The Priest Responds about the Affair and Renewal of Vows

Well, just when I thought I was being condemned by the priest, I receive the email I wanted from him. It makes me happy and relieved that at least I can say that at least I am not attacked by my faith like I thought I was....

Here is his email to me:

Thank you for your email. I’m sorry I didn’t respond sooner. I’m still trying to get caught up.
First, please be assured that where you are with this does not in any affect my view of you or Your husband. I know there has been much pain and suffering in your life as a result of this situation and I can never begin to know what that is like.
My hope and prayer is that our Lord’s healing may come into your marriage and bring you both the peace that comes only from Him. You are a great family and it gives me great joy to see you practicing your Catholic faith as a family. It is in doing so that you will experience the healing love of our God. If there is any way that I can help you or Your husband, please do not hesitate to let me know. I think a lot of you both and your family and wish you all the very best.
May God bless you always.
Peace,

Aaaww see how nice? It makes me want to cry. Why? I have no idea.

Infidelity Silence Isn't Good

So it's been three days since I promised not to talk about the affair, and I am not doing well. I had insomnia last night, and yay here I am blogging at 1 AM.

I'm not thinking about the affair really. I am thinking about how I really should get this whole new counselor thing going. I was going to call the insurance company but then lazy outed with that.

I don't know what my problem is anyway. I am not mad at anything, I am not really sad anymore, I'm just kind of .... Dead to it. It's like this wound just sits inside me and it's sore. The wounds haven't had any more damage, but they just sit and ooze. Will the wounds ever stop oozing? Will they close up and heal? There will always be a scar won't there?

Out of all the people in the world...my husband had to do this to me. He couldn't have taken care of me like he should have.. As the mother of his children and the love of his life he says I am. No, he had to take knife, stab me multiple times, and then pull me back when I was ready to run. Now I sit here healing while looking at the perpetrator. It's all so screwed up. It's all so unbelievably ridiculous.

I need therapy.

Can't Talk about the Affair Anymore

So, I've made a habit of poking fun at my husband. You know, whenever something about cheating comes up, which is mostly daily, I will make some crack about it to him. I will admit I am quite harsh at times. But, whatever he was harsh our whole marriage.

Yesterday, we had a fight and in his selfish fashion said that the affair hurts him too, and how do I think it makes him feel when I crack jokes about it. Obviously it's my way to cope, but see, he wants to be over it.

So I told him I wouldn't talk about the affair ever again. Jerk.

So where does that leave me? Crying in my dreams, as he informed me about this morning. I also have a money spending problem, which okay, was already going on. But yeah, I feel it to be a stress reliever.

Anyway, I think I am going to ave to seek therapy from someone new. Husband dearest already claimed golden boy status with our current one.

If I cant talk about the affair to him, I am going to have to vent somehow and the blog only helps a little.

Bewildered by my Church

When my us and was having his affair, I sought out the comfort of a priest while I was staying with his grandmother. The priest told me that I had better treat my husband well or he really would cheat on me. All I wanted my some comfort with faith, and I received a slap in the face.

Last week, I emailed my priest who baptized Michael to tell him I do not want to validate my vows in the church because Of what he did. Don't worry, my husband already told him what he had done. Anyway, after emailing him my decision, do you know he didn't write back to me?

All I expected was a "I'm so sorry for the pain you've been through and continue to go through. I will pray that God helps you find peace, and if you need anything at all, please let me know."

No, instead I get the feeling that I am being looking down upon because I can't forgive. I am the one in the wrong because I refuse to renew my vows two years after an affair that has altered my life forever. It just doesn't seem fair. It's definitely made me question a lot about the church.... which has always been a really huge part of my life.

2 Year Anniversary of the Affair and the Visions are Back

The other day I was having a lot of visions about the affair. I would picture her and him smiling and laughing and having a great ol time together. The visions were so real that I started having a hard time concentrating on what I needed to do for work.

All of a sudden I realized that this was the time my husband came home off his ship and I discovered the text messages and phone calls to his slut. This was the time two years ago that I started to find out bit by bit he was having an afffair.

Two years later and that time still affects me so much. I can definitely say that I am better than I was a year ago but not completely healed. I don't believe I will ever be healed.

I told my husband and he immediately was uptight. I can tell these things...he wasn't a jerk about it but I could tell he was bracing himself for the attack that he thought was coming.

I didn't attack that time but a couple days later he asked me to go for a run with him and I immediately thought about how he went for a run with her in a beautiful park the day that I caught them at the hotel. The vision of them running, smiling, stopping to kiss and then taking a shower together afterwards just threw me off. He didn't not react well and started saying he didn't do anything....yeah not that minute but he sure as hell did a whole lot two years ago.

Sigh...

I am so damaged it's ridiculous....