Wednesday, October 21, 2015

The Other Woman In The Affair Claims My Husband Loves Her In A Very Special, Unbreakable Way

Many wives who seek out or talk to the other woman know deep in their hearts that no good can come of it. Many later admit that there was a little voice in their head telling them to end the communication at once and to never look back. But, for whatever reason, they ignored that little voice and allowed their curiosity and their need for information to get the better of them. They met with her and then she told them something incredibly hurtful.

An example is the other woman who does her very best to paint the affair as a love story that will never end. She'll try to paint herself and the husband as soul mates who are destined to be together forever and who share a love to which all others just can not compare. This leaves the wife wondering what this means for her. A wife might say: "I did not reach out to the other woman. She called me. And she said that she needed to tell me something very important that might change everything for me. My first inclination was to hang up and to tell her to never call back. But I knew that if I did that, I was going to go crazy wondering what the information was, so I reluctantly agreed to go. Turns out, her 'important information' was the declaration that she and my husband are deeply in love and that they are so close that they share a bond that can never be broken no matter how hard I try. She says my husband has repeatedly told her that he's never felt anything like what he feels with her and that he never had that feeling with me - even when we were dating. She says that my husband told her that he married me only out of a sense of obligation. She informed me that she felt like she just had to be honest with me and tell me that I am wasting my time trying to save a marriage that was never right in the first place. I am so upset by this. I try to put it out of my head, but I can't. My brain keeps echoing with her claims. Tonight, my husband tried to be sweet to me, but I was cold to him because in my mind he was just faking it because he can't possibly feel for me what he felt for her."

Ask Yourself About Her Motives: I know that this must be painful. But I think it might be a mistake to just assume that what she told you is the truth. Think about it for a minute. Does she have any motive to paint the affair as different than it really was? Of course she does. If she can make you think that your marriage doesn't stand a chance, then perhaps you will back off, reluctantly end your marriage, and leave your husband to her. Or, if she can make you think that your marriage can not compete with their relationship, then again, you might just give up and feel that you can't and shouldn't compete - which will completely clear the way for her.

And here's something else that you may not have considered. People who have affairs have a vested interest in trying to magnify the relationship. This makes it easier to justify their behavior. It's easier to think to yourself something like: "I'm not normally the type of person who would cheat. But this relationship was so special and so right that I just had to make an exception. How can I be expected to pass up my soul mate?"

It's better for most people to think about themselves in that way than to admit that they willingly cheated with someone they knew was married and threw all of their integrity out of the window.

Look At What Is Real And Not At Someone Else's Reality: If their relationship was so special and enduring, you will learn that soon enough. But if that were true, why is your husband making an effort to be sweet to you in an attempt to save the marriage? I just think it's important to realize that she has her reasons to tell you what is less than the truth. And if, because of her, you distance yourself from your husband who was truly making an effort, she will get exactly what she wants. She will have accomplished exactly what she set out to do.

Nothing says that you have to believe her and nothing says you have to meet with her or listen to her again. Many wives want to meet with her again to show her that she hasn't won. But frankly, the most effective way to show her your victory is to move on with your life and to secure your marriage so that she is no longer in the middle of it - even if she wants to be.

Reality Changes: And, even if she believes that what she is saying is true, plenty of couples save their marriage under these circumstances. People sometimes do believe that they are in love with their affair. But the longer that it is over and the longer that they are no longer participating it in, the more likely it is that they come to realize that they were wrong.

Honestly, I firmly believe that you are better off getting information from your husband. There's no guarantee that he will tell you the complete truth either. But at least he's someone who you still want in your life. And he is invested in not hurting you, when that may be her goal. Determining where to place your focus is so very important. There's more to read about my own recovery after the affair on my blog at

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I Want My Husband To Think The Other Woman Is Cheating On Him, How Do I Accomplish This?

I can't think of many things that are quite as hurtful as knowing your husband has relationship with someone else, and - worse - is in no hurry to end it. He will often claim that he loves both women and can't bear to let one go. Needless to say, many wives in this situation understandably are looking for a strategy to end the affair. Many consider a plan that will break them up. Sometimes, a necessary component of this plan is to do something to make the other woman seem less than desirable. One option would be if she were cheating.

To that end, a wife might say: "I am trying to determine the best way to get my husband to think that his other woman is cheating on him. There have been times when I knew my husband was so close to breaking it off with her. But she seems to have some sort of hold over him. He keeps saying that he needs time, but he will not end the relationship. And he doesn't seem to want to end our marriage either. I think if he could somehow get mad at her for something, that would do it and we could go on with our lives. I've tried showing him that she's only out for his money, but she seems to sense this and then she will stop asking for things. This weekend, I was out with a friend and I actually saw the other woman at a restaurant with another man. They were laughing and they looked like more than friends. I got excited, but my friend told that this was the other woman's childhood friend. She says that they've been friends for years and that there is nothing romantic between them. I honestly wish I'd taken photos of them to suggest to my husband that she is cheating on him. How can I make him think she's cheating so that the affair will end? I'm considering hiring someone to take photos."

Let's assume for a second that you might see the two of them out again - with your camera ready and focused. Let's even assume that you get a good picture. Do you know for sure that your husband hasn't already met this man? What if your husband knows exactly who he is? What if you show him the photo with the story of the other woman cheating and it backfires big time because your husband knows that you are lying? He will then be able to see exactly what you are trying to do. Sure, you could pretend that it was an honest mistake and that you legitimately thought she was cheating, but it's risky. And, there's also a chance that even if your husband believes you initially, he will question her and she'll be able to prove he's just a friend and that it's your husband she wants. This could even bring them closer together.

I know that not everyone agrees with me, but I almost never think it's a good idea to focus on the other woman. Because what you really want is for your husband to willingly end the affair so that you can rebuild the trust and restore your marriage. If they break up only because you've fooled him into thinking she's cheating, will you ever feel that trust? Can you ever really be secure? Will you feel that he legitimately chose you?

I know that it is hard to just watch and wait. I know that this feels like you are doing nothing when your marriage is on the line. But it's my experience that this type of manipulation and dishonesty almost always comes back to haunt you. As hard as it might be, I feel it's best to wait until you can legitimately say that you both chose to save the marriage because it is legitimately what you wanted.

Saving a marriage after an affair is tricky. It requires both people's full commitment and effort. I'm not sure that you will have that from him if he's only there because he has come to believe something which he may later find out to be untrue.

It would be fair for you to think: "well, I know that's it's dishonest to make him think she's cheating, but she didn't fight fair when it came to me. She was certainly dishonest when she cheated with my husband. Why do I have to have integrity when she doesn't?"

I understand the argument. I've had these thoughts myself. But a relationship that started as an affair has horrible odds of succeeding. The odds are stacked against it from the very beginning. So, there's a good chance that this is not going to end very happily for the other woman. The odds of her riding off in the sunset with your husband for the long term are not good. My point is, there's a very good chance that in the future, her lack of integrity will not pay off.

But you have enough to worry about. Let that go. Let the universe worry about karma. Focus on your own recovery. Hope that your husband does the right thing, but know that you can not control him. You can't force decisions on him. But if you conduct yourself with integrity, you can have some confidence that in the end, people eventually show their true colors. You generally do not have to manipulate anything to make this happen. It will happen on its own. And if you try to force it, then you sometimes bring that negativity back your way, which you don't need or deserve.

I know that you just want her out of your life. But you can choose to minimize her place in your life by focusing on yourself. I firmly believe that placing your focus on healing is the quickest way to feel better and more in control. And once he comes back around, you are in a better place. At least that was my experience. There's more on my blog at

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What Is The Other Woman's Perception Of The Wife?

It's completely normal to wonder about the woman with whom your husband had an affair. You wonder what type of person she is. You wonder what thoughts she had about your husband. You wonder what she thought about you. Often, people just do not understand this curiosity. They wonder why it matters to you. Admittedly, it doesn't literally matter, especially as you move on. But many wives want this knowledge to quell their curiosity. Many of us feel that we could never ever cheat with someone who we knew was married to a loving spouse. How, then, could she? What does she think about us that allows her to do this?

A wife might ask something like: "do most 'other women' think that the wife is a horrible person who is not deserving of her husband? Because that is the only reason that I can come up with that would allow a woman to betray another woman in this way. Is this what most of them think? That the wife is an awful person? I'm not a bad person. I've never been anything but a good wife to my husband. But she must not be aware of this."

I can't speak for every one. Obviously, I don't personally know every "other woman" in question. However, I've gotten correspondence from some of them. And I do have theories about their thought processes, which vary.

