Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Celebrate Anniversary after Affair?

Phew... Thank goodness it's almost over...

All in all, I did pretty good today. I actually like not celebrating the anniversary because it joins my mind and heart a little more. If I haven't said before, I feel like my mind says, "Shame on you for staying with him after he betrayed you in the worst way!" but my heart says, "You love him and you know he loves you...why turn away from that?" I really think this not being married thing (legally we still are) is really what is working for me...

It's doesn't work for everyone though - my husband grandmother sent a text today to wish us a Happy Anniversary. I responded politely saying that we don't celebrate it anymore because "broken vows = broken marriage = no anniversary" She wrote back and said that it's a celebration of us finding each other. Can't agree with that because that would be in November then...which is when we met.

In my opinion, anniversaries are a celebration of the day that you stood before God and made a promise to be with one another (and only one another) for as long as you both shall live. Now, that promise was broken by him...so that day is basically a lie and is dissolved. All the meaning of that day has been taken away from me because he did not live up to his vows.

I mean it's fine with me not having the anniversary - I would rather just throw the wedding photos away too. They mean nothing now...it used to mean a lot to me... it was one of the most special days of my life - and now, it's just blah.

Oh and I forgot to mention that my husband's grandmother started on her spiel about forgiveness... this has nothing to do with forgiveness - it has to do with the fact that the day is not special anymore - I mean what if I forgive him - does that make the vows sacred again? Not really...I mean they were still broken. I just don't get it...

Okay, so I want to know - how many of you would still celebrate your anniversary and why?

26 comments:

  1. I understand where you are coming from. When I see articles in the paper of people celebrating their 25th, 40th, or 50th, I wonder if someone cheated in that relationship.

    As for me, I couldn't really celebrate our 20th. I didn't buy him anything. I did write a list of 20 things I've loved about my life with him. I don't think I could do that today -- feeling angry again.

    I am ambivalent about the anniversary now. It doesn't break my heart, and I can be proud that I've abided by my vows. I hate to think of what he did though. What an ass!

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  2. I bet something catastrophic happens in those marriages that have lasted so long ... it's just that one of them decides to swallow their pride and keep going. My husband's grandfather cheated repeatedly on his grandmother and she basically turned her head. She is proud that she was married for 50+ years but I don't know...How proud can you be of a marriage with broken vows? I would much rather be proud of a marriage that survived 50 years while others crumble.

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    1. BINGO! Right on the button. I just choked it down and went about living my life, with her (the cheater). Our 40th is this upcoming Jan1, 2013. I already threw away my "wedding" ring (she doesn't know that, thinks it just got "lost"), and I get her a card and take her to dinner, not to celebrate the anniversary, but simply to keep the peace. If in her mind we're celebrating, fine with me. I'm simply avoiding another rage attack.

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  3. I feel the exact same way you do! Vows were broken...so therefore... There is nothing to celebrate because the marriage ended as soon as those broken vows, broken promises, and lies were chosen. 2 became one flesh... And man tore flesh apart how do you celebrate that??? I don't!!!!!

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  4. I am really glad I found this, because I thought I was a freak for staying with him and for not wanting to celebrate the anniversary date. We have a son together who is almost 13. My husband and I, for the most part, are civil. I can't stand the thought of celebrating my once special day either. I will probably divorce him though once my son is 18 unless my husband is dead first, as he is 14 years older than me.

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  5. I have an enormous wedding and it is noticeably off my finger. He wears his but I refuse to since our marriage was a shame. He hates it but too f-ing bad. I will NEVER celebrate the day we were married again. We would have had our twentieth coming up in March. He was such a good and wonderful husband all those years, I never had the slightest idea. I die every day. It will be two years in March that I found out he has been cheating since we were married three months. It's a long story and I should probably have my own page but bottom line is he has been "clean" since March 27, 2011 and I agreed to stay with him but I am still dead inside.

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  6. I just did NOT celebrate my 8 year wedding anniversary, I caught him 2 months before...my wedding vows seem so hollow now...like they meant nothing at all. He is still here and says his one night stand and subsequent 3 month long distance texting was nothing...like it wasn't real. I wish i felt as if it were not real.

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    1. Wow, your story could have been mine, except we have 15 years married (20 together). His was a two month sexting affair that started around Thanksgiving on Facebook, progressed to massive texting (sexting), and a one night (actually an afternoon) affair on December 14th of 2012. It only stopped when I happened to look over his shoulder on Facebook on the night of January 25th, 2013, and caught them right in the middle of sending filthy messages. He also said it meant nothing, he was just "in a fog". I feel the same as everyone here-the vows now mean absolutely nothing, the day is no longer special and today, April 21st is our anniversary. I have no desire to even acknowledge the day, it's just one more day of pain for me in a long, ongoing succession of them. I don't think I will even want to celebrate Christmas either. They were carrying on all through the holidays-Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's. Does this pain never end?

