Saturday, March 12, 2011

Blaming the Innocent for the Affair

A recent comment from Mrs Bad Ass has led me to this post. It's so true what she said about people blaming the innocent person in an affair. As soon as everyone found out that my husband cheated on me, I suspected people must have thought "What's wrong with her that he cheated on her?" So not only did I get slapped in the face by my husband but my friends as well. My ex best friend even, (yes, the one who wrote that email in my last post) asked me about our sex life. She was under the impression that I didn't like sex or didn't give into it often. Is almost everyday often enough for you? Yes, so when he was having the affair...he was having sex all the time.

But that's beside the point, the point is that no one truly understands the reason for infidelity...sometimes not even the people caught up in it. Of course, there's always things you can point your finger at...but they may never be the real reason why he strayed.

People really need to keep their eyes on the sinner rather than the abused. It's like when people blame rape victims saying that they deserve it because they dress or act a certain way. People want to blame the hurt because the hurt ones won't fight back since they are so weak.

5 comments:

  1. My marriage survived an affair 3 years ago. I think one of the most harming factors of any marriage is listening to the opinions of others about how you should or should not feel, what you should or shouldn't do. This does not only apply to an affair but to relationship/marriage problems in general. While you may be offended by what your best-friend said, you should also beware of others advice/opinions of your current situation. That includes the random, uneducated opinions of those who leave posts on this blog.

    There should be three opinions that count. Yours, your husbands and Gods. While I will be the last one to stuff my views down your throat, I agree with your (ex) best-friend that YOU need to decide what is most important to YOU and what your long-term plan is.

    When I was going through, I had to decided when I was going to genuinely work towards a resolution. That did not mean that I was going to forget all that had happened, it just meant that I was going to give US a chance at redemption. As long as I held grudges, and blew up at every trigger I knew that our shot at redemption would never come because of the emotional prison that we were in.

    The hardest part of any affair is forgiveness but this is an essential step in the road to recovery. This may be hard for you to digest and that is understandable. It was extremely hard for me. But once you make up in your mind that you are ready to forgive, you will find that your marriage will begin to see brighter days. I pray that you find the strength to forgive and I pray that you are able to let go of the anger that you are holding on to.

    P.S. sometimes people tell us things that we need to hear even when we don't want to hear it. Often times these things come from people in our lives that really care enough about us to say it. Many times we call these people - Bestfriends. Think about it InfidelityRage.

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  2. Thank you so much for your comment. I understand what you are saying. However, I think her delivery of it was all wrong. Instead of having a discussion with me and just nicely saying, "how do feel right now...do you think those feelings will change?" Instead, it came across as an attack.
    She knows I am very careful in my parenting. I would never do anything to hurt my children. I hope a good open communication with my 5 year old. I believe this turmoil will help her in the long run with understanding that people make mistakes and there are consequences for them. But it doesn't mean you have to end a marriage..instead you work through it.
    My friend also lives very far from me. She doesn't see how we are. We have many many good days in between the bad. I don't blow up at every trigger anymore...so our home isn't a ball of tension. This is why, if she had approached me with a concerned and helpful tone, I would have calmly explained to her what is happening with me and my process.

    Anyway, yes, I understand what she was trying to say...but I hate the way she said it. :)

    Thank you again for sharing your experience and thoughts. Three years from now I hope to be in the place you are. :)

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  3. My husband had an affair five years ago and I chose to forgive him and work through it with him. We even did a re-commitment ceremony and he tattooed my name on his arm. Just last week I found out that he has had several more affairs since then. There is something to be said for the once a dog, always a dog mentality. I feel twice betrayed, since I chose to forgive him and let him back in my life. I also feel incredibly stupid for trusting him again. I know that many men cheat once and learn their lesson. But many more will cheat and cheat again. Unfortunately for me, my soon to be ex-husband is a serial cheater. I have friends who didn't understand why I chose to stay with him. It is going to be difficult and embarassing to have to tell them what has now happened. It's incredibly humiliating.

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  4. That is my biggest fear - that he will cheat again and AGAIN I will end up looking like the fool!! I haven't shared with many people what he did - NOBODY in my family knows.. the kids don't know, and only a handful of friends know (because I worked with them and I couldn't hide my devistation). I know that if he cheats again, not only will I be posting the revenge sign, his name and her namen, and the first OW's name will be going up all over the internet and I will tell EVERYONE what HE did. He is terrified that people will know, and I am using this to my advantage. He was horrified that I had told my doctor when I went in for the STD tests! HA! Why would I need the tests otherwise? Anyway, I am trying to NOT buy into the "once a cheater always a cheater" mentality, but it is so scary to hope otherwise. I NEVER thought he could do this in the first place....

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  5. I don't buy into this 'having to forgive' him. Never will. Forgiveness to me (my definition) is that it is to forgive AND forget and letting them off the hook - making it ok for what they did. That's my definition, not God's, the bible or others. I hear other people who say its the greatest gift one can give themselves because they no longer hold onto the hate, a grudge, nothing.

    Not me. Sorry. I've had a lot of people in my life who have hurt me. My stepfather is one, who molested me. I never forgave him but I have healed. Completely, long long ago. I knew I healed when I could be in the same room and feel completely at rest and indifferent towards him. Not hate, not anger, not - anything at all. But never once do I ever forgive him. FOrgiveness is ONLY FOR God to do. Not me.

    Same goes for my husband. One of the greatest blogs out there I read is about a woman who was 10 years out of an affair, had a great marriage and also stated with utmost confidence - she never will forgive him. What a relief to hear that.

    Its not about ME. or my forgiveness. Its about my husband and the damage he's done and what he needs to do to restore it to the best of his ability. He and God will deal with the forgiveness issue. Well, I sure yap don't i?

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