Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Wearing Wedding Rings After an Affair

Photographer: Salvatore Vuono
The night I found my husband in a hotel with his slut, I took my wedding and engagement rings off. I had never taken them off, even when they were strangling my finger because I was pregnant. Taking them off was symbolic for me, it meant the end of our marriage.

At that time, I was convinced that I was getting a divorce. There was no way I would stay with someone who would do something so horrible to me and our kids. Who does that? How disrespectful. He had no problem taking his wedding ring off to be with her...and to me, by taking his wedding ring off he was breaking his commitment to me and our marriage to each other.

Not having my wedding rings on really hurt him and he realized the real damage that he has done to us. How he didn't see that while he was with her is beyond my comprehension...selfishness along with mental illness I suppose (but that's for another post).

I won't put those rings on again. As we work to repair our marriage, I feel as though we are creating a new relationship and in time, a new marriage. The one we had before is dead. It's gone. Our wedding rings, which used to be a symbol of our love and commitment to each other, is now just a symbol of loss and betrayal...

Did you take or would you take your wedding rings off?

25 comments:

  1. I actually had not worn my wedding rings for about 10 years. Not because I didn't want too, I just put on too much weight with pregnancies and more and more weight and they did not fit. As I lost weight, I was FINALLY able to put my rings back on. Yes, even after I found out about my husbands Emotional Affair with my once best friend. !7 months of pure hell. I put them on, because I LOVE my husband very much and am proud to be his wife.. even after the hurt he has put me through. I will continue to wear them unitl he tells me otherwise as to where our marriage will stand. I understand houw you feel though.

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  2. Yes, I took my rings off for a few days after finding out from a disgruntled ex-employee of my husband’s that he was cheating on me. He cheated while working at his new job up north and me hundreds of miles away keeping my job to pay off debt before I move up to where he is. I took the rings off and prayed and fasted for 5 days. Before calling my husband I put them back on and confronted him about it. After about a month I finally received the whole story from him that about 2 weeks after moving there he started a relationship with an employee and they were living together in his apartment. This went on for about 2 ½ months. He says it wouldn’t have lasted as long as it did if he had not been so scared of losing his job when calling things off with her. Although, I think that’s a lame stupid excuse and an attempt to try and make himself look better. Well, after confronting him he has turned his life over to God and is staying out of the singles life style that he had put himself into when they had hooked up. I’m still hurt and very upset. We are trying to work out the marriage and things are getting better. I have my ups and downs and sometimes I have downs because he seems to have no downs. I felt like he could be thinking “Yay! I got to party and screw around and had myself a ball now I also get to keep my wife and have great sex with her!” SO needless to say I felt like I should give him something to work for. He says that he doesn’t feel or think that way at all BUT I’m still going to have to take some kind of action to make sure he knows that he is not out of the storm yet. Last night I told him that I will be taking off my rings and keeping them off until I am willing to marry him again. When I can trust and have faith in him again. I know that this might take years and he says that he understands why I’m making this choice. He said “I don’t like it and wish it didn’t have to be this way but I understand and I will do whatever it takes to gain back your trust and faith”. I told him that he has to leave on his ring though because the ring I bought him still stands pure and true. My vows were not broken and therefore are perfect. I told him that he will have to propose all over and that we will be starting over emotionally. Yes, we are technically still married and I don’t want to get a divorce but if he wants to “label” me as his with a ring on my finger then he’s gonna have to earn that privilege to do so.

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  3. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and story Crystal. I could have written the second part myself about how he said that he would do whatever it takes to gain back your trust and faith. I know what you are going through and I feel the same sort of need to punish my husband as you do. It does seem like they get the easy way out of all this when after all the fun and games they had didn't result in some sort of devastating loss aka divorce. It's all so unfair, I would divorce my husband in a second if it didn't mean that it would be a punishment to myself as much as one to him - the only difference is that I didn't even do anything!!!

    Thanks again for taking the time to comment and hope you'll stick around to share some more!

