Tuesday, August 30, 2011

The Natural Progression of Marriage after the Affair

Well, tonight I saw the next stage of what we will be working on in the marriage. My husband's uninvolvement in the children. The kids have been pretty mean to my husband lately. He picked up our daughter from school and said, "Oh, is it just you?" Then he said he would put our son to bed tonight and he kicked, spit and yelled for me the entire time. The kids prefer me over him but I have been their primary caregiver the second they have been born. It's only natural for them to want me. Now that he wants to be involved, they aren't comfortable with that.

He got really upset about it all. He started vented and I tried to help him by giving him suggestions but he didn't want to hear them. So I said, "Well, what is the point of sitting here venting if you don't ever want to stop the problem you are having with them?" "If you want to have a better relationship with them,  you have to start being a part of their life." He of course wanted to make excuses for his actions in the past but I wouldn't allow it. You can't excuse they way he was before. All you can do now is treat them  the way he should have always treated them ....just like he is treating me now.

I made the suggestion that every night I would cut out of the house, take a walk, go get some coffee or something like that so he can put our son to bed and spend some time with our daughter. That will be the quality time he should have with them and get them more comfortable with him putting them  to bed. AND BONUS...me some time alone.

I am glad that he is actually going to take steps to change it now... and it bothers him enough to make a change because before....he just didn't care enough...he would just distance himself even more...so much that it lead him to an affair.

Some of the things he said to me during his venting was:

"You don't understand how it is to be away from the kids for months at a time..."

"You don't understand what it's like for them to never want you"

"You don't understand how it feels to have them ignore you"

As you can see, there is a theme here. The reasons why he feels this way is because the times he was away, the kids didn't have him around...they only had me. He never would ask to speak to them when he would call...and he doesn't now no matter how much I tell him that he should at least say hello to them. And when he used to come home after long deployments? He would be so distant.....he would just sit on the couch and wouldn't play with them or involve himself with us. So it was like we were by ourselves....yes, this was way before the affair. He basically couldn't deal with the pain of being away from us so he just cut himself emotionally from us so he wouldn't have to feel the pain. ... I said to him (as much as it hurt him)

"Your pain is paining them....."

So true....all around....


  1. This post was very timely. My husband is reading "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair". After reading 3 other books together and discussing each one, he's finally really "getting it". I can't recommend this book enough. His behavior is already changing and he's so much more proactive at helping me struggle through all this garbage.

  2. How are you doing? It's been a long time since you posted.

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