She Often Tries To Avoid Thoughts Of The Wife Because It Makes Life Easier: Many "other women" avoid thinking about the wife too much. They are in sort of a denial that this man is married. They look at the wife as an inconvenience of the relationship and they hope that this will eventually work itself out. Many don't probe too much about the marriage or ask too many questions - especially at first. They sense that this is a touchy topic and they figure that they can address it in time. But many of them do report feeling guilt when they think of the wife. Which is why many of them try not to dwell on the thought of her. They try to think of their relationship as completely separate from your marriage.

Some feel so guilty that once the affair is over, they will reach out to the wife and try to apologize. Some will tell you that this is the first time they have ever dated someone who is married and that they never intended for it to happen. In fact, they'll claim that they never would have believed that it could happen. They will sometimes want the wife to know that they are not a bad person and that they never meant to hurt anyone. And I believe that many are sincere in this.

Some Want To Believe That The Wife Is Very Flawed: Of course, the above isn't true of every one. There are some women who will try to vilify the wife. They will see her as the person who is getting in the way of their own happiness and you will hear them say things like: "I don't get why that witch won't let him go. He wants to be with me. He doesn't want the marriage anymore. I don't get why she tries to hang on to a man who wants to be with someone else."

Many of these women have their beliefs because of what the husband has told them. Some husbands of course will claim that their wife doesn't understand them or is cruel in some way, which helps every one to justify the affair. In these cases, the other woman has thoughts about the wife which directly reflect what she has been told.

Other times, she vilifies the wife simply because the wife has what she herself wants.

Sometimes She Is Careful To Mind Her Own Business Because She Is Married Also: Wives often assume that the other woman is determined to take her husband away so that she can marry him. This is sometimes true, but not always. Sometimes the other woman is married herself and has no intention of leaving her own husband. She may actually love her husband and assume that your husband loves you. But she may have the theory that sometimes, marriages are complicated and you have to go outside of them to be fulfilled. I don't believe this to be true, obviously, but some people genuinely believe this.

I find that most of these women don't think about the wife nearly as much as she assumes. Many of them are focused on their own relationship and their own lives. Sure, some of them do want the husband for themselves. And those in this category are more likely to think badly of the wife. But even those will often try to think about her as little as possible because it just makes her frustrated to remember that he is married.

I understand why you are wondering about this, but I am probably not telling you anything new when I say that her opinion of you doesn't matter. She doesn't know you. And the information that she has been given about you probably isn't all that accurate. And, even if it was, her opinion of you is clouded by her own agenda. She will often slant the information for her own gain. It's easier for her to not think of you at all or if she does, to think that there's a reason why your husband is having a relationship with her.

Most of the time, it makes it easier for every one if the people who are cheating try very hard not to think of the spouses involved at all. If they can chase this out of their mind, it makes it easier to feel less guilt and to worry less about the future of a relationship that has the odds greatly stacked against it and probably isn't all that healthy.

I understand why you are curious. But really, who cares what she thinks? You know who you are. And that is all that matters. If it helps, you can read more about my own journey with this on my blog at

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Who Should Do The Most Work After A Marital Affair? Who Has That Responsibility?

As you are struggling to navigate the days after you find out about your spouse's affair, it can become clear that, in order to ever move past this, both you and your spouse are going to have to put forth a great deal of effort. Recovery doesn't happen on its own, but those couples who don't recover can continue to struggle in a marriage that makes them both miserable.

It can feel unfair to the faithful spouse that they have to put up a considerable amount of effort. After all, they didn't cheat. They did nothing wrong. So why are they now faced with this huge obstacle that is going to require all of this work?

Because of the inequality of it all, it can become very tempting to keep score and to insist that your spouse is the one who should be mostly responsible for the recovery. A wife might say: "it took me quite a while to convince my husband to be honest about his affair. I would ask him what made him do this and he would always tell me that he didn't know why he did what he did. Finally though, after I would not accept that answer, he admitted that I was concerned more with the kids than with him. He said that I'd let our sex life slide and I was no longer that playful woman who he loved to be with more than anyone else. He told me that in order for him to truly be happy in our marriage, I would have to put more emphasis on the physical side of it. I told him that I could do that, but that I do not want to be physical with him when he doesn't compliment me and treat me nice in the way that he used to. He agreed that he would make an effort in that department. I told him that I also needed for him to be accountable about spending more time at home. Well, weeks have gone by since that conversation and he hasn't made good on his promises. He told me that I haven't made the effort either. He says we've only had sex a couple of times. He said that it's up to me to make the effort first. I think that this is ridiculous. The person who cheated has to make the most effort. Isn't this true?"

I do agree with you that most people assume that the biggest initiative must come from the spouse who cheated. They are the ones who caused the damage and so they are the ones who are mostly responsible.

However, in reality, it often takes effort by both parties to make things right again. If the cheating spouse is the only one making any changes, then he can feel resentful. If the faithful spouse doesn't see any changes, they can feel distrust and suspicion. And, if either party continues to be unhappy in the marriage, then you are vulnerable to future cheating or unhappiness.

Overcoming all of this is difficult and it takes work from everyone. I know that it is just human nature to keep score when someone hurts you. But, you have to be practical. You have to decide if it is more important to keep score or if it is more important to you to have a sound, recovered, and healthy marriage which makes you happy.

Because if you want that, then there's just no way around putting in the work. It doesn't magically happen. And it's not going to happen if both people do not feel that they are getting what you need out of your marriage. Expressing what it is going to take to make your marriage fulfilling is a very good first step that you've already taken. Not every one is willing to do this.

So you have a good start. Now it is time for you both to show you're serious about making those efforts and those changes. Sometimes, both spouses are waiting for the other to act first. No one wants to be the one who is trying so hard while the other does nothing. This is understandable. No ones wants to feel like they are the only one who cares. The problem is that while you're both waiting, no progress is being made. Someone has to be the first to make the good faith effort. Someone has to decide that recovery is more important than waiting and watching.

Think about it for a second. What is it that you want the most? Most of us just want to be happy and to have peace and faith in our lives again. It's very difficult to have this if no one is trying. And it's silly when he's not trying because you're both keeping score. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person. Because I'd suspect that if you make an effort, you will see him making one too. It basically feeds on itself and forms a cycle. You give a little and then he does. You get a little and then he does. You're encouraged by his effort and so you put in more of your own effort and he reciprocates.

So while I think in theory that it's the cheating spouse who should take more initiative, I often know that this isn't always reality. It often takes effort on the part of both spouses and a willingness to stop keeping score. Sometimes, I was resentful of all of the counseling and soul searching after my husband's affair. But now I can look back and see that it was more than worth it. Because if we hadn't made that effort, we might still be very unhappy. And life is really too short to be unhappy. You can read more on my blog at

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My Husband Doesn't Seem Genuinely Interested In Hearing About My Feelings After His Infidelity

It is normal to want to talk at length after you find out your spouse has been cheating. You often have a lot of emotions that you need to release. And you want your spouse to understand what you are feeling. Although many spouse's seem willing to listen right after the affair is discovered, it's not uncommon to see their willingness to listen waning quickly.

A wife might explain: "when I first found out about my husband's affair, he stuck to me like glue. He seemed to be so scared that I was going to leave him. I knew that I wasn't going to leave, but I didn't share this with him. Because I thought that it wouldn't be a bad thing if he was worried. I wanted him to be scared so that he would think twice about cheating again. Early on, he told me that he wanted to know everything that I was thinking and feeling. He sat there patiently while I talked. He listened and seemed empathetic. But this quickly passed. Now when I want to talk, I look at his face and it's all scrunched up. He will sigh heavily. He sits and he does listen, but it's clear he'd rather be anywhere else. Last night, we were talking and I said: 'when this first happened, you told me that you wanted to hear my feelings. Is that not true anymore? Are you not interested in this anymore?' His response was that he was still interested, but it seems like I'm saying the same thing every time. Maybe I am, but it's a lot to take. Are men really interested in your feelings after their affair? Or are they just pretending to placate you?"

I think that they are interested. But what you are saying can be hurtful to them because they know that they are the cause of it. This is normal. In their hearts, they want to know what you're feeling and they want for you to share your thought process. But every time they hear your words, it just drives home the point that they have done tons of damage to their marriage and they have hurt someone that they love. This isn't always easy to hear.

And, your husband isn't alone in saying that your message is somewhat repetitive. I do hear from a lot of husbands who say the same thing - that they want to help their spouse heal after their cheating but that after a while, it can feel as if you are not making progress because you're hashing out the same old things every time.

