21 Days to Getting Your Relationship Back on Track

Have you ever wondered why so many people are having affairs, separating, and feeling downright miserable in their relationships? Does it sometimes feel like your own relationship is running on auto-pilot? If so, you're not alone.

The bottom line is that even the best relationships can get stagnant. And even the most compatible couples can find themselves thinking that the "grass is greener on the other side."

Culturally, we're inundated with the statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce. A 2011 survey showed that the #1 reason for divorce is "falling out of love" followed closely by infidelity. The good news is, there's no reason to believe that you and your partner are doomed to become a statistic. Believe it or not, your choices - be it in your job, how you raise your kids, what you eat for dinner - are in your own hands entirely. And the same goes for how you approach your relationship. Most couples long for the honeymoon phase. They want to feel loved and wanted, but are at a loss on how to get the intimacy and passion back. Little do they know that it's not only possible to revive their relationship, but that they can do so with greater passion and intimacy than ever before. This is true no matter what you're dealing with. Whether it be infidelity, emotional neglect, money conflicts, communication problems, or whatever else.

But before I give you strategies for reviving your relationship, let's first start by understanding how things can get off track in the first place...

If you're like most, you may remember the beginning of your relationship when meeting your partner's needs was at the top of your priority list, and vice versa. But then something happened. As a therapist and life coach, I have seen first-hand what happens. Couples start out strong and then they fall into what I call "The Program" - They get married, have kids, get a job, buy a house, get deeper in debt, and get totally lost in the rat race. Exhausted, under pressure and easily annoyed from being in this constant state of stress, they have little time or energy left over for each other. In other words, when you're running around like a madman (or woman), working, running the kids from activity to activity, trying to catch up with friends & family, distracting yourself with shopping, TV, pornography, food, alcohol or whatever, you become dissatisfied and disconnected from your partner. When you're not feeling connected to your partner, chances are you're not very interested in meeting their needs or even having them meet yours.

As human beings, we all have physical and psychological needs that we strive to fulfill on a daily basis. And when we have unmet needs, whether sexual, emotional, or other, we start seeking ways to meet those needs. The problem is we don't always come up with the best solutions. For example, a woman may turn to another man because she feels emotionally unfulfilled in her marriage or a man may turn to pornography because he feels sexually unfulfilled. These "solutions" obviously won't work and will only serve to create a deeper level of disconnection. When our mental, emotional, physical and spiritual needs are not being met, we become dissatisfied and unhappy. And when we're not happy, we tend to make other people unhappy, usually starting with our partner. We start putting expectations on them, and to make matters worse we expect them to know what we need without us having to tell them. Then when they don't meet our needs, we become resentful, and punish them by not meeting their needs. As a result we get further and further away from each other on all levels - mentally, emotionally, romantically, sexually and spiritually.

A good relationship should have a positive energy return. Think of it as 1 + 1 = 3, meaning we bring out the best in each other, we add value, we meet each other's needs, and together we become greater than the sum of our parts. Unfortunately when needs are not being met, the energy balance is in the negative (1 + 1= minus 2). When a relationship has a negative energy return, we usually feel helpless and hopeless as to how to turn things around.

If you're reading this, I am guessing you are in a place of self-awareness and self-discovery - you may be suffering, but you know there could be a more positive way to approach your intimate relationship, and you're looking for ways to re-connect with your partner on all levels. As it is with making any significant change, it requires honesty, commitment and a willingness to instill new practices into your relationship. I will give you strategies to help you feel more connected to your partner, however you need to think of it as a toolbox; if you merely let tools sit in the box, nothing will be fixed or created. The tools will simply collect dust. Therefore, I urge you to thoroughly complete the exercises provided. Be patient - and celebrate yourself (and your partner) at each step of the way.

So let's get started...

Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and odds are, trust will be broken in nearly every long-term relationship at some point. But it can be repaired provided that at least one of you is committed to breaking out of the relationship patterns that are not working for you. This can be hard work, especially if your spouse is not on board yet, but it is achievable. The urge to revert back old patterns may arise throughout this process, but if you're serious about getting your relationship back on solid ground, you need to consistently take action to create new relationship dynamics - these are the actions that serve to strengthen your connection and bring you closer together as a couple. At first, your partner may not trust your intentions, but over time and with consistency, trust levels will rise along with the feeling of connection.

