The Natural Progression of Marriage after the Affair

Well, tonight I saw the next stage of what we will be working on in the marriage. My husband's uninvolvement in the children. The kids have been pretty mean to my husband lately. He picked up our daughter from school and said, "Oh, is it just you?" Then he said he would put our son to bed tonight and he kicked, spit and yelled for me the entire time. The kids prefer me over him but I have been their primary caregiver the second they have been born. It's only natural for them to want me. Now that he wants to be involved, they aren't comfortable with that.

He got really upset about it all. He started vented and I tried to help him by giving him suggestions but he didn't want to hear them. So I said, "Well, what is the point of sitting here venting if you don't ever want to stop the problem you are having with them?" "If you want to have a better relationship with them,  you have to start being a part of their life." He of course wanted to make excuses for his actions in the past but I wouldn't allow it. You can't excuse they way he was before. All you can do now is treat them  the way he should have always treated them ....just like he is treating me now.

I made the suggestion that every night I would cut out of the house, take a walk, go get some coffee or something like that so he can put our son to bed and spend some time with our daughter. That will be the quality time he should have with them and get them more comfortable with him putting them  to bed. AND BONUS...me some time alone.

I am glad that he is actually going to take steps to change it now... and it bothers him enough to make a change because before....he just didn't care enough...he would just distance himself even more...so much that it lead him to an affair.

Some of the things he said to me during his venting was:

"You don't understand how it is to be away from the kids for months at a time..."

"You don't understand what it's like for them to never want you"

"You don't understand how it feels to have them ignore you"

As you can see, there is a theme here. The reasons why he feels this way is because the times he was away, the kids didn't have him around...they only had me. He never would ask to speak to them when he would call...and he doesn't now no matter how much I tell him that he should at least say hello to them. And when he used to come home after long deployments? He would be so distant.....he would just sit on the couch and wouldn't play with them or involve himself with us. So it was like we were by ourselves....yes, this was way before the affair. He basically couldn't deal with the pain of being away from us so he just cut himself emotionally from us so he wouldn't have to feel the pain. ... I said to him (as much as it hurt him)

"Your pain is paining them....."

So true....all around....

The Good News and The Bad News

The slut mobile is gone....and I lost my job.

Yes, we sold the truck last night. The one that my cheater would drive his slut around in during their little get togethers. I was not sad to see it go. BYE BYE SLUT MOBILE.  I never did sit in the passenger seat again after I knew she had sat on it. Glad to know I will never have to either. Another trigger out of my life...YAY.

In other news, I lost my job last Friday. Yep, just like that. I'm actively seeking other employment now. But I can't help but think what if I was divorced right now? Of course, I am going to apply for unemployment, and maybe I would be okay financially? I am not sure..... but it scares me....and makes me sad to think that I still don't trust my cheater to think that it could be tomorrow that he decides he doesn't want to be with me again.

Then you have the whole situation of how life is really teaching me a hard lesson...I may have something today but that doesn't mean it will be here tomorrow. Something you have could be taken from you just like that. I loved my job...of course, finally I love my job and for the first time in my life I get laid off because of the company's lack of funds to pay us (almost everyone was let go...). <sigh>

But how does this relate to infidelity you may wonder? Well, besides the fact that I relate to the possibility that I could be dealing with this as a single divorced woman. My husband has been trying his best and doing a good job being supportive to me. He even saw the shrink to find out how to best help me in this bad time. Kudos to him.... I knew there was a reason I came and stayed and why I love him... I just knew there was a reason....

Numb Beats Pain Any Day

I'm ringing in the second year of affair healing feeling numb. I.don't know if it's just exhaustion from the trauma of the memories, lack of sleep or a combination of both. All I know is that feeling nothing is much better than feeling the agony I felt this weekend.

I Shocked the Counselor

After we got back from Virginia, I had an individual appointment with our marriage/individual counselor. Good thing too because in two days is the anniversary of D-Day.

I talked through tears about all of the abuse my husband put me through. I told him how he would send me and the kids away so he could go off with his slut for the weekend. How he would say horrible things to me and the kids. Yell at us, make us feel like the worst people in the world and just be plain cruel. The specific events that I told my counselor were shocking to him....

