Getting a Referral Tomorrow for a Therapist

I have an appointment tomorrow with my new physician and I'll be asking for a referral to a new therapist. I thought about calling our old therapist that did our individual and couples counseling, but I've basically coined him as another person seeing my husband as "golden child."

He's all YAY over my husband's "accomplishments" and ever since he shot me down when I told him that I felt like giving up (he basically told me I couldn't) - I just feel very unsupported by him.

I hope that this new doctor and therapist are able to help me get back to feeling like I'm ME again. For some reason though, I don't think that is ever going to happen.

One painful realization I have had since seeing my parents (I hadn't seen them since the D-Day took place) is that I truly don't think anyone besides my kids love me (and of course I am their mother so...).

What stinks the most is that I never did anything wrong to deserve it. I'm not saying I am perfect, but I never drank as a teen, never did drugs, didn't have sex, and went to college, graduated and even got my master's degree.

My parents always said I would never accomplished anything in life, called me a slut, thought I lied all the time...it was horrible.

So, then I get married. My husband is in the military, I move around with him, lose friends, be by myself while he is away on a boat. We have a baby, I take care of the baby completely, he goes off on a boat for three months at a time, and I take care of the baby. I get pregnant, I take care of our toddler pregnant for months while he is on the boat. I send care packages, several emails a day, etc. etc. I think you get it. Oh, I have to mention, he's a big kid and wants to buy toys all the time, but I don't nag or complain, he gets them then and now. I cleaned the house and cooked...etc. etc. So, I basically did all of the things a military wife should do.

What happens? He cheats on me. While he's having the affair, I was a horrible. You know that whole affair fog thing... Good thing I was used to hearing things about myself that weren't true.

So, now, here I sit... someone who has always tried to make people happy - still do - only to be treated badly. Trying to focus on myself and on what would make me happy - but what if what would make me happy would be for people to treat me the same way that I treat them?...

I'm Alone in this Fight

You have to love how when you get cheated on, it's always easier for the cheater to get over it.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to visit my parents in Portugal with my cheater and kids. Why is that no one (including my parents) have never said two words to him about what he did to me and the kids.

You know, no one steps up the plate and says,

"How dare you cheat on my daughter. If you ever do that again, you won't only have to deal with her wrath, but also mine."

Wouldn't it be nice to know someone cares about you so much to defend you like that. I haven't had one person in my life do that for me.

Well, I lie. My best friend kind of said that, but not very convincing.

Who says that I don't need support behind me. Who says I don't need someone to come in front of me as a shield. Apparently, no one wants to feel the pain. But what about me? I am feeling the pain. I am the one who still has dreams about it.

The cheater? HA. He walks around like he's done something oh so wonderful in his life. He didn't choose to go off with his slut; instead, he stayed to own up to his "mistakes" and is doing what he should have been doing all along.

Why do I feel like this is some sort of sham? Why do I continue to feel as though I get the bum wrap out of this deal? Why am I still feeling as though he should have suffered more from this...?

If I had left him, I guess that would have made him suffer, but then I may have suffered more than I do now. So, why would I do that?

I'm still not quite at the acceptance that my whole view of marriage, love and everything else is out the window. While he thinks that our love is so strong, I think about how much love is big game that everyone pretends to play.

I guess it's just me though...no one really feels sorry for me...no one wants to protect me... and no one really cares about it anymore. That's sad, but it's the truth. I'm in this alone...and alone I continue to walk through it all.

Tomorrow-Two Years Since D-Day

Oh I am so not well. I have a migraine and I didn't sleep last night thinking about all the signs that led up to tomorrows two year anniversary. What was cheater doing? Sleeping. Oh I don't worry I kicked him, threw his sheets off him and made him get up with the kids. I also told him how I've realized some thing about marriage... When you get married, you trust someone with your life. You should NEVER trust anyone with your life.

It's bad enough when your parents treat you like crap.. You have no control over that. It's another thing when you choose the person that ends up treating you like crap.

Last night was the first time I ever felt like doing something to the mistress. Like posting her nude pictures on the Internet. I thought about doing a whole blog with her name as the title. Wouldn't that be oh so nice for her, her family and friends to see someday. Or an employer when they search for her....

It's lucky for her that I have a conscious and I know right from wrong. It's a good thing alright....

I'm so flipping mad today... I can't even stand it.

Two Years Since D-Day

For the past three weeks, I've been really restless, irritable, and unable to focus. My daughter is going into the first grade next week and she's been sick, so I thought that was what it was...

While it's distressing, I just knew that wasn't it. My husband was trying to help me figure out what it was, and then he said "Is it because we closed on the house this month two years ago?"

No...that's not what it was, but what it is that this was the month of D-Day. Actually, August 7th was when I stepped into the hotel with the kids behind me. It was the month that my world came crashing down.

On August 14th, I discovered the 4000 emails between them confessing their undying love for one another.

After I realized what was going on in my subconscious, I cried...I cried hard for a long time. My husband wanted to hold me, but I didn't want him to hold me.

Why would I want the person who caused me so much pain to console me? And why would I want someone who wrapped his arms around someone else to wrap his arms around me when I was feeling so vulnerable.

I was perfectly fine in my own private hell. The hell of going through the images of D-Day in my mind. Crying for my pain to end. Crying for the loss of the innocence of my marriage.

This whole infidelity thing sucks... it sucks so bad. And I know why people leave... I know.

The Priest Responds about the Affair and Renewal of Vows

Well, just when I thought I was being condemned by the priest, I receive the email I wanted from him. It makes me happy and relieved that at least I can say that at least I am not attacked by my faith like I thought I was....

Here is his email to me:

Thank you for your email. I’m sorry I didn’t respond sooner. I’m still trying to get caught up.
First, please be assured that where you are with this does not in any affect my view of you or Your husband. I know there has been much pain and suffering in your life as a result of this situation and I can never begin to know what that is like.
My hope and prayer is that our Lord’s healing may come into your marriage and bring you both the peace that comes only from Him. You are a great family and it gives me great joy to see you practicing your Catholic faith as a family. It is in doing so that you will experience the healing love of our God. If there is any way that I can help you or Your husband, please do not hesitate to let me know. I think a lot of you both and your family and wish you all the very best.
May God bless you always.
Peace,

Aaaww see how nice? It makes me want to cry. Why? I have no idea.