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  7. Ouch! I think I can relate to that. After I've found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, I still can't forgive him about that. But I've read somewhere, be mad at the sin not with that person. Everybody deserves a second chance. Although the thought of him doing it again still cross my mind, I'd rather let it pass coz I'll be the one in pain again. So far, I've seen changes, better changes and I like it. So the second chance I gave him is worth it. so last anniversary, I send him the sweetest wedding anniversary messages I could ever tell him and make him love me more. That's only my opinion. Peace.

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    1. My husband cheated on me and I forgave him within two days of finding out. WHY YOU ASK? Because forgiving him was giving me my life back. It helps me not to be vengeful or retaliate in any way. I forgave him for MY peace of mind so that I would not become so wrapped up in his betrayal. I did not want to have a heavy heart all the time, nor did I want to feel hateful all the time, and I certainly did not want to be suspicious all the time. You bet your boots I do question everything he does, I watch him constantly without him knowing. Why because I do not want to be humiliated, played, lied to, talked about with his lover, pay their fun time bills, or any other feelings that one has when a spouse cheats. Forgive him for YOU not for him

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    2. Bravo! These women on here should take your advice you seem far from the pain than they are. you did it for u.!! The most important person. Bravo. Even if u catch him again at least you gave him a chance. If u never catch him enjoy the rest of your married life, bravo

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  8. Hi , i'm in the same boat and having a tough time of it at the moment - we got married 4 years ago tomorrow and now have a 3yr old ,2yr old and a 1 yr old , , 5 weeks ago my wife got drunk and had sex with my best mate on my couch when me and the kids were asleeep upstairs - i still love her and really want to try and make it work , she's mortified and very sorry etc etc ,but i am struggling with the same emotions about aaour wedding dsy ... i just don't know what to do tomorrow , do i give her a card ? a gift ? i don't think i want to - in my mind everything she said on our wedding day means nothing to me now - don't get me wrong , i want to get over this but i just don't know if that's going to be possible .... help !

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    1. I found out my wide if six years had cheated on me with her bf and had sex with him once at least that's what she says. My anniversary is coming and I don't think I could celebrate that day anymore. She seems like she's trying but you know after an affair everything seems like lies and you are always double guessing.

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  9. I feel for you.I just came across this what did you do in the end?

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  10. struggled on for the sake of the kids , it's been 2 months now and i've just booked an appointment with the doc re:my mental state ...it's just a heartbreaking disaster of catastrophic proportions :(

    thanks for noticing my pain

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  11. My husband works in ag at a dock and works late hours, but the hours became later and later. I thought that in the ten years he worked there they had never worked that late. One night while waiting up for him I decided that I would leave and go get a motel room and when he got home and I wasn't there he would feel how I felt. I chose three places to stay in a nearby town but when I got to each of them they were all booked up. (I know it sounds phony but its not) I have Congestive Heart Failure and had forgotten my blood thinners so I decided to go back to my city and stay at a Super 8 motel we have there. Got the room, was looking for a place to park ( the place was unusually full) finally found one and proceeded to get my stuff out of my trunk. I turned to go and find my room and noticed a truck that was very familiar. I thought to myself "Naw no way would HE cheat". I walked towards the truck and looked in the drivers side window and noticed the cross I had given him hanging from the rear view mirror. I started to shake uncontrollably and tried to call/text him but he wouldn't answer. Went back to the check in desk told the guy I had not even entered the room and that my husband blah blah. Only I did not sound coherent because I was in shock. The guy knew immediately what had happened refunded my money and said he was sorry. Upon turning around to get in my car to leave I tripped and fell on a long parking cement bar and really hurt myself. To this day I do not know how I got home. Whats streets I took. Within minutes of reaching my home my husband was there and I started screaming at him and told him to leave. Men are so stupid! The next day he came back and was telling me things his lover and he had talked about and some of it included me. I found it odd that he would talk to me like I was a coworker or something. I truly believe my husband had a breakdown of some sort because shortly before this affair something really bad happened at work and his work record was spotless but this incident rocked him. It is not an excuse to have an affair but I forgave him because I love him and I forgave him for me. Forgiving someone is not always about them it is about you! My final thought is our wedding anniversary is 8-19 do we celebrate or what?

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  12. It's not about forgiveness....it's about broken trust. Our marriage and sex life were great before this....I never saw it coming. Even though I've forgiven him, it doesn't take the pain or doubt away. I believe forgiveness is the "Christian thing to do" , but I also feel that God gives us memory for a reason.
    I am dreading our anniversary....it would have been our 5th. It's a few months away and I cringe when I think about it. I don't think I even want to see him on that day. It just reminds me of how casual and easy it was to break our vows....how little they meant. Why would I want to celebrate now?
    I've agreed to work on and try to salvage our marriage, but honestly I have good days and bad days. Thinking about our upcoming anniversary stirs up so much disappointment in my heart...that I want to call up a lawyer. Do I really want to be in a marriage if I can't celebrate our anniversary? Not what I dreamed of.....no fairy tale, thats for sure. Will I feel this anxiety and sadness every year??? Does it ever get better?