Of course, you have every right to repeat yourself. This is a hard thing to deal with. No one can expect you to need to say or discuss something only once. We are not talking about something simple like him forgetting to do something he's promised that is mostly benign and innocent. We are talking about cheating. That is whole different level of a mistake.

However, in order to make real progress and to feel some relief, sometimes you have to be deliberate in how you are handling this. You don't want to say something so much that it loses its effectiveness. A counselor (or just you being very deliberate) can help you with this. It helps to try to have most of your difficult discussions in your counselor's office (or at a set time at home.) Because she can help to keep you on track. And she can get to the heart of what you are really wanting to communicate. Sometimes, we think we are saying what we mean, but we aren't being crystal clear.

If you are not in counseling, then one way to improve this is to try to have very specific, non negotiable times to talk about your feelings. If you just blurt out everything that comes into your head exactly when you experience it, your husband feels as if he's always on his guard and he can honestly start to tune you out. But if you limit these conversations to a set time (with it ending after a certain period of time,) he is more likely to give you his undivided attention and you are much more likely to feel that you are being heard.

Another thing that you can do is to try to be very specific so that it doesn't sound like you are saying the same thing over and over. Rather than repeating general phrases like "I feel hurt and betrayed," you want to really try to get to the heart of the matter. Try to really say what you mean. Examples are very specific phrases like: "I worry that I will not trust you. I worry that you are not attracted to me anymore. I worry that we can't get the intimacy back." This tells your husband much more about the obstacles that must be overcome and he is more likely to give you thoughtful responses and actions.

I hope I've addressed what you wanted to know. Men often are interested. But they will also sometimes try to protect themselves by zoning out or feeling defensive, even if this isn't their intention and they do not realize that they are doing it. It hurts them to realize what they've done. And it's normal to want to minimize that pain. So, you have to be deliberate so that your message is really heard and addressed.

I experienced this frustrating issue also. I think that, at times, my husband thought that our talks were just meant to punish him or to rehash things when I was trying to be genuine. It helped quite a bit to limit the talks to a set time. You can read more on my blog at

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What To Do When Your Spouse Admits To Cheating On You

There are lots of life situations that are hard to prepare for like getting fired or down sized from a job. No one tells you what it's like and even if they do it's not the same as actually going through it. The same goes for getting a divorce. You think you are ready for it until it sets in that you will be splitting up for good with the one person you once would have given your life for. Another reality of life you really can't prepare for is how to deal with infidelity.

You can't go online, watch the news or read a newspaper without seeing a story about infidelity. It's easy to take for granted the pain and suffering a family dealing with infidelity faces when it's not your family. However, what should you do when and if your spouse confesses to you that he or she is having an affair?

Here are some simple but effective strategies to follow upon learning of the infidelity;

• Get control of your emotions

• Prepare To Discuss The Infidelity

• Make logical decisions

Getting Control Of Your Emotions

I assure you that upon hearing about your spouse's cheating you will be on an emotional rollercoaster. You will feel sadness like you never felt before. Shame and anger will be competing for your attention. You will feel bitter and frustrated as each day passes and you realize that this is really happening to you. There will be days when you awake, wondering if you were just having a bad dream.

It's utterly important that you reign in those emotions. You won't be able to suppress your anger but you can control it. The quicker you can get control of your emotions the easier it will be to recover from the infidelity.

Prepare To Discuss The Infidelity

One of the ways to stay in control is to schedule discussions about the affair. If you have off the cuff discussions regarding the cheating you may lose it emotionally. What I have found useful is when couples plan to meet and have jotted down some key questions or statements ahead of time. If you don't plan conversations about the affair you may end up with continuous finger-pointing and shouting matches.

Make Logical Decisions

Most spouses dealing with a cheating spouse try to make the best decision possible for their marriage and family. In some cases it makes sense for immediate separation if there is any possibility for physical confrontations to occur.

For example, when my mother found out that my dad had an affair she decided to pump a few bullets into him. She pleaded self-defense and got off with probation. He survived the incident and carries around one bullet today that the Doctors couldn't remove as a reminder of the price he paid for cheating.

That wasn't a logical choice my mom made to shoot him but it was an emotional one. That's why I say you have to get control of your emotions and make logical decisions.

There is no way to prepare to deal with the aftermath of finding out about and affair. Regardless of what you think you will do there is a good chance it turn out the way you envisioned it.

Affairs are happening every day in our families, neighborhoods, churches, places of employment and unfortunately they will continue to happen. For some couples it's not a question of if it will happen but when.

If you are experiencing the painful process of dealing with infidelity my heart aches with yours. No one should have to endure such pain and anguish. I hope the 3 tips I noted above help you in some way. Please hang in there and don't give up. If you need more help on recovering from infidelity, please see here; Dealing With Infidelity

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21 Days to Getting Your Relationship Back on Track

Have you ever wondered why so many people are having affairs, separating, and feeling downright miserable in their relationships? Does it sometimes feel like your own relationship is running on auto-pilot? If so, you're not alone.

The bottom line is that even the best relationships can get stagnant. And even the most compatible couples can find themselves thinking that the "grass is greener on the other side."

Culturally, we're inundated with the statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce. A 2011 survey showed that the #1 reason for divorce is "falling out of love" followed closely by infidelity. The good news is, there's no reason to believe that you and your partner are doomed to become a statistic. Believe it or not, your choices - be it in your job, how you raise your kids, what you eat for dinner - are in your own hands entirely. And the same goes for how you approach your relationship. Most couples long for the honeymoon phase. They want to feel loved and wanted, but are at a loss on how to get the intimacy and passion back. Little do they know that it's not only possible to revive their relationship, but that they can do so with greater passion and intimacy than ever before. This is true no matter what you're dealing with. Whether it be infidelity, emotional neglect, money conflicts, communication problems, or whatever else.

But before I give you strategies for reviving your relationship, let's first start by understanding how things can get off track in the first place...

If you're like most, you may remember the beginning of your relationship when meeting your partner's needs was at the top of your priority list, and vice versa. But then something happened. As a therapist and life coach, I have seen first-hand what happens. Couples start out strong and then they fall into what I call "The Program" - They get married, have kids, get a job, buy a house, get deeper in debt, and get totally lost in the rat race. Exhausted, under pressure and easily annoyed from being in this constant state of stress, they have little time or energy left over for each other. In other words, when you're running around like a madman (or woman), working, running the kids from activity to activity, trying to catch up with friends & family, distracting yourself with shopping, TV, pornography, food, alcohol or whatever, you become dissatisfied and disconnected from your partner. When you're not feeling connected to your partner, chances are you're not very interested in meeting their needs or even having them meet yours.

As human beings, we all have physical and psychological needs that we strive to fulfill on a daily basis. And when we have unmet needs, whether sexual, emotional, or other, we start seeking ways to meet those needs. The problem is we don't always come up with the best solutions. For example, a woman may turn to another man because she feels emotionally unfulfilled in her marriage or a man may turn to pornography because he feels sexually unfulfilled. These "solutions" obviously won't work and will only serve to create a deeper level of disconnection. When our mental, emotional, physical and spiritual needs are not being met, we become dissatisfied and unhappy. And when we're not happy, we tend to make other people unhappy, usually starting with our partner. We start putting expectations on them, and to make matters worse we expect them to know what we need without us having to tell them. Then when they don't meet our needs, we become resentful, and punish them by not meeting their needs. As a result we get further and further away from each other on all levels - mentally, emotionally, romantically, sexually and spiritually.

A good relationship should have a positive energy return. Think of it as 1 + 1 = 3, meaning we bring out the best in each other, we add value, we meet each other's needs, and together we become greater than the sum of our parts. Unfortunately when needs are not being met, the energy balance is in the negative (1 + 1= minus 2). When a relationship has a negative energy return, we usually feel helpless and hopeless as to how to turn things around.

If you're reading this, I am guessing you are in a place of self-awareness and self-discovery - you may be suffering, but you know there could be a more positive way to approach your intimate relationship, and you're looking for ways to re-connect with your partner on all levels. As it is with making any significant change, it requires honesty, commitment and a willingness to instill new practices into your relationship. I will give you strategies to help you feel more connected to your partner, however you need to think of it as a toolbox; if you merely let tools sit in the box, nothing will be fixed or created. The tools will simply collect dust. Therefore, I urge you to thoroughly complete the exercises provided. Be patient - and celebrate yourself (and your partner) at each step of the way.

