Saturday, June 28, 2014

Mourning the Death of my Wedding - Year 4

Today marks four years since the last time we celebrated our Anniversary. On the last day of our anniversary, my husband was emailing his girlfriend about how he didn't have much service where we were, so he wouldn't be able to email as much. We had gone to some island, watched the boats pass by with drinks, and had a dinner. We had left our kids with his grandmother... It was nice, except his thoughts on our anniversary weren't with me, they were with his girlfriend. My husband had a girlfriend. This is why we no longer celebrate our anniversary.

I'm crying as I write this because it's not fair to me. I should be able to celebrate this day. Be happy that we have been married for 11 years. I can't though...it doesn't seem right. 11 years ago this day, he made a promise that he would not be unfaithful. We exchanged rings. Seven years later he was taking that ring off, so he could be unfaithful. He lied on that day... on this day 11 years ago.

I hate him for this....I really do. Of course, I could be thankful that I'm not divorced. I have my family here with me. I'm just so sad that I've lost that magic of our wedding day. I can't look at it as a special day of my life. I look at it as the day that turned into a lie, and it wasn't even my fault. I didn't do anything to deserve it.

I'll never be completely over the affair. It's four years later, and here I am crying in front of my computer like I did four years ago. It sucks...

I haven't said anything to my husband about this because he doesn't understand. He cheated and I suffer. That's been the common theme through this whole ordeal. I'm the one who has the issues. He just moves on as if he never did anything. What he gets sad about is that when his grandfather was dying, he didn't spend more time with him because he was gallivanting around with his slut. Does he get upset about the devastation I've been put through? No.

I went grocery shopping this evening. That's how I spent my Saturday night. He's watching the UFC fight. He's sensitive to me like that. Even though we don't celebrate it, he could have at least said, "Hey let's watch TV together tonight." He could have said something other than, "What are you doing for dinner tonight?" That was the last of it. I just said, "Well, I'm going grocery shopping...so I guess you'll figure something out."

I guess I'll go wash my face and go to bed now. I just want this to end. The pain and sadness is just too much. No one understands....No one cares...No one knows. It's my personal struggle now. It's just me. It's lonely. It sucks.

I'll make it through though. This is part of my life. This is what has happened to me. I am better than what has happened to me. I may not be able to look back at my wedding and love it. I may not be able to say, "YAY my husband and I have been married for 11 years." I may never wear a wedding ring again. There's one thing I know I will do though...I will be okay. I've made it this far...

3 comments:

  1. Sending you hugs. You will make it through this. It definitely changed your life forever but try not to let it define your life. Wishing you the best !!

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  2. From now on you celebrate your anniversary WITHOUT the cheater! He didn't honor his vows, so he has nothing to celebrate. Think really hard about what you'd like for him to do for you, to show how sorry he is, and YOU do it for yourself. Be selfish, and don't give a damn how he feels about it! If he can show YOU he deserves recognition on that day, THEN include him. Until then, it's not his anniversary, it's yours!

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  3. You may be on to something here. You know, I may just start buying myself a gift on the anniversary. You know, because I am doing what I said I would do on that day. I promised to always be married to him and faithful, no matter what. I've kept my vows, so I should reward myself for that. Yay! Good idea. And thank you also to the previous commenter. I appreciate it. Your are SOOOO right too. It does not define my life. What I do defines my life, not what he does... !!!!! ;-)

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