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  13. It doesn't get better. I can't get over the pain,and he justs wants me to get over it and move forward. our anniversary (would have been 21 years), is in two weeks and I don't want to celebrate it either. We just got back together last October, he was living with her on our 20th anniversary. We are going to get in a big fight, but it just hurts too much, I can't deal with the broken vows, and then celebrate an anniversary every year. How can you celebrate something that hurts too much????

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  14. My anniversary is next week. my d-day was on my birthday because he was out of town fucking his skank of the past 10+ yrs usually on my birthday...AND he was usually out of town fucking the same skank on our wedding anniversary as well. So WILL I choose to celebrate this day since he is now committed to "us" after I outed him? NO.FUCKING.WAY.

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  15. It's been 36 years since my wife's affair with a co-worker. (We had only been married a year.) It's still painful to me. We stayed together and had three great kids, but the marriage has never been exactly right. We have had a decent life, but it's not the life or marriage that I wanted. It's probably not what she wanted either. Who wants a marriage with adultery in it? We stopped celebrating wedding anniversaries long ago. The wedding means nothing to me. I don't feel like celebrating. I never will. I love her, but our marriage is damaged. I am damaged. The truth is that if I had it to do over again, I would have made different choices. My wife is not a terrible person. She is a good person in most ways. But she did this terrible thing that has made my life more painful and difficult than it needed to be. I wish I could find a way to get completely past it. I don't see that ever happening. Our marriage has survived the adultery. I have survived it. But I'm changed. I'm scarred. I won't ever be exactly right either.

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  16. I found out 6 months ago my husband had a 7 month affair. Not only that he left me for her but came back after 2 weeks due to my begging. We have been working on reconciliation, but you can't erase the mental images from your mind. I found out today that on our last anniversary (just 3 years) he spent his regular lunch time with her getting his daily blow job. This after every time I asked him he denied it. I spent the day out buying a gift for him telling him he was my best friend and the most amazing man I met. For her birthday a few days later he bought her a vibrator. He bought me crappy flowers All while his mom was up visiting. How do you ever look at that day the same way. It was the best day of my life marrying a good man, or so I thought. Now all I will ever see is her sucking his cock. I am so sick of all this.

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  17. Thank you so much for this! I truly thought I was the only one who felt this way. Today's my anniversary and I feel like my heart's being ripped out. I'll never feel this day is anything but a reminder of how stupid I am for ever being with him. I can't see celebrating when I feel nauseous from the pain. Thankfully, no one has bothered saying happy anniversary. Why would they? They know there's nothing but pain where so much love and hope used to be.
    I wish everyone here the love and happiness they deserve.

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  18. Omg I am happy to see that I am no in this boat alone! This was written a few years back and it's sad that the cycle just continues- I was confused on how to deal with this day but after reading this post....I must agree, the vows have been broken so there is not need to even acknowledge the day. My husband has not cheated...at least to my knowledge but there is a bunch of other things that he has no held up to. Situations such as these are very unfortunate and I'm just happy that I am at a point in my life...that I can hold my head high and continue to be the best mom to our son! Thanks again

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  19. Yesterday was my anniversary. Our 16th. It is the second anniversary since d day. We have decided to call it an un-iversary! I did not want to celebrate on that day, but tonight we plan to go out and have some fun without our kids. No mention of anniversaries and alcohol should help. We have a civil relationship and he is trying. Me hating him and our broken vows only leaves me hurting. It doesn't punish him. It does get easier. Everyday you have to choose to love, otherwise you will be forever broken. I didn't get a choice about his affair, but I get a choice to be the person I admire! Happy un-aversary to you all, may you feel peace and love!

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  20. Thank you so much Ekpikuspelltemple@live.com for all your hard work. I really believe that you are real. . I'm so grateful for all your help for getting back my husband.Ekpikuspelltemple@live.com I believe that you have helped me turn my life around and get out of a rather dark and scary place. I can not thank you enough. God bless you....Joyce

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  21. Wow! Yesterday was our 35 the wedding anniversary. My husband had a two year affair and tells me he never was going to leave me, she was just easy and convenient. Celebrating an anniversary sounds so horrible, the broken vows, the non respect and the destruction of me and our family. I'm trying every day to survive and move on, the memories and the things that trigger memories of what he did control my every moment. I'm confused about how to proceed? He says he has always loved me, wants our marriage, tries very hard, I can't get passed the lies and deceit. She was 25 years younger and totally after him for money and power.

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