Saturday, February 5, 2011

Contacting the Mistress - Is it Appropriate?

I received an email from a reader the other day that made me think about whether or not it's appropriate to contact the mistress. In my opinion, nah....


Even though I think my husband's mistress is a dumb, immature, slutty bitch... I don't really need to concern myself with her. It was my husband's responsibility to stay away from her and it was his fault that the affair happened. She didn't tie him up and rape him. He willingly had relations with her and had a relationship with her.

I think some people have an issue blaming themselves and the people who really should be put at blame. They have an easier time looking outside of themselves and the reality of where the problem lies. Like I said, it's not  like I don't blame my husband's mistress at all, I just don't think she deserves any of my time. I don't need to discipline her. I need to discipline my husband and look at our relationship for reasons why it happened.

What do you think about contacting the mistress?

19 comments:

  1. Well, I can't speak for anyone else but in my case the mistress was my (supposed) best friend. Yeah, really. She even dried my tears when I first was told by my husband that he wasn't sure he wanted to stay married - before I knew about them.

    You can bet your ass that I contacted her. I demanded that she meet me, face to face, so I could show her what she'd done. I lit into her with so much rage and fury (verbally, only, I'm a non-violent person) and told her I wanted her to see my face in the mirror every morning when she wakes up so she will never forget the horrible thing she'd done. I also returned to her every gift she'd given me - appropriately shredded or otherwise destroyed.

    Did it solve any problems? No. Did it result in anything at all, other than my getting my emotions out? No.

    But, damn... It felt so f*cking good!!!

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  2. DANG RIGHT. That is exactly what I was thinking when I read your comment.
    Okay, in your case, yes, I would DEFINITELY have to lay it all out! Your best friend...wow. I am so so so so sorry. What a bitch. Feel free to come here to vent... I know your pain. I still can't believe how much of a bitch your friend is...who does that?

    But yes, I agree with what you did. I guess a part of the reason why I don't feel the need to beat down the mistress verbally is because I am not emotionally attached to her. I have no connection to her at all...nor do I want one. But if it were different, and she was my friend, then yes, I would definitely have to give her a piece of my mind.

    Thanks for reading and writing!

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  3. ktpupp... I am so sorry for you that this happened. However, the exact same thing happened to me with my best friend (no longer my friend) and it all happened while we were planning our wedding and writing vows. :( Thanks for the great memories of wedding planning, BITCH! They slept together 2x it has turned my life upside down. To top it off, the way I found out a year and half later... she was pissed at my husband (for some reason) and yelled across a bar (this is priceless) "I fucked your husband and his fingers were in my pussy!" CLASSY! I think she realized what she had done and then started telling people that he had raped her. Now, the last time I checked when you get raped you call the cops and go to the dr. Nope, not Debbie, she planned our bach/lorett wine tour party, bridal shower and came to my wedding in Vegas and brought her family, not to mention hung out ALL summer. Now, does that sound like you got raped? No, it sounds to me like someone that can't take responsibility for her choices. I hate to say this, but I have to be honest that it’s helpful that I am not the only person who has had to deal with the absolute devastation of cheating. And I have not had contact with this person because I don’t want to give her the time of day. Let her live with her guilt, not to mention the loss of a faithful, true friend.

    Much love to you both! May we all heal and come out on the other side better, stronger, integrity filled women.

    Shew… that felt good!

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  4. I did contact my husband's whore. She was our babysitter at our gym and I befriended her as we spent time together with MY children. My husband went to a different gym for body builders-she got a membership there. The affair began and lasted about a year. I asked him repeatedly about his "relationship" with her. He always denied it, made me feel crazy. After I found out and he confessed, I wrote her a letter and emailed it. Here's a portion of it:

    When husband and you joined Aspen, you encouraged each other’s craziness, compulsion, selfishness and ego-driven destruction. He became a shell of the man he was, though this began to happen years ago and I do not fully blame you. I know he was struggling and he had drifted from our family, but never did I believe he would resort to another woman, though I no longer consider you that. I see you more as a troll.

