Monday, August 8, 2011

Mourning the End of Our Marriage: First Anniversary

I broke down a few times today thinking about where I was at this time last year, where he was this time last year and everything that lead to my life falling apart. As I was so depressed that I could hardly bare to think about it anymore, I decided to join my husband when he announced he had to go to bed.

As I laid there, I couldn't help but wonder why exactly I am so devastated. I questioned why it was that my husband could go through the day as if it meant nothing to him, while I struggled to keep it together. He told me that I have no idea how it is for him... which in my husband's words is "I don't want to tell you that I don't think about it so I will tell you this because it's not really lying this way."

I tried to ignore my resentment towards this and started to analyze my thoughts and feelings. Then, I realized what really bothers me is that this day marked the end of my marriage. This night was the night I took my wedding rings off for the first time and have never put them back on since. This is the night that I lost my faith in marriage.

As I explained this to him, he immediately told me that this wasn't how he felt. I had to remind him that it's fine he doesn't feel this way, but it's how I feel and that's why I am so devastated. See, it devastates him too so instead of dealing with it, he just refuses to accept it. He runs away from anything...ANYTHING....that causes him pain.

As for me...I run  to pain and embrace it...I let it seep into me until it just doesn't hurt anymore - until I am numb. Tonight, I truly embraced the loss of my marriage. I explained what marriage meant to me...I thought when I married someone that I was going to be with that person forever. That we would have kids, be a family and deal with any of life's horrible situations together so that someday we would look back and think about all the wonderful things that we shared as well as all of the things that we had to deal with.

Now, of course, you could argue that the affair is one of life's horrible situations. But no, not for me...see what I mean are things that happen TO us not what one of us does to the other. This was an attack from the one person who was supposed to be by my side forever. This is the person who committed to me but then decided to uncommitt to be with someone else. When his grandfather was dying - it wasn't US getting through it - it was him and her getting through it. It was him saying, our committment to each other, our vows, our life together isn't important to me now...Our marriage ended with that.

As I face another year after the affair, I wonder what it will be like. I wonder how my views on life, marriage and the future will change. What will I say next year on the second anniversary? How will I feel? Only time will tell....

1 comment:

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