How Therapy Helps Us

Yesterday we went to the beach as a family. Of course, the whole time I was ridden with thoughts of my husband with his slut at the beach last summer. I *love* thinking about them frolicking in the water and on the sand...let me tell you. The anxiety was too great as we got in the car to head back to the hotel.

 I told him how I was feeling and how I wondered if I will ever be able to do anything without thinking about them two. Immediately, my husband put his defenses up. He became offended but I remembered what Dr. S told me, that this is the guilt that is talking to me. He doesn't want to hear it because it raises a lot of guilt inside of him. So I told him  to take a step back and realize that this is about me. He calmed down but anytime I said anything, he would start to get defensive again. We did the let's calm down a few times. He talked about how he is really trying to do what Dr. S is teaching him but it's really hard for him because he is still working on it (applauds) and I told him that I just want comfort. I don't want him to solve anything because there is nothing that can be solved here. It is what it is... what happened last year cannot be erased. All I need is the comfort of hearing, "I know how much this has hurt you...I am so sorry...I wish I could take it away...I really do". He tried to say the words, but they weren't grounded.

Dr. S and I spoke about how he has still not faced the affair. He tries to run from it as much as possible, which is why he becomes so angry when I bring it up. He wants me to feel better and he wants to help me with it, but at the same time, it hurts him too bad to see me in so much pain.

I must say that just being able to work  through these times with him does make me feel closer to him. Being able to use the things we have learned in therapy is pretty great. I am so glad he decided to go back and I hope he continues for as long as it takes to heal him. Because I think his healing will in turn help my healing as well.

Therapy Tomorrow...

I have my therapy appointment tomorrow. I was going to write down what I wanted to work on but as I sit here with a blank page in front of me, I am at a loss of what exactly I want to work on. Probably because I don't really have anything I am struggling with right now.

Thank God, I do have some good coping skills. I am not perfect and I do blow up at times, but I am rather good at figuring out what it is that really bothers me in a situation and then doing something to take care of it.

Michael wants me to discuss how I can rebuild trust in him. He wants that so bad and well, I don't really feel compelled to rush that along. I mean, I know that it's going to take a long long time for trust to seep back into the relationship, so I don't really think I need to "work at it". I think trust comes with time and with trial. I bought a new car with him, right? SO it's a start...

He also says that I need to deal with my habit of always referring to the past. Now, see, he thinks the past is last week. What he did wrong last week, shouldn't be brought up today. Nor should yesterday be brought up today because he is not doing what he was doing yesterday today. Huh? Yeah, I know. Oh he just hates that he is a cheater and that he has treated me so badly these past oh 7 years. Honestly, I just need him to suck it up and really swallow how horrible he was as a husband - because maybe then I would start to feel less compelled to throw it in his face.

You know what I really want - I want to stop feeling like I have to take care of him. You know, all throughout the time that his grandfather was dying, I desperately tried to take care of him and be there for him. I worried day and night and I just wanted him to be home with me so I could take care of him. I sent him emails, I went and visited his grandparents, I begged him to come home ... I followed him around like a puppy dog and did everything for him. Only to be slapped in the face over and over again. Told that I was useless and not good enough...

And now...still... whenever I know something is wrong with him, he continues to tell me he is fine and that he doesn't need help and that he is some different person now. ONLY to find out a couple weeks later that I was right when he finally admits he really wasn't doing well.

You know, I am just over all of this. I take care of two children and I am just about fed up taking care of a grown up. Of course, I would be there for him if something tragic happens or if he really needed me but I am just done worrying about how he is before something bad happens - I am done foretelling the future. Done looking at him and thinking, "uh oh he's not doing well, how can i save him?" Because as we all can see, I can't save him. He makes his own decisions on how he wants to handle his emotional pain...

It's time that I start to look at myself and see what lies ahead for me rather than what lies ahead for him. I need to learn to pay more attention to myself and just be available when someone else needs me. Instead of looking outward all the time, it's time to look inward. See the problem with the whole affair is that instead of looking inward - I kept looking outward - analyzing everything around me... instead of analyzing me and the great pain I was in. I knew I was in pain...But I kept trying to solve my pain by solving his pain. The only problem is that his pain was fueling my pain and I didn't know how to stop his...

I have no clue how to do this though... I am not a selfish person ...and I always think of other people before myself. But maybe the reason why I don't think of myself first is because it hurts too much to deal with myself ...and I derive pleasure from cultivating the pleasure of others. Hhhmmm...It's like I can't make myself happy unless I am making someone else happy. But what else makes ME happy? Only me happy? Honestly, my work makes me happy...going back to school would make ME happy. It's really all that has ever made ME happy. It's funny because going to school used to be about my parents and making them happy (probably where all of this originated from) but now, it's really what I enjoy. I love learning...and exploring myself. I need to explore myself to find out what makes me happy - and what I need to do to make me happy.....

To all the broken hearts....

Tonight I spent some time browsing different blogs about people in my situation and my heart is so full of sadness for all the people that have gone through what I have gone through and who are going through what I going through. Everyone's situation is a bit different but we all have the same rage, sadness and fear. We all wonder, "What the hell happened?"

If only we could all be in a room together to see the pain we all feel so that we all know we are normal. To know that what our husband's did to us is as bad as we feel that it is. To know that even though a lot of us are broken...we are still strong enough to hold our head up high to find out what lead to the affair and try to put our families back together.

To all the women out there with broken hearts...I commend you. I say keep it up...we've come up from the wreckage and we are re-building. We know who we are...we know who our husbands are... and we know what we need to do and not for everyone else but for ourselves.

Counseling Back ON...for now.

My husband has a tendency to haggle me when he knows something bothers me so we had...DING DING DING...Round TWO this morning. I told him that he said he would never disappoint me again but he just did with his plans to quit therapy.

He then said he never said he wouldn't go back. That's just false. But he said he didn't mean to say it and that he is planning to go back. Of course, it's just his way of saying, okay so I couldn't get away with it so I will say that I never meant to never go again.

Tears were shed, hugs were given and all is right in the world again...for now.

Living Life Waiting for the Storm

My husband tried to make up to me last night by washing my car for me. Then he came and hugged and kissed me. He said he was sorry but didn't say he was going to counseling. I told him that I am still upset with him ...but it's more of disappointment. I never really got my hopes up about him going to counseling because I know him...but this just confirmed my thoughts.

So now I feel like I am just waiting for the storm to hit. I know how he becomes when he is under stress. He did not learn effective coping skills like he should have in counseling...when we were going to marriage counseling the counselor continued to say he was a work in progress. However, now  that he has decided not to go, that work in progress will never end and I am the one that is going to deal with the repercussions.

I used to fear the time when his grandfather would pass away. Rightfully so, as we all have seen what has happened. Now, I fear the passing of his grandmother. His grandmother is his biggest fan and is the one that has created this gold standard for him. When she passes, he won't have that back up anymore and I believe he will fall again. I know he will fall again. No one ever believes what I say (learned that from experience) but it always come out that I am right when it comes to these things.

So here is the problem though. He has cracked me so incredibly bad and even though I know I am strong...I am also at a breaking point. Even if she doesn't pass for a few more years, I think the affair will continue on with me forever and will push me over the edge when he does whatever he does to cope with his grandmother's passing. I can't take the abuse from him again. I won't take it again.

All I can do is live life waiting for the storm... and only hope that I am wrong.