I just kept asking him "Who does that?' "What kind of person does all these cruel things to someone and then says that he loves the person?" He had no answers for me. He just reflected my questions back to me... good old counseling trick. I just kept saying, I don't know....

I then said, "Why am I here?" Now, a year later when I reflect on all of the crap he put me and the kids through, I cannot believe I am still standing here, next to him, saying that I love him...and not only saying it but feeling it. What is wrong with me?

The counselor again asked me, "Why am I here...." He made sure to say that it wasn't that he was questioning me, it was more of asking for the reason of why I am here.......I had no answers.

I cried for the whole session...at the end, he couldn't believe the same man that sat in the seat next to me was the one who did all these things to me and the kids. He couldn't believe the nightmare I went through last summer. Not only did he cheat on me, but he emotional abused me and the kids right in the middle of a major move from one state to another with no place to live ...for months.

No one should have ever been treated like that.... I still can't believe I was treated that way - I can't believe I made it out of it too ... I wouldn't have ever thought I would have...

Counseling Back ON...for now.

My husband has a tendency to haggle me when he knows something bothers me so we had...DING DING DING...Round TWO this morning. I told him that he said he would never disappoint me again but he just did with his plans to quit therapy.

He then said he never said he wouldn't go back. That's just false. But he said he didn't mean to say it and that he is planning to go back. Of course, it's just his way of saying, okay so I couldn't get away with it so I will say that I never meant to never go again.

Tears were shed, hugs were given and all is right in the world again...for now.

Living Life Waiting for the Storm

My husband tried to make up to me last night by washing my car for me. Then he came and hugged and kissed me. He said he was sorry but didn't say he was going to counseling. I told him that I am still upset with him ...but it's more of disappointment. I never really got my hopes up about him going to counseling because I know him...but this just confirmed my thoughts.

So now I feel like I am just waiting for the storm to hit. I know how he becomes when he is under stress. He did not learn effective coping skills like he should have in counseling...when we were going to marriage counseling the counselor continued to say he was a work in progress. However, now  that he has decided not to go, that work in progress will never end and I am the one that is going to deal with the repercussions.

I used to fear the time when his grandfather would pass away. Rightfully so, as we all have seen what has happened. Now, I fear the passing of his grandmother. His grandmother is his biggest fan and is the one that has created this gold standard for him. When she passes, he won't have that back up anymore and I believe he will fall again. I know he will fall again. No one ever believes what I say (learned that from experience) but it always come out that I am right when it comes to these things.

So here is the problem though. He has cracked me so incredibly bad and even though I know I am strong...I am also at a breaking point. Even if she doesn't pass for a few more years, I think the affair will continue on with me forever and will push me over the edge when he does whatever he does to cope with his grandmother's passing. I can't take the abuse from him again. I won't take it again.

All I can do is live life waiting for the storm... and only hope that I am wrong.

Not going to counseling anymore...WHAT?!

So I woke up this morning in a pretty good mood. The kids were being good, I had the cleaning itch and was able to get it all done with some assistance from the cheater after he woke up around 9:30.

We decided to go out for lunch and as we were driving there, the cheater says this:

Cheater: Dr. S (our individual/marriage counselor) must wonder what happened to us.
Me: Yeah, I know.
Cheater: He did a good job with us.
Me: Huh? Are you not going anymore?
Cheater: Well, I don't need to...do you think I need to?
Me: Yes.
Cheater: I don't see us having any time to go. Why do you think we need to go?
Me: Because you haven't even started to work on issues.
Cheater: What do you mean by that? What do you mean I have issues... You just offended me.
Me: Oh boy...

And off went the races... Apparently, I am the mean one here. I ended up having him take me home because we were getting nowhere and it pissed him off even more when I said, "You know what? It's your choice...you have your choice and I have mine. Always remember I have a choice."

My husband was cheating on my a year ago...and he thinks he is fine. He hasn't worked through shit in counseling because he keeps having to leave on the boat. So the therapist can't get down to anything plus the fact that he is closed up with a steal trap door.

