Saturday, June 28, 2014

Mourning the Death of my Wedding - Year 4

Today marks four years since the last time we celebrated our Anniversary. On the last day of our anniversary, my husband was emailing his girlfriend about how he didn't have much service where we were, so he wouldn't be able to email as much. We had gone to some island, watched the boats pass by with drinks, and had a dinner. We had left our kids with his grandmother... It was nice, except his thoughts on our anniversary weren't with me, they were with his girlfriend. My husband had a girlfriend. This is why we no longer celebrate our anniversary.

I'm crying as I write this because it's not fair to me. I should be able to celebrate this day. Be happy that we have been married for 11 years. I can't doesn't seem right. 11 years ago this day, he made a promise that he would not be unfaithful. We exchanged rings. Seven years later he was taking that ring off, so he could be unfaithful. He lied on that day... on this day 11 years ago.

I hate him for this....I really do. Of course, I could be thankful that I'm not divorced. I have my family here with me. I'm just so sad that I've lost that magic of our wedding day. I can't look at it as a special day of my life. I look at it as the day that turned into a lie, and it wasn't even my fault. I didn't do anything to deserve it.

I'll never be completely over the affair. It's four years later, and here I am crying in front of my computer like I did four years ago. It sucks...

I haven't said anything to my husband about this because he doesn't understand. He cheated and I suffer. That's been the common theme through this whole ordeal. I'm the one who has the issues. He just moves on as if he never did anything. What he gets sad about is that when his grandfather was dying, he didn't spend more time with him because he was gallivanting around with his slut. Does he get upset about the devastation I've been put through? No.

I went grocery shopping this evening. That's how I spent my Saturday night. He's watching the UFC fight. He's sensitive to me like that. Even though we don't celebrate it, he could have at least said, "Hey let's watch TV together tonight." He could have said something other than, "What are you doing for dinner tonight?" That was the last of it. I just said, "Well, I'm going grocery I guess you'll figure something out."

I guess I'll go wash my face and go to bed now. I just want this to end. The pain and sadness is just too much. No one understands....No one cares...No one knows. It's my personal struggle now. It's just me. It's lonely. It sucks.

I'll make it through though. This is part of my life. This is what has happened to me. I am better than what has happened to me. I may not be able to look back at my wedding and love it. I may not be able to say, "YAY my husband and I have been married for 11 years." I may never wear a wedding ring again. There's one thing I know I will do though...I will be okay. I've made it this far...

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Cheating, Cheating, Everyone is Cheating

Saturday was supposed to be my 11th wedding anniversary, but to me, it's just a reminder of the broken promises my stupid husband made to me. I'm getting rather irritated by it. It doesn't help that everywhere I look, people are cheating. Really? Why are people so stupid.

Did you hear that Kendra Wilkinson just found out her husband cheated on her while she was pregnant? It's an allegation, but it probably happened. Stupid idiot.

It's not just men, women are stupid too. Kendra's friend's husband just committed suicide. Why? Because Kendra's friend was cheating on him. I sure wish he didn't kill himself over it because he shouldn't have had to suffer a lost life because of his wife's stupidity.

People are stupid. I'm sorry, but they are. Why does anyone cheat? It's the stupidest thing ever. I hate it. I hate it so much.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Ugh...Whatever to Cheaters that Stay in their Cheater Relationship

Looked up my friend that cheated on her husband and left him. Definitely still with the guy she cheated on her husband with... Ugh. Yeah, totally wish they weren't together. It's BS.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Sad Thinking About a Friend

I'm up working late tonight. I sit remembering all the days I would sit and work until 1AM with my "work buddy." It was awesome. We met each other online because we both came across an opportunity that ended up not panning out. We remained connected and for years, we would chat with one another when we were working online.

This friend is kind of gone now. About two years ago, she ended up cheating on her husband. She didn't want to tell me because of course, it's what my husband did to me. She told me though, and I was doing alright with it.

After some time though, she stopped talking to me. I didn't know why, but I figured she just needed some time to figure things out in her marriage. Out of everyone, I know all about that...

A couple of months ago, I sent a random message to her online telling her that I was thinking of her. She replied to tell me that her and her husband were getting a divorce. That's all I know...

I miss her. I miss my other friend who left her husband for another man. I miss both of these friends. They were such huge parts of my life. Now, they are gone.

Sometimes, I wonder how my marriage is still moving forward when I've lost these two friendships because of infidelity (indirectly, I know). It just seems to ruin everything...

I'm so sad.... :( It's not fair. I never did anything and infidelity seems to keep hurting me.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Friend Marries - Reminder of Broken Vows

I've been to two good friend's wedding since D-Day, and actually, I was in them as a bridesmaid. Each time, I hate the wedding ring promises or vows. Probably because we made the same bullshit promises.

Yesterday, my friend and her husband who just married last weekend came to visit. Her husband keeps taking his ring off. I think it's because he's not used to wearing one. Instead if just ignoring it, I joked that he was going to end up losing it if he wasn't more careful with it.

My friend said she would never take her ring off. There was an eery silence and awkwardness that came from me and my stupid husband. Yep, we said the same thing, and I also said the only reason we would ever divorce is if one of us cheated. Well, wasn't I proven wrong.

My friend's husband then asked to see my husband's ring and well, that prompt the reveal that we don't wear rings. Again, awkwardness. I had to mumble and yeah, there's a reason for it.

My friend knows what happened and she probably told her husband. It's still not cool that I'm not normal. I don't say oh we just don't wear our rings because we don't like rings. No, we don't wear rings because my husband decided to have an affair.

It sucks...and what I did during the aftermath of the affair reveal still haunts me today. When I was trying to put my life back in order, I didn't talk to this friend for years. She brought this up at her rehearsal dinner, and how happy she was that we reconnected at the exact time she was getting married. We have been friends since we were 7 or 8. I cried like a baby because seeing how much I hurt her from hiding stirred up a lot of guilt in me. I couldn't stop crying....this was something I did and regret. I shouldn't have pushed people away. I wish I was stronger. Lesson learned for sure.

The affair aftermath is still going on 4 years from when it happened. 4 years ago my husband was actively psychotic. Am I glad we are at a point we are right now? I guess...Am I wishing it never happened? Definitely.

This scar will never go away. With every friend affected by infidelity and every one that commits it, I will feel the blow.

I hate two of my closest friends at that time have done the same to their husbands. I hate that newly married friends have to see my marriage as a scary reality. I hate that I can never say that my husband kept his promises to me. I hate that my mother was right about marriage and men. I hate that other people don't understand my pain.

4 years....and counting....