Sad Thinking About a Friend

I'm up working late tonight. I sit remembering all the days I would sit and work until 1AM with my "work buddy." It was awesome. We met each other online because we both came across an opportunity that ended up not panning out. We remained connected and for years, we would chat with one another when we were working online.

This friend is kind of gone now. About two years ago, she ended up cheating on her husband. She didn't want to tell me because of course, it's what my husband did to me. She told me though, and I was doing alright with it.

After some time though, she stopped talking to me. I didn't know why, but I figured she just needed some time to figure things out in her marriage. Out of everyone, I know all about that...

A couple of months ago, I sent a random message to her online telling her that I was thinking of her. She replied to tell me that her and her husband were getting a divorce. That's all I know...

I miss her. I miss my other friend who left her husband for another man. I miss both of these friends. They were such huge parts of my life. Now, they are gone.

Sometimes, I wonder how my marriage is still moving forward when I've lost these two friendships because of infidelity (indirectly, I know). It just seems to ruin everything...

I'm so sad.... :( It's not fair. I never did anything and infidelity seems to keep hurting me.

Friend Marries - Reminder of Broken Vows

I've been to two good friend's wedding since D-Day, and actually, I was in them as a bridesmaid. Each time, I hate the wedding ring promises or vows. Probably because we made the same bullshit promises.

Yesterday, my friend and her husband who just married last weekend came to visit. Her husband keeps taking his ring off. I think it's because he's not used to wearing one. Instead if just ignoring it, I joked that he was going to end up losing it if he wasn't more careful with it.

My friend said she would never take her ring off. There was an eery silence and awkwardness that came from me and my stupid husband. Yep, we said the same thing, and I also said the only reason we would ever divorce is if one of us cheated. Well, wasn't I proven wrong.

My friend's husband then asked to see my husband's ring and well, that prompt the reveal that we don't wear rings. Again, awkwardness. I had to mumble and yeah, there's a reason for it.

My friend knows what happened and she probably told her husband. It's still not cool that I'm not normal. I don't say oh we just don't wear our rings because we don't like rings. No, we don't wear rings because my husband decided to have an affair.

It sucks...and what I did during the aftermath of the affair reveal still haunts me today. When I was trying to put my life back in order, I didn't talk to this friend for years. She brought this up at her rehearsal dinner, and how happy she was that we reconnected at the exact time she was getting married. We have been friends since we were 7 or 8. I cried like a baby because seeing how much I hurt her from hiding stirred up a lot of guilt in me. I couldn't stop crying....this was something I did and regret. I shouldn't have pushed people away. I wish I was stronger. Lesson learned for sure.

The affair aftermath is still going on 4 years from when it happened. 4 years ago my husband was actively psychotic. Am I glad we are at a point we are right now? I guess...Am I wishing it never happened? Definitely.

This scar will never go away. With every friend affected by infidelity and every one that commits it, I will feel the blow.

I hate two of my closest friends at that time have done the same to their husbands. I hate that newly married friends have to see my marriage as a scary reality. I hate that I can never say that my husband kept his promises to me. I hate that my mother was right about marriage and men. I hate that other people don't understand my pain.

4 years....and counting....

Best Friend Cheats - Lost Another Relationship Due to Infidelity

My best friend cheated on her husband. She left him but not completely. She kept working on the marriage while still seeing the old man she was dating. 

I never thought my husband would cheat on me and I never thought my best friend would she on her husband. 

I'm not doing well because I just don't understand how people can do such hurtful things to people they are supposed to care and love. I mean when you get married, aren't you supposed to be with that person and not want to hurt them. 

Sure you can say that infidelity isn't intentionally hurting someone, it's just unintentional, but really? How can you go off with someone and have fun but the. Not consider you are hurting your spouse?

People just don't care about others. They just don't. They only care about themselves. 

This hurts me.

What else hurts me is because of my best friends affair, I've lost her too. Of course, she can't face me. I lost someone who I thought was my best friend for the same reason why I lost my husband.