I know where this will go...He has already started to slow down on his let me make it up to my wife thing and he has even started yelling at me again. Yep, it's all coming back...as I knew it would.

He can't stand for anyone to tell him that he needs help. His almightyness that has been instilled in him does not allow him to hear otherwise....His coping skills are still horrible so someday if he decides to cheat or do some other stupid thing, well that's his choice...and I will have mine.

You know he said he would never disappoint me again...but he just did.

The Wonder of Internal Protection

My husband arrived shortly after my discovery of the reason why I have had so much trouble sleeping the last few nights. See my last post. I wasn't doing well. I could tell I was being pulled into the past..into last year. My husband, of course, was so excited to see me and it took everything for me to get a smile out. Finally, I just told him that I couldn't do this and that I wasn't doing well. He was put off by it and said, "I understand you don't want to be around me right now." But that wasn't it, I did want to be around him. I couldn't deal with this on my own. He ended up holding me as I cried like a little baby saying how I don't know how I got through last year…I just don't know. I must have been someone else, that was the only way I did it. That I couldn't go through the same thing again…I just couldn't. He comforted me and then I had a realization.
It's interesting how I realized what I have been internally upset about all week right before he got home. Almost as if my subconscious was protecting me… it wouldn't let me see what I was struggling with until I had someone who could take care of me. It knew that the pain would I bear would be too much on my own. Maybe it also wanted to show me that even though my husband was the one person who couldn't console me before…may be the one person that I really need now. Is it possible that the one person who hurt me so much be the one person who can heal me?

The Approach of D-Day Anniversary

While I am not thinking about the affair as much as I used to and I'm not feeling the rage and sadness I once felt, I have a feeling my subconscious is working through it by itself. I suffer from Restless Leg Syndrome - I have had it all of my life but they get bad during stress and pregnancy. Well, for the past three nights I've only slept three hours each night. They are so crazy!

Sometimes, I will fall asleep and all of a sudden I will wake up. I'm left with this eery feeling of something like I had just had a dream that I can't remember. So then I started to think, what if this is all coming from the dum dum dum "anniversary".

This time last year, I was on the verge of divorce because my husband was crazy telling me that he didn't know if he wanted to be with me and the kids anymore. I broke out of a contract for a house we were going to buy because of that. <Now, that I am writing this, I realize that that is what is going on inside me because yes, this was the time> We were on the fence if we should even get a place to live together because I flat out said I would not buy a house with him with our relationship this rocky.

He went off on the boat (he's in the military) for a week and while he was away I asked him what we were going to do "Was I looking for a house for me and the kids or looking for a house for me, him and the kids" and he said for all of us. Now, remember, I have been struggling for months at this point, having a gut feeling he was still seeing her but couldn't prove it because we were in the middle of moving across states.

You know what? If you're a regular reader, come back, because I will tell you what happens each week last year on my blog. This is it - this is the end of the road last year when I was approaching the truth. It's a nightmare that came true and looking back now... it sends shivers down my spine - my life... how could have gotten so out of control? How could the man who was supposed to take care of me and our kids, support us and never hurt us, leave us in such a horrible situation. No where to live... no where to go... all because of him....and here I am waiting for him to come home tonight after being away on the boat for a week... I simply can't believe that I am still here...I really can't.

Affair Nightmare Continues

Just as I think I am getting better, memories get stirred up to remind me that I am not healed yet and I still have a long way to go.

I agreed to do a story on cheating by reviewing a book that discusses what you should look for when you suspect your partner is cheating, what to do after you find out and how to move on from it. I read the entire book tonight. The whole book was like taking a trip back to everything I've been through ...even the moving on part. I can't believe my life is an entire infidelity book...

I can't sleep now (it's almost 1:30 AM) from just thinking about everything I went through when I knew he was cheating on me. I read that there is a program you can install on a computer that tracks keystrokes so you can see what someone is doing on a computer - oh why didn't I know about that then. ...Or maybe it wasn't meant for me to know then. I believe everything happens for a reason...maybe if I had found out anytime sooner, I wouldn't be where I am today.

It just makes me so sad looking back at how he treated me through the whole ordeal. I wish I hadn't allowed him to treat me and the kids so badly for so long.

