Thursday, October 25, 2012

Getting a Referral Tomorrow for a Therapist

I have an appointment tomorrow with my new physician and I'll be asking for a referral to a new therapist. I thought about calling our old therapist that did our individual and couples counseling, but I've basically coined him as another person seeing my husband as "golden child."

He's all YAY over my husband's "accomplishments" and ever since he shot me down when I told him that I felt like giving up (he basically told me I couldn't) - I just feel very unsupported by him.

I hope that this new doctor and therapist are able to help me get back to feeling like I'm ME again. For some reason though, I don't think that is ever going to happen.

One painful realization I have had since seeing my parents (I hadn't seen them since the D-Day took place) is that I truly don't think anyone besides my kids love me (and of course I am their mother so...).

What stinks the most is that I never did anything wrong to deserve it. I'm not saying I am perfect, but I never drank as a teen, never did drugs, didn't have sex, and went to college, graduated and even got my master's degree.

My parents always said I would never accomplished anything in life, called me a slut, thought I lied all the time...it was horrible.

So, then I get married. My husband is in the military, I move around with him, lose friends, be by myself while he is away on a boat. We have a baby, I take care of the baby completely, he goes off on a boat for three months at a time, and I take care of the baby. I get pregnant, I take care of our toddler pregnant for months while he is on the boat. I send care packages, several emails a day, etc. etc. I think you get it. Oh, I have to mention, he's a big kid and wants to buy toys all the time, but I don't nag or complain, he gets them then and now. I cleaned the house and cooked...etc. etc. So, I basically did all of the things a military wife should do.

What happens? He cheats on me. While he's having the affair, I was a horrible. You know that whole affair fog thing... Good thing I was used to hearing things about myself that weren't true.

So, now, here I sit... someone who has always tried to make people happy - still do - only to be treated badly. Trying to focus on myself and on what would make me happy - but what if what would make me happy would be for people to treat me the same way that I treat them?...

2 comments:

  1. I'm very glad to hear that you are looking into seeing a therapist.

    I can relate to the parents thing....my whole life I was criticized and only seen for what I was not, instead who I was. My mother often comments that she feels sorry for my husband having to put up with someone like me.

    That kind of upbringing makes it difficult to be in a romantic relationship... you carry a lot of baggage around and how can you really be in a loving relationship when you were never loved yourself? I can totally get where you are coming from.

    In my life I'm coming to see that my parents issues, are my parents issues and have nothing to do with me. For instance, my mother is always making "comments" about my appearance, particularly my weight. I'm never thin enough, I'm never dressed nicely enough, etc. And when she sees me in pictures, she always sighs and says something like "it's too bad you didn't hold your stomach in when the picture was being taken." Like I'm some big fat whale she is ashamed of.

    It hit me one day that my mother is insecure about HER own body image and is throwing that on me. Of course I'll never be beautiful enough - she doesn't feel beautiful about HERSELF, so she throws it on me. I've been trying to see that my mothers issues are about her and not me but it is not always easy. Perhaps you could consider what issues your parents have that they have been throwing on you.


    And this is something I struggle with myself - but I think it is a dangerous thing to base feeling loved on love coming from others. (I don't know if that makes sense...) I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you are a loving person, than you will always have love in your life. And I think focusing on you is a really good step. If you treat yourself with love and respect, that is something no one can take away from you.

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  2. Tomorrow is my 2nd anniversary of Dday. Sort of stumbled across this blog by accident.

    What your husband did was his choice. There will never be a "why" he did it that will be satisfying or explain or excuse his behavior, but in the end, it was HIS choice, and ultimately had nothing to do with you.

    You have a right to protect, nurture and care for yourself - and more importantly, a responsibility. Put your own oxygen mask on first, then worry about everyone else. Counseling helped me with that lesson. Hopefully, you'll find a good therapist who can guide you through this.

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