I say lost my husband because our vies were broken with his affair and that will be forever. I hate marriage. It's such a joke. People want to say they want to be with someone forever but they don't. Why say it then?

My best friends husband is saying he won't sign the papers. He said that he said I Do for a reason. He is standing by her no matter what and well, she is taking it. 

She wants what every stupid person that cheats does... She wants to have her good time as a single person but still keep her husband in her life. Isn't that nice? 

Her husband is at fault too. He allows that to happen. He still talks to her and goes out with her. He wants her back and he will take whatever he can get from her. The only thing is he won't ever get what he really wants from her, which is a wife.

This is such a bunch of crap. 

I tried talking to my husband about how I feel and he just gets defensive about it. He can't help me. No one can and once again I am alone. 

This whole infidelity thing has led to one overall conclusion. I am alone. It shows me that no one truly cares about anyone. No one thinks about other people when they only think about themselves. 

My husband didn't think about me when he went off to his slut. My best friend didn't think of her husband when she went off with her douchebag. She doesn't think of me when she is going through her marital problems even though I always thought of her. 

I don't want to have anyone close to me anymore because it's just one sided. I am the only one that cares about other people. Other people don't care about me.

Sure, they care enough to say they are a friend, but do they really care? No.... They will hurt me in a second if it's better for them. 

I'm sad I lost my best friend and I'm even sadder because it was due to infidelity... again. 

Depressed...

I Simply Can't Believe It...

About a year ago, my best friend (the same one I have spoken about in this blog before) stopped talking to me. It was out of the blue. When I asked how she was, she told everything was fine. After a few months, I looked her up on Facebook (I didn't use it much, so there was never a Like exchange). It was on Thanksgiving that I saw that her last name changed to her maiden name.

I called her in tears because I knew what that meant - she left her husband....and she never told me. This was my BEST FRIEND. She was the one I called at all hours of the night crying because I knew my husband was up to no good. She was the one that I went to every single time my husband pushed me away to be with his slut. She was the one that hear about and felt my pain. She was there every step of the way.

After finding out about my husband's infidelity, I asked her to call him to talk about what his true intentions were about the whole situation. She reported back to me that he was pretty serious that he still loved me and wanted to be with me, not his slut.

Okay, so she left her husband and we started to reconnect. After a few phone calls, I heard a name... a guy's name. (You know where I am going with this, right?). At first, I took her "my friend" for face value, but I kept it in the back of my mind. But then, I heard it again. I noticed she was always on her phone when I texted, which she never used to be. She still wasn't being very open with me either when I called her. Everything was always fine, except that her husband was the worst person in the world for reasons that really didn't make him the worst husband.

Well, let's fast forward to last month. We just moved back to where I lived when I first met my best friend. This was what we always wanted! To finally be near each other again, the only thing is that everything is so different. I met with her for lunch with my husband and kids, and she was talking about her impending divorce (it's still ongoing after a year) I noticed that what she was telling me was very...recorded. What I mean is that she was saying EXACTLY what she told me on the phone. It was as if it was just played back - something she had rehearsed. I left that lunch with a very bad feeling.. I told my husband "I don't know what it is exactly, but there is something not right about it." My husband of course told me, "Well, you suspect she has another man, and it's probably true."

I didn't have proof though, so I let myself just go with it. A month or so after that lunch, I had not heard from her. I couldn't stand how distant she was being with me, so I decided that I needed closure from this friendship. I called her to have that closure by saying goodbye, but then she let the bomb drop - YES! She did meet someone and she "fell in love..." (OH GAG ME and MAKE ME THROW UP ALL OVER HER AND HER DOUCHEBAG!

Really? You have got be friggin kidding me! YOU??????????????? You cheated on your husband, just like my husband cheated on me, but then you took it to the next level and left your husband? REALLLYYYYY???? After everything I went through, you did exactly the same thing that I felt like dying over?

Wow....