So let's get started...

Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and odds are, trust will be broken in nearly every long-term relationship at some point. But it can be repaired provided that at least one of you is committed to breaking out of the relationship patterns that are not working for you. This can be hard work, especially if your spouse is not on board yet, but it is achievable. The urge to revert back old patterns may arise throughout this process, but if you're serious about getting your relationship back on solid ground, you need to consistently take action to create new relationship dynamics - these are the actions that serve to strengthen your connection and bring you closer together as a couple. At first, your partner may not trust your intentions, but over time and with consistency, trust levels will rise along with the feeling of connection.

Here are 5 exercises for you to get started:

1. On a sheet of paper, make a list of all of the things you are currently saying/doing that are disconnecting you from your partner;

2. Make another list of all of the things you are currently saying/doing that are strengthening the connection with your partner;

3. For the next 21 days, make a commitment to not doing any of the things on your "disconnection" list and to doing more on your "connection" list. Then write your commitment on three sticky notes and put them in places you see often throughout your daily life (e.g. on your closet door, on your bedroom lightswitch, on your computer).

4. For the next 21 days, do not talk about your relationship problems. In fact, I want you to take a sheet of paper and write down all of the problems in your relationship that you can think of. Then fold the paper and place it in a small box. Close the box and put it in a safe place. If your mind wanders back, simply remind yourself that your relationship problems are safely stowed away and do not give yourself permission to re-visit them until the end date. You may be wondering what's the point of putting your problems on hold. Well the point is that you can deal with problems much more effectively from a place of connection than from a place of disconnection. So instead of talking about problems or logistics (i.e. who is picking the kids up, deadlines at work, what's for dinner, etc), once a day, take the time to talk about your hopes and dreams, and to ask about your partner's.

5. Initiate at least 3 positive interactions per day - I.e a compliment, a supportive comment, or a show of affection - it doesn't matter as long as it is 100% positive. In other words, do not add a negative to a positive (i.e. I really love you, but wish you'd take out the trash). At least one of these interactions must be physical. For example, give your spouse second hug for a full 30 seconds at least twice per day (without back patting).

Fill-Me-Up Cards for Couples is a 21-day challenge for couples looking for some creative ideas on how to recharge their relationship. It is a fun game that encourages partners to share in the common goal of re-igniting passion and intimacy. Just imagine feeling connected to your spouse the way you once were!

Purchase at:

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How To Kill A Relationship in Three Easy Ways

For those of you who often wonder why your partner wants out, I have tried to come up with three easy ways that will almost insure the destruction of a close relationship. They are, in no particular order: 1) Fill your relationship jar to the very top with sand; 2) park your car in your neighbor's garage; and 3) Cry "wolf" a lot.

Get two mason jars of equal size. Next to both place a half-gallon of sand and a half-gallon of pebbles that are approximately one half in diameter each. Using the first jar, fill it with sand all the way to the top. Gently shake it a bit, and refill it. Using the second jar, fill it with pebbles all the way to the top. Gently shake it and try to put a few more pebbles in it. Now back to the first jar. Try to put some of the pebbles in the jar. You can't! Using the second jar, carefully begin to sprinkle sand in, shaking gently as you go. You will be surprised how much sand you can get in. The jars represent your relationship issues. The sand represents minor issues, while the pebbles represent major issues. You see, if you fill your relationship jar with sand - minor issues- you have no room to put in pebbles - major issues. If you are constantly bringing up minor issues in your relationship, you will never have an opportunity to address major issues, which surely will kill the relationship.

Your neighbor has a wonderful looking garage. Your garage seems a little cluttered and you're getting tired of it, so why don't you just open the garage next door and park your vehicle? How do you think your neighbor would react? How do you think the people in your house would react? How would the rest of your neighbors react? DON'T park your car in someone else's garage. It will probably get really banged up, and the people in your house will not be very happy. It's called boundaries. Infidelity is one of the biggest relationship killers.

Remember that fairytale about the boy who cried wolf a lot? When the wolf really came, and he screamed wolf, nobody came, and he got eaten. Nobody trusted him anymore. No one could tell when he was telling the truth or when he was lying. Their trust in him had been violated. The result was that his relationship with others had vanished. Relationships are based, in large part, on mutual trust. Without trust there is instability. People become hypervigilant and are always suspicious. Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame on me. People don't like to feel duped. When you violate trust, you are ruining a relationship.

Unfortunately, some people not only do one of the above, but two or even all three. Of course, when you ask these people if they knew their behavior might cause a problem in their relationship, they will always tell you that they knew. However, if you ask them since they knew, why did they do those behaviors anyway, most will come up with an excuse best left in a cow pasture.

Much of life is filled with warning signs much like road signs: stop signs; dangerous curves; pedestrian crossing; speed limits; exit signs; etc. Much like driving, if you don't heed the message in those signs, you run the risk of mild to moderate to severe consequences, not only for you but also for others around you. Pay attention and heed life's warning signs. Your relationship will be so much healthier.

Dr. Yellen is a parent, former educator, and clinical and sports psychologist in private practice. He has appeared nationally television as well as giving commentary on local television and radio stations. He is the author of The Art of Perfect Parenting and Other Absurd Ideas, coauthor of Understanding the Learning Disabled Athlete and Social Facilitation in Action, and most recently the author of Love Shopping List, a partner to the Love Shopping List app ( ). He can be reached at (818) 360-3078 or by e-mail at

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1 in 3 adults admits to 'financial infidelity'

CHICAGO — One in three adults admitted to "financial infidelity" in a recent National Endowment for Financial Education poll, and 76 percent of those respondents said the deception affected their relationship. ("It meant nothing!" may be harder to get away with when "it" affects your credit score.) The national survey of 2,035 respondents age 18 and…

Cheaters don't understand the pain they cause: Ellie

Dear Readers: When someone communicates to me their relationship experiences, which I believe may be helpful to many, I’m happy to share them. The following reader provided views from a website posting which he related to, on “Understanding the Pain of an Affair.” I’m including some selections from that posting: My wife had an affair and…

8 reasons why men betray their wives

Infidelity looks different today than it did in the mid-1990s. Back in the Carter administration, when Murphy Brown and the X-Files were still hanging on, an affair was considered an actual physical sexual encounter between people. Today however, infidelity is in the eye of the beholder. Sometimes, literally. The Internet has opened up a world of…

Researchers Have Some Bad News For Those Whose Parents Have Cheated In The Past

A new research has revealed the likelihood of cheating on a significant other might be predetermined by parents' unfaithfulness. The study, conducted by the Texas Tech university and the University of Nevada, shows that being a cheater might run in the family. Researchers surveyed around 300 students to see if they could find any relationship between…

Sexual Numbness When Dealing With Cheating Or An Affair: Tips That Might Help

It's rare to carry on with your sex life as if nothing happened after you discover that your spouse has had an affair. Although some couples will report that their sex life actually improved right after infidelity, this is the exception rather than the rule. Many couples struggle sexually. This is particularly true of the faithful spouse who can hesitate to be intimate after being betrayed and hurt so badly. Many people report feeling numb, detached, or flat.

A wife might say: "the biggest damage to our marriage because of my husband's affair is our sex life. The other woman was everything that I am not - young, thin, and beautiful. I don't want to tear myself down. I know that I am not ugly. I know that some people would consider me still attractive. But after nursing two children and having two pregnancies, my body can not compete with a young woman who is at her prime weight and who has never had children. I suspect that she was more adventurous and eager to please sexually. Plus, there was the aspect of surprise and newness with her. I can't compete with that either. My husband ended the affair as soon as I found out. He has done everything that I have requested of him. I do believe he is putting in a lot of effort. And I can't imagine that he would jump through all these hoops if he did not love me. I do believe that he loves me. But it is very hard for me to engage with him sexually. He seems into it and enthusiastic, but I wonder if this is only for my benefit. I will feel like I want to have sex, but then when it actually comes down to it, I find that I am basically just numb. I want to actively participate and to enjoy myself like I used to, but I find that my mind just wanders. Most of the time, I imagine my husband having sex with her. But other times, I find myself thinking about silly, mundane things like whether or not I paid my bill or when I am due for a teeth cleaning. Or, I'll worry about something to do with my kids. This hasn't been a huge problem with me in the past. Am I always going to feel numb like this when we have sex? Why is this happening? And how can I stop it?"