Here are 5 exercises for you to get started:

1. On a sheet of paper, make a list of all of the things you are currently saying/doing that are disconnecting you from your partner;

2. Make another list of all of the things you are currently saying/doing that are strengthening the connection with your partner;

3. For the next 21 days, make a commitment to not doing any of the things on your "disconnection" list and to doing more on your "connection" list. Then write your commitment on three sticky notes and put them in places you see often throughout your daily life (e.g. on your closet door, on your bedroom lightswitch, on your computer).

4. For the next 21 days, do not talk about your relationship problems. In fact, I want you to take a sheet of paper and write down all of the problems in your relationship that you can think of. Then fold the paper and place it in a small box. Close the box and put it in a safe place. If your mind wanders back, simply remind yourself that your relationship problems are safely stowed away and do not give yourself permission to re-visit them until the end date. You may be wondering what's the point of putting your problems on hold. Well the point is that you can deal with problems much more effectively from a place of connection than from a place of disconnection. So instead of talking about problems or logistics (i.e. who is picking the kids up, deadlines at work, what's for dinner, etc), once a day, take the time to talk about your hopes and dreams, and to ask about your partner's.

5. Initiate at least 3 positive interactions per day - I.e a compliment, a supportive comment, or a show of affection - it doesn't matter as long as it is 100% positive. In other words, do not add a negative to a positive (i.e. I really love you, but wish you'd take out the trash). At least one of these interactions must be physical. For example, give your spouse second hug for a full 30 seconds at least twice per day (without back patting).

Fill-Me-Up Cards for Couples is a 21-day challenge for couples looking for some creative ideas on how to recharge their relationship. It is a fun game that encourages partners to share in the common goal of re-igniting passion and intimacy. Just imagine feeling connected to your spouse the way you once were!

Purchase at: http://www.fillmeupcards.com

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How To Kill A Relationship in Three Easy Ways

For those of you who often wonder why your partner wants out, I have tried to come up with three easy ways that will almost insure the destruction of a close relationship. They are, in no particular order: 1) Fill your relationship jar to the very top with sand; 2) park your car in your neighbor's garage; and 3) Cry "wolf" a lot.

Get two mason jars of equal size. Next to both place a half-gallon of sand and a half-gallon of pebbles that are approximately one half in diameter each. Using the first jar, fill it with sand all the way to the top. Gently shake it a bit, and refill it. Using the second jar, fill it with pebbles all the way to the top. Gently shake it and try to put a few more pebbles in it. Now back to the first jar. Try to put some of the pebbles in the jar. You can't! Using the second jar, carefully begin to sprinkle sand in, shaking gently as you go. You will be surprised how much sand you can get in. The jars represent your relationship issues. The sand represents minor issues, while the pebbles represent major issues. You see, if you fill your relationship jar with sand - minor issues- you have no room to put in pebbles - major issues. If you are constantly bringing up minor issues in your relationship, you will never have an opportunity to address major issues, which surely will kill the relationship.

Your neighbor has a wonderful looking garage. Your garage seems a little cluttered and you're getting tired of it, so why don't you just open the garage next door and park your vehicle? How do you think your neighbor would react? How do you think the people in your house would react? How would the rest of your neighbors react? DON'T park your car in someone else's garage. It will probably get really banged up, and the people in your house will not be very happy. It's called boundaries. Infidelity is one of the biggest relationship killers.

Remember that fairytale about the boy who cried wolf a lot? When the wolf really came, and he screamed wolf, nobody came, and he got eaten. Nobody trusted him anymore. No one could tell when he was telling the truth or when he was lying. Their trust in him had been violated. The result was that his relationship with others had vanished. Relationships are based, in large part, on mutual trust. Without trust there is instability. People become hypervigilant and are always suspicious. Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame on me. People don't like to feel duped. When you violate trust, you are ruining a relationship.

Unfortunately, some people not only do one of the above, but two or even all three. Of course, when you ask these people if they knew their behavior might cause a problem in their relationship, they will always tell you that they knew. However, if you ask them since they knew, why did they do those behaviors anyway, most will come up with an excuse best left in a cow pasture.

Much of life is filled with warning signs much like road signs: stop signs; dangerous curves; pedestrian crossing; speed limits; exit signs; etc. Much like driving, if you don't heed the message in those signs, you run the risk of mild to moderate to severe consequences, not only for you but also for others around you. Pay attention and heed life's warning signs. Your relationship will be so much healthier.

