Wednesday, March 21, 2012

The Pain of Remembering the Events of the Affair

We found out this week we are moving. My husband is going to be promoted and now we wait for the military to tell us where we are going. We have been in our current location two years. This is where I found out the truth of my husband's infidelity.

I have a lot stirred up inside me right now. The feeling is "I don't want to do it."

If you know my story, my husband was having the affair during our move last time. It was a nightmare. Not only was I dealing with my husband's psychotic behaviors, we had nowhere to live for the whole summer.

We wanted to rent a house because we knew we wouldn't be here for long. There were no houses to rent here...well houses that didn't look like they were condemned.

The whole time we would go back and forth from his grandmother's house to here and back. He would send me to stay with my friend just so he could be with his whore. He would send me here to there with our two kids just so he could be with his whore. We had no place to live and all he cared about was having sex with her...even though we were still having sex in his psychotic ways.

So now, here I sit two years later approaching another move. I remember finding out about moving last time and think about how he was already having the affair. I think about how I was taken advantage of last time and I don't want to anything this time because of that. I was alone a lot during the last move. I took care of everything, while he was escaping from the reality of the move and his grandfather's death.

I had our two kids and a husband who told me almost everyday that he didn't know about us anymore and yelled at me over one thing or another. It was horrific.

I am a much different person now. Not so catering to him just to avoid a fight. I do what I want to do now and I a ma much happier person because of that.

I know that the move is good because this place holds a lot of memories. I pass the hotel I found out at almost everyday.

However, the move is bringing back memories and feeling that are really hard to swallow. It brings me back and I don't want to ever go back to that. The pain comes back. The agony....

I told my husband that I am not doing well and I don't know how I will get through this move. He asked me what he could do to make it easier on me. I told him that there was probably nothing he could really do....but then I thought....

Don't leave me alone. I was alone a lot during the last move. He left me .... I can't be alone again..even if it's to meeting the moving truck or just going to take care of business at our new location. I can't be in the car and seee myself the way I was two years ago....

If he can be with me through it all. If we do it all together...I may feel like I have a partner again. I may feel like I can trust him a little more because I haven't been left out in the cold.

This move may end up doing great things for our relationship. Or he could mess up and we will argue because I will grow anxious and bitter. Let's hope for the first....Time will only tell and I am scared.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Share your thoughts!