Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Let's Talk Medication for Affair Recovery

One of my biggest pet peeves is that people still stigmatize mental health issues. There is nothing wrong with being a little crazy. I can say that because I worked in the mental health field. We all have issues and if a little medicine is going to help your mind function properly, I am all for it.

I have a history of depression and it runs rampid through my family. So, when the affair struck, my therapist suggested that I ask about an antidepressant as sort of prevention. I didn't have a problem with that except I resented my husband for making me have to deal with this. But anyway, I was given the same antidepressant I was on years ago but for some reason, this time, it didn't work as well. So I had to switch to another one...and then another one....until I was given Cymbalta. EUREKA!

With all of the ruminating I do about the affair, it's a wonder I can focus on anything but I can and it's all because of my new little friend. However, it made  me stay up all night. I would have bad restless legs and I would just think about the affair ALL NIGHT LONG. Astounding enough, I wasn't that tired in the morning, but that could also be from the adrenaline all my thoughts were revving up.

I was also having migraines...yeah no one should have an affair on someone who suffers from migraines because stress precipitates them. All the stress did make my migraines worse and more often. So I started on all these different migraine medications (I am in my 30s but yet I am like an old woman needing meds and doctors appointment everyday) and none of them worked. Now I am on a prevention for migraines - Elavil.

That stuff KNOCKS ME OUT. It's so great. As soon as it starts working, I drift off to sleep and I don't wake up until the morning. No more sleepless nights for me. Hopefully, no more migraines but it's too early to tell.

So what's my point? If you're suffering badly from the affair and it's affecting other areas of your life or you have a history of depression or other mental health disorder, ask your therapist or medical doctor about medication. There's nothing wrong with it....when you're physically ill, you don't worry about treating yourself with medication then do you? Well, treat your mind, which rules your body, just as well.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine's Day Alone but Together

My husband is away right now. I could have driven the two hours to meet his boat with the kids in tow but it would have been too much on them and me. Our babysitter is in high school so it's not like she could have babysat into the late hours of the night. So, today, I spent Valentine's Day without my husband. I am fine with that. I am a military wife and that is one of the things I do.

However, my husband and I spent hours talking on the phone tonight. Not something out of the ordinary. We are pretty good communicators. We click in that way. We can talk and talk and always find something more to talk about. At the foundation of our relationship we have friendship...and it may be the only thing holding us together ...well, along with the kids.

Tonight, his friends asked if he wanted to  go out with them. They know what the answer will be because after the affair discovery I told him that I would not stand by while he went off with his friends like he said he was doing before or like he did before...we have no trust right now and well, God knows what he could be doing while out with them. I'll tell you, I got a little nervous him being docked in a city...I started conjuring up stories that his little slut mate was driving there to meet him for the night after 6 months away.

Anyway, my point is this, my husband answered this to his friends who tried to get him to go with them: It's Valentine's Day, how fair is it that my wife stays home tonight with the kids and I go out drinking with you fools?

Mind you, some of them are married themselves. They just shrugged and walked away. At least, finally, my husband is making sense out of situations. It just sucks that it took an affair to get him to see the light...

Sunday, February 13, 2011

God Speaks to Me About the Affair

I have never had so many signs from God than what I have experienced during the entire affair. When I first got the feeling that my husband was cheating, on a whim, I checked the Verizon bill to find one number texted hundreds of times. Without even thinking about it, I left clicked and my eyes were drawn to something that said "search on google", I did that and what do you know...her facebook page came up. That is when I found out and my life changed.

During all the times that my husband was with her, I had this very strong feeling. Some people say that it's because we are soul mates so I am in tune with him. But I firmly believe it was God telling me something was not right at all. I had many months of agony as these strong signs became stronger even though everyone told me that he would never do something as bad as have a physical affair on me.

Since my husband's grandfather died and I was staying with his grandmother while we closed on our house, I visited his grave site. I begged that if there was anyway that he could help me then please please send me a sign. I left the cemetary and within a few minutes, I felt very anxious ...so anxious that I started shaking. I told my husband's grandmother that I had to leave the next day to "save her grandson." I begged her not to tell him I was coming.

The next day is the one that I drove 14 hours back to where we were moving to and found out about him with her in a hotel room by begging the receptionist at the hotel to let me just peek in his room. All I needed to see was his stuff and her stuff and I would know. What do you know?...that's exactly what I saw. Again, my life was changed forever.

My husband now has become much more religious and has come to mass with me on Sundays. Each week, the gospel and homily directly talks to my husband about sins. It's freaky actually. But it does make me smile because it's usually about how you should resist temptation and that you should ask for forgiveness for sins.