    I know you commiserated with each other, lamented about your lives and found solace in each other’s open dialogue and support. Whatever. You supported each other with delusion and empty souls. You thought of no one but yourselves and your twisted, demented desires. I hold him equally responsible, and have discussed this at length with him. I’m sure we’ll be talking about this for quite a while. You both took your spouses, your vows, your promises with people who loved and respected you (at least in my case-I understand your marriage was already struggling or over, though I imagine this contributed to its demise) and disregarded them. You lost any and all integrity you ever had-Husband used to be a man I couldn’t bitch about with my girlfriends because he was the most honest, integrity-filled, respectable man I knew. You helped him disintegrate into a lying, cheating, broken boy.

    The fact that you chased after a married man tells me of your true nature and character. The fact that he participated showed me sides of him I didn’t think possible. I need you to know that I’ve known for a very long time that you two were having an inappropriate relationship. Husband lied to me for nearly a year whenever I confronted him about your affair, your “friendship”, though I never believed him. The rot and destruction you encouraged him to create has now littered our home and family. Your filth, deceit and foul-soul has affected...

    It goes on, and it felt amazing to send it! She immediatey called my husband at his office and cried to him. Thankfully he told her never to contact him again, and so far swears he's not had any contact with her. All I can do it hope that's true. I found out March 1st of 2011. Monday is our 14 year anniversary-we are not celebrating, though he wants to. I still don' know if I can stay in this relationship (no longer a marriage in my opinion).We've got 3 young kids and are trying to move forward. I'm just so hurt and angry that anyone would ever treat me with such disreguard and lack of respect. I hope someday to get over it.

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  5. Awesome. Just simply the best thing I have read in a long time. You are such a brave, strong woman. You are my hero and I don't even know you. Not only did your husband cheat, he cheated on you with a someone close to you. Ugh. My heart bleads for you. I hate this for you. I haven't written on the blog for a while and that is because I am in a different place now. I can tell you that I am doing better and I am telling you this because it is possible to heal. I really need to start writing on here again to show everyone how far I have come after all of the hate... wow...how far I have come. Thank you for sharing... you were so right in sending that...SO right.

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  6. I read an article that gave this advice. "Do not contact the other woman because you do not want to give her the reason to run to your husband to tell him about it and seek comfort in his arams. Also, if you confront her in person and you are emotional, she will look at it as an opportunity that you are weak and she can go after your husband again. Stay strong!" I see my husband's girlfriend at church of all places. Worse yet, everyone in our generation who goes to that church knows about it. I decided I'm going to look her in the eye next time I see her as my husband ended it to be with me.

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  7. I knew my husband was cheating on me probably after the first few weeks. Suddenly, his hours changed. Lots of late night dinner meetings, etc. The real give away however was that he would come home at 11:00PM and be up at 5:00AM, bright eyed and bushy tailed and ready for a new day. I even commented to him, "the only way someone can sustain this type of schedule is someone who has found new love". I was right. He was cheating on me with a colleague half his age. I drove to her house, banged on her door, and made a huge scene out on the sidewalk where she lives. I called her every name in the book and continued to call her daily until she blocked my number. Yep, it felt really good and I don't regret it for a moment. I don't know what I'm going to do about my marriage yet but I'll never view my husband in the same light again nor can I see myself wanting to keep his name.

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  8. Good for you! Men are so stupid. They think we don't know when they are "in love." I too saw the difference. Mine would sit looking at his phone with a goofy look on this face. Duh...what else could he be looking at than a naked girl he was sleeping with on the side. :(

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  9. THIS one certainly is. He stayed with his (7 times) cheating wife for 39 years. Should have dumped the bitch the first time she was unfaithful, less than one year into our "marriage." This woman has SO destroyed my self-respect and sense of worth (Hah!) that I am no longer a fit mate for any other woman. Not fit for life, period. Don't want to live, too chickensh*t to check out. Stupid.

