Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Trigger Words Even After Two Years

I am so mentally f'd right now. Today, my cheater husband said something that really through me for a loop and made me land straight on my ass.

We were actually about to "get jiggy with it" and he called my chest "melons." Yeah well part of his mistress' email address had melons in it - squeezing them was also part of the email. Whatever she was small chested so I don't get it - however, that just about did it in for me.

I was like, "I can't believe you just said that." He had no clue what I was talking about until I had to yell "Hello - EMAIL?" Then he got it. Whatever he didn't even act like it was a big deal. STUPID IDIOT. You and your stupid use of the word melons.

Then later on, we were talking and he tells me the wedding we are going to isn't serving alcohol. But the groom is getting beer in a cooler for the reception dinner... He says he'll be drinking beer and I was like "Well, I guess I'll just hang out and not drink." He says something else STUPID - "What so I will just drink by myself?"

YEAH YOU IDIOT... I'm not like your mistress who loved to drink beer with you. HELLO - You've known me for how long? 12 years? You know I drink  liquor and wine -  that's it. Sorry I am not as COOL and FUN as your stupid mistress was and can just down any alcoholic beverage on earth. I'm not an alcoholic like her white trash ass.

So then he gets all huffy how I am taking things the wrong way. No, what I am doing is triggering because of your stupid words. Besides the fact we are about to go back to his grandmother's house. See, the last time I was at his grandmother's house was when I left to drive 14 hours to catch him cheating on me. So yes, I am entering a place where my last memory is telling his grandmother that I had to leave unexpectedly to "save his grandson". That was 2 years ago.

I hate this. And then add that we are going to a wedding...and I hate wedding but I hate marriage... yeah, this isn't a good time for me.

All because he cheated on me... that IDIOT.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

The Pain of Remembering the Events of the Affair

We found out this week we are moving. My husband is going to be promoted and now we wait for the military to tell us where we are going. We have been in our current location two years. This is where I found out the truth of my husband's infidelity.

I have a lot stirred up inside me right now. The feeling is "I don't want to do it."

If you know my story, my husband was having the affair during our move last time. It was a nightmare. Not only was I dealing with my husband's psychotic behaviors, we had nowhere to live for the whole summer.

We wanted to rent a house because we knew we wouldn't be here for long. There were no houses to rent here...well houses that didn't look like they were condemned.

The whole time we would go back and forth from his grandmother's house to here and back. He would send me to stay with my friend just so he could be with his whore. He would send me here to there with our two kids just so he could be with his whore. We had no place to live and all he cared about was having sex with her...even though we were still having sex in his psychotic ways.

So now, here I sit two years later approaching another move. I remember finding out about moving last time and think about how he was already having the affair. I think about how I was taken advantage of last time and I don't want to anything this time because of that. I was alone a lot during the last move. I took care of everything, while he was escaping from the reality of the move and his grandfather's death.

I had our two kids and a husband who told me almost everyday that he didn't know about us anymore and yelled at me over one thing or another. It was horrific.

I am a much different person now. Not so catering to him just to avoid a fight. I do what I want to do now and I a ma much happier person because of that.

I know that the move is good because this place holds a lot of memories. I pass the hotel I found out at almost everyday.

However, the move is bringing back memories and feeling that are really hard to swallow. It brings me back and I don't want to ever go back to that. The pain comes back. The agony....

I told my husband that I am not doing well and I don't know how I will get through this move. He asked me what he could do to make it easier on me. I told him that there was probably nothing he could really do....but then I thought....

Don't leave me alone. I was alone a lot during the last move. He left me .... I can't be alone again..even if it's to meeting the moving truck or just going to take care of business at our new location. I can't be in the car and seee myself the way I was two years ago....

If he can be with me through it all. If we do it all together...I may feel like I have a partner again. I may feel like I can trust him a little more because I haven't been left out in the cold.

This move may end up doing great things for our relationship. Or he could mess up and we will argue because I will grow anxious and bitter. Let's hope for the first....Time will only tell and I am scared.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

I'm Not Miserable - Just Over Analytical

I was talking to a good friend yesterday about my post. She mentioned that her mom had divorced when she was a kid. She also said that her mom was more miserable when married and it was better when she divorced.

I just wanted to tell everyone that I am not miserable. Not at all...

My husband isn't horrible to me....anymore. He has been trying really hard to make me happy. So it's not as thought I am miserble here.

I am happier with this situation than I would be divorced.

I think what my issue is that I look into things A LOT. When I look at my husband, I read between the lines all the time. I think about the AFFAIR.

If I didn't have this problem of over analyzing everything, I probably wouldn't feel so lost in it all. I would most likely feel as though I could let go.

It's just really hard to accept MY husband did this...even two years later.

I also appreciate my situation. It could have turned out so much worse. He could have said he didn't like me and never wanted to be with me again.

Then I would have had to deal with everything that comes with divorce. And I don't want that - I don't want that at all.

I will take what I have right now. I just wish it was wrapped with an affair.

He says so many times, "I wish I could turn the hands of time back."

And I always say..."Yeah...don't we all."

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Can Love Survive Cheating

I'm been having a hard time lately. I thought I was over the affair, but apparently, I am not. Frankly, I am pretty much done with dealing with it.

It makes me depressed to know that my husband didn't love me enough not to have an affair. I understand the whole story about how he had it because he was vulnerable due to his grandfather dying and all. However, I just believe that thhe love he has for me should have overcome that temptation. So that only brings me to one conclusion, he did not love me.

I do believe he loves me now, but for what reason? Because he did something awful and I am still here? Is that the reason? Well, that doesn't make me feel good at all because he doesn't love me for who I am but what I do for him.

I don't know if its possible to really have a good marriage after cheating. Or at least, I don't know if it's possible for me. I'm not saying I am going to leave him - I made my decision to come back and he has done everything right - but it's hard to imagine myself loving someone who cheated on me.

The emotions of it are gone. I don't get mad or sad about it. It's as if  the dust has been cleared and now I see the entire picture - and I don't like it.

What kind of person goes off and has a love relationship with someone for eight months while continuing to sleep with his wife? Who tells someone else they want to be with them forever, how they are his soulmate and perfect for him, but yet stays with his wife? What kind of person is able to commit adultery?

You know, my husband didn't just get drunk and sleep with someone. He had a relationship with someone. He sat there sexting her right in front of me. He sent me and the kids off places so he could be with her. He was desperate for her and would jerk me around like trash.

How can I love someone who did that?

I know God would want me to forgive. I know that. I'm having a really hard time doing that. I wonder what kind of person does that and if I can really be associated with someone like that. I thought he had much stronger moral conditions than that.

I don't respect him because of it. I don't see him the same. My love isn't reinstating as I hope it would have. I love my kids though and I have to be with them to survive. It may be the only thing that gets me through this...

Till next time - I'll be writing a lot more.  I am going through bad times again and it's been 2 years. Oy.