We are moving...Moving on?

I can't believe it. Tomorrow the truck comes and all if our belongings are being sent to Virginia. Our time here is over. 

Three years ago, we moved here in midst of an affair. It wasn't until August that I was able to have the proof I needed, but this time three years ago, moving here was the worst.

While this move is going better, despite not being able to sell the house and having to live in a two bedroom apartment paying a mortgage and rent. I just keep telling myself, "It's better than last time." 

I am plagued by memories... Yesterday, my husband said he had to go check into work one last time and I broke down just thinking how that was his excuse last time just to go see her. 

I ended up crying, him holding me, and asking if I could go into work with him. His answer was, "Of course, why would I leave you here?" He of course doesn't remember leaving me so many times before to be with her.

He cried too yesterday... He says it hurts him to see me upset like this for what he did.

I'm leaving the house where I put my family back together. If these walls could talk, they would tell of all the cries, screams, sadness, triumphs, laughs, and joy we've had here. 

We are moving to Virginia. The place where my husband and I started. It's where we first lived together, got married, bought our first home and had our first child. He says its like we have come full circle. I think he's right. 

I'm not a big marriage advocate. I really don't believe in it anymore. I believe in relationships. I hate that people get wrapped up in the fantasy world of getting married when its anything but a fantasy. 

I still don't wear a ring... I don't know if I ever will again. My husband said our wedding picture in the frame gut cracked somehow in the attic. If that isn't symbolic, I don't know what is...

I'm happy with my decision. I am glad I didn't leave him. I would much rather be here than anywhere else. 

For anyone else just starting this journey.. I can't tell you it's easy. I can't tell you it won't hurt like hell. I can't even tell you it's worth it. All I can tell you is to do what you feel is right in your heart. Your mind has been polluted with society, but your heart speaks the truth. 

If your husband doesn't stay true to you after the affair, it's probably not going to work. If he does everything he says he will, and is scared to death you'll leave h, it's a good sign there is some hope. Even when you have no idea whether you should stay or go, just watch. Just step back from the reality of this nightmare and watch for he says and does. Don't react until you are absolutely sure on what you want to do. YOU want to do. Not your mom, dad, sister, brother, best friend, etc. they are not the ones that will live your life. You are the one that will live your life, so take care of yourself. 

I did what I thought was right. I don't know if he will ever cheat on me again. I know he isn't right now. As long as I hold on right now, I am happy. I will deal with whatever happens in the future when it happens. 

Oh, and one more thing. Don't deny yourself the anger, sadness, and rage you deserve from the pain inflicted on you. Because I went through the madness If infidelity, I believe I am in a much better place than if I had swept it under the rug. It's true what they say. You can't go around it, you have to go through it to get over it. 

My Little Girl Remembers...

A couple of days ago, we found out that our next move will be to Virginia. Last night, at dinner, we started talking about when we'll put the house on the market, when to start looking for one in Virginia, and what we'll do if the house sells early.

During the affair, we had a very difficult time finding a rental home where we live now. This caused us to stay in hotels for many months.

We stayed in hotels while my husband was having an affair. During the affair, we had many arguments. My husband was in an affair fog, so he treated me awful. He also had panic attacks all the time. Finally, after driving 14 hours from his grandmother's house, it was a hotel that I found his clothes, her clothes, and the proof that I finally needed.

My daughter was with me through it all. She was 4 and a half years old.

Last night, as we started talking about the possibility that we would have to start staying in hotels again if the house sold early, she said...

"You mean we'll have to stay in hotels like when daddy had that other girl?"

My mouth dropped. She hasn't mentioned the affair in two years! I thought she forgot about it.

Now, I know really how traumatic it was for her... and I have a huge sadness in my heart and sickness in my stomach.

What made it even harder to stomach is that she started to cry...

My ...ugh...stupid, stupid, stupid, husband tried to console her by telling her that this move would be much better, but I could feel the anxiety she had inside.

My little girl... my baby. She remembers ... and it hurts her. :(

Later on, I hugged her really hard and told her that she can talk about anything that bothers her. She can bring things like that up because we do that in this family.

She didn't say anything else about it and even apologized for bringing it up. No... I don't want her to feel sorry. However, I wonder if she was really apologizing to herself for bringing out such a horrible memory for herself.

I'm so sad... I wish I had protected her more then. I wish I had shielded her from most of the chaos that went on.

As much as I wish for that, I also know that there was no way I could have, and that I can't shield her from everything. She does need to develop coping skills, and the way she does it is through crises.

I just remember holding that brand new baby in my arms. Looking at her with the greatest love I've ever felt and whispering in her ears, "I'll always protect you."

I couldn't protect her from my husband though. I couldn't protect her from my reactions to my husband. I couldn't shield her from the pain that infiltrated our family.

My husband feels really bad too. He wanted to talk about it last night, but I was really cautious about discussing it because I couldn't do it without tears in my eyes.

He asked me if I thought she needed counseling, and I told him that I didn't think so because she doesn't have any behavioral problems because of it, and she's usually a very happy little girl.

He asked if he should do anything about it. I told him that there wasn't anything going on now that was wrong. There's really no changes to make now that will make what happened then go away.

He did say that this move will have to be really fun for her. We'll have to ensure that it's as stress free as possible, so she doesn't associate moving with a nightmare. I do agree with that. Maybe... just maybe...if we can show her that not every move is daddy going off with some girl...she may start to forget.