I think about his relationship with his slut and how they must have been so loving to one another. How can you say that it meant nothing? And why is that every man who cheats says that? Kinda makes you wonder how real it is... Or when I read that cheaters usually grovel back and beg you not to leave - how genuine is it if every one does it?

Some days I want to believe that he really does love me but there's always that "but why..." It's torture...it really is...I'm sure the slut really thought that he was going to leave me for her. I am sure that he thought the same at times...which crushes me. I hate this nightmare... I want to wake up.

Celebrate Anniversary after Affair?

Phew... Thank goodness it's almost over...

All in all, I did pretty good today. I actually like not celebrating the anniversary because it joins my mind and heart a little more. If I haven't said before, I feel like my mind says, "Shame on you for staying with him after he betrayed you in the worst way!" but my heart says, "You love him and you know he loves you...why turn away from that?" I really think this not being married thing (legally we still are) is really what is working for me...

It's doesn't work for everyone though - my husband grandmother sent a text today to wish us a Happy Anniversary. I responded politely saying that we don't celebrate it anymore because "broken vows = broken marriage = no anniversary" She wrote back and said that it's a celebration of us finding each other. Can't agree with that because that would be in November then...which is when we met.

In my opinion, anniversaries are a celebration of the day that you stood before God and made a promise to be with one another (and only one another) for as long as you both shall live. Now, that promise was broken by him...so that day is basically a lie and is dissolved. All the meaning of that day has been taken away from me because he did not live up to his vows.

I mean it's fine with me not having the anniversary - I would rather just throw the wedding photos away too. They mean nothing now...it used to mean a lot to me... it was one of the most special days of my life - and now, it's just blah.

Oh and I forgot to mention that my husband's grandmother started on her spiel about forgiveness... this has nothing to do with forgiveness - it has to do with the fact that the day is not special anymore - I mean what if I forgive him - does that make the vows sacred again? Not really...I mean they were still broken. I just don't get it...

Okay, so I want to know - how many of you would still celebrate your anniversary and why?

This Time Last Year

This time last year, my husband was waking up texting his slut about how much he loves her. Then turning to me to tell me how much he loves me and wishing me a Happy Anniversary. This was the day I got married 8 years ago... That day was such an awesome day. I remember being so ready but yet so sick to my stomach because I knew how big the day was. I never doubted I wanted to marry him...however, I wish I could have seen into the future.

I'm trying to deal with today by acting like it is any other day. That's what this day is now so I better accept it and just take it for what it is...no longer a special day.

Valentine's Day Alone but Together

My husband is away right now. I could have driven the two hours to meet his boat with the kids in tow but it would have been too much on them and me. Our babysitter is in high school so it's not like she could have babysat into the late hours of the night. So, today, I spent Valentine's Day without my husband. I am fine with that. I am a military wife and that is one of the things I do.

However, my husband and I spent hours talking on the phone tonight. Not something out of the ordinary. We are pretty good communicators. We click in that way. We can talk and talk and always find something more to talk about. At the foundation of our relationship we have friendship...and it may be the only thing holding us together ...well, along with the kids.

Tonight, his friends asked if he wanted to  go out with them. They know what the answer will be because after the affair discovery I told him that I would not stand by while he went off with his friends like he said he was doing before or like he did before...we have no trust right now and well, God knows what he could be doing while out with them. I'll tell you, I got a little nervous him being docked in a city...I started conjuring up stories that his little slut mate was driving there to meet him for the night after 6 months away.

Anyway, my point is this, my husband answered this to his friends who tried to get him to go with them: It's Valentine's Day, how fair is it that my wife stays home tonight with the kids and I go out drinking with you fools?

Mind you, some of them are married themselves. They just shrugged and walked away. At least, finally, my husband is making sense out of situations. It just sucks that it took an affair to get him to see the light...

Infidelity Rage Has Turned to Infidelity Sadness

I've been having a time lately. It seems as though I have lost my rage. However, now, it's more like sadness. But it's not like I am just sad, I am done right depressed over it. The realization that my husband cheated on me makes me feel so low. You would have thought that I would have already realized the sadness in my husband's infidelity but I think the rage was just more powerful and pushed the sadness aside so it could show it's ugly head. Now the rage is exhausted and the sadness has finally been able to peak through.

