Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Popped My Head Out of the Hole

So yesterday my dad called again. He has been calling me continuously for over 5 months and I have ignored the call each time. I haven't been able to talk to him and almost all of my friends (except for two) since I found out about the affair. I just can't take the criticism over not leaving my husband. I need to figure things out on my own within my own mind rather than taking in what other people think and feel (even though they have never been in my situation).

So when he called yesterday, I looked at the phone and contemplated whether or not to answer. On a whim, I just answered it.

It didn't go as bad as I anticipated for so many months. He said that he doesn't blame me for staying. He said I shouldn't feel so ashamed because I am not the only one who has to deal with something like this. He also invited all of us (including my husband) to visit next summer (my parents live in a foreign country).

I am not interested in visiting. I may feel differently next year but right now, I can't travel around as a happy little family when I feel like it's all still in wreckage.

I had a lot of anxiety after getting off the phone despite how well it went. I saw my psychologist last night and we discovered that the anxiety is from a part of me that thinks it has to now open the door to other people and completely come out of the shelter of my hole. Understanding that I don't have to completely come out of hiding yet is really reassuring and made me calm down...

I guess it is a step in the right direction. It scares me because it's a sign that life is getting back to normal at least a tiny bit and that means that I am vulnerable again. I don't ever want to be hurt like I have been again. I am so scared of it...at least I know that I lived through it once and has shown me how strong I really am... but who wants to suffer like that again? Blah.

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