a predictable pattern of symptoms marked by alternating periods of emotional numbing and reliving the horror of the trauma (van der Kolk, McFarlane, & Weisaeth, 1996). Many victims of infidelity experience their psychic life threatened, and become preoccupied with the betrayal and filled with rage. I call their reaction “post-infidelity stress disorder,” with the acronym PISD, which expresses the rage that is a primary symptom of the disorder. Exerpt from: Journal of Psychosocial Nursing and Mental Health Services abstract.

There's always something comforting about finding out what is really going on inside of you. It helps you feel less crazy and know that many other people must be feeling the same way if they have a name for what you are experiencing. Is there anyone else out there that fit this description?

By the way, there's a book by Dr. Ortman that further explains his theory for PISD. It's called Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder.

Three Types of Cheaters

Photographer: graur codrin

As I delve more into the world of infidelity, I am starting to realize that not everyone has the same reason for cheating. Infidelity is much more complicating than someone just wanting to have sex with someone else. It also has much more to do with just meeting someone new and sharing emotions with the person. When you look at the bigger picture, cheating has to do with an underlying motivation. So to recover from infidelity, it's important to look deeper into the reason why rather than the what (as in what happened).

From my readings on cheaters, here are some of the themes I have found:

Distorted Reality Cheater
This type of cheater wants to run away from something in his/her life that is unpleasant and run to someone who doesn't have anything to do with the unpleasantries he/she has to face in reality. So the cheater creates this fantasy world with this person that is completely separate from the truth. When the distorted reality cheater is away with his/her fantasy person, life left behind stops and vanishes for the time being. There is no thought to what is going on in the "other world".

Excitement Addict Cheater
This person is addicted to excitement. Cheating is forbidden and that is what makes it exciting. If it weren't for the spouse, being with the person he/she is cheating on wouldn't be half as wonderful as it seems it is. It's the getting away with cheating and not being caught that is addictive. It's a rush when you go off to meet someone new knowing that you are so sly in being able to pull it off.

Revenge Cheater
This isn't only for the people who have been cheated on themselves, but also for people who are just resentful to their spouse. People who continue to live in unhappy marriages will overtime begin to resent their spouse for anything he/she does...no matter if it's fair or not. This type of cheater will cheat because it's a secret way to get back at the spouse even though he/she may not find out for a long time.

Knowing these types of cheaters will not only help you if you've been betrayed but it can help you even if you haven't been. Knowing the signs of cheating by looking out for your spouse distancing him/herself, looking for drama or excitment and acting resentful can really help you work on your relationship before it's gone the route of infidelity.