Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The Approach of D-Day Anniversary

While I am not thinking about the affair as much as I used to and I'm not feeling the rage and sadness I once felt, I have a feeling my subconscious is working through it by itself. I suffer from Restless Leg Syndrome - I have had it all of my life but they get bad during stress and pregnancy. Well, for the past three nights I've only slept three hours each night. They are so crazy!

Sometimes, I will fall asleep and all of a sudden I will wake up. I'm left with this eery feeling of something like I had just had a dream that I can't remember. So then I started to think, what if this is all coming from the dum dum dum "anniversary".

This time last year, I was on the verge of divorce because my husband was crazy telling me that he didn't know if he wanted to be with me and the kids anymore. I broke out of a contract for a house we were going to buy because of that. <Now, that I am writing this, I realize that that is what is going on inside me because yes, this was the time> We were on the fence if we should even get a place to live together because I flat out said I would not buy a house with him with our relationship this rocky.

He went off on the boat (he's in the military) for a week and while he was away I asked him what we were going to do "Was I looking for a house for me and the kids or looking for a house for me, him and the kids" and he said for all of us. Now, remember, I have been struggling for months at this point, having a gut feeling he was still seeing her but couldn't prove it because we were in the middle of moving across states.

You know what? If you're a regular reader, come back, because I will tell you what happens each week last year on my blog. This is it - this is the end of the road last year when I was approaching the truth. It's a nightmare that came true and looking back now... it sends shivers down my spine - my life... how could have gotten so out of control? How could the man who was supposed to take care of me and our kids, support us and never hurt us, leave us in such a horrible situation. No where to live... no where to go... all because of him....and here I am waiting for him to come home tonight after being away on the boat for a week... I simply can't believe that I am still here...I really can't.


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