Although, I am not sure I want her to forget. I'd rather her know what happened, see that it stopped, and know that it was wrong what her daddy did. I want her to learn from it, so she doesn't ever think that it's alright if God forbid she ever has to deal with such a horrible nightmare again.

I now feel like I may throw up. So, I'll end this now.

Military Affairs

As you know from my story, my husband cheated on my with one of his coworkers while he was on his ship. With the whole Petraeus sex scandal, it's hard not to be effected by it.

My husband did the same thing as Petraeus, except just not ranking as high as him. Everywhere I turn people talk about how he could have risked so much...

I read last night that it's the power and the military's air of what you do away from your wife stays away from your wife. I just read a news article where someone says there is a saying "what's done in TDY stays in TDY" TDY is temporary duty unit.

You know the military gets so much respect. Everyone is always saying oh thanks to the military. Oh let's send care packages to the military. Oh it's do sad they are gone from their families. Boo hoo... Veterans Day - my husband is honored and given free meals everywhere

For what? For working hard and cheating on your family? Yeah that's something to respect and honor. What damn good representation of model citizen.

Petraeus did nothing more than what my husband did. They are both idiots. Stupid stupid idiots.

My husband didn't get into trouble with the military. Why? Because his boss said he would make it go away when slut decided to tell everyone she could about their scandal. Yeah, see that's what they do in the military. They make thins go away... They look the other way and they pat each other on the back for morally wrong decisions because OH they work so hard. Yeah they work so hard that they have time to write thousands of emails back and forth, texts and long phone calls. And they work so hard that they can take long trips to see their sluts. They drink, party and it's all encouraged.

The military should hang their head down in shame as much as Petraeus and others who cheat on their wives at home dealing with the chaos there on their own.

You know there was a time when men would find out their wives were cheating while they were gone... Now it's the men who think as long as they are away from home they are away from their responsibilities as a husband.

Oh it's so great to be American and a military wife. God Bless his wife... I am sure she has been and will go through so much.

Getting a Referral Tomorrow for a Therapist

I have an appointment tomorrow with my new physician and I'll be asking for a referral to a new therapist. I thought about calling our old therapist that did our individual and couples counseling, but I've basically coined him as another person seeing my husband as "golden child."

He's all YAY over my husband's "accomplishments" and ever since he shot me down when I told him that I felt like giving up (he basically told me I couldn't) - I just feel very unsupported by him.

I hope that this new doctor and therapist are able to help me get back to feeling like I'm ME again. For some reason though, I don't think that is ever going to happen.

One painful realization I have had since seeing my parents (I hadn't seen them since the D-Day took place) is that I truly don't think anyone besides my kids love me (and of course I am their mother so...).

What stinks the most is that I never did anything wrong to deserve it. I'm not saying I am perfect, but I never drank as a teen, never did drugs, didn't have sex, and went to college, graduated and even got my master's degree.

My parents always said I would never accomplished anything in life, called me a slut, thought I lied all the time...it was horrible.

So, then I get married. My husband is in the military, I move around with him, lose friends, be by myself while he is away on a boat. We have a baby, I take care of the baby completely, he goes off on a boat for three months at a time, and I take care of the baby. I get pregnant, I take care of our toddler pregnant for months while he is on the boat. I send care packages, several emails a day, etc. etc. I think you get it. Oh, I have to mention, he's a big kid and wants to buy toys all the time, but I don't nag or complain, he gets them then and now. I cleaned the house and cooked...etc. etc. So, I basically did all of the things a military wife should do.

What happens? He cheats on me. While he's having the affair, I was a horrible. You know that whole affair fog thing... Good thing I was used to hearing things about myself that weren't true.

So, now, here I sit... someone who has always tried to make people happy - still do - only to be treated badly. Trying to focus on myself and on what would make me happy - but what if what would make me happy would be for people to treat me the same way that I treat them?...

I'm Alone in this Fight

You have to love how when you get cheated on, it's always easier for the cheater to get over it.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to visit my parents in Portugal with my cheater and kids. Why is that no one (including my parents) have never said two words to him about what he did to me and the kids.

You know, no one steps up the plate and says,

"How dare you cheat on my daughter. If you ever do that again, you won't only have to deal with her wrath, but also mine."

Wouldn't it be nice to know someone cares about you so much to defend you like that. I haven't had one person in my life do that for me.

Well, I lie. My best friend kind of said that, but not very convincing.

Who says that I don't need support behind me. Who says I don't need someone to come in front of me as a shield. Apparently, no one wants to feel the pain. But what about me? I am feeling the pain. I am the one who still has dreams about it.

The cheater? HA. He walks around like he's done something oh so wonderful in his life. He didn't choose to go off with his slut; instead, he stayed to own up to his "mistakes" and is doing what he should have been doing all along.

Why do I feel like this is some sort of sham? Why do I continue to feel as though I get the bum wrap out of this deal? Why am I still feeling as though he should have suffered more from this...?

If I had left him, I guess that would have made him suffer, but then I may have suffered more than I do now. So, why would I do that?

I'm still not quite at the acceptance that my whole view of marriage, love and everything else is out the window. While he thinks that our love is so strong, I think about how much love is big game that everyone pretends to play.

I guess it's just me though...no one really feels sorry for me...no one wants to protect me... and no one really cares about it anymore. That's sad, but it's the truth. I'm in this alone...and alone I continue to walk through it all.