Broke Down after 3 Years? Ugh.

Well, we went to the pool yesterday and that slut look a like was there again, of course. I just can't deal with it. 

When we left the pool. I was getting changed and my stupid husband asks to get it on. I said, "Oh hell no. This isn't going to be some sick habit of getting it on after seeing that chick at the pool." He got all offended, and first said "She doesn't really look like her" but then thought about it and said "okay yeah she does..." I tried to explain the pain I had inside of me and instead, ended up in the closet in fetal position crying. The cries come from deep down inside of me. I mean these are cries that come from my core.

My stupid cheater husband basically shuts down now whenever I bring up the affair. He said sorry that I was upset and walked away. He came back to TRY to console me but when I started wailing WHY and HOW he could have hurt me so much, he walked away from me. Yes, you are thinking the same thing I am... What an ass.

My kids were of course concerned about me. They wanted to know why their mom went from seemingly being okay to sobbing like a baby on the floor. Very unmotherly like....

My precious daughter who is 7 put her arms around me and I swear she was like an angel placing a hand on me. Almost immediately I felt as though the pain eased. I thanked her... And we hugged... She felt good and I felt better. My baby girl... 

The pain runs deep. My stupid husband talks about having another baby and if it wasn't for the affair, we probably would have done it. I just can't do that now. 

It's such a shame how the person who does the damage doesn't feel the damage as much as the person affected by it. It's unfair. 

I don't think I'll ever be over the pain. It's changed me. Our 10th wedding anniversary is coming up and I dread that day. I hate that day. I can't stand how he took that special day away from me. He's made me believe what my mom had said to me for years about how not to get married and that all men are the same. I now tell my daughter not to get married. Of course, I tell her it's her decision someday and I will be with her no matter what, but that is what I believe now and if she wants to follow that advise that will be her decision 

I know many of you are probably like "Oh don't tell her that." But if you were betrayed, you know that marriage is a sham. Vows mean nothing anymore, and no one ever respects their spouse as they should. People who remain married for 50 years are like me who gets slapped in the face and turns the other cheek. Doesn't seem awesome or how marriage should be...

Well, I guess that's all I wanted to write now. The pain.... 3 long years andthe scab  was scratched off and I'm bleeding again. 

Slut Look a Like at my New Place

Really?! I mean... Really? We just move from KY to VA, so I left all those damn triggers behind me. Now, I sit at the pool and it only took 5 minutes before I almost choked when I saw this stupid slut look a like walk in. Really?! This just confirms that what my stupid adulterous husband did will affect me forever. No matter where I go... I will be reminded.

He knows that she resembles the slut because he started telling me if I saw her and that she should get a job and stop living off her mom. He was all mean about her. I just answered, "Yeah, I don't know her and hate her anyway." Today we saw her again and I mentioned how I never felt like punching someone in the face so much. I then asked if he knew why I felt that way and he said "yeah..."

You know... This just sucks. I will see this chick all summer. It's not like she's pretty at all and I have low self esteem so that's saying a lot. I don't see her as a threat at all...if he went for her? Well then he is a bigger idiot than I ever thought and that's saying a lot too.

You know what I should totally do? Take a picture of we sometime, just for fun. 

I wonder if she can feel my "I hate you" vibe. Hmmmm...

I have no one to talk about this, so maybe I am helping you all out there or maybe I am just writing for no reason. Why I do know is that I am sure that ill have more to say as the summer goes on...

We are moving...Moving on?

I can't believe it. Tomorrow the truck comes and all if our belongings are being sent to Virginia. Our time here is over. 

Three years ago, we moved here in midst of an affair. It wasn't until August that I was able to have the proof I needed, but this time three years ago, moving here was the worst.

While this move is going better, despite not being able to sell the house and having to live in a two bedroom apartment paying a mortgage and rent. I just keep telling myself, "It's better than last time." 

I am plagued by memories... Yesterday, my husband said he had to go check into work one last time and I broke down just thinking how that was his excuse last time just to go see her. 

I ended up crying, him holding me, and asking if I could go into work with him. His answer was, "Of course, why would I leave you here?" He of course doesn't remember leaving me so many times before to be with her.

He cried too yesterday... He says it hurts him to see me upset like this for what he did.

I'm leaving the house where I put my family back together. If these walls could talk, they would tell of all the cries, screams, sadness, triumphs, laughs, and joy we've had here. 

We are moving to Virginia. The place where my husband and I started. It's where we first lived together, got married, bought our first home and had our first child. He says its like we have come full circle. I think he's right. 

I'm not a big marriage advocate. I really don't believe in it anymore. I believe in relationships. I hate that people get wrapped up in the fantasy world of getting married when its anything but a fantasy. 

I still don't wear a ring... I don't know if I ever will again. My husband said our wedding picture in the frame gut cracked somehow in the attic. If that isn't symbolic, I don't know what is...

I'm happy with my decision. I am glad I didn't leave him. I would much rather be here than anywhere else. 

For anyone else just starting this journey.. I can't tell you it's easy. I can't tell you it won't hurt like hell. I can't even tell you it's worth it. All I can tell you is to do what you feel is right in your heart. Your mind has been polluted with society, but your heart speaks the truth. 

