Wednesday, December 12, 2012

My Little Girl Remembers...

A couple of days ago, we found out that our next move will be to Virginia. Last night, at dinner, we started talking about when we'll put the house on the market, when to start looking for one in Virginia, and what we'll do if the house sells early.

During the affair, we had a very difficult time finding a rental home where we live now. This caused us to stay in hotels for many months.

We stayed in hotels while my husband was having an affair. During the affair, we had many arguments. My husband was in an affair fog, so he treated me awful. He also had panic attacks all the time. Finally, after driving 14 hours from his grandmother's house, it was a hotel that I found his clothes, her clothes, and the proof that I finally needed.

My daughter was with me through it all. She was 4 and a half years old.

Last night, as we started talking about the possibility that we would have to start staying in hotels again if the house sold early, she said...

"You mean we'll have to stay in hotels like when daddy had that other girl?"

My mouth dropped. She hasn't mentioned the affair in two years! I thought she forgot about it.

Now, I know really how traumatic it was for her... and I have a huge sadness in my heart and sickness in my stomach.

What made it even harder to stomach is that she started to cry...

My ...ugh...stupid, stupid, stupid, husband tried to console her by telling her that this move would be much better, but I could feel the anxiety she had inside.

My little girl... my baby. She remembers ... and it hurts her. :(

Later on, I hugged her really hard and told her that she can talk about anything that bothers her. She can bring things like that up because we do that in this family.

She didn't say anything else about it and even apologized for bringing it up. No... I don't want her to feel sorry. However, I wonder if she was really apologizing to herself for bringing out such a horrible memory for herself.

I'm so sad... I wish I had protected her more then. I wish I had shielded her from most of the chaos that went on.

As much as I wish for that, I also know that there was no way I could have, and that I can't shield her from everything. She does need to develop coping skills, and the way she does it is through crises.

I just remember holding that brand new baby in my arms. Looking at her with the greatest love I've ever felt and whispering in her ears, "I'll always protect you."

I couldn't protect her from my husband though. I couldn't protect her from my reactions to my husband. I couldn't shield her from the pain that infiltrated our family.

My husband feels really bad too. He wanted to talk about it last night, but I was really cautious about discussing it because I couldn't do it without tears in my eyes.

He asked me if I thought she needed counseling, and I told him that I didn't think so because she doesn't have any behavioral problems because of it, and she's usually a very happy little girl.

He asked if he should do anything about it. I told him that there wasn't anything going on now that was wrong. There's really no changes to make now that will make what happened then go away.

He did say that this move will have to be really fun for her. We'll have to ensure that it's as stress free as possible, so she doesn't associate moving with a nightmare. I do agree with that. Maybe... just maybe...if we can show her that not every move is daddy going off with some girl...she may start to forget.

Although, I am not sure I want her to forget. I'd rather her know what happened, see that it stopped, and know that it was wrong what her daddy did. I want her to learn from it, so she doesn't ever think that it's alright if God forbid she ever has to deal with such a horrible nightmare again.

I now feel like I may throw up. So, I'll end this now.