Bewildered by my Church

When my us and was having his affair, I sought out the comfort of a priest while I was staying with his grandmother. The priest told me that I had better treat my husband well or he really would cheat on me. All I wanted my some comfort with faith, and I received a slap in the face.

Last week, I emailed my priest who baptized Michael to tell him I do not want to validate my vows in the church because Of what he did. Don't worry, my husband already told him what he had done. Anyway, after emailing him my decision, do you know he didn't write back to me?

All I expected was a "I'm so sorry for the pain you've been through and continue to go through. I will pray that God helps you find peace, and if you need anything at all, please let me know."

No, instead I get the feeling that I am being looking down upon because I can't forgive. I am the one in the wrong because I refuse to renew my vows two years after an affair that has altered my life forever. It just doesn't seem fair. It's definitely made me question a lot about the church.... which has always been a really huge part of my life.

2 Year Anniversary of the Affair and the Visions are Back

The other day I was having a lot of visions about the affair. I would picture her and him smiling and laughing and having a great ol time together. The visions were so real that I started having a hard time concentrating on what I needed to do for work.

All of a sudden I realized that this was the time my husband came home off his ship and I discovered the text messages and phone calls to his slut. This was the time two years ago that I started to find out bit by bit he was having an afffair.

Two years later and that time still affects me so much. I can definitely say that I am better than I was a year ago but not completely healed. I don't believe I will ever be healed.

I told my husband and he immediately was uptight. I can tell these things...he wasn't a jerk about it but I could tell he was bracing himself for the attack that he thought was coming.

I didn't attack that time but a couple days later he asked me to go for a run with him and I immediately thought about how he went for a run with her in a beautiful park the day that I caught them at the hotel. The vision of them running, smiling, stopping to kiss and then taking a shower together afterwards just threw me off. He didn't not react well and started saying he didn't do anything....yeah not that minute but he sure as hell did a whole lot two years ago.

Sigh...

I am so damaged it's ridiculous....

Cheater Husband Gets Baptized

I'm so horrible aren't I? My husband gets baptized, which is supposed to wipe all sin and I can't help but call him a cheater. Once a cheater always a cheater...at least to me I guess.

When my husband got baptized I felt as though he did an awesome thing and I was going to be able to completely forgive and forget. And now I am not anywhere close again.... Ugh infidelity sure does suck.

See when he was baptized the priest started asking for our marriage certificate and my baptismal certificate so we could go ahead with having our marriage blessed in the Catholic church. I am not okay with this...

It's essentially a renewing of the vows and I am not ready for that and I'm not sure if I will ever be ready for it. I don't want to profess my faith to him because I don't think he deserves that. I gave him that once before and he completely screwed it up. I don't want him to make me any promises either because again, he screwed that up.

Honestly, I am okay with how things are right now and I don't want to do anything that might change that, including making some sort of commitment to each other. Heck no.

So anyway, my husband since his baptism has been all holy and is hanging on to believing that now she is erased of his sins. See, I don't know. I feel like he did this because it was like a get out of jail free card. Like if he devotes himself to God then he wont be guilty anymore...

I know my husband deep down inside is a good man but I don't think what he did will ever be erased. I don't believe when someone does something bad that it should ever be erased. I mean he didn't just make some trivial mistake, he .....I don't even know what you call it but it's certainly not just a mistake. Confessing your sins away just doesn't seem right....you should want to follow God because he is awesome not because he is relieving you of a sin.

See even though this was all about him...or it should have been....it's affected me a great deal. I now run from the priest because I don't want to face the fact that I can't forgive him because I know that's a sin but it's one I am holding on to.

Then there's the whole belief in baptism and confession that makes me question my faith because if I don't believe he .relieved of all sin then I dont believe in what he did...what kind of Catholic am I?

It makes me sad...my faith has always been something important to me...it's carried me through the affair and throughout my entire life. When I have felt the lonlinest, my faith was there to comfort.

Now my faith is being tested I guess....of course it has to do with the same man that made me question a lot of other things in my life...