If your husband doesn't stay true to you after the affair, it's probably not going to work. If he does everything he says he will, and is scared to death you'll leave h, it's a good sign there is some hope. Even when you have no idea whether you should stay or go, just watch. Just step back from the reality of this nightmare and watch for he says and does. Don't react until you are absolutely sure on what you want to do. YOU want to do. Not your mom, dad, sister, brother, best friend, etc. they are not the ones that will live your life. You are the one that will live your life, so take care of yourself. 

I did what I thought was right. I don't know if he will ever cheat on me again. I know he isn't right now. As long as I hold on right now, I am happy. I will deal with whatever happens in the future when it happens. 

Oh, and one more thing. Don't deny yourself the anger, sadness, and rage you deserve from the pain inflicted on you. Because I went through the madness If infidelity, I believe I am in a much better place than if I had swept it under the rug. It's true what they say. You can't go around it, you have to go through it to get over it. 

My Little Girl Remembers...

A couple of days ago, we found out that our next move will be to Virginia. Last night, at dinner, we started talking about when we'll put the house on the market, when to start looking for one in Virginia, and what we'll do if the house sells early.

During the affair, we had a very difficult time finding a rental home where we live now. This caused us to stay in hotels for many months.

We stayed in hotels while my husband was having an affair. During the affair, we had many arguments. My husband was in an affair fog, so he treated me awful. He also had panic attacks all the time. Finally, after driving 14 hours from his grandmother's house, it was a hotel that I found his clothes, her clothes, and the proof that I finally needed.

My daughter was with me through it all. She was 4 and a half years old.

Last night, as we started talking about the possibility that we would have to start staying in hotels again if the house sold early, she said...

"You mean we'll have to stay in hotels like when daddy had that other girl?"

My mouth dropped. She hasn't mentioned the affair in two years! I thought she forgot about it.

Now, I know really how traumatic it was for her... and I have a huge sadness in my heart and sickness in my stomach.

What made it even harder to stomach is that she started to cry...

My ...ugh...stupid, stupid, stupid, husband tried to console her by telling her that this move would be much better, but I could feel the anxiety she had inside.

My little girl... my baby. She remembers ... and it hurts her. :(

Later on, I hugged her really hard and told her that she can talk about anything that bothers her. She can bring things like that up because we do that in this family.

She didn't say anything else about it and even apologized for bringing it up. No... I don't want her to feel sorry. However, I wonder if she was really apologizing to herself for bringing out such a horrible memory for herself.

I'm so sad... I wish I had protected her more then. I wish I had shielded her from most of the chaos that went on.

As much as I wish for that, I also know that there was no way I could have, and that I can't shield her from everything. She does need to develop coping skills, and the way she does it is through crises.

I just remember holding that brand new baby in my arms. Looking at her with the greatest love I've ever felt and whispering in her ears, "I'll always protect you."

I couldn't protect her from my husband though. I couldn't protect her from my reactions to my husband. I couldn't shield her from the pain that infiltrated our family.

My husband feels really bad too. He wanted to talk about it last night, but I was really cautious about discussing it because I couldn't do it without tears in my eyes.

He asked me if I thought she needed counseling, and I told him that I didn't think so because she doesn't have any behavioral problems because of it, and she's usually a very happy little girl.

He asked if he should do anything about it. I told him that there wasn't anything going on now that was wrong. There's really no changes to make now that will make what happened then go away.

He did say that this move will have to be really fun for her. We'll have to ensure that it's as stress free as possible, so she doesn't associate moving with a nightmare. I do agree with that. Maybe... just maybe...if we can show her that not every move is daddy going off with some girl...she may start to forget.

Although, I am not sure I want her to forget. I'd rather her know what happened, see that it stopped, and know that it was wrong what her daddy did. I want her to learn from it, so she doesn't ever think that it's alright if God forbid she ever has to deal with such a horrible nightmare again.

I now feel like I may throw up. So, I'll end this now.

Military Affairs

As you know from my story, my husband cheated on my with one of his coworkers while he was on his ship. With the whole Petraeus sex scandal, it's hard not to be effected by it.

My husband did the same thing as Petraeus, except just not ranking as high as him. Everywhere I turn people talk about how he could have risked so much...

I read last night that it's the power and the military's air of what you do away from your wife stays away from your wife. I just read a news article where someone says there is a saying "what's done in TDY stays in TDY" TDY is temporary duty unit.

You know the military gets so much respect. Everyone is always saying oh thanks to the military. Oh let's send care packages to the military. Oh it's do sad they are gone from their families. Boo hoo... Veterans Day - my husband is honored and given free meals everywhere

For what? For working hard and cheating on your family? Yeah that's something to respect and honor. What damn good representation of model citizen.

Petraeus did nothing more than what my husband did. They are both idiots. Stupid stupid idiots.

My husband didn't get into trouble with the military. Why? Because his boss said he would make it go away when slut decided to tell everyone she could about their scandal. Yeah, see that's what they do in the military. They make thins go away... They look the other way and they pat each other on the back for morally wrong decisions because OH they work so hard. Yeah they work so hard that they have time to write thousands of emails back and forth, texts and long phone calls. And they work so hard that they can take long trips to see their sluts. They drink, party and it's all encouraged.

The military should hang their head down in shame as much as Petraeus and others who cheat on their wives at home dealing with the chaos there on their own.

You know there was a time when men would find out their wives were cheating while they were gone... Now it's the men who think as long as they are away from home they are away from their responsibilities as a husband.

Oh it's so great to be American and a military wife. God Bless his wife... I am sure she has been and will go through so much.