I've had some trouble sleeping next to my husband at night. It's not something I've decided not to do, it's just that when I sleep next to him, I spend most of the night thinking of the affair. However, when he is away on the boat or I move to the couch, my thoughts ease and I am able to drift off to sleep. I sleep rather well too. However, if I happen to fall asleep next to him, I have nightmares or wake up several  times a night. It's as though his aura infiltrates my being and I just am not at peace. I am not sure what has changed but this is something new.

The other night, my husband confronted me about it because it hurts him that I keep sleeping on the couch. Okay, buddy, THAT hurts you? Try being a victim of infidelity. But anyway, I crashed and told him. Then I proceeded to sob harder than I have ever sobbed before. Oh I was such a mess. Dang, how different than what I have been like about the affair. Usually, I am so rageful that I could burn the house done...now, I just melt into the floor in devastation.

I guess it's another part of the process of infidelity recovery. It's so weird to see myself progressing through different stages and not even trying. I just hope that I come out of this without permanent damage mentally or emotionally...

Nightmares About the Affair

Last night was just plain bad. I had two horrible nightmares. I caught my husband cheating on me again with the same person, which meant that the affair never ended. The only great thing about the dream was that I got to speak to her and ask her a ton of questions. Many of her answers were different from what my husband has told me and when I look over at him since he was still in the room, he confirmed that she was telling the truth.

I also got a chance to tell her a little about my marriage and how it wasn't as bad as she probably told herself to make her immoral acts justified. She was surprised that we were intimate as much as we were and that we were telling each other how much we loved one another and that we truly were best friends.

Don't get me wrong...I was devastated in the dream finding out that he has been lying to everyone including our therapist.

The second dream may have been a continuation of the first. My husband decided to leave me and continue his relationship with his mistress. I left with the kids and I saw her at the front door waiting to go inside the house with him.

I understand my dreams are just part of the process. They reflect my fears about the affair as well as some of the things I need to get off my chest. I just hope with time I'm able to sleep soundly and at peace.

Dreaming About the Affair

Lately, I have been having some really crazy and upsetting dreams. Some don't make any sense at all because they are just me doing things I usually do such as going to McDonald's for an ice coffee with caramel. Actually, many of them are about food, which is weird. While that isn't the disturbing part (it's actually the nicer part of the dreams since it's like eating all night without the calories), it is followed by some sort of affair related material.

Last night, someone came into my bedroom (which didn't look like my bedroom in the dream) and found a large stack of photos of my husband and his mistress. As the person went through each photo, it was like a slideshow of the photos I saw in my husband's secret email account and then some ones that my mind made up. It was killing me to look at them but I could not look at them.

See that's the difference between your daytime thoughts and night ones. You can somewhat control the ones you have during the day but you can't really at night. Your mind is free to think about whatever it desires and you can't tell it to shut up.

Since I have been having them for a while now, I have calmed down my reaction to them. At first, I would be disgruntle all day dealing with the emotional aftermath. Now, I tell myself it was a dream and try my hardest to push the images out of my head. Thankfully, if I don't dwell on it too long, I sometimes forget what they are about.

I did wake up my husband to tell him that I had a bad dream. I wasn't interested in talking about it but I needed to release some of the tension and of course, make him feel bad that I was having yet, another nightmare about his stupidity. It's just another stab...I know. However, if it makes me feel better, and he is committed to our marriage, he will be able to deal with it.

Dealing with 'What Could Have Been'

I talked about this a little in my last post about how my husband doesn't deserve being with me and the kids but I guess I just have to write about it again because I am really not doing well right now.

As I sit here and think about Thanksgiving, I can't get the visions of that night in the hotel after I discovered the truth of my husband's infidelity. My kids in the king size bed as I paced thinking about how we would have to share the kids on holidays and weekends etc. etc. How Thanksgiving would come too quick and wondered if it would be my first one alone without the kids or if it would Christmas.