I'm not a therapist. I am answering this question as a wife who has been through this and gone through something similar. In my experience and opinion, sometimes, we shut down sexually when we have shut down emotionally. It is very hard to have great sex when you are not connected emotionally. Therefore, if your relationship is still struggling a little bit and is still not on solid ground, you might see your sex life being affected accordingly. It's understandable and it is normal. When you continue to heal and you regain that emotional connection, you will often find that your sex life greatly improves as well.

Here is another consideration. Many of us kind of detach and distance ourselves from our husband after he has an affair. We do this as a defense mechanism. We may not be consciously aware of it. But by distancing ourselves from him, we are trying to protect ourselves from being hurt. And this distance can seep into other areas of our life - like our sex life.

How do we begin to stop this? Well, we can start by trying to notice if (and when) we are doing it. Notice how you are when you're conversing with your spouse or spending time with him. If you find yourself only half way engaged, pay attention and ask yourself if you want to lean in just a little bit. Sometimes, you have to do this gradually because you are understandably reluctant to completely trust and you do not want to be hurt. Often, over time you will feel a little safer, engage a little more, and then retreat and watch again and repeat the process. Over time, you are no longer as guarded because you've learned that it's safe to trust. Watch yourself in this process and if you are not actively leaning in and giving a little more in time, ask yourself why. Figure out what hasn't been settled and address it.

Finally, mindfulness can greatly enhance sex in any circumstances. I know that it seems silly to compare sex to meditation. But the same type of mindfulness works with both. When you find your mind drifting, draw your attention to what is what in front of you. Notice your breath. Notice the feel of his hands on you. Notice exactly what is happening at that time. Don't be afraid to look at him and to really and truly take it all in. This is the easiest and fastest way to stop being numb. I know first hand that you have every right to want to numb yourself. You are afraid. You are reluctant. But if you want to experience all of the pleasures sexually then you have to be willing to be a little more vulnerable in other areas. And you have to be willing to take down the walls during sex and to experience it all.

Just like we had to build up our marriage after my husband's affair, we had to build up our sex life. It took repeated effort, but it was worth it. You can read more about that on my blog at

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Are You Committing Financial Infidelity?

Shame plays a large part when it comes to financial infidelity. Sometimes finances simply spiral out of control, and it's not uncommon to hide these debts and expenditures from a partner. In fact, it is estimated that around six-million Americans are guilty of financial infidelity in some way, shape or form, so if you have told a white lie about your spending or have over-spent on your credit card, trust me, you are far from alone.

But the problem with hiding financial information from your significant other is that it can lead to marital and quite possibly legal problems in the future. Whether those problems spiral into something like divorce (financial reasons are one of the top reasons why couples get divorced) or whether you will leave a partner with a massive debt when you pass away, nothing beneficial can come from hiding your debts from your partner.

A Sticky Situation

I recently met with a client that just lost his wife. While the pain of losing his wife of many years was enough to cripple him, he received a double whammy when he realized that his wife had been battling mountains of credit card debt for some time now. He didn't know about any of these debts.

These debts were well hidden from him while his wife was alive. In this particular case, his deceased wife had opened up various credit card accounts using both of their names. The reason she did this was because the credit card companies kept offering her more and more credit. The offers for 6 months free interest were very enticing, and she continued to take the bait. This quickly led the grieving husband to seek the advice of a bankruptcy attorney.

While I'm sure his wife had very good reasons for hiding the bills from him (she did not want to burden him with the truth), the fact that they had joint accounts meant that he was responsible for the debt as well. While it can be hard to discuss financial problems with your partner, neglecting to do so can quickly lead to a financial mess, emotional issues and physical issues. I often wonder if the stress, fear and guilt of dealing with this debt caused her death.

Grounds for Divorce

In some cases, committing financial infidelity can lead to divorce. The strain of debt can often be too much for one partner to bear, and sometimes these debts do hold up in court. If you are experiencing financial troubles, make sure that you speak with an experienced bankruptcy attorney today. Debt might seem like quicksand, but there are often ways to get out of debt allowing you to see the light of day and breathe again. Remember, financial infidelity will cause stress, fear and guilt which can cost you much more than a paycheck. Are you willing to pay that price?

Whether you are battling bills that a loved one left behind or whether you just want to get out of debt, so that you can enjoy a smooth marriage, we can help. Call us for your free case evaluation today at 239-939-0900 or schedule online at:

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9 Types Of People Who Are Likely To Cheat, And Keep Cheating

Cheaters and those who have been cheated on are likely to commit and experience repeat offenses in their future relationships. A new and revealing study on the statistics of infidelity was conducted by Kayla Knopp, a clinical psychology graduate student from the University of Colorado, Denver, and presented at the American Psychological Association Convention in Washington,…

Ashley Madison isn't the only place to cheat. Infidelity thrives on social media

When your dating website's slogan is "Life is short. Have an affair," it might seem like karma that 35 million cheaters find themselves at the mercy of hackers who are threatening to release their information. After a massive data breach, the Ashley Madison website, which is designed for married and cohabiting people looking to have affairs,…

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Why Do People In Happy Relationships Cheat? Expert Weighs In

"Monogamy used to be one person for life. Now monogamy is one person at a time." That harsh observation of modern-day relationships was explained by therapist Esther Perel in her latest Ted talk. Theories on monogamy and infidelity have been expressed by many who study societal patterns and phenomenons, but Perel delved into a conundrum that…

Scientists: Women Who Cheat Have 'Infidelity Gene'

So it can be, "Don't blame me; I was born that way." Scientists have found variations of a gene are linked to ‘extrapair mating' Variants of ‘infidelity gene' make women more likely to cheat on partners University of Queensland scientists studied DNA and lives of 7,378 people They found variant of gene present in large number…

Adulterers work longer hours, U.K. office romance study says

A study out of the U.K. has added considerable relevance to our recent blog, "Legal etiquette for office romances," in which lawyers Stuart Rudner and Natalie MacDonald of Rudner MacDonald, a Toronto-based employment boutique, offer sage advice for those who just can't resist. The study from Approved Index, a B2B marketplace, suggests that offices are "a…

Study: Men Fear Sexual Infidelity; Women Fear Emotional Cheating

Men and women fear that their partners may cheat, but the reasons are gender specific and possibly evolutionary in origin. A poll was conducted in which 64,000 men and women were asked what would upset them more? A partner who is sexually unfaithful, but doesn't love the other person, or a partner who has fallen in…

Here's How Women And Men React Differently To Cheating

Infidelity — commonly known as cheating — means different things to different couples. For some, the definition may be stricter than others and include activities or connections that some couples would consider OK behavior. A new study out of Norway takes a look at the way men and women see cheating differently and points to evolutionary…

Straight Men Don't See Cheating Like The Rest Of Us

What would upset a man more, catching his girlfriend having sex or knowing she's fallen in love with someone else? What about a woman? In the largest study on relationship cheating, men and women had opposite reactions and confirmed the typical stereotypes of jealousy. Researchers from Chapman University studied the different reactions that are born out…

Americans transfixed by high infidelity

Politicians appear to be on a whistle-stop tour of infidelity. It's the McGreevey-Dann-Spitzer show - and then some. Infidelity is big theater these days, providing both spectacle and cautionary tale to eager onlookers and press alike. Adultery and its attendant behaviors have created a popular culture and cottage industry all their own, driving political strategy, press…

Your Online Affair May Turn You Into An Addict

Internet sites like Ashley Madison have changed the way people cheat, allowing them to have fully-orchestrated online affairs. From sexy private messages to cybersex, infidelity can destroy relationships, but what constitutes Internet cheating? A survey by Open University in the UK found men and women are different in the way they perceive infidelity. There currently isn’t…

Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater? 7 Surprising Facts About Infidelity

At a young age, society trains our psyche to expect to meet the one, get married, have kids, and grow old together. Playground songs like “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage!” make love and relationships seem one-dimensional. Although in monogamous relationships commitment means no playing around, sometimes the inevitable…

Women, Men, and Infidelity

Rayshell Clapper, Women and men are different. Though we are the same species and certainly have many similarities, we differ in many ways. From how we communicate to our thoughts, women and men just have differences. A recent statement from the Norwegian University of Science and Technology discusses a study that confirms a new difference…

Monday, October 19, 2015

Relationship Problems – Dealing with Infidelity

Being betrayed in a relationship is, without question, an incredibly painful and often devastating blow. But, how you deal with the fallout from that nuclear, infidelity blast will, inevitably, determine your future. Depending on the course you plot, it can either be laced with happiness or laden with more pain and betrayal. Granted, your partner did cheat on you! So, if you decide to pull the plug on your relationship, no one would blame you. But, before you do, I would recommend that you ponder the following questions:

Why did you attract unfaithful behavior?

