My husband arrived shortly after my discovery of the reason why I have had so much trouble sleeping the last few nights. See my last post. I wasn't doing well. I could tell I was being pulled into the past..into last year. My husband, of course, was so excited to see me and it took everything for me to get a smile out. Finally, I just told him that I couldn't do this and that I wasn't doing well. He was put off by it and said, "I understand you don't want to be around me right now." But that wasn't it, I did want to be around him. I couldn't deal with this on my own. He ended up holding me as I cried like a little baby saying how I don't know how I got through last year…I just don't know. I must have been someone else, that was the only way I did it. That I couldn't go through the same thing again…I just couldn't. He comforted me and then I had a realization.
It's interesting how I realized what I have been internally upset about all week right before he got home. Almost as if my subconscious was protecting me… it wouldn't let me see what I was struggling with until I had someone who could take care of me. It knew that the pain would I bear would be too much on my own. Maybe it also wanted to show me that even though my husband was the one person who couldn't console me before…may be the one person that I really need now. Is it possible that the one person who hurt me so much be the one person who can heal me?