Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Infidelity Silence Isn't Good

So it's been three days since I promised not to talk about the affair, and I am not doing well. I had insomnia last night, and yay here I am blogging at 1 AM.

I'm not thinking about the affair really. I am thinking about how I really should get this whole new counselor thing going. I was going to call the insurance company but then lazy outed with that.

I don't know what my problem is anyway. I am not mad at anything, I am not really sad anymore, I'm just kind of .... Dead to it. It's like this wound just sits inside me and it's sore. The wounds haven't had any more damage, but they just sit and ooze. Will the wounds ever stop oozing? Will they close up and heal? There will always be a scar won't there?

Out of all the people in the world...my husband had to do this to me. He couldn't have taken care of me like he should have.. As the mother of his children and the love of his life he says I am. No, he had to take knife, stab me multiple times, and then pull me back when I was ready to run. Now I sit here healing while looking at the perpetrator. It's all so screwed up. It's all so unbelievably ridiculous.

I need therapy.

10 comments:

  1. I've had many days like that as well. Where I didnt feel much of anything anymore. And even still today. I like to see it as a good thing tho. I figure if its not bothering me, maybe I'm a little bit closer to getting completely over it.
    Take care,
    Wendy

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  2. I don't know if I will ever be over it...

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  3. What? Excuse me? You can't talk about it anymore with him? are you kidding me? Don't you realize HE is taking care of himself and not you? He's tired of it, he doesn't want to hear it anymore, he's sick of it, he's tired of your tears and pain and rage and and and...

    and can you tell I've been cheated on? Its been 2 1/2 years since I discovered the truth. Which for me is the beginning. For my jerk of a husband, it was almost 4 years since he last saw her. For him its now 6 1/2 years. My husband became quite violent with me over the past couple of years at times and had / has his own seething rage lingering. But its towards him, not me when it boils down to it. He's furious at what he's done to me, himself, our marriage and our kids.

    The only way I will heal is with his 1000)% participation. When I am raging and crying, I need him to hold and comfort me, reassure me and understand the best he can how damaging this truly is. He's come a long way and still has a long way to go.

    There are some days he 'gets it' and some he's too concerned about himself. Poor baby. He created a mess, destroyed my world, life and dreams and he wants to sit in a corner and pout? OH NOOO way, not a chance in hell.

    One of the best books out there is very short BUT there's 99% I believe in. He's read it several times and is trying his best to implement what he's capable of. I soo recommend it - for your husband!!

    http://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

    The cheater did this YET the cheated upon or the betrayed is somehow taught in our society its UP TO THEM to fix it? No, I'm sorry, I'm not going to sit there and be told for a second I'm to blame, I'm at fault so its my job to save this marriage.

    Well I didn't break it buddy and if I'm worth it, you're going to have to dig in and get the job done.

    I'm appalled you let this guy off the hook quite frankly. WHY should a wife sit there at 1am crying and hurting so deeply while the betrayer sleeps peacefully.

    It sounds like your husband is still getting his cake and eating it. he doesn't want to do the hard work it takes? Then show him the door.

    Yah, I'm a tad abrasive, I know.

    in the end, the only way I've been able to over come a lot of what he's done is for him to have full ownership and responsibility for not only what he did, but also the CONSEQUENCES of his actions. And yes you cheaters, consequences include a devastated and sometimes raging wife who will feed you your balls. If you're smart, you'll pull out a knife and fork and welcome your kiwis on a silver platter.

    I hope you pick up that book - for him. not you. HIM

    Enough said.

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    Replies
    1. You Rock. You are so right. I love your rage. It's, of course, understandable, and I am glad you are allowing yourself to see it through.

      I just wanted to comment on what you said about letting him off the hook. I totally am not letting him off the hook - not at all.

      I haven't been on, but about to write a post after I am done with this comment. Of course, the "not talking about it" didn't go too far. I KNOW he wants it all to go away... and it's not all going away. That, at first, makes him upset, but then he realizes that he has nothing to stand on.

      This whole infidelity recovery is crap - it really is... I know why people split after an affair. We're either strong or stupid in what we do....strong or stupid...

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  4. I'm going to try and copy/paste the summary of the book in hope the steps help others. I swear, the more my husband does from this book the quicker I am healing and getting through this.

    The following list summarizes the qualities of those who are most likely to be successful repairing their marriages after infidelity.

    Successful Rebuilders: are nondefensive examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners.

    do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner

    show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done

    make amends and apologize to loved ones apologize often, especially the first two years listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain

    allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering

    seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity

    keep no secrets

    do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair

    are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities

    frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing

    are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair

    don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children

    commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and spiritual growth

    If I had only one word to describe Successful Rebuilders, it would be: HUMILITY. While the scriptures say that love covers a multitude of sins, I believe humility heals a multitude of wounds. Only the sincerely contrite can accept the assignments listed above. Successful Rebuilders embrace their roles as healers. They work hard to undo the damage of the affair and make amends. They honor the time it takes for their spouses to heal. They trust that their efforts to repair their faithful spouses’ hearts will in turn transform their own hearts and character for the better.