How can you avoid attracting more of that behavior in the future – regardless if you decide to remain with your current partner or not?

OK! Before you get your knickers in a twist, let me explain! I do not condone infidelity as acceptable behavior. In fact, I believe it to be a morally repugnant act! Additionally, I am not blaming you for your partner’s moral failings! What he did was wrong, however, if you throw in the towel too quick, what will you learn from the situation? Moreover, if you decide to pull the plug on the relationship, what will be different next time? Whether you can see it at this point or not, you did contribute to your partner’s infidelity. And, until you can grasp that concept, nothing will change.

Infidelity is often misunderstood, and that is why most couples fail when it comes to saving or reconciling their relationship. It’s also the reason why many women continue to experience unfaithful behavior in one relationship after another. To overcome infidelity, you must understand the foundation. Most women believe that men are unfaithful either as a result of a momentary failure in judgment or because that’s just simply the way they are. Some men may, indeed, be insensitive, fornicating barbarians; however, most men are not. Furthermore, that isn’t why they cheat. The majority of men cheat because their emotional needs aren’t being met. As a result, they attempt to fill that void with an extra-marital relationship. Once again, I do not condone such behavior. However, if you fail to understand why your partner strayed and how you contributed to the situation – nothing will change! Truthfully, at the core of all unmet emotional needs are always fear and insecurity. Take a moment to self-reflect. Have you inadvertently driven your partner away? Do you struggle with a fear of abandonment, rejection or trust? Has your low level of self-esteem or confidence caused you to become needy, clingy or smothering? These qualities are not attractive to anyone, and they often drive a wedge between partners. Let’s face it, love is giving. And, surely, you can’t force someone to give their love to you. It must be attracted – period! To accomplish that goal, you must be willing to grow and evolve on a personal level. If you want to uncover the truth about whether your relationship can be reconciled and put an end to the cycle of unfaithful behavior, this is the correct approach. Sure, you can demand that your partner cease and desist, and you can police his behavior, but your efforts will fail. Love is like a magnet, so it can’t be pushed or forced. It must be attracted! So, you must change your energy by transforming yourself. Deal with your issues and become a strong, confident and loving woman, and you’ll be surprised at your partners renewed interest.

Just the other day, a subscriber who followed the approach I’ve described above, sent me an email. After embracing a path of self growth and working through her fears and insecurities, her partner ended his affair, returned home, and now feels that he’s the lucky one! Bottom line, he won’t go looking if he already sees what he wants. At the end of the day, you don’t have to go out for a Kit Kat Bar if you’ve got Lady Godiva Truffles at home!


David Roppo

The Relationship Rehab Coach

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Sunday, October 18, 2015

4 Tips to Save a Marriage After Infidelity

Infidelity is one of the worst occurrences in a marriage, but it does not have to end there. Here are 4 tips to save a marriage after infidelity that can lead you back to a happier life and healthy relationship.

Trying to save a marriage after infidelity is a difficult thing to do. It is also, however, very admirable. Our society makes light of affairs and even seems to promote them through the media and movies.

On a personal level, though, infidelity is devastating. It is one of the major causes of divorce and marital strife. It is usually also a symptom of other problems.

The good news is that once these other problems are identified and corrected it is possible to save a marriage after infidelity and restore a relationship that has become important in your life.

These tips given here can actually work for you whether you are the one guilty of the infidelity or the victim of it. While I cannot promise the process is ever easy or pain free, following this advice can quicken the healing process help you get back together.

Tip number one: Take charge of the repair process

If you want to save a marriage that has been the victim of infidelity, then you need to take charge of the repair and healing process. It really does not matter if you are the one at fault or not.

You cannot make your spouse do anything, but by taking the lead you can clear the path toward a reconciliation that will make you feel better and potentially get you both back into an enjoyable marriage sooner.

This also gives your spouse "permission" to behave in a non antagonist manner toward you and join the effort to repair the relationship.

Tip number two: Do not look to play the blame game

If your spouse is the one who cheated they may try to blame it on you for not providing what they needed in the relationship. Whether there is truth in this or not, certainly they are at fault for their actions regardless.

But do not dwell on either of those points. You may offer an apology for any fault on your part but do not "fish" for an apology on their part. Likely as not, this type of game can end up being one of competing for the better excuse.

Trying to lay blame on one another is not going to save a marriage after infidelity or make either one of you feel any better long term.

Tip number three: Dig down to find the reasons

While carefully avoiding blame and excuses, try to determine what the root cause of the infidelity was. Some need or needs were obviously not met in the relationshipArticle Submission, find out what they were.

The purpose here is to determine what needs fixing and how to fix it without accusing anyone of anything. The goal is to get back together so you each may have to leave pride at the door and be brutally honest; not only with each other but with yourself.

If you do not find the reasons behind the infidelity and fix them then the relationship is sure to fail.

Tip number four: Rebuild the trust

Trust is something that is so difficult and time consuming to build up but so easy and quick to be lost. Relationships require trust and in order to save a marriage after infidelity it is imperative that trust be rebuilt. And the sooner the better.

One way to help rebuild trust is to be totally open and honest. Forget trying to beat around the bush or hide details in any part of your life.

Rebuilding trust will take effort from both of you and take time. Be patient. Show your spouse in everything you do that you have his or her best interests at heart and are not hiding anything.

There is so much to cover and so many more helpful tips available. You can speed up the process to save a marriage after infidelity by taking advantage of the materials and videos available at our website.

The address is You can start right now on the road to recovery.
Article Tags: Marriage After Infidelity, Marriage After, After Infidelity

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Learn how others have been able to save a marriage after infidelity at The material and videos can get you on the road to a happier life in a rewarding relationship.

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Church Good for Fidelity

PASADENA, Calif. (UPI) - Attendance at religious services predicts marital fidelity, but researchers are not sure why. David C. Atkins and Deborah E. Kessel of the Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena examined whether dimensions of religious life - including prayer, closeness to God, faith and religious activities - related to infidelity, using structured, face-to-face interviews with…

Study: Financially dependent spouses are more likely to cheat

People are more likely to cheat as they become more economically dependent on their spouses, according to a study released recently in the June issue of the American Sociological Review. Intrigued by the number of people who cheat — an estimated 20 to 25 percent of married men and 10 to 15 percent of married women,…

Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater? 7 Surprising Facts About Infidelity

At a young age, society trains our psyche to expect to meet the one, get married, have kids, and grow old together. Playground songs like “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage!” make love and relationships seem one-dimensional. Although in monogamous relationships commitment means no playing around, sometimes the inevitable…

Save Your Marriage - Infidelity Does Not Have To End In Divorce

Is infidelity threatening your marriage? Infidelity does not have to be physical, but is damaging either way. Find out how you can stop divorce and save your marriage starting right now. Here is some no nonsense advice that you can put to work today and begin the healing process.

Infidelity is one of the most devastating events a marriage can go through, but it does not have to end the marriage and result in divorce. It is possible to save your marriage after infidelity if both spouses can address the issue and work together through it.

An affair is a huge betrayal of trust in addition to the vows of marriage that are supposed to be sacred. It can leave emotional scars for a long time to come, so it is a serious issue and must be treated that way.

But infidelity does not necessarily have to be physical. More and more we are seeing cases of emotional infidelity when one of the partners in marriage begins sharing their life, or bonding, to someone besides their spouse in inappropriate ways.

One of the reasons for this is the mixed gender workplace. Decades ago there was the secretarial pool of mostly all women. The factory was pretty much the domain of men. Now that is not the case. People are spending more time and having more in common with more members of the opposite sex.

Compounding the problem are the myriad technologies that make it easier to bond with someone other than your spouse. Texting, email, cell phones and even long boring commutes contribute to the rise in emotional infidelity.

And since married partners spend more time apart with crazy work schedules and running the kids everywhere it has become easier to find ways to physically cheat on a spouse as well. Once this has happened it can be a chore to put your lives back together and save your marriage.

Repairing the damage.

The first thing you want to do to begin to repair the relationship is determine what went wrong. Chances are it was a gradual slide downhill that began with an indifference by one spouse or the other, forgetting to appreciate all the other person meant to them.

The longer we have something the more we become inclined to take it for granted. That happens with people too. Sometimes you do not know what you have until it is gone. Cliche, but very true.

In order to move forward it is important to identify problems so that they can be worked on and eliminated, but not by way of finger pointing and the "blame game". That will likely end in divorce instead.