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  10. I never bothered to confront her but I let the entire town and her husband know. I wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of me raging at her and have her believe she had me exactly where she wanted me. She had a bad marriage, she was a high-school sweetheart of my husband's. She lives in a tiny town in the middle of no where and my husband a oilfield specialist who traveled all over the world. She saw him as her savior and way out.

    I simply made sure she had no way out and all the women in town would watch their men a lot closer too. That and her husband took his lil ole tractor and drove it over her brand new car. I needed others to know about her and there was NO WAY my marriage was going to suffer while her husband was completely blind. No darn way.

    Oh and my husband decided it was best he never 'go home' ever again with or without me and not once has he complained, asked or changed his mind about that decision. I think that's the least he could do. Its terrible for his family since they are the ones having to fork out seeing him instead.

    These men do not realize just how far the repercussions are. How bad it hurts so many.

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  11. I think it depends on the situation. My spouse started seeing a married woman with 4 children. A teacher no less, nice role model eh? They met online playing cards. I fould emails after he accidently left the window open at the bottom of the computer. Completely crushed me, and they were graphic to the core.

    Unfortunately, that did not stop them, they just kept right on seeing each other. One night after a football game I borrowed my husband's phone because mine had died and there were 5 new messages from her carrying on about how he never showed up or called and how do you do that to a person. Really? she has no problem with destroying two families but is concerned with being stood up?!!! I called her that night and confronted her. That was when I got the famous line "he is only with you because of your daughter." I told her she was in the affair for totally different reasons than my husband. I told her he was a liar (which he is) and that he was not miserable at home and that i am sure he cares for her but not the way she thinks. He doesnt want out, he just wants to have his cake and eat it too! She wasn't buying it. She was just sure they were soul mates as her e-mails stated.

    Anyway, I finally got in contact with her husband which I didn't want to do because of the kids etc. it was a last resort to end this thing. And it worked because once my husband knew her husband knew suddenly she wasnt very appealing. It just amazes me how these selfish (my spouse included) people justify what they are doing and have no problem dragging innocent people behind the truck and are willing to just keep driving.

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  12. I called her. She works at the hotel where my husband always stays on business. Stupid front desk girl. Half his age, they celebrated her 25th birthday together.

    Knew she needed the job, she isn't from this country and cannot be unemployed. They have a strict "no dating the businessmen / businesswomen" rule... and I wanted some answers to see if he was lying to me. Told her very calmly that since neither one of us wanted to see her fired, she could answer my questions or I could send the phone records to her manager. (CRAZY amount of calling and texting between them) She answered, and then I told her she needed to stay away from my husband. No calling, no texting, no emailing, no accidental meetings, no contact whatsoever. She was also to shun any contract he might try to initiate. Or, phone records to the manager.

    I don't know if I want him anymore, we're in counseling to try to figure that out. He feels terrible, and he's begging me not to leave. But I loved threatening her. I really did.

    I ended the conversation with something about if he and I didn't work out and he came back to her? If she was in it for the money? There wouldn't be any left.

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  13. Regretfully, I've the embarrassment of having a Russian maid take my husband from me. I'm not massively rich, its just that I worked 40 plus hour a week for decades at my husbands business. Made the dude millions.

    One of my friend's Russian maids thought I was a nanny while I picked up my daughter from a play date. In the process of chatting, she informed me that any American woman who has a maid take care of her home deserves to lose her husband to them. Luckily, the lady (friend) who was this Russian maid's employer already was separated from her husband. God help her because this Russian woman will stalk and betray her the moment a "gold" perhaps opportunity presents itself.

    If there are any married women living with their husbands reading this, BEWARE! No other maids I ever employed were ever as predatory, family destructive and actually very poor maids. (I had fired her for horrid work)

    Be alert to any female you employ in your household.

    I've not recovered emotionally and still am trying to recapture my sense of worth.

    Its been years, yes, I'm still married because my husband makes divorce impossible for me. (long story) He's rich...I'm not.

    I no longer wish to confront this woman because I realize that money inspired spouse stealing women have no morals, nothing like maybe we all have. Perhaps my husband and "her" (he asks to come back to me at least once a month) are sociopaths and truly extremely dangerous.