I struggled with the information..the proof. Do I want to reconnect with my best friend? The person that I thought was level headed and such a good person? Now, she cheated on her husband with some loser that is 50! No offense to anyone that is 50, it's just that she is 34!!!! Daddy issues much?

But get this....she continues to lie (of course). She tells me her husband is threatening to her. She tells me he calls her all of the time. She tells me she is afraid to leave him completely to go through with the divorce, but yet every time I have spoken to her husband, he has told me a different story. The stories he is telling me is that she is the one that can't make up her mind on what she wants to do. That she is asking him to lunch, dinner, and even staying with him sometimes. She is the one that has issues letting go of her husband completely. OH SHE IS SUCH A SLUT!!!

MY BEST FRIEND....

First my husband, and now, my best friend. REALLY? REALLY?

I know some of you may not agree with this but I cut ties with her. I told her I was too weak to try to save another relationship that was ruined by an affair. She betrayed me (granted not as much as she betrayed her husband) but she did betray me and she continues to lie to me. Maybe...just maybe...if she kept me in the loop, it would have been different...or maybe not. The reality is that she did what my husband did, but left her husband.

I have to give my husband points here...he didn't leave me. He kept the promises he made me, and he has shown me that I was the one he truly loved.

Honestly, I would leave her if I was her husband...but he is standing strong. He wants her back no matter what... So, he's trying not to do anything to drive her away despite her being with Big Papa over there.

When I think about all of this...I wonder what the hell is wrong with this world. Why are people stupid? Why are people so crazy? Why is it happening all over the place. It's all around me all of the time. Just as I was getting used to that chick at the pool that looks like my husband's slut...now, I deal with my FORMER best friend's affair.

I'm not going to let her toxicity in my life. I've been through enough affair shit - keep it away from me. Yeah, I guess that makes me a bad friend...I guess I am a bad friend to a bad person.

Broke Down after 3 Years? Ugh.

Well, we went to the pool yesterday and that slut look a like was there again, of course. I just can't deal with it. 

When we left the pool. I was getting changed and my stupid husband asks to get it on. I said, "Oh hell no. This isn't going to be some sick habit of getting it on after seeing that chick at the pool." He got all offended, and first said "She doesn't really look like her" but then thought about it and said "okay yeah she does..." I tried to explain the pain I had inside of me and instead, ended up in the closet in fetal position crying. The cries come from deep down inside of me. I mean these are cries that come from my core.

My stupid cheater husband basically shuts down now whenever I bring up the affair. He said sorry that I was upset and walked away. He came back to TRY to console me but when I started wailing WHY and HOW he could have hurt me so much, he walked away from me. Yes, you are thinking the same thing I am... What an ass.

My kids were of course concerned about me. They wanted to know why their mom went from seemingly being okay to sobbing like a baby on the floor. Very unmotherly like....

My precious daughter who is 7 put her arms around me and I swear she was like an angel placing a hand on me. Almost immediately I felt as though the pain eased. I thanked her... And we hugged... She felt good and I felt better. My baby girl... 

The pain runs deep. My stupid husband talks about having another baby and if it wasn't for the affair, we probably would have done it. I just can't do that now. 

It's such a shame how the person who does the damage doesn't feel the damage as much as the person affected by it. It's unfair. 

I don't think I'll ever be over the pain. It's changed me. Our 10th wedding anniversary is coming up and I dread that day. I hate that day. I can't stand how he took that special day away from me. He's made me believe what my mom had said to me for years about how not to get married and that all men are the same. I now tell my daughter not to get married. Of course, I tell her it's her decision someday and I will be with her no matter what, but that is what I believe now and if she wants to follow that advise that will be her decision 

I know many of you are probably like "Oh don't tell her that." But if you were betrayed, you know that marriage is a sham. Vows mean nothing anymore, and no one ever respects their spouse as they should. People who remain married for 50 years are like me who gets slapped in the face and turns the other cheek. Doesn't seem awesome or how marriage should be...

Well, I guess that's all I wanted to write now. The pain.... 3 long years andthe scab  was scratched off and I'm bleeding again.