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  4. Hi Donna,

    Not sure how I missed your comment. Good for you though for standing so strong by your husband and your vows. I know we all have didn't opinions about what we decide to do after the affair and I respect that. I wish you so much luck with your husband! Please continue to stop by and share your journey!

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  5. I will never again wear the ring that symbolized our eternal love, commitment and loyalty (Love. Commitment. Loyalty. These words sound so ridiculous now). My husband wore the ring that symbolized those ideals throughout his EA. That ring and what it stood for on our wedding day meant nothing to him during his year-long affair and it now means nothing to me.

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  6. Hi.
    After discovering my husbands EA with another woman, I did not take my ring off. We were still married and wanted to work on the marriage. Eight months later I found out about a Physical/Emotional affair he had with ANOTHER woman BEFORE the EA. Then I took my ring off, and I don`t think I will ever put it on again, even though we are still together. This christmas he told me he was thinking about buying new rings. I feel that our wedding rings symbolize lies and deception. The marriage we had back then is over and can never be again. For me the rings were symbols of trust and comittment. He has destroyed that. The rings have no symbolic value anymore....

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  7. I initially took my rings off, while in the deep grief of d day. I put them back on when I decided to stay married. My H was still in the midst of his affair and was not wearing his ring. We have been married twenty years, and I felt that I had earned the right to wear my rings. It was liberating and comforting, and symbolized my new found strength. Oddly the rings were more about my healing and personal pride.

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  8. I took mine off. My excuse was my pregnancy, and they still don't fit yet (it's only 2 weeks post-partum). I was wearing my mother's wedding ring (she passed away 4 years ago and I wore it on my right hand during our wedding ceremony) but I took that off the other day. Not sure H realized it. I love my rings, but I'm not sure I can ever wear them again. He hasn't taken his off, but his lover was/is married too, so they probably looked like they were married to each other when they went to hotels. I haven't decided if I'll stay or go yet.

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  9. I took them off the day I found out about the adultery, and then put them back on the next day and proceeded to take them off and put them on over the next month as more things came to light and I was trying to figure out what was going on.

    Once my H moved out and I stood for our marriage, I put them on and they've stayed on. Here's the funny part (if funny can be used under circumstances like these). My husband took his ring off right before he moved out and it hurt SOOOOO bad to see he had left it on his desk as he went out of town for work. When he came back he moved out the following weekend and I never saw them again. I'd look for them to be back on his finger every time I saw him when he dropped the kids off or vice versa. Never saw them. When we reconciled, he TORE THE HOUSE UP 4 days straight looking for it. Couldn't find them, We spent hours one night at 2am looking for it. He kept saying he didn't feel right, he didn't feel normal w/out it. Never found it. He kept asking me if I took it and threw it away and I actually thought or a bit, "did I?" I couldn't remember, seemed plausible. We went to a marriage counselor about a month later (who didn't work out after that one visit) and as we walk out the office my husband found his wedding ring in his pants pocket! It was so bizarre. It was almost like a sign that we were on the right track.

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  10. Crud, I wasn't finished. :) So the funny part is, as bad as I wanted to see him with his ring back on, I got to see how desperately he WANTED it back on later. It was very surreal.

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  11. I took off my wedding and engagement rings when I found out about my husbands affair. I have since put my engagement ring back on but I wont wear my wedding ring again because of what it symbolised. If I decide to stay in the marraige, I will get a new "eternity" ring.

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  12. I had my share of internet and even an EA .. one night I was sure we were going to get divorced so I went out with friends and ended up drinking and making out with someone Ive never met and bam it finally hit me.. what I was throwing away.. I had been slowly (for about 5 years) giving up on my marriage .. I just thought it would never get better. The very next day (after i went out) I confessed to my husband every little detail of everything I had ever done. Over about a week he said he would stay with me but we have to change. He took his wedding ring off the first night I told him everything. It stays in our safe.. he wont even touch it. Its been 6 months and now I know He will never put it back on. He however, wants me to wear mine at all times. No complaint from me other than his bare finger will always be a reminder of what I did to him..I often think the painful reminder is truly what I deserve. He says hes forgiven me and I have been transparent with everything since, but its so hard not seeing it. Cheating is cheating.. sex or no sex ..EA or full blown affair.. those of us that have partaken truly dont deserve the forgiveness offered so I take my days in stride and hope for the best. thanks for listening.