Now I sit here with my family, who used to be picture perfect and I feel like it's all fake. We're going to have the traditional Thanksgiving dinner and the kids are all excited. However, it's like a black cloud is sitting over us that won't leave me alone. I can't shake the feeling that maybe this shouldn't be this way. Maybe I was weak and should have gone through with the separation...after all, he cheated on me for EIGHT months.

I picture myself in an apartment with the kids like I did a lot after I found out. I don't see it as so bad but I don't see it better than where I am now. I'm so conflicted. I know this is better in the end if we can repair the damage in our marriage but really...this is all so hard. I feel trapped...dealing with infidelity sucks and divorce sucks too. I'm so... sad...mad...confused.

Infidelity's Impact On Children

I HATE that my daughter and son had to be with me when I found out about my husband's physical affair. I was so enraged that I had no control over what I said in front of them and that pains me.

The night my daughter was born, I held her close and told her that I would protect her. I just didn't fulfill that promise that night. Before you think I am a horrible mother putting my kids in the middle of this, know that I didn't really know what I was walking into that night (I had suspicion that I was trying to prove wrong to myself) and we were in the process of moving to a faraway town away from friends and family, which is where I went to "surprise" him. Instead of finding an empty room with only his stuff (he was out watching the UFC fight) I found her stuff there as well.

After finding out about the affair, my husband did not handle it well, especially in front of the kids. He would throw himself on the floor, wail, and throw up. He was a mess and it happened on more then a half a dozen times.

My daughter who is 4 experienced this drama. Last night, she revealed some disturbing thoughts about my husband's throwing up and how he was going to jail. She had tears in her eyes...she also thought my son and I were going to leave too. This broke my heart... She is in so much pain and I didn't protect her from it.

After talking things out with her and reassuring her, I brought this up to my husband. He was concerned but for some reason (probably because I did have those pent up emotions from the night before) I could not hold my anger towards him inside. Not only has he scorned me, he also scorned our children. Scared them and threatened the security they once felt so strongly. Motherly instinct is one of most powerful motivaters when it comes to protecting the well being of your children.

I suppose my rage mostly comes from wanting him to know the depths of how horrible he has treated us. The next time he even looks at another woman, I want him to remember how bad this was and how he never wants to ever live through it or something worse again. I hope my rage will be enough to scare him straight.....

Cheating Husband's Song for Me

I am not always full of rage, sometimes I feel hopeful. So for the sake of not sounding like I am always a bitch, I would like to share something sweet my husband has dedicated to me. I won't even point out that his girlfriend used to find songs for him all the time and now he's all about finding meaningful songs for me (eeerrr). ;-)

So yes, he has dedicated the song Just the Way You Are by Bruno Mars to me. Listen to it:

Recovering from Infidelity: The Emotional Roller Coaster Is Going Down

Photographer: Francesco Marino

Anytime my cheating husband has to go off on his boat for a week, I feel myself slipping back into the infidelity hole. He's been gone 5 days today and I have fallen into depression again.

I wasn't able to sleep last night again (second night in a row). All I do when I am asleep is dream about them together and when I wake up, I am stricken with grief. I understand that whole perception that if he's with me, he really wants to be with me, but I can't let go of the fact that he did choose her over me at one time. At a time, when I really should have been the one he turned to when he was so low. I feel like I failed and I couldn't be what he needed me to be...

He says that there was nothing I could do. He had to be gone from me and the kids during the worst time in his life and nothing I could have done would have made it better. He says that he should have listened to me when I pleaded that he make a plea to stay behind when that ship took off for those three months...should of, would of, could of....what happened, happened and now we are stuck in the aftermath of it all.

I also know I shouldn't let myself feel like a victim, but I can't help it when all I can think about is how my marriage wasn't supposed to be this way. It wasn't supposed to take this hard of hit. Of course marriages go through bad times, I just didn't think I would have been fine one minute and at the door of divorce the next. It scares me... my life could be completely different right now, if I hadn't come back to him.

Another thought goes through my mind...what if he cheats on me again? What if he really isn't done with her? What if he's just gotten smarter? I know...don't "what if". I am so scared though...I'm scared that tomorrow may be the end of my marriage.