Dr. Yellen is a parent, former educator, and clinical and sports psychologist in private practice. He has appeared nationally television as well as giving commentary on local television and radio stations. He is the author of The Art of Perfect Parenting and Other Absurd Ideas, coauthor of Understanding the Learning Disabled Athlete and Social Facilitation in Action, and most recently the author of Love Shopping List, a partner to the Love Shopping List app ( http://www.loveshoppinglist.com ). He can be reached at (818) 360-3078 or by e-mail at docyellen@yellenandassociates.com

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1 in 3 adults admits to 'financial infidelity'

CHICAGO — One in three adults admitted to "financial infidelity" in a recent National Endowment for Financial Education poll, and 76 percent of those respondents said the deception affected their relationship. ("It meant nothing!" may be harder to get away with when "it" affects your credit score.) The national survey of 2,035 respondents age 18 and…

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It's rare to carry on with your sex life as if nothing happened after you discover that your spouse has had an affair. Although some couples will report that their sex life actually improved right after infidelity, this is the exception rather than the rule. Many couples struggle sexually. This is particularly true of the faithful spouse who can hesitate to be intimate after being betrayed and hurt so badly. Many people report feeling numb, detached, or flat.

A wife might say: "the biggest damage to our marriage because of my husband's affair is our sex life. The other woman was everything that I am not - young, thin, and beautiful. I don't want to tear myself down. I know that I am not ugly. I know that some people would consider me still attractive. But after nursing two children and having two pregnancies, my body can not compete with a young woman who is at her prime weight and who has never had children. I suspect that she was more adventurous and eager to please sexually. Plus, there was the aspect of surprise and newness with her. I can't compete with that either. My husband ended the affair as soon as I found out. He has done everything that I have requested of him. I do believe he is putting in a lot of effort. And I can't imagine that he would jump through all these hoops if he did not love me. I do believe that he loves me. But it is very hard for me to engage with him sexually. He seems into it and enthusiastic, but I wonder if this is only for my benefit. I will feel like I want to have sex, but then when it actually comes down to it, I find that I am basically just numb. I want to actively participate and to enjoy myself like I used to, but I find that my mind just wanders. Most of the time, I imagine my husband having sex with her. But other times, I find myself thinking about silly, mundane things like whether or not I paid my bill or when I am due for a teeth cleaning. Or, I'll worry about something to do with my kids. This hasn't been a huge problem with me in the past. Am I always going to feel numb like this when we have sex? Why is this happening? And how can I stop it?"

I'm not a therapist. I am answering this question as a wife who has been through this and gone through something similar. In my experience and opinion, sometimes, we shut down sexually when we have shut down emotionally. It is very hard to have great sex when you are not connected emotionally. Therefore, if your relationship is still struggling a little bit and is still not on solid ground, you might see your sex life being affected accordingly. It's understandable and it is normal. When you continue to heal and you regain that emotional connection, you will often find that your sex life greatly improves as well.

Here is another consideration. Many of us kind of detach and distance ourselves from our husband after he has an affair. We do this as a defense mechanism. We may not be consciously aware of it. But by distancing ourselves from him, we are trying to protect ourselves from being hurt. And this distance can seep into other areas of our life - like our sex life.

How do we begin to stop this? Well, we can start by trying to notice if (and when) we are doing it. Notice how you are when you're conversing with your spouse or spending time with him. If you find yourself only half way engaged, pay attention and ask yourself if you want to lean in just a little bit. Sometimes, you have to do this gradually because you are understandably reluctant to completely trust and you do not want to be hurt. Often, over time you will feel a little safer, engage a little more, and then retreat and watch again and repeat the process. Over time, you are no longer as guarded because you've learned that it's safe to trust. Watch yourself in this process and if you are not actively leaning in and giving a little more in time, ask yourself why. Figure out what hasn't been settled and address it.

Finally, mindfulness can greatly enhance sex in any circumstances. I know that it seems silly to compare sex to meditation. But the same type of mindfulness works with both. When you find your mind drifting, draw your attention to what is what in front of you. Notice your breath. Notice the feel of his hands on you. Notice exactly what is happening at that time. Don't be afraid to look at him and to really and truly take it all in. This is the easiest and fastest way to stop being numb. I know first hand that you have every right to want to numb yourself. You are afraid. You are reluctant. But if you want to experience all of the pleasures sexually then you have to be willing to be a little more vulnerable in other areas. And you have to be willing to take down the walls during sex and to experience it all.

Just like we had to build up our marriage after my husband's affair, we had to build up our sex life. It took repeated effort, but it was worth it. You can read more about that on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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