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  13. I took mine off the day my husband confessed to an affair and opened a safety deposit box. My husband said when he put it on me, "Receive this ring as a pledge and token of wedded love and faithfulness." Both of those promises were gone and I couldn't wear his pledge anymore. We are not sure if we are going to continue or divorce, so I will keep it safely tucked away.

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  14. I took my rings off the day i confronted my husband about his affair, he wouldnt leave and continue to have contact with her , I was left feeling totally betrayed once again, so i smashed my beautiful rings into pieces , the rings that i loved so much became a symbol of his affair . that was a year and a half ago we are still together trying to make it work with not much success and by smashing up my rings only hurt me more as he doesnt care about them at all . this may seem strange but without them i dont think we will ever stand a chance as i feel completely empty inside without them .

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  15. I will never put my rings back on again. Thank you all for posting. I don't feel so alone anymore. I am sorry for all of your experiences and pain, but I am really glad you all shared.

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  16. I took my rings off when I discovered that my H was still lying to me and hadn't broken off contacting that San Franciscan slut Dana as he said he had. I put them back on recently and it seemed to have no effect on my H but I did it because I had seen small glimpses of the man I used to know.
    I'm not sure anymore and feel like taking them off again. As people above have said - they represented our faithful union, which he broke. He's said he doesn't want to take his off but how could he wear them while sleeping with her I don't know?

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  17. I too have taken my wedding ring off the moment I discovered his affair. He is wearing his, but as someone has pointed out already, wearing that ring did not stop him from having sex with someone else.

    Obviously the ring has no meaning, neither has the marriage. He has not left. It has been since December 16th, hell, pure hell. I still argue and do not believe him. I once told him I do hope he really loves me as he says and that he will therefore spend the rest of his life in sadness and regret, just so that he can feel the pain and sadness he has put me through for the rest of my life.

    I have no doubt that happiness is no longer an option for me. I have two beautiful children, I hope I can snap out of this soon as they deserve a full functioning mother.

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  18. I took my ring off. Made him remove his too. I just can't bear it. They are engraved on the inside with dates, initials and love. I will put them away in case my daughter might want them, but as far as I am concerned they are permanently blighted.

    I am wearing what I think of as a 'hope' ring, just a pretty ring, and I hope that our 2 steps forward, 1.5 back ,attempts at reconciliation may work.

    If not, well, I got a pretty ring out of the deal, right?

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  19. These posts are very helpful to me as I have found out about my wifes 6 month affair with coworker. It was my first reaction to take my ring off and it remains off 3 months later. I didnt fully understand what that meant until now. It is a symbol of our love and the vows we took at marriage. She would keep the ring on while meeting her lover in a parking lot for sex twice a week. Now after everything has come out she still seems distant and will not be intimate or even act loving like the woman I married. We have repo kids and that's the only reason Im still here at this point. I told her I'd put the ring on when I felt I had my wife and my marriage back but am not really seeing that happening. How can someone be so reckless and unfaithful and when offered forgiveness still not be accepting. Maybe the problem is me and I need to leave. Idk but thanks for listening

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  20. I literally flushed mine down the toilet. Not for her first transgression (she came clean, was clearly upset and remorseful, answered any question I asked), or for the second, because I was a doormat and let her, but for the third, which she just went ahead and did, and "oopsed" so I found out, the minute I learned of it, I walked into the bathroom and off it came. I literally pissed on it, and flushed the whole thing. Childish? Of course, but it was that or something far more drastic.

