Tuesday, October 23, 2012

I'm Alone in this Fight

You have to love how when you get cheated on, it's always easier for the cheater to get over it.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to visit my parents in Portugal with my cheater and kids. Why is that no one (including my parents) have never said two words to him about what he did to me and the kids.

You know, no one steps up the plate and says,

"How dare you cheat on my daughter. If you ever do that again, you won't only have to deal with her wrath, but also mine."

Wouldn't it be nice to know someone cares about you so much to defend you like that. I haven't had one person in my life do that for me.

Well, I lie. My best friend kind of said that, but not very convincing.

Who says that I don't need support behind me. Who says I don't need someone to come in front of me as a shield. Apparently, no one wants to feel the pain. But what about me? I am feeling the pain. I am the one who still has dreams about it.

The cheater? HA. He walks around like he's done something oh so wonderful in his life. He didn't choose to go off with his slut; instead, he stayed to own up to his "mistakes" and is doing what he should have been doing all along.

Why do I feel like this is some sort of sham? Why do I continue to feel as though I get the bum wrap out of this deal? Why am I still feeling as though he should have suffered more from this...?

If I had left him, I guess that would have made him suffer, but then I may have suffered more than I do now. So, why would I do that?

I'm still not quite at the acceptance that my whole view of marriage, love and everything else is out the window. While he thinks that our love is so strong, I think about how much love is big game that everyone pretends to play.

I guess it's just me though...no one really feels sorry for me...no one wants to protect me... and no one really cares about it anymore. That's sad, but it's the truth. I'm in this alone...and alone I continue to walk through it all.

4 comments:

  1. Are you currently involved in counseling? Individual or couples? If not, I think you really should consider seeing someone. That said, there are a lot of shitty counselors out there, and if you get on who tries to blame it on you, switch to a new one.

    You appear to have a lot of unresolved feelings and it is clearly harming you.

    It seems as if your husband hasn't felt your pain. Perhaps you both swept things under the rug to quickly? Do you discuss the affair at all anymore? Did you discuss it much after D-Day? (And by discuss, I mean not yelling and bitterness but actual communication?)

    It seems to me that your husband is happy to bury his head in the sand - almost as if to him not talking about it must equal that we're over it. It is easier to try to sweep things under the rug than to look in the mirror and face the shame of his actions, but there has to be a change on his part or your resentment will only grow.

    Also, maybe you should work on yourself for a while, a part from all the affair crap. Work on improving your self esteem and your own happiness. What makes you feel happy and gives you a sense of self worth?

    I'm just an internet person and I'm not really sure I'm qualified to be giving any kind of advice. I hope it make sense.

    You're not alone in this fight, I'm rooting for you.

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  2. Thanks so much Alice. It's nice to know you're a regular follower of this blog, and you seem to care about my journey.

    I agree that I need counseling - more than ever. I didn't mention that my parents never showed me love nor had ever said they loved me in my whole life. They have always beaten me down by telling me I am not good enough. They are very emotional unattached, which is partly due to their cultural differences. It's amazing - If I didn't look like them, I would seriously think I was switched at birth since I am completely the opposite from them.

    But to answer your questions - you are completely right. My husband would love to just forget it ever happened. He never talks about it - not even since D-Day. Well, he does talk about it, but only when I talk about it. He usually turns the discussion over to his feelings when I try to talk about my own. I am big on "This is about me right now...not you." I think he knows if he shifts the focus onto him and his "oh so horrible guilt over it" that I feel sorry and will forget about my own shame, sadness, anger...etc.

    Ever since I got back from my parents, I haven't been the same. I've had to cut down on work, and I've been much more subdued. It could possibly be depression or just an exhaustion over my emotions. Hopefully, I can get into a therapist soon, so I can start to iron out these stupid problems I've been dealing with for years on top of my husband's infidelity. Ugh...

    Thanks again Alice... you may only be an internet person, but your a great Internet person.

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  3. Such a crap and painful journey. I'm walking it too. Everything has changed. Only one person has told my cheater that what he did was wrong. Not even my parents stuck up for me. I think I share similarities with you - my folks were emotionally distant. I became quite emotional/analytic maybe to make up for what was missing. Sadly I chose a partner like my parent (but a liar). When what I needed was attention, affection, love and to actually matter to someone he hit me right in my vulnerability and had an affair, lying to me once I'd caught him for 6 more months - like I'm some sort of fool. The lies and disrespect are as bad as the physical acts of betrayal. I have two kids (4 and 2 now) and for some stupid reason I can't understand we are still going to marriage counselling. No one can ever understand my hurt. I will never forgive him. This has ruined me but I'm trying to make my life easier for me and the girls. I loved him once and I can probably tolerate him now. The partnership and financial security are the real reasons I'm considering reconciliation. Of course I'll never trust him again. I have the flashbacks to make sure that I don't. He begs me to stay and promises to change, but his word is mud. What a rambling post... Just wanted to say I hear your pain, anger, trauma, mood, exhaustion. Deep deep wounds. Go slowly my friend and look after that little child within you. You're blog has helped me. Thank you.

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  4. How crazy... you're right, we are similar. I could have written what you wrote myself. I am also very analytical and now with what you wrote, I wonder if there is something about us that either makes us vulnerable to affairs or makes us strong enough to deal with them the way we do.

    If you end up reading this, how far out are you from discovering it all?

    Also, yes, I was in the dark for 6 months too with all of the lies. But looking back, all I had were signs, and it wasn't until I had proof that it really couldn't have come to an end. It just stinks that I had to go through all of that abuse for soooo long.

    Stay strong and post as much as you would like...

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