Sunday, June 8, 2014

Friend Marries - Reminder of Broken Vows

I've been to two good friend's wedding since D-Day, and actually, I was in them as a bridesmaid. Each time, I hate the wedding ring promises or vows. Probably because we made the same bullshit promises.

Yesterday, my friend and her husband who just married last weekend came to visit. Her husband keeps taking his ring off. I think it's because he's not used to wearing one. Instead if just ignoring it, I joked that he was going to end up losing it if he wasn't more careful with it.

My friend said she would never take her ring off. There was an eery silence and awkwardness that came from me and my stupid husband. Yep, we said the same thing, and I also said the only reason we would ever divorce is if one of us cheated. Well, wasn't I proven wrong.

My friend's husband then asked to see my husband's ring and well, that prompt the reveal that we don't wear rings. Again, awkwardness. I had to mumble and yeah, there's a reason for it.

My friend knows what happened and she probably told her husband. It's still not cool that I'm not normal. I don't say oh we just don't wear our rings because we don't like rings. No, we don't wear rings because my husband decided to have an affair.

It sucks...and what I did during the aftermath of the affair reveal still haunts me today. When I was trying to put my life back in order, I didn't talk to this friend for years. She brought this up at her rehearsal dinner, and how happy she was that we reconnected at the exact time she was getting married. We have been friends since we were 7 or 8. I cried like a baby because seeing how much I hurt her from hiding stirred up a lot of guilt in me. I couldn't stop crying....this was something I did and regret. I shouldn't have pushed people away. I wish I was stronger. Lesson learned for sure.

The affair aftermath is still going on 4 years from when it happened. 4 years ago my husband was actively psychotic. Am I glad we are at a point we are right now? I guess...Am I wishing it never happened? Definitely.

This scar will never go away. With every friend affected by infidelity and every one that commits it, I will feel the blow.

I hate two of my closest friends at that time have done the same to their husbands. I hate that newly married friends have to see my marriage as a scary reality. I hate that I can never say that my husband kept his promises to me. I hate that my mother was right about marriage and men. I hate that other people don't understand my pain.

4 years....and counting....

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