Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Can Love Survive Cheating

I'm been having a hard time lately. I thought I was over the affair, but apparently, I am not. Frankly, I am pretty much done with dealing with it.

It makes me depressed to know that my husband didn't love me enough not to have an affair. I understand the whole story about how he had it because he was vulnerable due to his grandfather dying and all. However, I just believe that thhe love he has for me should have overcome that temptation. So that only brings me to one conclusion, he did not love me.

I do believe he loves me now, but for what reason? Because he did something awful and I am still here? Is that the reason? Well, that doesn't make me feel good at all because he doesn't love me for who I am but what I do for him.

I don't know if its possible to really have a good marriage after cheating. Or at least, I don't know if it's possible for me. I'm not saying I am going to leave him - I made my decision to come back and he has done everything right - but it's hard to imagine myself loving someone who cheated on me.

The emotions of it are gone. I don't get mad or sad about it. It's as if  the dust has been cleared and now I see the entire picture - and I don't like it.

What kind of person goes off and has a love relationship with someone for eight months while continuing to sleep with his wife? Who tells someone else they want to be with them forever, how they are his soulmate and perfect for him, but yet stays with his wife? What kind of person is able to commit adultery?

You know, my husband didn't just get drunk and sleep with someone. He had a relationship with someone. He sat there sexting her right in front of me. He sent me and the kids off places so he could be with her. He was desperate for her and would jerk me around like trash.

How can I love someone who did that?

I know God would want me to forgive. I know that. I'm having a really hard time doing that. I wonder what kind of person does that and if I can really be associated with someone like that. I thought he had much stronger moral conditions than that.

I don't respect him because of it. I don't see him the same. My love isn't reinstating as I hope it would have. I love my kids though and I have to be with them to survive. It may be the only thing that gets me through this...

Till next time - I'll be writing a lot more.  I am going through bad times again and it's been 2 years. Oy.

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