Trust has been broken and that will need to be repaired. Start out by making sure you are both totally honest with each other, hiding nothing and becoming very transparent. Going to be late coming home? Call, then call again. Keep up the communication.

Make a list of what initially attracted you to the other person and seek to find those desirable traits again and remember to appreciate them and, more importantly, voice your appreciation to your spouse. It will seem odd at first, but you will get used to it.

It is not an overnight process to save your marriage, especially when infidelity has occurred. You both have some work to do. Do not think that only the guilty party has to change, either.

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Infidelity does not have to be the end of your marriage. Forget divorce and save your marriage starting today. Get help at

The Demographics of Infidelity

Researchers widely agree that the rate of female infidelity is rising - that women are increasingly willing and able to risk their marriage and step out on their husbands. The National Post looks at recent data from the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, & Reproduction in the U.S., and with the help of Forum…

Friday, October 16, 2015

Cheaters Use Cognitive Tricks to Feel Good about Themselves

Benjamin Le, Haverford College

Most people believe that they are moral and good. They also believe cheating on a partner is wrong. So how do cheaters live with themselves after their infidelity? Understanding how they reconcile their indiscretions with their beliefs about themselves can help us figure out why “good people” cheat.

Dissonance theory predicts that when individuals’ thoughts and behaviours are inconsistent, something has to give. Have you ever wondered why anyone would be a smoker these days, given what we know about the link between “cancer sticks” and cancer? A smoker knows that smoking causes cancer, but might rationalise it by saying “I don’t smoke very much” or “My grandma smoked two packs a day and lived to be 90 years old!” By coming up with these rationalisations, people are able to preserve the impression that their behaviours and attitudes are consistent.

Similarly, cheaters might minimise the significance of their infidelity as a way to cope with knowing they did something wrong. The authors of a new study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships propose that cheaters feel bad about their indiscretions, but try to feel better by reframing their past infidelities as uncharacteristic or out-of-the-ordinary behaviour.

The experiment

To test this idea, the researchers randomly assigned people to be either “faithful” or “unfaithful” in four different lab experiments. Now, you are probably wondering how you make someone cheat on their partner (or not) in a psychology study. Even if researchers could create such groups in the lab, you may think that they probably should not do it anyway (you know, for ethical reasons). The researchers got around these problems by ingeniously banking on the fact that when you are in a relationship, you might still interact with other people you find attractive, and the degree to which you interact with attractive others could count as a mild form of infidelity.

A good man? Former president Bill Clinton.

Participants were instructed to think about a past romantic relationship and then to think about someone, other than their past partner, whom they were attracted to while they were in that relationship. For example, if Ted from “How I Met Your Mother” was a participant in this study, he would have been asked to think back on his (now terminated) relationship with Victoria, and reflect on how much he thought about Robin, interacted with her, and flirted with her while he was with Victoria by answering questions on an “infidelity scale”.

Here is the really clever part: Participants were given “false feedback” (or inaccurate information) to make them think that they were higher or lower than average regarding past infidelity compared to other participants. So, if Ted was assigned to the “unfaithful” condition in this study, he would have been made to believe that his past interactions with Robin were especially frequent and intimate – essentially, that he was relatively unfaithful to Victoria compared to other people who completed the infidelity scale.

The results showed that participants who were made to feel unfaithful had more negative emotions than those in the “faithful” condition. Those made to feel unfaithful were also more likely to report that they did not like themselves. In short, they experienced discomfort about their infidelity. They also tended to downplay their infidelity, reporting that it was not important and did not represent them (“It’s not who I typically am”).

In short, people know that infidelity is wrong, but some still do it. And when they do, they usually feel pretty bad about it. But through various forms of cognitive gymnastics, cheaters are able to discount their past indiscretions to feel better about themselves. Since the negative consequences, at least in terms of how they feel about themselves, are diminished, maybe they do not learn from their mistakes – and might be susceptible to cheating again in the future.

This is an edited version of an article that appeared on the Science of Relationships.

The Conversation

Benjamin Le, Associate Professor of Psychology & Department Chair, Haverford College

This article was originally published on The Conversation. Read the original article.

Despite Ashley Madison furore, our view of infidelity has not always been fixed

Zoe Strimpel, University of Sussex

When in 2010 I interviewed Noel Biderman, founder of infidelity website Ashley Madison, he said: “It’s easy to vilify me. But I’m not doing anything wrong. I didn’t invent infidelity.” He had a point, though at the time the moral outrage generated by the site suggested that Biderman had not only invented adultery, but all the evil in the internet too.

Five years on, and his website – and attitude – has spectacularly backfired following a hack that has outed personal details of its members and corporate emails. The outrage value of unprincipled web businesses has certainly dwindled – and within the internet’s wild west of trolling, pornography, cyberbullying, celebrity promotion, ungrammatical communication and hook-up apps, Ashley Madison seems positively tame. Who cares about some largely North American adulterers and their kinks? Arranging an affair through a dating site is pretty vanilla compared to a lot of what goes on. And mainstream dating sites like OkCupid and Match are perfectly good for cheaters too.

And yet Ashley Madison has never stopped being deeply contentious. Failed attempts to float on the New York and London stock exchanges suggested moral recoil on the part of bankers, a group hardly known for their disdain of smut. And so it fell to a group calling themselves Impact Team to reveal the site’s secrets with the moralising zeal of the righteous. Or the wronged – it’s suggested that the hackers had assistance from a disgruntled ex-Ashley Madison employee.

“Time’s up!” the hackers announced when Ashley Madison and its two sister companies remained in business after a warning. “We have explained the fraud, deceit, and stupidity of ALM and their members. Now everyone gets to see their data.” Data, the new private parts, was duly exposed, with women told: “Chances are your man signed up on the world’s biggest affair site, but never had one. He just tried to. If that distinction matters.”

Marital infidelity brings people including, apparently, hackers, to the very highest pitches of moral indignation – even today, in a world where teenage daughters and sons may well make contributions to amateur pornography websites. So outrageous is the idea of being cheated on – and so staunchly moral – that adultery would seem a universal, timeless evil. But a look at 20th-century history, at least in Britain, suggests that infidelity was not always the worst thing that could happen to a marriage.

In fact, as leading social and cultural historian Professor Claire Langhamer makes clear, perceptions of the wrongness of affairs are linked to changes in attitudes to relationships in the post-war period. The more marriage became tethered to love, with sex its crowning glory, the more fidelity mattered. At the same time, the arrival of the contraceptive pill in the 1960s and no-fault divorce led to a more sexually-oriented, exploratory approach to relationships. Yet as Langhamer argues, even as attitudes grew more permissive, with experimentation before and during marriage becoming more common, attitudes towards infidelity hardened.

So does the tsunami of personal and marital nightmares unleashed by the data from a site like Ashley Madison being made public mean that modern relationships are too close, or endowed with too much importance? Would it be better for cheaters and their spouses if relationships were more economic and pragmatic, and less territorial and sexualised? Perhaps.

It might also be better if we saw a renewal of the art of discretion – itself a kind of pragmatism in a digitised age where commercial promises of security can be so quickly overturned. Here the hackers of Ashley Madison make a good point: the site said all its user information was deleted – and it wasn’t.

Looking back to mid-20th-century Britain, a female volunteer from the sociolological Mass Observer project (as quoted by Claire Langhamer) put the central, and perhaps distinctly British, role of keeping schtum instead of open censorship (or open admission) when she said:

I would never have foreseen … that I would be involved in a significant number of extra-marital affairs or that they would prove part of the life experience of most (not all) of my family and friends … Such relationships were still spoken about in a whisper, behind closed doors, shocking. Yet my own family was quite considerably rattled by a quasi-affair of my father’s: muttered about, hinted about, never pronounced openly.

Adultery is not likely to stop because people say it’s bad. Internet dating sites must learn to guarantee that private actions are “never pronounced openly” – in failing to do so, Ashley Madison has got its comeuppance. As for its customers’ best-laid plans, I’ll leave that to you to judge.

The Conversation

Zoe Strimpel, Doctoral researcher, University of Sussex

This article was originally published on The Conversation. Read the original article.

Shannon Beador Fight for Marriage after Infidelity (Personal Post)

If you watch Real Housewives of Orange County, you know that one of the women on the show has suffered her husband's infidelity. I love how she is on the show telling everyone how hard it is to deal with an affair. I also love how she shows people that a marriage can be saved after infidelity.

