Monday, January 23, 2012

Renewal of Vows After the Affair and Faith

My husband has become spiritual since the affair. He has opened himself up to God and has really taken an interest in turning his life around.

Yesterday, we went to speak to the priest about him becoming baptized and confirmed in the Catholic church. The priest asked if we were married in the Catholic church. We explained to him that we weren't because it was important to my husband that we get married in a specific church in his hometown since his whole family for generations had been married in that church. It's Methodist.

The priest said it was completely fine but that we would have to renew our vows so that I would have the sacrament of marriage in the Catholic church. HUH?

I immediately felt sick. What do you mean we have to renew vows... I don't want to do that. My husband cheated on me...made a promise to God that he would be faithful to me forever and broke it. Now, he wants to make another promise. Nope, don't think so.

In mass, the priest talked about dropping your net and following Him. I felt like this is a message from God saying that I should have faith in Him and renew our vows. Kind of like forgiving him completely and moving forward with a new marriage with my faith in God that this time my husband would fulfill that promise.

It still didn't feel right to me. I spoke to my awesome friend, who uncovered something.

It may not be my husband's promise that I am running away from...it may actually be the promise that I would need to make to God in that I wouldn't end the marriage.

Since the affair, I don't truly believe in the vows of marriage. I also don't feel so wrong about divorce. I feel more easily swayed to take that path of divorce than I did before. I can't make a promise that says, "till death do us part."

I don't know what will happen in the future. I don't know if I may end up divorcing him. I can't make a promise to God and then break it. I can't betray him that way. At least not now... and I don't know if I ever will.

I think this is where society goes so wrong sometimes. They make promises and then break them. I know that God forgives...but I can't make him a promise after what I've been through and the realization that I could make the decision to divorce.

I will know when it's right for me to do something like and right now isn't it...

13 comments:

  1. Hello there! I am nearly at the second anniversary of my DDay. I still do not wear my wedding ring, and like you I believe in relationship, and not in marriage vows, which were broken anyway. For me broken vows rendered the papers useless too. I also don't hold a flag against divorce, because I would not go through all the suffering if it happen again, so divorce is for me an option now.
    We are in a good place in our marriage. The thoughts of the affair does not rip me apart inside as it used to do. However I am getting used to the idea, that this is part of our story, and it will always make me sad inside that it happened at all. I just want to learn to use the pain as a way to grow our relationship, to take it to the level of " in spite of the pain, we are better now than ever". I am trying to learn, but this is bloody difficult. I question and question myself, him and everything around us. Trying to understand what was really true about our dead relationship and what were mere perceptions, created by a desire of having a good relationship. Was I living a fantasy?
    I know that all these feelings are because my trust is not restored yet. My husband is doing all he can to show me he is sorry. I trust a little, that he will not cause us pain because he is suffering too. But didn't he promised that before anyway? and the fog made him forget his promises? I know this is the clue to my complete healing, and I working on it. It is not easy! It is work and work... and hard work. Good luck to you and your husband. Go give us strength.

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  2. Renewing vows? Sure, that'll fix everything. I mean the first time around these men didn't know the meaning or what? My husband is deeply involved in church now. Not me. That's his cross to bear. I don't need to change my ways or how I was living. We didn't go to church before and I'm not going to be the doting wife pretending to stand by him no matter what. I have no problem at all him seeking out God and the church if it helps and for my husband it did. All the more power to him. Renewing vows though? I'd rather die than look at him saying how he'd love, honor, cherish and be forever faithful to me. gag. That's kind of like when my uncle would drown a fly then pour salt on him to revive him and look at me saying see, the little fly wasn't hurt at all, he's going to be ok. Lets torture and kill the little sucker and then save his life and I'll feel better about it.

    Renewing vows is the same thing. Torture the wife, kill her hopes, dreams and future and then here, lets revive it with some words? Action. That's all that counts to me. action. not words. Vows are more for the betrayer than the betrayed in my opinion.

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  3. I need my own blog, I'm throwing up all over yours. Sorry for all my comments :(

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    1. I think you are being realistic, that's all.

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    2. It has been 8 months since I took off my ring on our 24th wedding anniversary when I learned of his affair. He is very remouseful and working on things in ways I never thought he could. I fear that it is my inability to accept any of these things he is offering now as real. It hurts me every thime I look at my wedding finger. His is tattoed on. He had even commented. I cant take mine off. My mane on his arm. But that didnt stop him from discracing and dishonoring me and putting me at risk of STD's and ripping apart what I thought was a great family. 24 YEARS!!! Our kids were finally grown up and we could finally have fun together. I thought we were. Whatever. Im so angry. I told him I would wear it again if he could tell me what those vows really meant. the fact that he hasnt yet makes me wonder. He sees me cry every day, and when I asked him about if it he says he doesnt think I am ready. The only thing I wasnt ready for was him betraying me and disgracing our family the way he did. . I still think he could renew a promise to me with a new ring. I have not broken mine.

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  4. STILL in TRAUMA -- 3 years after D-Day -- but wish I could move on....