I think I really need to just hold on....I need to weather my storm and get back to my faith....my own faith...the one I have always fell into when life just didn't fleel right.

Trigger Words Even After Two Years

I am so mentally f'd right now. Today, my cheater husband said something that really through me for a loop and made me land straight on my ass.

We were actually about to "get jiggy with it" and he called my chest "melons." Yeah well part of his mistress' email address had melons in it - squeezing them was also part of the email. Whatever she was small chested so I don't get it - however, that just about did it in for me.

I was like, "I can't believe you just said that." He had no clue what I was talking about until I had to yell "Hello - EMAIL?" Then he got it. Whatever he didn't even act like it was a big deal. STUPID IDIOT. You and your stupid use of the word melons.

Then later on, we were talking and he tells me the wedding we are going to isn't serving alcohol. But the groom is getting beer in a cooler for the reception dinner... He says he'll be drinking beer and I was like "Well, I guess I'll just hang out and not drink." He says something else STUPID - "What so I will just drink by myself?"

YEAH YOU IDIOT... I'm not like your mistress who loved to drink beer with you. HELLO - You've known me for how long? 12 years? You know I drink  liquor and wine -  that's it. Sorry I am not as COOL and FUN as your stupid mistress was and can just down any alcoholic beverage on earth. I'm not an alcoholic like her white trash ass.

So then he gets all huffy how I am taking things the wrong way. No, what I am doing is triggering because of your stupid words. Besides the fact we are about to go back to his grandmother's house. See, the last time I was at his grandmother's house was when I left to drive 14 hours to catch him cheating on me. So yes, I am entering a place where my last memory is telling his grandmother that I had to leave unexpectedly to "save his grandson". That was 2 years ago.

I hate this. And then add that we are going to a wedding...and I hate wedding but I hate marriage... yeah, this isn't a good time for me.

All because he cheated on me... that IDIOT.

The Pain of Remembering the Events of the Affair

We found out this week we are moving. My husband is going to be promoted and now we wait for the military to tell us where we are going. We have been in our current location two years. This is where I found out the truth of my husband's infidelity.

I have a lot stirred up inside me right now. The feeling is "I don't want to do it."

If you know my story, my husband was having the affair during our move last time. It was a nightmare. Not only was I dealing with my husband's psychotic behaviors, we had nowhere to live for the whole summer.

We wanted to rent a house because we knew we wouldn't be here for long. There were no houses to rent here...well houses that didn't look like they were condemned.

The whole time we would go back and forth from his grandmother's house to here and back. He would send me to stay with my friend just so he could be with his whore. He would send me here to there with our two kids just so he could be with his whore. We had no place to live and all he cared about was having sex with her...even though we were still having sex in his psychotic ways.

So now, here I sit two years later approaching another move. I remember finding out about moving last time and think about how he was already having the affair. I think about how I was taken advantage of last time and I don't want to anything this time because of that. I was alone a lot during the last move. I took care of everything, while he was escaping from the reality of the move and his grandfather's death.

I had our two kids and a husband who told me almost everyday that he didn't know about us anymore and yelled at me over one thing or another. It was horrific.

I am a much different person now. Not so catering to him just to avoid a fight. I do what I want to do now and I a ma much happier person because of that.

I know that the move is good because this place holds a lot of memories. I pass the hotel I found out at almost everyday.

However, the move is bringing back memories and feeling that are really hard to swallow. It brings me back and I don't want to ever go back to that. The pain comes back. The agony....

I told my husband that I am not doing well and I don't know how I will get through this move. He asked me what he could do to make it easier on me. I told him that there was probably nothing he could really do....but then I thought....

Don't leave me alone. I was alone a lot during the last move. He left me .... I can't be alone again..even if it's to meeting the moving truck or just going to take care of business at our new location. I can't be in the car and seee myself the way I was two years ago....

If he can be with me through it all. If we do it all together...I may feel like I have a partner again. I may feel like I can trust him a little more because I haven't been left out in the cold.

This move may end up doing great things for our relationship. Or he could mess up and we will argue because I will grow anxious and bitter. Let's hope for the first....Time will only tell and I am scared.