Sunday, November 14, 2010

Swallowing Rage

Photographer: Darren Robertson
My husband came back last night from being away for almost a week. For some reason, whenever he comes home, I get a surge of emotions, mostly rage. You would think I would be excited to see him again but instead, I have something like post traumatic stress disorder.

When my husband came home early from his deployment to see his dying father back in April, he hardly looked at me and wasn't interested in me at all. He was so different. I chocked it up to grief and just tried to be supportive. Well, in hindsight, he was stricken with guilt because he had just committed infidelity.

So now, whenever he comes home from being away, it's like I return to that time and it enrages me. The last time he came home about a month ago, I couldn't control it and we ended up having a heated discussion about the affair for better part of the night. Not exactly what he had in mind when he came home, if you know what I mean.

As I go through the process of surviving infidelity, I feel myself progressing. Last night, I again had those same feelings but I was able to swallow them. They were there...I just chose not to fulfill the urge to fuel it. It was hard but in the end, the night was much more romantic and peaceful.

I would not recommend that anyone swallow their rage until they are ready to. It's taken a lot of yelling at him and processing of the affair to get to this point. I am also not saying that I have swallowed the rage forever. I will have my time just shows some progress that I was actually able to control it this time.


  1. That does sound like progress. I mean you may have still had the rage but you *wanted* to move past it so that is definately a step forward. Happy it worked out and that you had a good night! <3

  2. I'm not sure if "swallowing rage" is the way to heal. It just ferments and then explodes later in ways that is wounding for self and others. Perhaps, start with respecting your feelings of anger, rage, frustration, and neglect so as to soften and let go. In time, you may find clarity in moving on in your life, whatever path you take to honor yourself, which may be with or without your current husband.


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