    Less than a month after our 17 year wedding anniversary, I found 5 days of emails (with pictures) that proved beyond a doubt my husband was cheating on me.
    The emails were amazing and showed a very charming side of him I had not experienced in our marriage for quite some time.
    For instance, he told her she looked "Smokin HOT! But, it is the inside that really counts...
    AND, he even shared a very sweet story about him and our daughter taking a woodland hike.
    Later that night,
    After admitting to having "only sex", he said he ended it, but did not.
    A month later, while I was out of town with our kids, he rented a hotel room to see her one last time. Apparently, at this time he also broke it off.
    Months later, we decided to try and reconcile. We worked on transparency, honest and trying to build trust again. Unfortunately, he kept the truth well hidden. I found out more and more a little at a time.
    -The affair had not been 2 years --- but six.
    -He did not use protection
    -He did not consider AIDS because he and his affair partner promised
    each other they would not see or have sex with anyone else besides eachother (and thier marriage partners)
    -He hid her identity, saying she was a young,lesbian dancer. I found out one year post D-day, she is a married mom of 2 who lives nearby.
    Our kids are in the same school district.

    I do love him very much and hope we can work things out. I also do not think he is lying about anything anymore. He is genuine and forthcoming.

    But, the news is still so painful, mainly because it was also an emotional relationship and it lasted for SO LONG. I cannot even think or allow myself to remember anything about US during that time period now.
    Because of all this trauma, I still suffer from PTSD symptoms like intrusive, repeated frightening thoughts, horrible "awareness" of what really happened. I also am feeling tons of anxiety, have lost about 20 lbs and now underweight because I usually don't feel like eating since the discovery of his affair.

    It is too difficult to remember because I discovered what I thought was "our marriage" was very overlapped with his affair. Good times, bad times,
    he always had me, his wife, and whenever he wanted, he could see his girlfriend.
    (I discovered they also had coffee dates, lunch dates and watched sports events together.)

    After seeing cell phone bills, I compared the dates and times with what I could remember was happening in our life then. VERY SAD.
    For instance, they met on Sunday afternoons for sex and typically, he and I spent all day Mondays together, mostly making love.

    What I now know was his reality, is NOT my reality. I cannot be both.

    I feel like I am always in between two world now. The present, and then the one that preceeds the time of his lengthy affair. Typically, we don't talk about that time much anymore. He gets upset when I bring it up.
    I wonder why?? It was a total LOSS for me. For him, he was enjoying me as his bread and butter and his secret girlfriend was his cake. And boy oh boy did he eat it too!

    Yes, pain for both of us -after D-day. But totally different kinds of pain.
    During that time, because he not only broke our vows, but also endangered my life, and.. the worst...He lied to me about our relationship and our marriage AND family. He criticized me a lot, but paid her compliments and respect. And I was a stay home mom, doing everything a lot by myself it seems.

    Still having trauma symptoms, weight loss and anxiety but our relationship is solid.
    I want to find out WHAT marriage means to each of us and collectively.
    Then, the plan would be to re-say or wedding vows and really mean them this time. I don't want to live in 2 worlds anymore, and would rather reinvent our marriage and make the best for ourselves and eachother.

    It is now and the future that really matter, so I am focusing on building.
    So is he

    Anyone been in a situation like this.?

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    Replies
    1. If there is any chance you are reading this, please reply how you are doing. I would love to talk to you.

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  5. Yes me. Two worlds but just found out 3months ago.
    Still dealing with shock. Relying on God but ashamed of my venting to friends I'm so hurt whatever I feel is on my sleeve.

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  6. My Dday was Sunday March 31 2013. Easter Sunday.
    Hurt, shocked, ashamed, and feel like I'm dead on the inside.

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  7. My DDay was Aug 7,2013 only two months ago. We were on and off trying to work things out but I always ended up angry and would break it off again. We finally decided to work it out after he and the mistress finally ended the affair three weeks ago. It is very hard to move past it. I know we are both going through our own emotional rollercoaster of feelings. I tend to blame myself for the affair and he is dealing with guilt and shame. I pray every day that we are able to work it out. We have two beautuful children and are now attending marriage counseling. Pray for us! The only way I would renew my vows is if it came from him because I didnt break them he did. Although we were very young when we married it is still no excuse!

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  8. Sometimes wedding happens different from expectations. This may be due to low budget or many other personal reasons. Vow renewal is the best way to fulfill you expectations that you had at time of wedding.

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  9. After 2 years of marriage I discovered my wife had an affair. We worked with two counselors for several months and decided to try again. Two years later we had a daughter and 6.5 years later we had another. When our second daughter was 2 1/2 my wife had another affair. Very quickly thereafter it came out that the real count was not 2 but more like 7 or 8. "It depends on what you consider an affair" I think was the explanation. We subsequently divorced and raised the girls as divorced parents, both girls turned out wonderful and successful but I'm sure they'll have their issues. Meanwhile, I spent a great deal of time reliving the pain and the 'what ifs' over the years. My belief now is: cheaters cheat - that's what they do. They may not plan on it, but once that threshold has been crossed it becomes easier, like any other experience or training, each subsequent time. My advice, 17 years later, is to forgive the offending partner as soon as possible and walk away - don't look back, don't listen to any pleas, just get on with whatever life you have left. The forgiveness is not for them it is for you. Do you really want to trade each of your remaining days for one filled with distrust and worry or worse. Move on, you may find someone wonderful or someone just really nice to talk to; either way, it is far better than the situation you left behind. My 2 cents.

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