Well, my husband is gone right now, so I went to church by myself. And what do you know....the gospel was about how God sees marriage and divorce. Then the homily was about....anger. Yes, that's right ANGER. Then to top it all off...the priest asked all the married people to stand up...he then did a special blessing for all marriages. Wow.... I could never of asked for a better sign that God continues to look after me and is trying to help me.

I did find comfort in the words the priest said. He mentioned that anger not only strains all relationships in your life but also the one you have with God. That is so true...since the affair discovery, I continue to have faith but it's much weaker than it's ever been. I know God is watching over  me and trust that he knows what I need...but I haven't really asked for it. Anyway, the priest went on to say that anger may lead you to commit other greater sins and I do believe that is true.

He suggested that while you can be angry, don't let the anger control you ...rather you control the anger. Don't lose yourself in it and forget how to be a good Christian. Something that I have thrown to the wayside to emotionally punish my husband for hurting me so incredibly bad. The thing I forgot was that I am committing a sin and as the gospel said, I will have to answer to that as much as he is going to have to answer about his affair. Side note: That makes me mad too because the affair, which didn't need to happen, is the reason why I have to answer to God about anger - it's not as if I am angry over a frivolous matter. But I digress... I want to get my life back in order. I want to start having my faith back...because I know God is with me. I just need to give my fear and depression to Him, so I can be free. As long as I can keep that in the forefront of my mind, I may be able to feel a little more at ease.... we'll see....

Friday, February 11, 2011

Understanding the Affair

I don't know if I ever will understand why my husband had the affair. I know that he is the world's biggest selfish person...or at least among the selfish people on this earth but I don't know if that is what really led him to the affair.

My husband broke down yesterday because all I wanted was for him to leave me alone. I just wanted to wallow for a day or so in my own self pity...but it drove him nuts. He convinces himself that I am planning on leaving. Honestly, what did he think was going to happen when he decided to cheat on me? He said he didn't think at all. I can't believe that. I just can't. It's not like he set out to meet her and sex just happened...This was an 8 month affair.

Wedding Pictures After the Affair

I have threatened many many many times to rip up all our wedding pictures and  throw them away. I have also threatened to set them on fire. I have no feelings attached to that event any more. All of the meaning in those pictures and promises have been broken. Do I really need them? All they do is remind me of the lies he told on that day.

My husband is all wrapped up in  the wedding pictures. He said I better not ruin them. What? Because you enjoy looking at the promises you broke? Come on...really? Doesn't it make YOU upset to look at what you through away. A love so kind, pure and innocent. That's all over now. It's tainted love...it has so many holes...that I sometimes wonder how it will ever stay afloat.

How do you all feel about your wedding pictures? DITCH EM or KEEP EM?

Thursday, February 10, 2011

I'm in an Infidelity Rage...RIGHT NOW!

I just told my husband that I was sorry that I ever married him and I was definitely sorry that I came back to him. No, before you think he cheated on me again, he didn't.

I read an article in the latest issue of Redbook about a man who missed his wife because his wife was so busy with the kids. The author said that he felt ignored and that he felt like life was going to be like that forever. Until one day when him and his wife had some alone time and she did something special for him (as simple has just fixing his coffee and buttering his english muffin). Then he realized that even though he wasn't first right now, he came very close behind, and that someday their kids would grow up and they would again be together and be each main focus.

This author sounds like my husband...except this guy came to this conclusion BEFORE he had an affair. My husband refuses to believe that he had an affair because he felt he was second best. He'll say he feels second best to the kids all day long but that being the reason for the affair he will never admit. Instead, he likes to say that he went crazy...as in mentally ill crazy. Honestly, even though my intellectual self kind of believes it... deep down...I don't buy it. I believe he has been craving the attention that the slut gave him and he just fell right into it because as selfish as he is...he didn't care who gave him the attention... as long as he was getting it.

You know what annoys me even more and sends me into a rage. Most of the marriages I hear this happening in, have another complaint that you will never hear from my husband's mouth...that there was a lack of sex. That's probably the first thing people come up with when they wonder, "I wonder what pushed him over the edge"...Yes, it must be that his wife wasn't putting out. HAHAHAHAHAHA....yeah okay. Hardly. People complain about going a week or a month without sex? Not in my husband's vocabulary. The longest we would go without is a couple of days...maybe three days in extraordinary cases. So yeah, what a damn jerk. You could had it so much worse...

I just don't deserve a husband who cheated on me. I feel like I made the biggest mistake in my life when I married him. I wish someone would have told me that when you marry someone, you may actually assume responsibility when he does something wrong. My whole life I've done things that I wouldn't be ashamed of. If I made a decision, I decided carefully because I know my decision reflect me as a person. Well, now I am ashamed and I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG.

