Sunday, February 13, 2011

God Speaks to Me About the Affair

I have never had so many signs from God than what I have experienced during the entire affair. When I first got the feeling that my husband was cheating, on a whim, I checked the Verizon bill to find one number texted hundreds of times. Without even thinking about it, I left clicked and my eyes were drawn to something that said "search on google", I did that and what do you know...her facebook page came up. That is when I found out and my life changed.

During all the times that my husband was with her, I had this very strong feeling. Some people say that it's because we are soul mates so I am in tune with him. But I firmly believe it was God telling me something was not right at all. I had many months of agony as these strong signs became stronger even though everyone told me that he would never do something as bad as have a physical affair on me.

Since my husband's grandfather died and I was staying with his grandmother while we closed on our house, I visited his grave site. I begged that if there was anyway that he could help me then please please send me a sign. I left the cemetary and within a few minutes, I felt very anxious ...so anxious that I started shaking. I told my husband's grandmother that I had to leave the next day to "save her grandson." I begged her not to tell him I was coming.

The next day is the one that I drove 14 hours back to where we were moving to and found out about him with her in a hotel room by begging the receptionist at the hotel to let me just peek in his room. All I needed to see was his stuff and her stuff and I would know. What do you know?...that's exactly what I saw. Again, my life was changed forever.

My husband now has become much more religious and has come to mass with me on Sundays. Each week, the gospel and homily directly talks to my husband about sins. It's freaky actually. But it does make me smile because it's usually about how you should resist temptation and that you should ask for forgiveness for sins.

Well, my husband is gone right now, so I went to church by myself. And what do you know....the gospel was about how God sees marriage and divorce. Then the homily was about....anger. Yes, that's right ANGER. Then to top it all off...the priest asked all the married people to stand up...he then did a special blessing for all marriages. Wow.... I could never of asked for a better sign that God continues to look after me and is trying to help me.

I did find comfort in the words the priest said. He mentioned that anger not only strains all relationships in your life but also the one you have with God. That is so true...since the affair discovery, I continue to have faith but it's much weaker than it's ever been. I know God is watching over  me and trust that he knows what I need...but I haven't really asked for it. Anyway, the priest went on to say that anger may lead you to commit other greater sins and I do believe that is true.

He suggested that while you can be angry, don't let the anger control you ...rather you control the anger. Don't lose yourself in it and forget how to be a good Christian. Something that I have thrown to the wayside to emotionally punish my husband for hurting me so incredibly bad. The thing I forgot was that I am committing a sin and as the gospel said, I will have to answer to that as much as he is going to have to answer about his affair. Side note: That makes me mad too because the affair, which didn't need to happen, is the reason why I have to answer to God about anger - it's not as if I am angry over a frivolous matter. But I digress... I want to get my life back in order. I want to start having my faith back...because I know God is with me. I just need to give my fear and depression to Him, so I can be free. As long as I can keep that in the forefront of my mind, I may be able to feel a little more at ease.... we'll see....

3 comments:

  1. For what it's worth, this is the best entry in a blog I've read regarding affairs. Besides being a different gender, I'm pretty much you, with differences here and there. I am having a very hard time, to the point of giving up, although she's trying to make it right. You've given me food for thought. This is my first comment on a blog, but what you wrote made me want to say thank you.

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  2. Thank you. Thank you for taking the time to do something you normally don't do to make someone like me smile. I don't know your story but if you are like me, I know the devastation and heartache you are going through. I hope and pray for the both of us that we make it out of this wreckage ALIVE...and I don't just mean breathing...I mean renewed with a new sense of strength. Not too many people are strong enough to do what we do... Keep your head up because you are not alone. I hope you end up reading this. Thank you again.

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  3. I did read it, and I thank you again. I may share my story with you someday. But not today, I am still not at a good point and I need to focus my energy to just getting through the days and never ending nights. Unfortunately, I know I'm not alone. I guess the only good part of that is finding sites like this that can give me some hope for better days.

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