    LOVE of money is not LOVE.

    For any woman other there reading these comments, please, beware of the women you allow in your home or business!

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  14. I am currently going through the terrible emotions of being the spouse that has been cheated on. I contacted the mistress and of course she denies everything, said she doesnt know how her # appeared on the cell bill over 100 times, said she sent my husband and "I love you" text in error. I found this girl on FB and let's just say she's far from attractive. I know this has nothing to do with my husbands reasons for cheating but please, I almost wish she was pretty so that I could understand the attraction. I wish i had never saw her because now I am even more confused....

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  15. my husbands mistress for his affair one week before our 24th wedding anniversary was my very best friend and my only sister. So yea. how the hell ya ever get over that! ive raged to her and I am just devastated. So what if they were out of their ninds drunk! I was working, out of town taking care of a disabled patient who was having surgury at the time. None of the rest of my family can know. my kids know he cheated. They are 19 and 24, but not with who. Really makes holidays just frkin awesome. I will never wrap my mind around this. ever! they dont talk, or speak. its all very very awkward. she was our flower girl. oh my god. what the hell!!!

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  16. My husband had an affair with a bartender at our favorite out of town restaurant. Im devastated. I want to call her just so I can say what's on my mind and get a piece of closure. There has been no contact between them in months but due to other circumstances, the affair ended and not by either of them. I feel weak in not having threatened him with divorce and feel foolish and naive. Im not a vengeful person but a part of me wants both of them to feel what I have felt. Not sure where my marriage is headed but Im consumed with flashbacks and unsettled with the unknowns. Do I call???

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  17. I am at a total loss of words because so many of your stories are similar to mine with just a few minor differences. D-Day hit a little over three weeks for me. I discovered the affair on a Friday evening and then learned it was a teacher colleague of mine (20 years younger than my husband) with whom I had worked very closely and invited over my home multiple times. She tempted him on multiple occasions and he took the bait. The hardest part was seeing her every day at work; she pranced around like she'd done nothing wrong. Fortunately, I don't have to see her over the course of the summer and am going to concentrate on healing, but the double betrayal is unbearable at times. I can't wrap my mind around how not just one, but two people in my life could do this to me and our family. I'm fortunate that my children are older and I can support myself; therefore, I have options. I've seen a counselor and have spoken to my priest, but am still in a limbo as to what I want to do. I literally feel emotionally paralyzed. He is begging for forgiveness and will do "whatever it takes", but I can't see compromising my values and standards for someone I don't even recognize.
    My heart and prayers go out to anyone who experiences this type of pain. It's simply indescribable and no one deserves it.

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  18. My husband had an affair that ended because the mistress moved out of our town. He then promised me to stop contacting her but she sends him emails. I emailed her back asking to leave him alone and reminding her that whores are for a short-term lust whereas wives are for a long-term relationship.

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  19. I sent a note to one of my cheating spouse's hookups because I know her and socialized with her. His 10 yr Christian porn lady, well I won't contact her unless it's a divorce deposition. Here's the letter I sent to his co-worker, whom I was encouraged to be friendly by my sicko spouse: "It IS important that you are aware about the boundaries you and M crossed. And his excuse. When someone feels entitled to step out of their relationship with focused purpose, it's a conscious decision to lie, betray and disrespect the ones they are supposedly committed to. As you move forward in your relationship with your SO/boyfriend/fiancé/spouse, remember the trust you are building with him. This is the person with whom you share the most intimate details of your life. This person should "have your back". Normal people have temptations all the time. BUT they do not act upon them. They are aware of how their actions affect others. People who follow their self-absorbed "needs", without considering - or really even caring about - how their actions affect the unsuspecting people in their lives, suck. Do not be the one who sucks in your relationship. Live with integrity."

    To the point and without any personal detail from me, because honestly these people DO NOT care what they did to you. She probably doesn't give a damn about this letter. I just needed closure and when I meet up with her again, I feel awesome that she knows that I KNOW. I forgive myself for being duped by these hideous shitheads.

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