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  21. I've taken my engagement ring off twice now. Once was an oops, but at the same time when I realized I had forgotten it I didn't rush to go put it back on. Rather I went about my day at work and just didnt wear it that day. The other time I put it back in the box it came in and packed up a few of my things to leave for some time. I had every intention to leave, at least in the heat of the moment, but after a few hours of being gone I already knew I had overreacted and shouldn't have left in the first place. Im young, active duty, and in the Navy. My partner is 27 and in the Navy as well. I think about the things my parents have said so often about their marriage, that the grass is never greener on the other side...its only greenest where you choose to water it and tend to the lawn. I never realized how hard that actually is to carry out in action vice just saying it out loud. My partner and I went through a few hardships, and unwanted abortion and cheating being part of our past. We spent 6 months apart at one point, and reconciled back in September. He asked me to marry him in October. I know how symbolic a ring is, I know how detrimental it is to take it off and how it can hurt others. I genuinely feel ashamed of the action now and don't know how to fix things on my end, how to make them better and take that hurt back in some way. I've realized these days I have a bit of an anger issue. So much resentment and bitterness about our history, and at the same time I know how much I love him and how time and forgiveness can heal anything. I guess I just don't know how to forgive him fully? If that makes sense. I acknowledge that he is sorry and that it happened, and I acknowledge all the effort he has since put in to our relationship, but it is so ridiculously hard to not FEAR it all happening again. In the wake of that fear I seem to cause my own misery and anger, and am pushing him away. On some level it makes me think back to being a kid and lying to my parents, and I wonder how they dealt with slowly having to trust me again over time that I wouldnt continue to lie. Its on a much smaller scale of distrust, white lies dont compare to cheating in my book and dont register with that amount of betrayal and pain that is associated with affairs, but none the less it must be the same process? If any of you have advice on how to reach forgiveness in a relationship with someone who has cheated, please feel free to share with me because I could use the wisdom of those who have been through similar situations. I could also use advice on how to regain my trust and how to alleviate the pain I have caused by going postal and taking my ring off a second time. I feel like I've broken him and ruined all possibilities of our relationship and am just looking for some way to save it and work on my own flaws.

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  22. I have read all your stories and understood the pain you have gone through. you will enjoy life again only if you invite god in it and forgive completely your betrayer. My situation is different he has his affair because I stopped being intimate with him. We have 4 kids and he never treat me good. mistress is pregnant. I threw away my ring since hr never wore his. He said I made him infidel which is not true. He cheated because he wanted it. I did not make him do anything.if he stops the lies put on his ring have himself checked for std I told him there will be no recovery no intimacy.

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    1. I meant unless he stops the lies put on his ring have himself checked for std there will be no recovery no intimacy.

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  23. I took my ring off after finding my wife having an EA to an old BF that she dated 26 years prior. I will never wear my ring again. Although I have forgiven her, that ring and the memories with it went straight down the toilet. NOPE, not going to happen. I kept my ring on for over 24 years and never took it off and now she wants me to wear one again. Too bad, she should have thought about that before she did what she did. She can hit the road if she doesnt like it and nope, never will remarry again even if my marriage fails. Screw me once shame on me, Screw me twice shame on you.

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  24. My name is Janet from usa,i want to say thanks to dr abiza for how he restored my marraige back within three days.My husband left me and two kids for eight months to stay with another woman, as if that was not enough he stoped paying our bills. One faithful day as i was browsing through my laptop i came accross a testimony by Mr Robert of how he gain his wife back after two years of seperation with the help of a great spell caster called Dr abiza through this address (drabizaspelltemple20@hotmail.com).so i decided to give it a try and i contacted him through the email address Mr Robert pasted along with his testimony. After some minutes of chat with the spell caster he told me what to do which i really did. To cut my own testimony short, my husband came home after three days as said by the spell caster, begging me on his knees to forgive him for the ill treatment he gave to me and the kids.Now am happy with my family again.

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