Look, I'm sorry I wasn't all over you every second of the day. Or I wasn't calling you constantly while you were at work. Or that I didn't make you dinner every night...oh wait I did that....or do all of your laundry...oh wait I did that....or stay up at night unable to sleep worrying about your heartache over your grandfather dying...oh wait I did that....oh sorry I didn't sit down at the kitchen table and ask you how your day was...oh wait I did that....or watch wrestling with you just to spend time with you...oh wait I did do that. You know... it's bull that he cheated on me. He really doesn't deserve me...he really doesn't.

I'm getting tired now from the emotional outburst...so I am going to try to sleep. I told him that I don't want to see him until next week when he gets home from being on the boat all week (he leaves tomorrow). I told him not to call me....he of course said that he will call because he has a right to talk to the kids ----OH OKAY. Because when you usually call you ask to speak to the kids.....NOOOOOOO - even after I told him our daughter said that she wished he would ask to talk to her. UUUUGGGGHHHH....SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH...

Bed. Now.

Monday, February 7, 2011

I Should Have Never Married

Sometimes I wish I never married. Don't get me wrong...I love my kids...more than anything in the whole world. I just wish I had them without the marriage part. Seriously, there are days like today that I just think marriage is just too much work. Too much work without enough happiness to balance it out. Of course, I am a wife of a cheater. So yeah, that has a ton to do with the happiness factor. I've worked so hard for 7 years to make my husband happy and what do I receive in return...a big affair. WHOOHOO!!!! I feel so lucky...

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Contacting the Mistress - Is it Appropriate?

I received an email from a reader the other day that made me think about whether or not it's appropriate to contact the mistress. In my opinion, nah....

Even though I think my husband's mistress is a dumb, immature, slutty bitch... I don't really need to concern myself with her. It was my husband's responsibility to stay away from her and it was his fault that the affair happened. She didn't tie him up and rape him. He willingly had relations with her and had a relationship with her.

I think some people have an issue blaming themselves and the people who really should be put at blame. They have an easier time looking outside of themselves and the reality of where the problem lies. Like I said, it's not  like I don't blame my husband's mistress at all, I just don't think she deserves any of my time. I don't need to discipline her. I need to discipline my husband and look at our relationship for reasons why it happened.

What do you think about contacting the mistress?

Friday, February 4, 2011

I Am Green with Jealousy About the Affair

That's right. I am jealous. I want to experience the excitement of doing something so wrong. If you haven't had an affair, can you imagine how much passion was in the sex because it was just so wrong. Dang. Whatever, I want that. Sure, sex with my husband is fine because we love each other. But I bet the sex he had with her was spectacular. Not only that, because it was so new, it was great just because of that.

I want that. I am so jealous that my husband had that and I can't. Sure, I could go out and have an affair. Would I? Absolutely not. I would never disrespect my children that way. Come on, what kind of mother would I be to cheat on my husband. Yeah, exactly. My selfish husband never thought about that. It's also funny how I didn't say that I would never disrespect my husband that way. How could I care about disrespecting him after how disrespectful he was to me. He would deserve me to cheat on him, however, my kids do not deserve that.

I am an example to my children. I am an example of how they should live life. Now, what kind of example would I be if I went off with another man who wasn't their father? It disgusts me.

If I were selfish, like many cheaters, I wouldn't even think about it and fulfill my desire of having the same type of relationship he had with his mistress. However, I care too much about other people to hurt them as much as my husband has hurt me. I wish everyone would think about others before thinking of only themselves...there may not be so many cheaters in the world.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Infidelity Demotivational Poster

Infidelity Rage Has Turned to Infidelity Sadness

I've been having a time lately. It seems as though I have lost my rage. However, now, it's more like sadness. But it's not like I am just sad, I am done right depressed over it. The realization that my husband cheated on me makes me feel so low. You would have thought that I would have already realized the sadness in my husband's infidelity but I think the rage was just more powerful and pushed the sadness aside so it could show it's ugly head. Now the rage is exhausted and the sadness has finally been able to peak through.

I've had some trouble sleeping next to my husband at night. It's not something I've decided not to do, it's just that when I sleep next to him, I spend most of the night thinking of the affair. However, when he is away on the boat or I move to the couch, my thoughts ease and I am able to drift off to sleep. I sleep rather well too. However, if I happen to fall asleep next to him, I have nightmares or wake up several  times a night. It's as though his aura infiltrates my being and I just am not at peace. I am not sure what has changed but this is something new.

The other night, my husband confronted me about it because it hurts him that I keep sleeping on the couch. Okay, buddy, THAT hurts you? Try being a victim of infidelity. But anyway, I crashed and told him. Then I proceeded to sob harder than I have ever sobbed before. Oh I was such a mess. Dang, how different than what I have been like about the affair. Usually, I am so rageful that I could burn the house done...now, I just melt into the floor in devastation.

I guess it's another part of the process of infidelity recovery. It's so weird to see myself progressing through different stages and not even trying. I just hope that I come out of this without permanent damage mentally or emotionally...