Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Defining Love After an Affair

I've always had a romanticized view of what love is because I never really experienced while growing up. My parents aren't affectionate or emotional beings. They view love as taking care of your kids until they are old enough to fend for themselves and then their job is done. I always thought that love was when you like being with someone so much that you would rather be with the person than not be with him, that you would do whatever it takes to make that person happy and happy with you. I also thought that love was someone feeling and doing the same to me. With that love comes affection and comfort from life's harsh realities.

However, since the affair, I really have no clue what love is because I thought I was doing everything I needed to do to ensure love in our relationship. My husband wasn't, but I was able to deal with that. As long as I knew that he knew I loved him and that he appreciated what I did for him, I thought that it was okay. Until I found out that he truly didn't appreciate or care what I did for him.

I asked a question I already knew the answer to the other night to my husband. I asked, "Didn't you ever talk to her about how much you missed me and the kids?" Since he said they talked about everything because he was so depressed about his dad dying. At first he said no, but then tried to backtrack when he could tell that my heart blew up into a million pieces. He then said that he talked about me with his friends while she was standing right next to them. That's not what I call talking to her about how upset he was about being away from me and the kids.

Not talking to her about me shows that he really didn't hold me in his heart and as closely as I had thought he did. He always told me that she manipulated him into loving her. However, if he never talked about me, showed her how much he cares for me, and didn't wear his ring around her, that makes me think that she was thinking he wasn't that attached to me, which meant a very easy way in...

Through all our marriage difficulties, I never let go of my husband. I always held him as my husband and respected him as that. If I ever talked to a guy, I would talk about my husband. It was clear that I was attached and loved him.

So did he lose his love for me during that time? Did he forget what love was? What is love anyway? Everyone who has ever loved me has treated me badly or hasn't treated me the way I define it. I have thousands of emails where he tells her that he loves her but now he says that he didn't and it was all bullshit. Okay, so how do I know he loves me? His actions surely don't show that he did or does? What do I believe, especially when my trust for him has been completely broken?

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