What I don't like is how she continuously says that she is healed only after a year. Let me tell you - it takes much longer to heal from an affair. Sure, you can tell yourself that you are over it. However, if you are true to yourself, you will know that you really aren't healed.

It's been FIVE years for me. I still think about it and I still suffer from it. Am I devastated anymore? NO! I am really okay with it. And yes, I'm so okay that I can say that I forgive my husband knowing that this means that I am okay with it. That's my definition of forgiveness, even though it's not other people's definition.

I don't think I'll ever be completely over it. It was the hardest thing I went through in my life. It's one of those things that has become a part of our marriage. It's never not going to be part of our marriage, so why should I forget it happened.

With that being said, I love my husband. I am proud of my husband. This is something I never thought I would ever say about him again. It's crazy. How far I have come.... I am sooooo glad that I stayed and went through everything.

When I look at my kids, I know they are better with mommy and daddy. I am so glad that we were able to work through it, so we can be parents that truly love each other.

For all the haters out there, you have no idea what it's like to go through infidelity until you go through it. You have no idea what you would do, even if you want to say you know you would leave and never trust your husband again.

Shannon Beador and I would have said the same thing 10 years ago. However, we have joined the Cheated On and Stay Married Club. I'm pretty proud of that actually.

Infidelity in Marriage

Infidelity and the threat of it are the largest threats to a marriage. However, it is not necessarily fatal. It is possible to heal the marriage and even become closer than before this happened. This article explores ways of dealing with infidelity and looks at some of the things that cause it to take place.

Infidelity and the threat of it, is the largest single issue that threatens marriages. A basis of all healthy marriage is the ability to trust. It is not only the sexual betrayal but the lies that accompany infidelity that are so devastating. This break of trust need not be fatal; if both parties truly wish to do so it can be repaired. It takes time, patience, wisdom and true dedication for this process to work.

First, it is absolutely necessary to acknowledge what has happened. No step forward can be taken without honesty. The individual who has strayed must be clear about what has gone on. This does not mean they are to be punished or blamed, but must be accountable, taking responsibility for their actions. Next it is crucial to find out the deeper reasons in the relationship that caused this to take place. What has been lacking? Have there been hidden resentments? What does the marriage need, right now?
If both individuals are willing to confront the issues, to open communication, be honest, respectful and patient, then the marriage can emerge even stronger than before.

Emotional Infidelity

The question of infidelity has become much broader as individuals have obtained easier access to others through the internet. Many often satisfy their wish for other relationships or for fantasy and adventure through activities online. When we do not see or have to interact with another in person, there is comfortable distance, which leads one to believe that nothing is going on. Individuals often feel they can easily exchange intimacies. Demands made upon one another and can be handled easily through a few words. This stimulates a hotbed of fantasy and it becomes easy to feel one has someone in their life who cares and is there for them. Before they know it, excitement, attachment or dependency arises, and interferes with feelings towards the spouse.

This is a dangerous arena to go into. To protect the well-being of your marriage, stay away from it. Realize that online relationships, or other relationships where you feelings and fantasies become stirred up are a temptation to enter into fantasy. Inevitably, they make your primary relationship at home seem less important to you.

There is a thin line here and it is crossed easily. Define and set boundaries for your emotions and needs. If there is a reason why they are not being fulfilled at home, talk it out as soon as possible, create quality time together, explore new ways of enjoying each other and breaking a possibly deadening routine.

Addictions crop up in marriages and are often hidden from a spouse. The addiction to porn is one of them, and closely allied to infidelity. When spouses find out they are often devastated by it. Many wives feel utterly betrayed, threatened and as though they have not been good enough and are not attractive to their husbands. Often they discover the addiction because their husband's sexual desire for them has decreased. Addictions can be much harder to break than one first realizes. Usually it requires professional help.

The addict must not make light of the situation, but fully realize that he/she is caught in the grip of an illness and needs professional help. These addictions can provide all kinds of highs and excitement that a real flesh and blood relationship may not able to offer. For some men, after being addicted to online porn it is boring or difficult to have that much sexual interest in their wives any longer. Awareness must be brought to this situation. Even though the man minimizes it, the woman must hold onto her own reality and need for respect. She must not deny the way you she is feeling, but see to it that professional help is sought.

It is always better to do this sooner than later. The longer an addiction grows the harder it can be to let go of. It is important to recognize these threats to your marriage for what they are, not blame yourself for them or brush them under the table, but to face the issues directly in a constructive and hopeful way. Let your partner know that together you can find a solution that works for both of you. Blaming the self or blaming the other is never helpful and leads nowhere. Acceptance, communication and understanding, however, always go a long way. Needless to say, both must be willing to work on this together. If the partner is not willing to deal with it, then the woman should seek help for herself in making constructive choices for her own life.

All marriages go through challenges. Whether these challenges destroy your relationship or make it stronger, is up to both of you. It takes two to make this commitmentFree Web Content, however. One person cannot do it alone.
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Thursday, October 15, 2015

Surviving Infidelity

Surviving infidelity is a painful journey. As one of the worst betrayals, it throws you back on yourself for support. Once the infidelity is brought to light, your options can be severely limited. If a discovery or confession of infidelity coincides with the unfaithful spouse calling off the marriage, you have little recourse if you’d like the option of working things out.

Surviving infidelity is a painful journey. As one of the worst betrayals, it throws you back on yourself for support. Once the infidelity is brought to light, your options can be severely limited. If a discovery or confession of infidelity coincides with the unfaithful spouse calling off the marriage, you have little recourse if you’d like the option of working things out.

If the infidelity does not bring the marriage to a screeching halt, there are multiple issues to sort out among the options of:
1) determining if infidelity is a non-negotiable for either of you,
2) staying married,
3) deciding who to turn to for support as a couple and as individuals,
4) having a trial separation,
5) considering divorce, and
6) how to communicate this rocky road with children and other family members.

You may have read or heard that when infidelity occurs, it isn’t the problem but a symptom of deeper problems. When it happens to you, the truth of that becomes crystal clear. Everything that led to this day of discovery can come flooding to the surface, with both of you throwing blame and resentment at each other as you try to keep from drowning in the grief and the reality that there is no turning back.

So how do you survive infidelity? First, you begin where you are, with you. You feel your feelings of grief, loss, shock, anger, and whatever else comes up for you. You even allow yourself some crazy fantasies about your partner, as long as you do not act on them. These things are normal, best embraced and not run from. Healing yourself and your life needs to be your top concern.

Then you prepare for some of the toughest work of your life! Whether you and your spouse decide the relationship will continue or end, the best way to begin to take your life back is by taking 100% responsibility for where you are this point. That may sound provocative, so keep reading because there is tremendous promise in that statement. It has nothing to do with blaming yourself or finding yourself at fault. It does have to do with not only surviving infidelity, but thriving.

Taking 100% responsibility means looking at you as a powerful creator who has attracted every person, animal, circumstance, experience, essentially everything to you as a mirror reflection of both who you are and who you desire to become! Let us begin with the present circumstance of a spouse that cheated.

Accepting that you are a powerful creator who attracted your spouse and this present situation into your life and that you are prepared to take responsibility for that, ask yourself what he or she and the betrayal mirror for you. Perhaps the mirror is showing you that you do not value yourself as worthy of fidelity and better love. Maybe you have issues with jealousy and insecurity so that the mirror of this situation tells you it’s time to master these issues so you can take you and your life to a higher, better level. It may be that your spouse never loved you such that the mirror is offering you release from suffering you have endured for the length of your marriage.

Whatever the mirror of this situation and these people reveal to you will be personal for you. Chances are self-worth is part of the issue. However, take the time to investigate for yourself what it is you can learn from what may be the worst thing that has ever happened to you.

Even if you choose to remain married, your present and future have been undeniably altered by the betrayal. You have a long journey ahead of you. Whether you remain married or separate, there will be nights when you think the pain will never end. It will. You will have family and friends who will want your life to get back to normal within six months. It won’t. Find those people in your life who have the patience to be there for you seven months, a year, or however long it takes for life to feel normal for you again.

The betrayal may have stolen the future you had mapped out. But you will get your life back. You will experience normalcy again. You will have joy, passion, love, and delight again. When you perceive the present as a mirror for you of your power as a creator, you will not only survive infidelityComputer Technology Articles, you will thrive.

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Joseph Malinak is a certified Magi Counselor using The Cards of Destiny and a life coach specializing in relationships. The co-author of Getting Back to Love and Create the Love You Want, you can get a FREE video e-course, 10 Secrets to a Successful Relationship, by visiting him at