    MacDonald, Linda (2011-05-04). How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful (p. 86). Healing Counsel Press.

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  5. sorry pushed comment too quickly and didn't put enough paragraph breaks.


    are nondefensive

    examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses

    accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners.


    THE BIGGEST FOR ME - is allowing me MY OWN timetable for healing AND no minimizing what he did.

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  6. You made the comment about recovery infidelity is a bunch of crap. Are you meaning the book I suggested?

    Here's the thing with me. I am a researcher for authors so naturally I read to find answers. 99% of the books out there are total complete crap. Furthermore the authors find 'some way' to either blame the betrayed spouse or make it a 'bigger' marital issue. BULLCRAAPP!!!

    A 'symptom' of something wrong in the marriage. That's what counselors are trained as well. None of them wanted to help us discuss the finite details of what he did. They wanted to explore the deeper meaning. OMG seriously? The deeper meaning is that he was a total selfish ass who wanted what HE wanted without any thought of what it would do to us, our marriage or our kids. HE talked himself into believing he was entitled because it fed his ego or whatever it did. The rest is hogwash.

    FIND me 1 marriage out there that has not had big issues. Did they ALL resolve them by having an affair? Deeper meaning doesn't exist.

    One couple online 'tout' themselves as amazing because they lived through it and now they hold very expensive seminars to teach other couples out there how to overcome. BUT what it boils down to is that the betrayed NEEDS TO LISTEN TO THE BETRAYERS NEEDS and WHY he/she did what they did. GIve them understanding and compassion and have open communication. Further to that if the BETRAYER ever desires to stray again, he/she is supposed to feel free and happy about coming to the wife/husband (betrayed) and tell them WITHOUT any repercussion.

    Well LMAO. He SURE still has her fooled. He can look but "not touch"? He can still have all his temptations as long as there's honesty? HA. No - its simple. No looking, no touching, and live your life as pure without ever putting yourself in any circumstance that would be tempting.

    That 'couple' i speak of, I think the wife is a total fool. She speaks on how well she's recovered and how her husband was a complete jerk to her while she was recovering. She prettied herself up, she lost weight, she listened to him, gave him all the reasons to come home to a doormat.

    I was a doormat before but not remotely after he cheated. No way. I wasn't going to beg and plead for him to stick around.

    I used to believe in this great autonomy in marriage, I thought if I allowed my husband all the worlds freedoms like going to bars afterwork or flying around to run his marathons while i stayed home with toddlers that somehow he'd APPRECIATE all the 'freedom' and trust he had.

    HA what a crock. What an idiot i was for 15 years hey? He enjoyed his freedom and then some. Sure I kick myself and feel at times if i wasn't the way I was, maybe he wouldn't have found a way to do all he did. In the end, its still his choice.

    Anyway, I am ranting. I have a lot of issues stil and probably always will. I will never feel the same way about him again. Yet I do believe in marriage and our children need us. Its too easy to give up in this world and everyone around me tells me / told me to do just that. Its not that easy at all. I love him but it will never be the same.

    Its the price we both pay. What a shame. IF ONLY there was some 'book' or class that these guys could take to really let it sink in the serious mind-numbing destruction this does to their wives and life... BEFORE they ever chose this. If only there was a hero out there speaking to the mens hearts about never choosing this path - ever. Its not worth it. Nothing is worth it. I'd rather him have died from an illness than go through this.

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  7. PS going back to my original thought, out of all the wasted time and energy reading the baloney out there, that book I suggested is the only thing that really put me and my husband on track to getting better. May help or not. Just a suggestion. AND it puts the blame soley and squarely on the betrayer AND the majority of the work towards healing on him/her too.

    Like it should be. They did this, its theirs to fix.

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  8. this blog post completely sums up my current life only i am only 2 months in...i hope every night when i wake the next morning it will be better and not hurt so much and yet be so foggy.

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  9. Your thoughts and words are very helpful and I will be getting that book. I wish you strength healing and love for you and your children. My wife had a six month affair with coworker. It is all very disgusting and heart breaking and one of the overlooked things in all this is the children I have two. How can you damage your marriage beyond repair and think it doesn't and wont affect your kids that's not reality.
    She is distant and unaccepting of intimacy love and redeeming herself even after I assured her that we would figure out how to make it work. Idk what to do or where to go for advice. We are going to individual and marriage counseling. I am lost and cant figure out why you would turn your back on someone who would lay down their life for you and takes care of all house duties and children. I still love my wife and am trying so hard but the more I try the more I realize that she is not trying. If I was in her position I know exactly what I would do- beg for forgiveness and do whatever it takes for however long it takes but I guess I'm not a woman and can't understand what she's going thru. I do know that I have lost some of my sanity over this and have severe depression anxiety and insomnia over all this. Glad I found this site tho cuz all of these posts are about exactly what I'm goin thru so thank you and god bless.

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